Hey guys! I'll bet your all shocked to see yet ANOTHER story from yours truly!
Well, you are very entitled to feel that way. However, this story's been a LONG time coming. I first hinted at this one in the fifth chapter of "A TDA Love Triangle"! So, why have I been so eager to get this story uploaded even with all of the workload that I've got on my plate as a fan-fiction writer? There are two reasons. One, this first chapter has almost been entirely written since when Total Drama All Stars was airing! So I've been eager to finally show the fruits of my labor to all my good fans. But it's the second one that's the greater reason. I've done much with Total Drama fan-fiction. I've made romances, horror stories, crossovers, and lemons, among others…but I've never made a comedy story. Just about every story I have written has comedy in it but overall most of my work is far more on the serious side of things. Just once, I wanted a story that has no higher aim than making people laugh.
Anyway, here's the first chapter of "Izzy's Violations of Literary Propriety, or This Story be Whacked!": I am the Walrus; Goo, goo, g' job
Somewhere in Canada, in a place not in Canada but on the outskirts of Canada, where it was debatable if its an island or not and I don't have the desire or current attention span to look on the Internet if it is or not, the fifth season of Total Drama was taking place.
During this season there was such epic internal struggle: Mike struggling against a heartless personality called Mal for not just control of his own body but the wellbeing of his only friends, Zoey started to become scared and unsure of the boy she cared for more than life itself and being totally unsure how to handle such a unbelievably insane situation, Gwen was attempting to earn redemption for a foolish lustful decision that cost her a friendship that she discovered she cared about far more while still grappling with the fact that she did throw that beloved friendship away, Courtney was starting to fight with her normally all-powerful ego and relentless self-advancement as she was debating if she should risk trusting Gwen again even though the last time she tried to be open with her it caused her to feel more horrible than she ever had before in her entire entitled life.
All of these would be the kinds of internal character conflicts that make for great tales if handed properly by writers more reliably capable than the writing staff at Fresh TV.
This story is not focusing on any of them.
Instead were going to where all the losers not competing are just sleeping…Enjoy!
Noah slept and Cody slept. Though not together.
Bridgette slept and Geoff slept. Together.
Katie slept and Sadie slept. Together, though not in the way you're thinking, perverts!
Sam slept.
Brick slept.
Owen slept. Owen farted.
SO MUCH EPICNESS!
Anyway, at the resort for those not competing in TDAS, it was an ordinary night. Those thankful to not be in the game were all resting, dreaming sweet dreams without care.
Even the roaring of the thunderstorm outside couldn't awake any of the teenagers.
The frantic tossing and turning of one of the unused contestants was the only source of sound inside. As her covers were being violently torn from the tucked in edges of her bed, Izzy appeared to be fighting to stay asleep with the same vigor most would use when attempting to bring down a mutated bear with spiked octopus tentacles and laser vision.
Izzy would know; she had done that before…at least in last night's dreams she did.
But then again, Izzy had been struggling for the past week or so when sleeping. For the life of her, she couldn't understand why. What was different from just a few weeks ago? What had been different about today?
She woke up (like always), got into all kinds of cute and harmless mischief (as usual), caused massive amounts of property damage while still not becoming actually dangerous (nothing new), and shockingly kept herself from acting on her strongest impulses (per the norm), so what was the problem? The day started out like any other da-...oh, that's why.
Yes, as you can likely guess, Izzy is never one who adapts well to routine, of any kind. Even a routine of her own wacky wishes within normal parameters can only slake her for so long. And the worse part was that she had no idea what she could do to change that.
Cue contrived plot device to act as the "Call to adventure" (or that mono-myth plot thingy that starts the story off…at the beginning!) in three…two…one…
BOOM!
And the powerful percussion pulses of the thunder made Izzy suddenly…remain asleep!
…
Wait, what?
She didn't wake up? Um? Hold on one second; let me look at the chapter outline I wrote.
…
Yeah, she was supposed to wake up then. Isn't that a little odd?
Uh…ok….fine then, let's try this again…I guess?
Cue the plot thingy that starts the story off…at the beginning in three…two…one…
BOOM!
Ok, now that Izzy was awakened by the cascading call of the raging storm she…
OH COME ON! SHE'S STILL SLEEPING!
This is pathetic; I mean what is this? Amateur hour!? Even writers who can't spell the word "cow" correctly can at least make their characters do what they want them to!
Whatever! If it doesn't work this time then I'm going back to the twelve-part porno of transvestite midgets in lobster costumes jousting with dildos riding Galapagos torto…
(Uh…note to self, remove that last part before submitting this first chapter. Man, that would be so embarrassing if that somehow slipped through!)
All right. Boom-boom begin…
{BOOM!}
Izzy finally shot up after waking up. "What! Who's there!? Who's here with Izzy!?"
{Izzy's in here with Izzy!}
"What!? No one's in here with Izzy!"
{Yes, I am!}
"What are you!? Are you some matter of Dracula, or a Frankenstein?"
[No, she isn't. And even if she was either of those options, that wouldn't explain why you can't see her.]
"Wha-another one!? What kinds of Dracenstein are you!? And explain the spooky powers you have. Izzy wants in on it!"
[Uh. I should have known that she wouldn't get it. Do you want to take this first?]
{Oh, oh, oh! Let me go first! Introductions are like a social kind of BOOM!}
[Very well.]
{Yes! Anyway, hello Izzy. I am you!}
"No your not! Because if you are me, then who am I?"
{You are you, and I am you! I've been you ever since the BOOM in TDA!}
"Wait a second? Does that mean that your…?"
{Yup! Its-a me, Explosivo!}
[Is there any particular reason that you had to mimic Mario there?]
{'Cuz its fun! Almost as much fun as making things go BOOM! OH…yeah! Explosivo LOVES making things go BOOM! Doesn't matter if its paint or great balls of fire, the BOOM is pounding of creation's hammer on the anvil of time as humanity forged its means to surpass its limitations to enter the realm of gods! It's so freakin' awesome!}
"Ooo…Izzy likes Explosivo!"
{And Explosivo likes Izzy too! Oh, so many feels! Self-hug!}
Izzy then started hugging herself tightly.
[I should have known that you two would hit it right off of the bat.]
"And just, who, are you, Miss Grumpy Head in Izzy's happy head?"
[I am the illusory distinctiveness you generated after the knockout blow to the cranium in Jamaica and which you then bequeathed the injudicious moniker of Brianzilla to.]
"So…you're the smarty-pants personality that came after a jumbo jet fell on my head?"
[Yes.]
"Then why didn't you just say that and avoid all those big unneeded words?"
[Just because I'm forced by higher powers to be a part of this moronic and unpublished narrative of insanity doesn't mean that I am required to dumb myself down for it.]
"Unpublished? Narrative? What are you talking about dull voice in Izzy's head?"
[Um. I should have realized that you wouldn't get it. Even your not that crazy.]
{Yet! Hey, Story Man! Make her start tripping balls before reaching the Star Child!}
[I believe what my intellectually lacking compatriot is trying to say is, 'Rufus, could you please allow Izzy to reach enlightenment at the ultimate truth in a manner vaguely resembling the start of the "Star Gate" sequence from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey'?]
I guess so, though the effect will be somewhat diminished since those reading this can't hear the music or see the visuals.
"Who are you guys talking to? Is it a…" Izzy started to ask confused before stopping.
Then, for reasons even she couldn't explain, Izzy started to see flashes of light. The flashes became more numerous, more varied in color. They darted past her eyes.
Some impressive opera music started to blare in her ears from out of nowhere.
Still sitting in her bed, she began to shake, as if she were suddenly very cold.
The lights became streams of energy, flashing their shimmering technicolor glory for her as they whisked by like endlessly elongating bullet of brightness.
By now Izzy was violently shaking, fearing that her body was going to fall apart.
As Izzy's body was threatening to shatter like glass, her eyes were threatening to be blinded by rays of lights not meant for mortal eyes, and her ears were threatening to be blasted to pieces because of the unexplained opera music…she entered a new level of being!
What she was experiencing was something that words couldn't hope to describe.
Shoo, that's a relief! Now I can half-ass this part!
…
No, no, Rufus. Don't do that to your readers. All right, here we go…
Izzy was seeing all of infinity in one gigantic instant. She was experiencing billions upon billions of actions and decisions from every possible vantage point throughout the eons. She was enduring the totality of everything, from every perspective in the universe.
Time was suddenly not a linear progression of events but a single explosion.
She saw everything. She felt everything. Everything.
She saw an infinite number of universes as they expended and multiplied like germs. She felt the rush of every young person who engaged in sex. She saw cavemen killing each other. She felt every bullet or blade that entered every person. She saw every highly acclaimed movie ever made. She felt all the frustration of people trapped in thick traffic.
She saw and felt all of these things and so much more as her sight expanded ever further outward. Soon enough, entire universes looked like marbles shrinking into dust grains.
Izzy saw herself being one of the two winners of an alternate second season of Total Drama with Bridgette after killing a giant octopus to save Ezekiel, after she had done so earlier from a Jigsaw wannabe. She saw herself as Brianzilla in Jamaica, kissing Ezekiel. She saw herself making out with Cody in the midst of a zombie apocalypse while in Hawaii. She saw herself starting a song about shipping that resulted in NoCo being named the greatest ship before a heart-breaking scene between Courtney and Duncan.
It made one thing impossible to deny, there was much more to reality than she could have imagined. Everything Izzy ever knew or believed was just a less than microscopic piece. Due to an infinite number of realities, her every possible choice was rendered pointless.
A few minutes was all that was required before Izzy felt her body and senses return to her. She just sat there, staring vacantly into the void of her revealed insignificance.
What Izzy just experienced was more frightening than any human could imagine and still remain sane. Only the most solemn and respectful of reactions could be expected and…
"Ha, ha, ha! That was great! Hit me again!"
{Did it work? Did it work!?}
[Hold on. We need to see. Izzy, can you still hear me?]
{And me?}
"Y…yes. Izzy can hear you both."
[Good. Now, do you see anything aside from what you saw before in your room?]
"Yes."
[What else do you see?]
"I see…a walrus? And the words…?"
{I think she might have it.}
"…Goo…goo…g' joob?"
{Yeah, she's got it!}
"And I see…giant turtles? With little people on them looking like lobsters holding…"
Ok, that's enough! We get it, Izzy. No need to expand it to my other computer activity!
"WHOA! Who the heck was that!? Is their a third, well, fourth voice in Izzy's head!?"
No, Izzy. I'm not in your head. My penname is Rufus T. Serenity. I'm this story's author.
"Story? What are you talking about? This is real life, it's not a story!"
Oh, but it is Izzy. It is. Everything that has happened or will happen is as I foresee it. There is nothing that is unknowable to me. I know everything that you're going to say.
"Oh, come on, that's a lo-"
Load of crap.
"You can-"
Can't predict what I'm going to say.
"I-"
I'm.
"Sto-"
Stop that.
"I mean-"
Mean it. Stop it.
"Polly pack-"
Polly packed a pint of pickled peepers.
"She sells-"
She sells sea shells by the…
"K-m-"
K-mart.
"Damn it!"
You see. I am awesome!
{Izzy has broken the fourth wall! And she is the walrus who's seen the lobster midgets!}
[And to think, this hasn't happened on the actual show yet? Such a missed opportunity.]
{It could still happen. Please let it happen, Fresh TV!}
[Anyway, how are you feeling Izzy? What else do you see now?]
The normally Wild Redhead was silent for a moment, looking around very intently.
"Oh…my…god…Izzy doesn't have a body! Izzy's just made out of words!"
Yes, Izzy, you are. Everyone is made out of words. This is a written story, after all.
"Hey, there's no need to go bold on Izzy…even if Izzy just did it to by accident. Izzy's still adjusting to the mind-shattering realization that every single thing about her very perception of reality itself is a total lie!" Izzy said, genuinely horrified and reeling.
Two second later.
"And now I'm ok with it." Izzy said, perfectly calm and collected.
[For someone who discovered that their whole world isn't real, you're taking this well.]
"Yeah, well you know, its no biggie. Its just all reality."
{Yeah, who needs reality, anyway? Besides, it's all just a matter of perspective!}
[Before Explosivo accidently says something intelligent and signals the apocalypse…]
{At least I'd do a better job of it than those ancient, lying Mayans!}
[…let's get back on point and tell Izzy why we asked for her to see past the fourth wall.]
Very good, Brianzilla. Very good. Anyway, Izzy, about why I've reached out to you. You see, I have a tendency to write a lot of heavy and emotional fan-fiction, and well, as much as I enjoy it, I feel like I need at least one story that's nothing but mad cap comedy. And I thought to myself, 'Rufus, who would be a better instrument for throwing all seriousness in the trash than that superb mad redhead who hasn't gotten the proper attention by me?'
"Oh, oh, oh…me! Pick me!" Izzy shouted while raising her hand with the other on the elbow supporting it like a school student overly eager to be picked to answer a question.
[I'm pretty sure that question was rhetorical.]
"Regardless, I'm game! So, Ruffy, what do you want to do for the rest if this chapter?"
First off, don't call me Ruffy.
"I make no promises, Ruffy."
And second…Uh. You know what…I didn't think of what was supposed to come next.
"Say, Izzy has an idea!"
{Does it involve BOOM?}
"No."
{Then I hate it!}
"Can we at least show the readers what might come in a super-cool montage!?" Izzy happily asked.
How would I be able to write an effective and fun to read montage when the readers can't see the image or hear the music?
"Come on! The reader's have got imaginations, don't they!?"
No, Izzy. I'm sorry but I'm the author and so it is I who controls the story's progression. What would it say to the fine readers of this story if I just up and let you d-
...
-let you d-
...
-let you d-Huh? Izzy…? WhAt…!? HoW DiD YOU gEt…? WaiT! HeY! STop tHAT! WhaT ARe YoU DoINg!? PEW! PEW! WAAAAH! AAARGH! FIANT! THUNK!
AND SO IZZY NOW HAD THE POWER TO CONTROL THE STORY"S PROGRESSION AND BE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT OF THIS FINE ROARING LION OF A STORY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS CHAPTER!
[So Izzy completely broke the fourth wall, grinded it into a fine dust snorted by crack-heads, and is now in control? Well that escalated quickly. And this is only chapter one.]
{What happened to the funny story-time man!?}
RELAX, THE AUTHOR"S FINE! HE"S JUST A BIT KNOCKED OUT! HENCE THE EARLIER "PEW!" "PEW!" "WAAAH!" "AAARGH!" "FIANT!" AND "THUNK!"
[Fair enough, I guess. Now can you cool it with the cap lock, please?]
CAPS LOCK? I"M JUST HOLDING DOWN SHIFT WHILE TYPING EVERYTHING.
[That would explain the "'s where there should be 's. But that doesn't explain why there are still periods and comm-]
THE DOC MANAGER DOESN'T PICK UP WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU HOLD SHIFT ON THOSE KEYS.
[Oh...]
{Besides, typing everything in caps shows how serious you are about something!}
[Or that your undermining your point by neutralizing your emphasis childishly.]
EITHER WAY, THE ASSES OF THE CAPS ARE STAYIN" TAPPED!
[Nice wording. Very classy.]
{I know, right!}
[Ignoring that obvious stupidity, have you considered the humble reader, Izzy? What if he, she, or mutated sentient hamster from the planet Mars won't go with this craziness?]
OF COURSE IZZY HAS! BUT READER, JUST GO WITH IT…THE BOOBED STORY GOD IZZY"S ABOUT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE FUDGING LIFE!
"And now that that's out of the way…*cough* *cough*…BRING THE MONTAGE!" I SAID ENTHUSIASTICALLY!
The music of "Ode to Joy" is played. Listen to it on Youtube while reading if you want. It's the version that's heard at the end of the 1971 classic movie "A Clockwork Orange" before the closing words "I was cured all right." It's the best use of "Ode to Joy" ever!
The ceiling above all of the Total Drama contestants suddenly goes BOOM!
{YAY!}
Chris is shocked to find that he is now bald and has bunny ears.
A vast garden of beautiful flowers with huge blinking human eyes surrounded by the pedals suddenly blooms up from rows upon rows of easy chairs.
Izzy is attacking non-human enemies by using two live great white sharks as clubs.
Brick and Izzy are dodging machine gun fire from a man whose face is half black and half white in an art-deco city at night with darkened skyscrapers amid the black sky.
A giant being is answering ten telephones with six arms in the center of the Earth itself that has painted on his big blue chest the words "The Shiva of Big Business".
Izzy is firing a grenade launcher that fires reeved up chainsaws, which then explode.
Brick punches Cancer itself in the face.
A beautiful unicorn with a rainbow mane impales man with its horn, and then it does so again.
Izzy is fighting an armored knight with a sword using only a pillow and a stubborn mule.
Everything is in black and white as a kid is riding his bike in a lead-lined body suit that looks like a full-body oven mitt as a mushroom cloud is rising in the distance behind him.
Izzy is spinning around with her arms raised like a ballerina in a beautiful white dress with a small, warm smile on her face in a blank white room.
Brick and Izzy are studying some art in a clean high-class museum looking very proper and restrained with serious expressions on their faces.
Izzy is spinning around with her arms raised like a ballerina with a chainsaw in her hands in a dress that has thickly red as the rest of her blood covered body with a huge terrifying smile on her face while the background is dark and on fire.
A man in his fifties in clothing over two hundred years old is in a modern day night club and is wooing all of the hot modernly and sparingly dressed ladies of questionable virtue.
Bridgette is lunging herself at Izzy with lustful eyes and intent.
A bunch of skeletons are doing the can-can, kicking their bony legs into the air in unison.
Sitting on a corn flake are four eggmen are kicking Edgar Allen Poe as an elementary penguin is singing Hare Krishna in the English rain.
Little men in lobster costumes with hints of woman's clothing beneath the red fabric meant to look like crimson shells are charging towards each other on the backs of Galapagos tortoises with woman's pleasure products in their smaller gripping hands.
Izzy and Brick are looking happy as they continuously curb-stomp something that isn't human in a snowy field with several rows of people in fancy Victorian-era clothing who are clapping them on in what appears to be slow motion with a surreal haze to it all.
IT"S GOING TO BE FUN ALL RIGHT!
Ugh…uh, wh-what happened? What happened! What hap-What the hell is all of that!? HOW DID THAT ENDING LITERALLY WRITE ITSELF!?
Calm down, Rufus, calm down. Its ok, its ok. Your safe now in the author's notes.
Uh…um, anyway…that was my first foray into pure comedy. Despite this being the first story to literally knock me out, I hope you all enjoyed this madcap intro! :)
Let me just say that it was very difficult for me to come up with such an original and totally not ripped off concept and delivery of said concept. Yes surrey bob, this idea was all mine and has absolutely borrowed from no other…
"Not true!"
Hold on, Izzy. Let me finish this-GAH! What the hell!? How did you get in the author's notes!?
"That's not important. Ya better get use to it, 'cuz Izzy gonna be co-pilot in these author's notes from here on out!"
You mean like when you were Chef's co-pilot in France and you crashed the plane?
"Maybeeeeee…But this is what happens when ya open up Panda Aura's box!"
Do you mean Pandora's box?
"Yeah! That's what Izzy meant! Wow, that was bad, Izzy means like Lindsay-level bad! Anyway, what is important is that Izzy must correct your mistake!"
And what mistake is that!?
"That this whole idea and set-up is original. Its not Rufus, its really not."
After knocking me out and high jacking our story, MY story, you have the gall to-!?
"Pull-leaze, what you've borrowed from is so obvious that Izzy's shocked no one has commented on it yet!"
Uh, how could anyone comment on it when this is before anyone had read it ye-?
"Doesn't matter! What does matter is you've ripped off royally from De-!"
Lalalalalalala! I am not listening!
"How is it not obvious? Let's just look at it. A wacky central character, breaking the fourth wall more than Owen breaks wind, and two other personalities to play off of her?"
Is somebody talking? I wouldn't know because I can't hear them! Lalalalalalalala!
"Its obvious that your rippling off…"
DON'T SAY IT!
"…Deathstroke!"
…Deathstroke?
"Yeah, Deathstroke."
Shoo…that's a relief a thought you were going to say…
"Psyche! Izzy meant Deadpool!"
NO!
And not just Deadpool but a Deadpool crossover fan-fiction with My Little Pony!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Hey, guys and girls! Izzy'll take over this closing out since Rufus is now crying in the corner at his biggest influence being exposed. Oh, and if ya want to know what that MLP fan-fic is, its "My Little Deadpool: Friendship is Deadpool" by LightTechnology. It's pretty good! And Izzy hopes that this first chapter was good enough that those of you who hate MLP can tolerate the first reference to it EVER in a Rufus T. Serenity story! Man; that pony cherry been waiting to be popped for years!
"Wait, what did Izzy just say?
"Well, anyway, it might be while till the next chapter of this story gets uploaded but trust Izzy it'll be worth it! Izzy's already looked at what's already written up for the next chapter and it's got some good stuff in it! Let's see here, the next chapter's got explosions, fish, aliens/demons, Heather with G-cupped sized boobies, and the greatest moment of all time! For reals, the best possible scene EVER happens in the next chapter!
"But you'll just have to wait till the next chapter to see that awesomeness for yourself! Till then please read this again, review, favor it, follow it, and spread the word! Izzy out!"