Horrible, Wonderful
A/N: I don't own Twilight. Obviously.
I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry Bella.
I am so sorry.
I repeated this mantra as I ran as fast as possible. Jasper followed blindly behind me, radiating confusion. I couldn't even tell him why we were running. If I said it out loud it would make it too real. I couldn't face the fact that I was running from my family. They were the people I loved more than my own life, and I was running away from them as fast as my feet would take me. More importantly, I was running away from my sister, my best friend.
I am so sorry.
I had to this, I reasoned. It would help in the end. But a small voice in my head countered my reasoning. What if it didn't? What if I could not succeed? Even if I somehow managed to succeed, would I get back in time? Could I get back in time? What if the Volturi got there first? This final question almost brought me to my knees. I was abandoning my own family. I was leaving them. I was doing the one thing I had promised myself I would never do. I was forsaking the people who had taken me in and loved me unconditionally. They hadn't even known me. I was a complete stranger to them, and they had taken me in! Oh god, I am horrible. I truly am a monster. I am doing the very same thing that my human family did to me. They left me to die in an asylum. I was leaving my family to die, on the slight glimmer of hope that I could help prolong this coming death. It was definite; I had seen it in my visions. Anyway they would go about it they would die. I didn't know if I would help at all, even if I succeeded. I couldn't see anything since I decided to do this. I was searching for a blind spot.
A horrible blind spot. Perhaps a wonderful blind spot. Maybe an inconsequential blind spot. But however you put it, it was a blind spot, and I couldn't see it. I couldn't see whether my family lived or died! For god's sake why couldn't I see this thing? I could see that tomorrow a young girl would get married to the love of her life, and a father would cry when his son graduated from college. I could see that a man would stand in the very place I stood now, and listen to the sounds of the forest. I could see that a little boy would be lost in this forest, only to be found a few hours later by his worried mother. I could see the future of any stupid meaningless thing that crossed my path, but why couldn't I see the future of my family? Myself? Or Jasper?
Jasper, I sighed inwardly. He was so wonderful. He followed me blindly as I ran to the sea, away from the glass house we knew as home. He ran away from his family, the people who had dared to see past his scars and see the man that I knew. The wonderful man who would trail me wherever I went, even if he did not know why. He didn't know that the only way I knew to help my sister and the family I loved was to run. He just knew I was running, and he followed me. He ran and I ran. Together. Away from our home, our family, our life. We ran. And we never looked back.
How was I going to explain this to Bella? How could I look her in the face after what I had done? How could I call her my sister after the pain I would put her through. Of course, this would only matter if we survived. I couldn't see how we could survive. Even if we had the chance to actually fight the Volturi, there was absolutely no way we could win. I didn't need to be a psychic to know that. No one had ever defeated them, and no one ever would. That was why they were so powerful, that was why no one challenged them. No one challenged them because everyone who challenged them died within seconds. It wasn't even a fight. They were the government, and no one challenged the government. They were the most monstrous vampires out there. They were the monsters among monsters. I couldn't begin to fathom how they could do what they did. How could someone simply plan to destroy an entire family because they were different? We hadn't done anything wrong, even though they thought we had.
This thought brought me musings to Irina. This was all her fault. Although deep down, I knew the Volturi would have found a reason to attack us eventually, I couldn't help but feel complete hatred toward Irina. My anger and jealousy flared so much that Jasper froze. I had stopped running as well.
"Alice, what….?" Jasper didn't finish his sentence. I stared into his eyes and understood him. He deserved to know what in the world we were doing.
"If I find another like Renesmee, we might stand a chance to explain our case to the Volturi. It might help," I simply stated. I didn't know how else to explain what the hell I was doing. I kept my chin down, but I could feel Jasper eyes burning into my short hair. He must be so disappointed in me. He must feel as if I was as bad as the Volturi. I was engulfed in self-pity.
Jasper lifted my chin up and looked into my eyes. I felt a lull of calm wash over me. More calming then his power were his words. These simple words he said made me believe that I might actually be doing the right thing. Maybe I would be able to help. Maybe I would have some impact on the future. The future can change; I knew this better than anyone. Maybe we would be able to prolong the coming death I had seen so clearly. Maybe we could find this blind spot.
And Jasper made me feel all this with a few simple words,
"It will all be fine, Alice. This is right."
Oh god, I hope it is.
Should I continue? Review please!