Prompt: From (LJ)straydog733 The Mighty Boosh, Vince/Howard, Vince would sacrifice his sweets to save Howard...not all of them, but a lot.
Notes: Erm. I fail at comment length for this. The prompt is there, I promise! Towards the end-ish… they guys kinda just took the thought their own direction. I blame Howard entirely. Thankies go out to (AO3) Missy & (AO3)GypsyJr for their super quick beta work and putting up with my cracktacular conversation.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fictional parody in no way intended to infringe upon the rights of any individual or corporate entity. Any and all characters or celebrity personae belong to their rightful owners. Absolutely no money has or will be gained from this work. Please do not publicly link, repost or redistribute without letting me know first.
It was getting late when Vince returned, sheepishly tucking handled bags behind his back when Howard glanced up at him menacingly. "Where've you been then? You were supposed to be minding the shop."
"I was out. Back now, though." He slunk across the flat, his parcels shifting and crinkling with each step.
Howard caught a flash of the bottom of a pink paper bag, a white stick poking out a torn corner. "You've been at that confectionary again, haven't you?"
"What? No! I told you, I'm off sweets, for good this time." Vince made the mistake of stopping long enough to attempt to convince Howard of his innocence.
Howard lunged forward, snatching at the closest bag only to have it tear open, spilling the contents onto the floor. "Off sweets, then?" He surveyed the rainbow carnage, Fizz Wiz, Frosties, Chewits, even a pair of large whirly lollies further inspection would reveal as strawberry-banana flavored.
"Yeah, right…" Vince sighed; "I tried, all right? I went a whole week without." He sat heavily on the floor and began gathering the spilled sweets. Quietly, Howard joined him on the floor and helped pile them into a similarly straining bag of fairy satins, rainbow dust, and candy necklaces.
"You brought Nutella to bed last night."
"It doesn't count, it's a SPREAD."
"You had half the jar." Howard lifted an eyebrow.
"Yeah… but… in my own defense I wasn't EATING it. I was seductively licking it from your body."
Howard let out a squeaky groan and managed; "If you're looking to be more healthy perhaps you might switch to jam."
Vince snorted and grinned; "Jam? That's disgusting. Ugh… why would anyone… ugh!"
"Some people might prefer jam…" Howard paused, a slight pink creeping up under his collar. "Or even a light meringue…"
"Ugh…" He grimaced, digging a large sack of jelly babies out of the bottom. "Anyway, I'm off it, I'm a perfect example of health."
"A perfect example of health?"
"That's right." He opened the bag, selecting two red ones for consumption.
"Right, which one's your favorite?"
"Which what?" Vince chewed loud and slow, savoring the sweet strawberry flavor.
"Jelly babies, which one's your favorite?"
"Oh come off it, leave me alone."
"I mean it, Vince. This could be a life or death situation some day."
"It can't. It's jelly babies. Sweets are incapable of creating life or death situations. It's not like there's a sugar mouse out there with a knife." He grinned, actually picturing it quite easily.
"Ever heard of the Kandyman?"
"What, like 'the candyman can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good' Sammy Davis Junior?"
"You know Sammy?" Howard raised an eyebrow and then continued before it could spin off his original idea. "I mean the Kandyman… with a 'K' – he's made entirely of sweets."
"Entirely made of sweets?" His fingers found an orange head and he pinched it between his fingers before eating it.
Howard nodded quickly; "His legs are made of giant sugar sticks and his arms are Smarties tubes as big as you." He paused only a moment, letting Vince feed him one of his favorite purple flavored jellies before continuing; "His body is the biggest mint Aero ever imagined."
"That's a rubbish body…" Vince laughed, scooting in closer as he found another purple one for Howard.
"It's massive, not rubbish."
"It is. All those bubbles, he'd snap with one kick with my amazing boots of power."
"He wouldn't."
"Yeah he would. You've broken into one a hundred times – if you open the package too fast it snaps in ten places."
"He's magic, Vince."
"So, rubbish magic then?"
"He's super strong and eats the souls of your loved ones."
"What's his head, a blob of candy floss?"
"Worse." Howard licked his lips, letting out a soft murmur when Vince's hand rubbed over his leg. "A whirly lolly with a smaller one for mouth – full of razor sharp candy corn teeth."
"What's he got Polos for eyes?"
"Don't be stupid, Vince." Howard frowned, "They're Jaffa Cakes."
"Jaffa?" Vince shook his head again, lifting another purple jelly baby to Howard's lips and brushing the starch off with his mustache. "Those are cakes, they don't count as sweets."
"Biscuits." Howard corrected before letting Vince place the candy on his tongue – gently kissing his fingertips.
"They're cakes; it says it right in the NAME."
"They put it on the shelf with the biscuits."
"Right, whatever. So what's this about souls? Why would a man made of sweets need souls?"
"That's just it. He's a killer, he swipes your loved ones and holds them for ransom and if you don't pay… he eats their souls."
"But souls are disgusting."
"If you don't make the sugar sacrifice… he does it."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Vince chuckled under his breath and dug into his bag for a candy necklace. "Sugar sacrifice."
"Would you?"
"What?" He strung the necklace over his head, stretching the elastic band until he could safely rest it in his mouth.
"If the Kandyman got me, would you do it?"
"A sacrifice? I don't even know how – do you have to build things?"
"No, you just give him sweets."
"Give him sweets?"
"Yeah, like your bag of fairy satins…" Howard picked up the sack at the top of the bag, "Would you sacrifice it for me?"
Vince shrugged, crunching on his necklace. "Dunno, I guess… yeah, for you. I mean, I can get more of those."
"Howard smiled, peeking back into the bag, "Fizz Wiz too?"
He paused a moment longer, looking at the pouches as Howard carelessly tossed them beside himself. "Yeah, yeah. Why not."
"What about your Chewies and Frosties? Your rainbow dust?"
"Hold on, now… that's an awful lot…"
"Kandyman says you gotta think fast, Noir. Save your lover or your sweets."
"Lover." Vince chuckled, rolling his tongue over an empty section of elastic before stringing more candy beads towards his mouth. "That's a horrible word, Howard."
"I mean it, would you?"
"Right… yeah, fine. Whatever! It's not real."
"If it was. You never know."
"Right, if it was he can have it. Even the Wham bars."
Howard lifted an eyebrow, leaning in close enough to nip several small sugar beads from the quickly dwindling necklace. Quietly, he tucked his hand back in the bag and fished out the sack of jelly babies. "And your jelly babies?"
"Howard… don't… Can't I just kick him?"
"Come on, would you sacrifice your jelly babies… if it meant the Kandyman wouldn't eat my soul?"
Vince flashed a bright smile and nuzzled against Howard's cheek, goading him into a kiss. "Mmm, come on now mate. We've still got half a jar of Nutella and your old mac's still on the bed."
Howard's face flushed warm and he was off towards the kitchen before Vince could try to further persuade him. Grinning, Vince Noir fished out the sack of jelly babies and packed it into his pocket; "There's no such thing as the Kandyman." He muttered quietly, fishing out another small red jelly. "Strawberry… yeah. You're the best."
***END***