Nervously walking up and down the corridor, April hesitated and lingered for a bit, a quivering flame of a candle in her hands was the only source of illumination in the dark. Pacing continuously she was shielding the delicate flame with her palm and taking deep breaths in vain attempts of calming herself down, she kept repeating: "You're okay, April. Just do it! You're okay. Just walk in and tell him..."

When she finally pulled herself together, she knocked. There was no response. She waited and knocked the second time, her heart beating ever so hard. She didn't remember feeling that nervous since... since their first kiss so many years ago. Her knuckles rested on the wooden surface of the door, not bold enough to try again. She struggled to steady her shaky nerves. Who would've thought this would be so impossibly hard?!

"Aarrgghh!" - she suddenly heard from the other side of the door.

"Raphael?" - she cautiously whispered, leaning on the door in an attempt to hear clearly.

But the old farm-house fell quiet again. As it should have been, in the middle of Northampton winter night when everyone was fast asleep cuddling into their blankets. April certainly didn't want to wake anyone. This is hard enough as it is. She tried the door-nob and it turned out to be unlocked. "Okay, April, here's your chance! Here goes nothing..." - she told herself as she carefully opened the door and let herself in.

She knew that her "disappearing act" years ago would not come easy. And it would hurt everyone involved. She was aware of her faultiness and bearing that in mind, there was no other place she would rather be right now.

Raphael was lying in bed very still. April came closer and called his name once again. He turned his head slightly but his eyes were shut. He was deeply asleep. Bringing the candle closer, April looked him over. She couldn't help it... His green skin, illuminated by the soft candle light, glistened from sweat. His chest kept rising and falling abruptly. He suddenly moaned in his sleep, baring his teeth to some invisible enemy. His huge fists, holding onto the sheets, pulled tearing them apart.

Raphael was obviously having a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. And all April was able to think of was how much she missed his features! The usual red mask was removed from his face, so were all his pads, and his belt as well was gone. He was completely exposed to her searching admiring gaze and April took notice of many new unfamiliar scars decorating his face, shoulders and arms. She hadn't seen him in years... How has he been? What glorious battles had he been fighting all this time they were apart? Did he hate her for running off? Could he forgive her?

Softly stepping a bit nearer, April walked into something on the floor. The pair of sai clanged loudly on top of an old rug. She cursed under her breath, but it didn't wake him. She set the candle on a nearby window-still and exhaling slowly to relax her distress, placed her palm on his forehead. He was burning up!

At the second her cold palm rested upon his skin, the turtle jumped startled and grabbing April by her wrist pulled her to him enclosing her throat with his muscular fingers. His unblinking glassy gaze scanned her inside and out like two emerald laser beams. The woman coughed suffocating. And realizing in horror who's throat he was squeezing, Raphael took aback immediately releasing his grip, panic running through his eyes: "April?!"

Overwhelmed and literally choking, April waved her hand at him (as to say: give me a moment) and several coughs later she regained her breath and her composure. All this time Raphael kept looking at her with absolute shock: "It's not a dream.. Ya' actually here?!" He clearly hadn't recovered from his nightmare yet, "Whadda ya doing here?" His tone was cold and dry but his voice quivered as he said that.

"You were having a bad dream... (cough) screaming in your sleep! I knocked but... "

"Did I hurt you?" - he cut her off.

"I'm alright..." April looked into his eyes, his expression was hard to decipher: fear and pain mixed with concerned anxiety.

Oh, how much she missed him!

"April, whadda shell a' ya doin' here?!" His rough tone stabbed her like an arrow through her heart.

She exhaled: "I need to talk to you?"

He frowned at her: "So, ya' jus' back after a whole decade of nada, an' decide to brake into my room in da' middle of da' night..." Wide-eyed, Raphael glared at her with his judging stare, "Ya' always do jus' wadeva' the fuck you want, April, don' cha'? Just wadeva' suits ya'! How many years' been?! Ha? How many years?"

"Okay.. I get it.." She felt like crying, but she has prepared herself for this! She knew he would be harsh and brutal with her, "I know what I've done, and you're mad at me! I'm truly sorry I hurt you, Raph! But I still hope that... maybe, you'd give me a chance... to explain.. "

"April... Why now?" His voice broke and it was evident that he was trying really hard not to lose control, "ya' had your chance! 's too late..."

"Please, Raphael!" - she pleaded.

He drilled her with his emerald lasers: "Do ya' know... do ya' have any idea how hard it was to try n' forget?! To try n' live withou'cha'... All dis time!"

"I..." she tried, but there was nothing she could've said that would make it all better.

April lowered her gaze to the floor. She never forgave herself for walking out on them... for abandoning her friends, her family. So many years ago... So much has changed.. Yet so much has remained the same. She still loved him. She never stopped. It's just her life... her life got in the way! And now that life was over, and there could not be a life without him in it anymore...

"Get out!" Raphael's voice was hoarse, cruel and ice-cold.

"Raph..."

"GET OUT!"

"No!" She looked at him determinedly, but his face was turned to the opposite wall, "Just hear me out, okay? You don't have to say anything... I will do all the talking. And then I'll leave, if you want... I'll leave and never bother you again!"

He didn't move a muscle and she took it as a silent consent, an acceptance.

"I came back..." She started and her voice broke off, as she found it much harder than she thought it would be to explain. Trying to buy some time, she stroke her temples, gathering her thoughts and calming the inner turmoil starting in her heart.

Suddenly Raphael turned to face her again: "Did you eva' love me?"

She was astonished to see, in the dim light, two damp lines vertically crossing his face. His voice was silent, but the question erupted the stiffness of the air in the room like a punctured piñata, and April could feel it violently echoing inside her scull, piercing her brain. Realization dropping on her, sudden and overwhelming as confetti, her own tears eventually started scattering down her face. Raphael wasn't mad at her at all. He was very deeply hurt... heart-broken.

"Oh, Raph..." Wiping her tears away, April hesitated at first but came closer and sat at his bedside. He didn't move, only squinted his eyes at her.

"I..." - she started but couldn't yet continue... Damn! Why was this so hard?!

She shook her head and smiled at him, genuinely smiled. And suddenly feeling emboldened by his searching eyes reading her face and his tears, she cupped his wet cheeks with her hands and pushed her face toward his, placing a light quick kiss on his lips.

Raphael's expression went from uncertainty, doubt and distrust to utter shock. He slowly touched the spot where her lips brushed his only a moment ago, scrupulously trying to assimilate what just happened. His wide open daring eyes met April's gaze straightforward, non-apprehensively.

"Of course I loved you, Raphael!" - she slowly said, "I always have..." She looked straight into his eyes: "I love you!"

Raphael's heart skipped a beat. She never told him before. He always thought of himself as the weak link... the one who gave himself to her, surrendered. The vulnerable half, the one who invested but didn't expect to receive. He was the one in love with her... She was the one who left... He was the one left behind, like a used toy.

April moved forward, intending to kiss him again, but this time he recoiled, leaning away and avoiding her touch. No more boy-toy...

"I understand..." She sighed, holding herself together (broken inside) and got up, intending to leave. Her throat felt so stiff and dry all of a sudden. She didn't even have a chance to explain... He obviously didn't want her. Swallowing hard, she slowly started for the door.

"Don't go..." Raphael caught her hand.

His voice was almost inaudible, but April heard it clearly, her heart swelling in her chest emphasizing the clutter of the speeding pulse beating in her ears. He pulled her to him and their lips met... Like that first time.. so so many years ago. Only this time it was no longer innocent or pure, but rough, lustful, angry, almost violent. This was a different Raphael! And she just couldn't believe how much this was exactly what she needed right now. She needed him to take her old pain away and create something new. Needed him to make her forget, erase the past and start over...

Desperately clinging to April's lips, so hungry and so angry, Raphael could not stop his mind from racing and his stomach from turning in a weird recollection of the butterflies he used to have every time he saw her in the past. She was here, actually here beside him. He could feel her pulse through his own lips, their tongues intertwined. Her taste, the recollection so clear from inside the depths of his memory every time the thought of her was raised from the abyss of his soul during all these years... And now he was experiencing it all over, caressing her lips as if it was for the very first time.

Gaining relative control over her mess of feelings, April broke their kiss all at once: "I need to show you something…" She sat up straight and started undoing her trousers, pulling up her top and revealing her abdomen. Raphael didn't try to stop her, misunderstanding... But he froze in his place when he saw the old scars crisscrossing her skin. Those scars looked perfectly heeled, but they were there telling a very graphic story of enormous pain and torture.

"April... what's dis?" His voice sounded constrained. With a shaky hand, forgetting himself, Raphael touched her belly, feeling along the lines of long-gone but not forgotten suffer.

As a trained ninja, and an incorrigible hot-head, Raphael was more than familiar with bruises, scars and wounds. Always being the first, out of his brothers, to jump into battle, he was accustomed to be constantly absorbed, if not by the most horrible wounds, then at least by the biggest amount of them. His shell was always in the worst possible shape for that reason, the most wrecked one.

April sat still, allowing the turtle to examine her skin, while gathering her thoughts and running the terrifying memories in her head in preparation to spill it all out. There was pain and rage in Raphael's darkened green eyes, when he eventually gazed at her face inquiringly, mirroring her own abrupt recollections stored as far back in her mind as possible. It was almost unbearable for her to dig it all out, but she did her best. For him. She owed him that much.

"About 5 years ago we were attacked… in Tokyo, Casey and I… " – she explained flatly, almost no emotion in her voice, "…I was four months pregnant…" She shut her eyes as tears started pouring uncontrollably, even though her tone didn't change, "They were the messengers of the Japanese branch of the Foot clan, still loyal to the Shredder. They said they wanted to deliver a message for the turtles…" Raphael clenched his fists so that his bones creaked, but kept silent, allowing her to go on with her tale, "Of course, Casey played the hero and took most of the blow, shielding me and the baby! He almost lost his life in that fight…" She paused, "...hospitalized for weeks after the attack... But even though he saved me, he couldn't save our baby - I was beaten too severely…the doctors said..." April's voice died out all of a sudden, as she struggled to calm her nerves and put everything back into place after wrecking her entire memory stock, "I can't have children anymore..."

During long months of therapy and overall seclusion from the outside world, April did succeed to recover and go back to herself, in a way. That's why it took her so long to come back. She couldn't endure the fact of facing the turtles after what happened, she knew they would take it bad, very bad, and risk their lives in order to set things right. Preventing Casey from flying to New York and cracking "their-stupid-shells" with his crutches was bad enough... She never blamed them. But what she was doing now: retelling the occurrences aloud, specifying the facts, showing Raphael her scars, brought all kinds of shitty residues of that horrible night back, and April was beyond herself.

Raphael's face became dark and illegible. He waited for her to say more, but April kept silent. So his thoughts took control and in his mind he was already smashing the sculls of the rascals who did this to his friends, to his family... because of him... was it was his fault? He didn't even know... Why did they keep it a secret for all these years?!

He felt her hand touching his chest... all his violent musings vanishing into thin air. In her eyes he could read the pleading to let it go. Raphael wasn't the only one having nightmares - April has suffered a tremendous amount of pain, physical and mental alike… while he didn't even know about all that... until now. She needed him like she never needed him before... And attempting to ease her pain as much as he could, the turtle drove the destructive thoughts away and focused all his attention on her. He kissed away her tears and carefully helped her lay down on top of the bed. Then he lay down beside her, taking her trembling hands in his, allowing her to desperately cling onto him, to relax and calm down, reminding her that she was not alone.

He was there... He was always there...

"There were too many of them… they almost killed us…" - April suddenly whispered, drawing closer to him, "they didn't care… they just…" She swallowed hard, covered her eyes with her hands and wept into his chest.

Raphael pressed her shaking-in-spasmic-spurts-body as close to his as he could, protectively enclosing his arms around her. His mind was racing against the obvious feelings of guilt, the angst of not being there to help, to save, to take the fatal blow, and the painful feeling of rejection, of her betrayal, if she wouldn't have left this wouldn't have happened… or would it?! He couldn't help but feeling responsible, seeing the attack in his mind and imagining Casey, as an enraged animal fighting, not for his life, but for April's and the baby's. What would've happened if he was there with them that night? What would've happened if they didn't run off in the first place?

Ah, it was all too much... He stopped himself short and shut off his mind, concentrating on the feeling of her body close to his...

Soon April's tears ceased gaining in her eyes as she was slowly dozing off in his arms. She fell still and limb against his chest, feeling safe and secure in Raphael's muscular embrace. He was always there for her before, to comfort and to soothe her, to protect and keep her safe, to touch her and make her feel good… And he was there for her now, holding her close! After all they've been through, together and apart… After all the pain.

But everything was different now. Wasn't it?! Something between them was damaged, irreparable forever, and it was all her fault. She was the one responsible. She was the one who walked out… Of course, she figured it out by now. She made a mistake! They shouldn't have left in the first place! This was all too painful, too unbearable. She wanted… she needed him! Grabbing Raphael's chest-plates, his shoulders, his neck, April pressed her lips to his again, drinking his energy, absorbing his offered comfort. Raphael didn't move, he didn't pull away, but didn't kiss her back this time. He remained still and steady as a rock. He didn't take his hands away, still holding her body close to his.

"April…"

Her name gently spoken in the stillness of the darkened room made her wince and snap out of her stupor. And she stared at him wide-eyed as he smiled soothingly: "I'm here, April. I'm not going anywhere fa' now... 's okay..."

April blinked and smiled back! She pressed her cheek against his hard carapace, thankful for his acceptance and for an estimated forgiveness. For what it was worth, she felt content and happy at this specific moment, holding on to him, inhaling his scent – the familiar smell of leather, warmth and that slight sweetness of his sweat that always made her feel safe and protected.

It didn't take long till they both fell asleep, nightmare-free... for a change...

When April woke up the next day, she found herself in bed alone and mused on a possibility of her mind playing games with her. Was it all a dream? But as soon as she turned to her side, she found a note:

Didn't want to wake you! Find me outside.

Raph

She pressed the paper to her heart and looked at the melted candle on the window-still, where she'd left it last night and couldn't help but smile to herself. Things were far from perfect, but they finally started getting better. Much better... She got up and ran to get herself ready...

Stepping out the front door, April couldn't see Raphael anywhere. She wondered a bit further towards the woods, knowing that's where he'd go. And all of a sudden he dropped out of nowhere, catching up with her slow pace and offering a cautious semi-smile. April returned the smile and wrapping her red scarf tighter around her neck, kept confidently stepping forward into the woods.

They didn't talk, they didn't even look at each other, synchronizingly pacing up hill and down dale, trees and snowdrifts all around them. April's mind was at an ease since her confession last night, and she could admit to herself that she felt lighter, like she hadn't for a long long time. Telling Raphael everything and at last confessing the feelings she had for him all along, made all the difference for her.

Raphael, on the other hand, couldn't find his place. Before yesterday everything was clear to him. He knew how he felt about April and about what she did. But as it turned out, he knew only what he was permitted to know. And now, since last night and everything she told him, he felt more then confused. Moreover, he was unsure what would be the right thing to do so that they don't go downhill from there.

On the one hand, all he wanted was to hold her close and never let her go. Tell her how much he loved her and how much he missed her. Make her happy. Make her forget all the pain. Show her what it meant to be his and only his. On the other hand, he felt like he was kidding himself. He was unable to forgive and forget. Not that easily! She betrayed him - his whole family. She left, choosing his best friend over him. She made a fool out of him, a laughing-stock...

"Raphael..."

At the sound of her voice, his thoughts were dispelled like a sheaf of dry leaves on the wind. He looked at her, blinking in contemplation, his emerald eyes reflecting the afternoon sunbeams. Oh, how she admired those beautiful expressive eyes! And how she longed for those eyes to look at her, all of her, like they used to so many years ago.

"Raphael, I'm sorry!"

Gazing at her beautiful features forever burnt into his memory, Raphael couldn't help but long for her closeness, no matter what. Her red curly hair - so soft to touch, her rosy lips - so sweet to taste, her big eyes where he could see a reflection of his younger self - naive and innocent. It all made him feel so... stupid. Stupid in love...

It seamed they walked for hours and were now deep into the woods, far away from the farm. It was quiet out here, except for the rare winter-bird cry or some muffed creak of an old tree somewhere from over the thicket.

She drew a little bit closer and her fingers slightly brushed his hand.

He grabbed her scarf. The one he clumsily knitted with his own hands as a gift for her birthday so so many years ago. She taught him to knit and asked for the red color... It fitted her perfectly...

She kissed him...

He restrained, looking over her lovely face, her inviting alluring lips.

She kissed him again... harder...

"I can't promise I won't hurt you..." - he whispered.

"Hurt me, Raphael... if you have to... Awaken me!"

He gazed into her eyes, as into a deep well full of memories, smothering him and making him feel all the sensations of the world simultaneously.

She wanted him, she was aching! And he wanted her, but wasn't ready to forgive yet.

He caught her lips with his. Advancing, attacking... Biting and slapping... He slammed her back into a tree trunk and pinning her body with his, he teared and pulled, pinched and crushed...

April moaned and screamed, allowing him to have his way. She wanted this! She longed for him to make her feel again! She grabbed his shell with her hands and brought her legs and thighs around him, enclosing him as close as possible. Softly repaying his roughness with soft kisses and moans, she encouraged him... absolving the physical pain he was causing her in exchange for the desired moral salvation. She didn't care what he did to her as long as he wanted her near, close.

With silent tears streaming down his face, Raphael made their pain go away... He thrusted in and out, without remorse, emptying all of his frustration into her! Into April! The one responsible for his suffering, the one responsible for his love.

His April! The one!