Notes:
Wait, so, if you haven't read the manga, this might not make too much sense, and I'd hate to accidentally spoil stuff for you in case you missed my warning in the tags. Please don't read this if you haven't read up to chapter 109 in the manga. Unless, of course, you don't care, then that's cool too, please read on. ^^
Just, before you start, I need to cite some of the lines I quoted from the manga(the translated English version, thank you so much to the translators), because I feel like it might be helpful so people don't get confused(that's why this is in the beginning, not the end, because I feel like nobody reads the crap at the end). Also, idk...this has been beaten into me by high school and my limited college education. XD Feel free to skip this if you want; it's not essential at all.
1. "It would be better...if he'd never been born." This is from chapter 109, and this fic starts basically at the end of that chapter. The original line is actually, "if I'd never been born" but I changed it since this fic is Rin POV with third person narration.
2. "You always rush in headlong; so why, why are you so hesitant about this?" Yukio says this line to Rin in chapter 89 and again in chapter 90. Although, I kind of took out the ellipse because I use them too profusely in my own writing already; the original line is "You always rush in headlong. So why...why are you so hesitant about this?"
3. "So, go...to a place where you can cool your head." Mephisto says this in chapter 109. This line was what inspired me to write this fic, and I liked it a lot! :)
4. "He was raising us to be weapons...just mere tools." This is the heartbreaking line Yukio spits out in chapter 96.
5. "I'm sorry, nii-san, I want to be strong. So…I don't need your help anymore." This is also from chapter 96. Yukio says this, but it's translated as "I'm sorry...brother." I just changed it to "nii-san" because that's what Yukio always addresses Rin as in the anime, I'm sure he does this in the manga too.
It would be better...if he'd never been born.
Yukio had called him out on it too, that night on their birthday. He'd been frighteningly still, face slack as he'd stared back at Rin, as though he'd abruptly found himself lost; as though he'd never needed to consider why. But his laughter had been bitter, almost accusatory. And Yukio had changed, since then. He'd still been there and talked and smiled but everything about him had rang false.
You always rush in headlong; so why, why are you so hesitant about this?
If Rin had answered him differently, would finding out that his birth was wrong have hurt any less?
Because, since the day he'd drawn Kurikara, Rin has dreaded knowing his past—perhaps even before that. And now that he knows it, he can no longer pretend his fears were unfounded.
He feels overwhelmed by the emotions threatening to suffocate him in this painful mass of uncertainty and regret. The voice inside him, that other version of himself, screams, and then the darkness fades; he finds himself drowning in his own flames, crazed, taunting cackles ringing in his ears.
But in the next instant, Mephisto snaps his fingers and his legs collapse beneath him. The last thing he sees as the door shuts is Mephisto's grinning face, "So, go...to a place where you can cool your head."
Rin reaches an arm out to brace himself against the door frame—something, anything—as the world spins rapidly; suddenly the air is hot, there is humid wind curling through his hair, and he hears the soft croaking of frogs as his foot sinks into cool water. He slips immediately; dull, flat pebbles dig into his spine as the breath in his lungs is forced out, leaving him gasping for air. He pushes himself up from the shallow lotus pond he has somehow landed in, blinking to clear his eyes.
Rin spits out a mouthful of water, gagging slightly as he sweeps the soaked exorcist uniform—he misses his school uniform but this one has more pockets—to the side, trying to squeeze some of the liquid out in vain. Once he hauls himself onto the bank, he peels an enormous lotus leaf off his coat, setting it back carefully.
"Hey! Mephisto? Where is this?" Rin sputters, "I'm soaked because of you!"
His only response is a startled croak from a nearby frog. Rin squints at the furious midday sun, quickly finding a shady tree to take shelter under. Regardless of whether this coat has impressive camo abilities or not, it's black and Rin is going to be baked alive.
He doesn't recognize this place.
"Spread out to search the area!"
Rin turns, pulling his hood up warily as he crouches down, peeking around the tree trunk. Not that he trusts Mephisto but this coat better work like he said or he's going to be in deep trouble. He blinks once, sniffing as leaves tickle his face, ducking into the bushes as he spots a group of people wearing familiar black coats rush down the steps to the old temple.
"Yukio draw the barrier I taught you and stay here in case it comes back. Everyone else, keep communications open; do not engage the Cat Sidhe! Report back here in an hour."
He watches as Fujimoto Shiro's—he finally looks like the old man Rin remembers and in the next instant, it hurts furiously like no time has passed— team moves out. They leave Yukio, who looks so short, so small in the exorcist coat, standing alone at the steps of the temple. It's strangely more disorienting than he'd have thought. He's been seeing younger versions of his mom and the old man all day, but this Yukio...
It brings back the agonythat's been tearing into his heart this entire time, the betrayal that he can't reconcile with. Yet, he's torn between facing that or wanting to chase after the old man; Rin misses him so much he can't stand it—
"Who's there?" Yukio shouts, voice unfamiliarly high, lacking the authoritative edge Rin is so used to. "If you don't come out, I'll shoot!"
Rin turns from side to side, looking around for anyone else. He's lucky though; there's no one besides himself and Yukio. He should probably make himself scarce in an hour, before the other exorcists return.
But for now, he needs this time.
He shrugs his hood off, raising his hands up carefully as he steps out of the shade from the tree. He watches as Yukio swivels around, swiftly aligning the barrel of his gun in a—already practiced—cruel motion, aiming straight at Rin's forehead.
Yukio looks like the distorted mirror image of his future self, just without the impassive mask; his face is tense with stress, unable to hide the flicker of trepidation.
It triggers the adrenaline, the pent up rage Rin's barely been able to keep a lid on these past few hours, and when he blinks, he sees the silhouette of the bridge, the cold glare of Yukio's glasses, and the searing light from the Illuminati helicopter that took him away.
For a fraction of a second, he's afraid his heart—that dangerous, intoxicating blue beacon—will manifest and then the flames he'd spent so much time making his, would betray him too.
But Yukio lowers his gun just as rapidly, bowing low at the waist, "I'm sorry," he declares nervously, "I wasn't aware you were an exorcist. Please accept my—"
"Ah, it's uh, it's cool. It's good to be alert. You never know, I could have been a demon," Rin responds blithely, words tumbling out of his mouth with nerve wracking ease, as though he might be able to pretend this Yukio is the real one, that there's the faintest chance he might be able to talk...to understand just when that stranger wearing his brother's face, who'd dared to shoot him, was born.
Yukio still looks incredibly distressed, limbs tucked tightly to his sides as he lifts his head, as though he's waiting to be yelled at or something. It makes Rin pissed though, as he strides over quickly, setting a hand on Yukio's shoulder with as much authority as he can muster.
"It's cool," he repeats stupidly.
The tense lines in Yukio's frame loosen marginally as he nods. "Are you here to assist with exorcising the Cat Sidhe?" he asks, "I um, I can report on the current situation, sir."
"Don't call me sir, just Rin—Rinka," he blurts suddenly, trying to cover up his mistake, "just Rinka is fine."
He sounds horridly suspicious even to himself; he has to fight the urge to cringe. Not to mention, he's soaked from head to toe with hair a weirder color than Shima's. He doesn't know what he would have done if he didn't have this coat. If Yukio realizes who he is, he's not sure what he'll do.
Yukio smiles shyly though, and Rin finds himself incredibly tired as his own lips curve into a uneven grin. He walks over, drooping as he sits down on the steps and stretches his legs. Yukio hesitates for a moment before he sits primly on the stone step next to him.
Rin stares at him blatantly, searching for differences before he realizes Yukio is wearing his politely creeped out face. It's so achingly nostalgic, he can't stop the obnoxious laughter that bubbles out of his throat.
Predictably, this Yukio hasn't quite mastered the nonchalant disapproval his older self wields better than his pistols, but he still throws his best disdainfully perplexed look at Rin. It makes him want to laugh more.
Rin gives him a soft pat on the back, "What's your name?"
"I'm Okumura Yukio, an exwire," he replies, snapping back to seriousness, "I came with tou-san, um, Father Fujimoto and his team to exorcise a Cat Sidhe. There was a disturbance that startled it, so the rest of the team has split up to search the forest," he looks down at his shoes, expression turning crestfallen.
It's reassuring; how easily Rin can read him right now. "Huh, an exwire," he huffs, "the old man— er, Father Fujimoto trusts you a lot, doesn't he? I mean, he's leaving you to hold down the fort while the rest of them run around like headless chickens looking for this cat, am I right?"
He's not ashamed to admit how accomplished he feels as Yukio beams, "I'm also in charge of drawing the barrier," he says proudly, "See?"
Rin turns to look where he's pointing and, of course he has no idea what it's supposed to do, but as if he's going to give Yukio the satisfaction of knowing that, age difference or no.
"Hmm, looks pretty sharp," Rin grins, "you've worked hard to get this down, haven't you?"
But even as he says this, Yukio's words come to the back of his mind, still painful in their clarity. He was raising us to be weapons...just mere tools.
Because, really, how hard will this Yukio have to work to reach the present, where he stands so far away?
He remembers...that one time he'd knocked Yukio's glasses straight off his face—and they'd landed back on his head like a miracle—but a small part of him had been way proud to discover that Yukio was a first-class exorcist. He's always been proud of Yukio; his kind, brainy, hard-working little brother who'd had such an admirable goal.
He was so much better than Rin, wasn't he?
So why would he think Rin was the special one, when Yukio was—
"Did...did I mess up somewhere?" Yukio asks.
"Uh, what? No," Rin protests, "You did great."
"Oh, thank you," he smiles sheepishly.
"So, this is to catch the—"
Wait, the Cat Sidhe...this temple and the old man; it must be Kuro. Rin's sudden appearance must have alarmed him, even if the exorcists didn't realize, but if so, that means he's changed things already. The old man was supposed to stare down with Kuro, then win him over with the wine, not chase him around the forest like what's happening now.
"I'll stay here with you," Rin declares, "Chances are, he'll come back here." He slaps his most confident grin on, "He thinks we're the weak link, but between you and me, we can take him down."
Yukio gives an enthusiastic nod before smiling hesitantly. "Rinka-san, what meister do you have?"
"I, uh, I'm a knight," Rin lies. He's… not one yet, but he knows he will be, once everyone gets out of this mess. Then the disasters caused by demons all over the world will stop, they'll cram for the certification exam together, and Yukio would go back to being their teacher. Things will definitely be okay.
"Say, you're aiming for dragoon, right—"
A loud crash breaks through the clearing as a thick oak tree tumbles to the ground, sending splintering wood fragments through the air. Rin instinctively throws himself over Yukio, pushing his head down as the he sees Kuro's enormous paw hit the pavement.
"Hey, calm down Kuro!" Rin yells, before he remembers the old man was the one who named him Kuro; then what's Rin supposed to call him?
"Leave!" Kuro's voice echoes loudly in his head, "This is my territory, you humans keep trying to tear down my home!"
"You can't live here anymore." Rin says, as he pulls himself up, brushing a few stray twigs off his coat.
"No! This is my home," Kuro insists, waving his tails menacingly.
"Rinka-san, shouldn't we use the tranquilizers?" Yukio urges, "If he rampages—"
"No," Rin steps forward, "We don't need to hurt him." Kuro is one of his best friends and his irreplaceable partner. There's no way Rin won't be able to talk him out of this. "I know you're just lonely, right?"
Kuro falters, "This is my home. If I stay, they'll come back."
"They won't!" Rin shouts, "The people who needed you aren't here anymore," he takes a quick breath, trying to push the sincerity he feels into his voice, "We can give you a new place to belong."
"They won't come back?"
"You can't stay here. We'll give you a new home."
"They will come back," Kuro hisses, "If I wait, they will."
Rin twists the sides of his coat in frustration, watching as Yukio sends him another anxious glance. "You want to leave though," he begins, "don't you? If you stay here, you won't be able to help anyone. There are other people who need you."
And it seems Kuro is still the same old softie, because he takes a light step forward, voice tentatively hopeful, "Really?"
"Really," Rin repeats, "The old man's going to take you in. He'll ask you to be his familiar, and he'll give you catnip wine! He'll give you a warm place to live and you won't have to be alone anymore," Rin smiles, reaching a hand out cautiously.
Kuro gives his hand a soft nudge and sniffs it carefully. "You don't seem like those others," he admits, "I won't forgive you if you're lying."
"I swear," Rin smiles, "you'll like it there." He gives Kuro a hesitant scratch under the chin and soon, he reverts to his house cat-sized form, yawning as Rin rubs his ears.
"Rinka-san," Yukio whispers, "are you sure he's safe now?"
"Yep, Kuro is, hey listen closely, Yukio," Rin says, not taking his eyes off Kuro, "Kuro will only ever lash out because he's been hurt, because he hates being alone. He never means any harm, okay?"
As if to demonstrate, Kuro follows his finger, rolling over so Rin can scratch his furry belly.
Yukio nods in awe, "How did you know how to calm him down?"
"I'm a great exorcist, obviously," Rin preens, secretly relieved. He doesn't have his sword right now, and if the demon hadn't been Kuro, he would have been so screwed.
An awkward silence stretches between them and Rin racks his brain for something to say. He'd thought he might be able to get some answers out of this younger Yukio but now that he's here, he doesn't think it'll help. They seem to be too different.
"I can tell," Rin announces, "you're going to be great too, Yukio."
"Really?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't you think so?"
"It's nothing really."
"I know you're going to be great," Rin sits with his legs crossed, placing Kuro in front of him to smooth his fingers through soft fur, "you hate losing after all."
Yukio frowns in confusion and Rin's not sure if he'll remember this, or if Mephisto will pull strings to fix the mess he's made of the timeline, but he feels as though he must have done something wrong or the future—present—Yukio would never have felt that way.
He picks Kuro up and plops him into Yukio's lap. "I know I'm just some stranger that you ran into today, but sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know," Rin says, chest feeling tight as he forces the words out, "people you won't meet again."
Kuro swats at Yukio's hand once before curling comfortably against his coat. Yukio looks pensive and Rin doesn't know if he's clever enough to put the pieces together yet—the idea is too far-fetched—but he thinks it's possible Yukio has already considered that Rin is not who he says he is.
"I…" Yukio bites his lip, prodding his glasses up, "I'm not— I'm always being protected by nii-san. I'm weak," he mumbles.
"No, you're not," Rin protests immediately, "you've never been weak."
"...Ahh, thank you."
"No, I mean it," Rin insists, "why would you think you're weak?"
Yukio looks down, combing his hands through Kuro's fur, not meeting his eyes, "Rinka-san, you're strong, so you can say things like that easily."
Rin wavers, trying to organize the adamant thoughts in his head into something coherent. Yukio has always been this way, but Rin knows him, he can give this Yukio confidence. If anything, he'll regret not making the most of this opportunity. He'll never see this Yukio again; he needs to say as much as he can.
"Yukio, I don't uh, I mean, your brother doesn't protect you because he thinks you're weak," he says slowly. He wants to say this carefully. Not to this Yukio, but to the older one. The one who clawed himself through the ranks of countless exorcists, who can't stand losing, who's trying to make a place for himself in a world that he hasn't been born to privileged with power.
He wants to say this to the Yukio who works himself to the bone protecting people, when he's painfully mortal himself; who is strong because of his sheer determination—
"He protects you because he'd rather get hurt in your place than let you feel any pain. Because—"
"I don't need it though," Yukio says coldly, "isn't he assuming I'll be hurt because I'm weak?"
I'm sorry, nii-san, he'd said, voice—mild, like the snow falling around them— almost indiscernible above the droning of the helicopter. And Rin had stared down the gleaming barrel of his gun desperately in disbelief, I want to be strong. So…I don't need your help anymore.
Rin opens his mouth, but the words don't come out. He wants to say he loves Yukio, that he protects him because it's his duty as the older twin, that just because Yukio doesn't need it, doesn't mean Rin won't give it to him.
None of those are what Yukio wants to hear though.
Maybe he was wrong. He's been turning the words over and over, trying to figure out when Yukio started to go astray; when he started to believe those things about himself. But from what this younger Yukio just said, what if he's thought that all along?
Then, isn't it Rin's fault for never realizing?
Rin stands abruptly, "Then tell him that," he says sharply, "tell him, because he doesn't know, he doesn't know you hate it!"
Yukio flinches at the harsh tone of his voice, and Rin immediately knows he's messed up, he shouldn't have gotten angry at Yukio.
"I just, I just mean, don't keep those things to yourself. He'll always be on your side, no matter if you hate him, or leave him, or even shoot him in the future. Just...tell him, because he can't guess those things—"
"Who are you?" Yukio interrupts, "Why do you—"
"Yukio! What happened? Are you injured?" The old man rushes over, and he stops as he sees Rin, eyes widening in panic. "You're— who are you?"
Rin flounders for a second but before he can respond, a pink cloud puffs between them and his heart sinks as Mephisto swings an arm around his shoulders. He wants more time; he hasn't finished saying the things he needs to. He still doesn't know what to do.
"There you are," Mephisto smiles smoothly, "I've been looking all over for you. Father Fujimoto, if you'll excuse us," he says, snapping his fingers.
Rin stumbles, recognizing the ornate, glass gates he'd been standing in front of before. He whirls around, seeing Mephisto standing on the balcony and staggers to his feet, "Did I, was I not supposed to talk to them? What happens now?"
"It's too complicated for you to understand anyway," Mephisto leans on the rail, pointing to the rising wisps of smoke from fires in the city, "You have bigger problems to be worrying about—"
"Why did you send me there?" Rin interrupts impatiently.
Mephisto turns around leisurely, "The key doesn't follow my orders, only its owner's," he pauses, and an amused smile edges onto his face, "...Didn't you want to go there?"
(Sorry) More Notes:
Hello!
Thank you for reading this! There are a few things I wanted to clarify a little because I think my reasoning for some parts may not be very clear.
To begin with, when Mephisto gives Rin the coat, in chapter 99, he says it has "camo" abilities, but this has yet to demonstrated, so...I just did whatever.
Also, before Mephisto sends Rin off to go to the past, he tells Rin, in chapter 100, not to talk to people in the past and that it won't cause time paradoxes, but there will be confusion. I thought this was rather cryptic, but it leaves a lot of stuff up in the air for interpretation. I didn't address it explicitly in this fic, but I might write a sequel if people like this reasonably(please comment, the author is starved for comments. Even emoticons are welcome). XD
Rin has white hair on the most recent color page released in chapter 110, it looks super cool but reminds me a little of Kaneki's thing with the changing hair colors and I hope that doesn't happen in Ao no Exorcist because honestly that was a little weird. I think there might have been another color page earlier, but I don't remember; anyway, he's had white hair since his hear showed up in chapter 96, so part of the reason why he's not immediately recognized by the younger Yukio in this fic is because he's older, and he has white hair. But, I'll leave it up to you to decide whether Yukio figures it out towards the end or not. I think Rin probably still has similar mannerisms, so Yukio should at least kind of feel like there's something up with him.
Then, in chapter 8 and episode 10, Kuro shows up and there's a flashback about Father Fujimoto becoming friends with Kuro super fast, like wow that was fast, so I just decided, maybe Rin's not quite as pro, but it's likely he wouldn't have too hard of a time convincing Kuro either. Also, in the same chapter/episode, Rin and Yukio argue and Rin slaps his glasses up, so that's the part I'm referring to in the fic.
Okay, last one. So, in chapter 99, Mephisto tells Rin to use the kamikashi key (which means "spirited away" or literally, "hidden away by god") to go to the past he desires. And, that's the premise behind this entire fic. :)
Yay, sorry for being so long winded. I don't think I've ever written this much in the notes section before. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this! If you have time, please leave a comment. :D I'd love to hear your thoughts on things I did well, or ways that I could improve. It'd be nice to know which lines you liked or something like that. Again, thank you for reading! ^^
-bluewindfall