Living Is A Problem Because Everything Dies.
Author - Sikemi Lecki
Characters: Sam, Dean
Summary: Some days Sam just wants to give in and make the pain go away. But as long as Dean is here he'll always have a reason to say "No"
Warning : Some season 5 spoilers!!!!!!!!!
A/N: I'm feeling quite depressed atm so I needed to write a fic where Sam cried. LOL. And this is it.
Reviews are like strands of pada-hair - very precious to me! :D
Disclamier: I OWN THEM. I OWN THEM. Okay, okay you're right - I don't!
Song title are lyrics at the beginning are from "Living Is A Problem Because Everything Dies" by Biffy Clyro.
Lyrics at the end are from "Without You" By three days grace.
I pray to God that you're right before my eyes
Bathed in white light with halos in your eyes
Don't wanna waste no more time
Time's what we don't have
Everywhere I look someone dies
Wonder when it's my turn
Sam's about to stab a demon with the knife when he feels it. His blanket of protection slipping away; his walls tumbling down. For the first time in a long time he just wants say 'Fuck it' and drink the blood. What does he have to lose; the world is in ruins - about to end - and its his fault. Dean may say that he doesn't blame him but Sam can see the look in his eyes. He can see the hurt and he knows that he is the reason for it. Sam just wants to break, fuck being saved. If this is what living is then he just wants to break. The demon starts to laugh and Sam gets angry. He thrusts the knife into the demon. Over and over, until he can't do anymore. His hands are covered in blood and surprisingly he realises that he doesn't need the blood. He wants; he wants it bad but need it? Hell, no. He needs to fix this mess they're in. The mess he put them in.
"Sam? Sam what are you doing" Dean enters the room and sees the multiple stab wounds on the body. He hears Dean gasp, "D-did-did you t-,"
"I wanted to Dean; I just wanted it all to be over...still do" Sam slumps to the floor, tears streaming down his face. He hates breaking down in front of Dean like this but what choice does he have? He's tired of bottling it all up. Tired of pretending that he's okay when he's not.
"Sammy...what's wrong?" Dean asks and all of a sudden he's an eight year old kid who's growing up too fast, a kid who knows that monsters are and always have been real.
"Why does bad stuff always happen to us? Why is the world against us...," Sam whispers in a quiet voice, not seeing the look that creeps into Deans eyes. Dean is quiet for a long time, leaving Sam to get lost in his head. Sam doesn't even hear him when he says,
"You have to stop this," Sam blinks not bothering to wipe the shed tears on his face.
"What?" he asks and then he pauses, "You think that I'm wallowing in own self pity don't you?" Sam shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face. He waits for Dean to yell at him but it doesn't come so he continues, "You think I don't know what I've done? That I don't know that we can't fix this..." he trails off as he realises what he just said. Dean frowns,
"You don't think we can win..." he murmurs. Sam hangs his head down and just stares at the body in front him.
An innocent life stolen. Just like so many others. So many that Sam has failed to save.
"I thought you wanted to fight, you can't keep running away Sam. It won't make it all go away," Dean says in a quiet tone.
"I do want to fight, hell I HAVE too its just that...," Sam pauses for a minute before looking straight at Dean, "I'm Lucifer's vessel...what if that's my destiny...what if in foresight I'm trying to fight myself? And I...I'm scared that one day I'll say yes...that he'll make it stop, I just want it stop! Why do innocent people have to die...and I'm guilty but I'm still here...and for some insane reason you're sticking with me," Sam stops and watches as conflicting emotions pass through Dean's face.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Dean says through gritted teeth," What's all of this REALLY about?"
"I don't want to be alone, not again...but I know that you'll leave. I want you to leave but I need you to stay...how pathetic is that?" Sam starts to tremble as fresh tears run down his face. Dean sinks down onto the floor and wraps his arms around Sam. Sam just sobs brokenly and clings on tightly. He's never going to want to let Dean go but he knows that one day he'll need too. Dean leans back and glares at Sam,
"I'm not going anywhere Sammy - remember that I gave up my soul for you and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Yes you betrayed and hurt me but how many times have you come to my rescue? How many times have you saved people? We can't save everybody, man"
"That's the problem...everything dies, no matter how hard we try to save them we can't play God," Sam concludes wistfully. Both brothers look down as they reflect on everything. Neither will say it but without each other they'd be nothing at all.
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all
Nothing at all