Author's Note: Here you go, Maya. One Tayu/Shika. Such crack... Oh, sweet crack. And I'll have you know that this was as hard as heck to write. But, oh, so gratifying. Hope you like it, girl!
Coming next, I think, are three new "30 Ways".
The glares seemed to be coming from everywhere.
A lump fighting it's way past the knot of the tie around his neck, the Leaf Chuunin idly fondled the starched creases of his khaki pants with calloused fingertips, trying to concentrate anywhere but on the half-dozen faces now focused on him.
Kidoumaru's knee cracked as he repositioned himself, dropping his gaze for a moment to replace his elbow against his kneecap, weight leaning onto the bent leg from where he stood, one foot on the opposite couch and the other supporting him from the ground.
Snake-like glints filled the identical eyes of the Sound twins, Sakon and Ukon, who, for once, had no contest about who's turn it was to have their head facing forward : There was too much resistance burning in their expressions to even contemplate arguing with each other, when there was so much arguing pent against the intruder to their home.
From a love seat across the room, Kimimaro shifted, tucking one leg beneath the other in a masculine jerk. His face betrayed no emotions on this subject whatsoever, but he'd bribed Kabuto into letting him limp to the sitting room to watch the spectacle, so he must have cared somewhat about the fate of Otogakure's only kunoichi. Groping half-mastly into the unbuttoned collar of his flannel shirt, the Kayuga scratched impassively at his chest, before flaccidly turning a cold, jaden pair of verdant eyes to the visitor who had unceremoniously appeared about ten minutes ago, giving the Sound's men only so much time to gather and stare him down.
Shikamaru felt another gulp forming in the back of his throat, but he dared not show his uneasiness by swallowing it; He'd been in many a battle where he'd had reason to be afraid, but here, surrounded by but a few sloppily-clad, body-odor scented, unshaven men who's appearances were a little less than fright-inducing, he felt horrifically frightened in a way that he'd never been before. In this battle, it was more than his life he feared.
Back rigid against the thin, dirt-crusted couch cushion, Shikamaru vainly gazed around the darkened area, hoping for something to hold his eyes on until he could escape this torture chamber of threatening glowers. Unfortunately, he found nothing to focus his sight on. The underground room, which resembled a storm basement, was a little less than tastefully decorated. A torch flickered in the corner of the room, the only illumination spreading over the handful of couches on which 6 Otonin sat, the flames making shadows dance across the small coffee table and illuminating the chilling glimmers in the corners of all of their eyes. Even the normally at-ease Kabuto, with glasses tilted to mask his expression, had an aura of murderous intent emanating from him. Arms crossed over his chest and legs folded Indian-style, the bookish medic seemed much, much more terrifying than the last Shikamaru had saw him, even without the glowing chakra on his hands.
Sakon scrunched his nose, and Ukon poked his tongue out at the pony tailed Konoha-nin in a childish fashion, before one of them knotted their arms in front of them, flicking one ankle in time to the sound of a cicada chirping above them all. Water plittered down from a crumbling spot in the ceiling, a aesthetic accompaniment to the hopping, twisting crackle of the tallow candle's flame.
He'd descended the curling stairs down into the darkness of the underground fortress without fanfare. A few Otonin had given him strange glances, but that was to be expected: if he'd have had his forehead protector on, they probably would have slain him on sight. Luckily, Tayuya had had the forbearance to warn him that striding into enemy territory wearing the country's arch nemesis's symbol might result in being skewered on a dozen or so kunai and than barbequed for next morning's breakfast. That description should have been enough to send the lazy genius scampering home to hide beneath the covers of his bed. However, it wasn't, so Shikamaru was sitting, dressed in his best shirt and pressed khakis, on a ratty lawn couch somewhere in the catacombs of Orochimaru's hidden citadel, a hundred miles from any Leaf allies to rescue him, should one of these testosterone-taut men lunge at him and try to make string from his brain stem.
Averting his eyes to his shined loafers, the black haired Chuunin tried to rationalize exactly what had sent him packing all the way to Otogakure, and into the den of glares that was this small, concealed sitting room, or what the hell had even attracted him to the Sound kunoichi Tayuya in the first place. It had to be some sort of genjutsu, he was now sure of. Dirty jade, with her magical flute and cute little mouth that spewed the most adorable swear words at all the right times..
The excitement of meeting his girlfriend of two weeks for an evening out, however, was quickly and silently bitch-slapped into submission by the grisly thoughts he could see circulating in Tayuya's fellow Otonin's heads. He didn't expect for her to have to rush back to her room for something, let alone for him to be expected to wait in the presence of six obviously very angry, very powerful, very vengeful Shinobi.
The thought of Tayuya returning from powdering her nose to find her suitor splattered against the walls made him positively want to squirm, but moving would be impossible, seeing as he was practically stunned by the beads of anger trained directly to him. Every one of the ninja, seated around him, were glaring directly at him and seemed ready to turn him into a pile of screaming, whimpering corned beef hash. Yes, indeed. The seconds until Tayuya came back and he could whisk her out the door were slowly becoming danger fraught and rather unbearable. Sakon and Ukon, Kidoumaru and Kimimaro; he remembered those names from the conquest of Otogakure. Something told him that none of them were exactly thrilled to have in their presence a little Leaf patsy and not have permission to turn him into shreddle. Tayuya had probably coached them to behave like normal humans, and threatened any one who so much as blinked at him funny with a gruesome, vividly-described death that would, in theory, require teams of inmates and pressure cleaners to adequately erases the traces of.
That thought alone was enough to make the Nara twitch, both with the excessively virile thoughts of how attractive Tayuya was when she was terrorizing people, and that she was capable of carrying out such death threats with less than a bat of her mascara-slathered eyelashes.
So, the Oto Twins, Yakushi Kabuto, Kayuga Kimimaro, and one Kidoumaru were inwardly raging at the invasion of their home country by a hated nation's lone ninja, among other things. Those six were reasons alone to be worried, though he knew they wouldn't dare defy their Tayuya's order.
Presiding directly in front of him, however, was what was making Shikamaru excessively nervous.
Fleshy and solemn, the sound of Jiroubo's teeth grinding together was audible as the man lugubriously sneered. The red haired Otonin continued to glance down his nose disapprovingly at the hunched form of Shikamaru, hands cupped over his knees and legs parted as he sat on the edge of the futon, Sakon and Ukon's glaring faces to his right. The nin was the largest of the group, and the most respite was visible in his eyes. Intimidation was allowing him to lord over Shikamaru, mostly because Shika knew he couldn't stand up to seven angry Sound nin by himself, let alone this guy. Heck, Jiroubo would probably do him in alone by sitting on him. As Shikamaru saw it, he had every right to be intimidated.
The pony-tail-endowed Leaf nin startled when the door to their right kicked open with a loud screech on it's rusty hinges, before relief washed over him. Tayuya had finally come back, and he could get away from the faces of her negative, angry teamma-
"Ssorry I'm late." the pale man muttered, before plopping down beside the handful of his minions on one of the futons to Shikamaru's left. One hand snapped up to flip the long, sable hair over one shoulder, before the golden-eyed man blinked lethargically and began to settle himself beside Kidoumaru.
What was Orochimaru doing here!? The top button of Shikamaru's top collar suddenly began to feel like it was strangling him. Of course. Orochimaru was going to do him in, because Tayuya couldn't order him around. Naturally, the clever bastards, afraid of Tayuya's wrath, had summoned their Otokage to have his snakes bat him around like a tetherball. They'd probably be pulling out beer brats and foam fingers in a few minutes, in preparation to enjoy the entertainment one jackass Leaf Shinobi had brought. Great. Some genius Shikamaru was. He was going to freaking die, just because he happened to get the hots for a bratty, spicy little Sound chick- He was all at once reminded of all the reasons that he'd stayed carefully away from women his entire life, all for the one recurring word in his life. The one that began with 'T', and ended with '-roublesome'.
"Thank you for coming, Orochimaru-sama." came Jiroubo's voice over the hands he'd cupped over his mouth in a thoughtful position.
"I believe we can begin now."
Wincing, Shikamaru considered his options. They were, to say the least, not good. Escape would be impossible, what with seven highly skilled ninja guarding the only door, and forty feet of hard-packed dirt in every direction, including up. Fighting them all off would be suicide, unless he used his new shadow technique, maybe- Thoughts racing and ponytail bobbing as his nose twitched, the seventeen-year-old began plotting how to perhaps escape to behind Tayuya's legs for shelter. Now, if only he could remember which room was hers in all these winding curves of hallways-
"Nara Shikamaru-San."
Jolting from his train of thought, Shikamaru visibly cringed at the address of his name. However, though he was expecting one, no blows came raining down on his prone form. Instead, when he opened one eye, all of the Otonin's glares seemed to have softened, and Jiroubo, the threatening pile of lard before him, immediately beckoned his attention.
"I understand that you were prepared to take our Tayuya out on a date. Is that correct?"
Our Tayuya? What? Managing to keep his curiosity at Jiroubo's formal timbre of voice contained, the Chuunin nodded, pony tail bouncing in affirmation.
Blinking lazily, Jiroubo's head bobbed in a small nod. Beside him, Orochimaru sandwiched his hands together where his legs met his lap, knitting his fingers anxiously and staring keenly at his pale knuckles.
Immediately, Sakon lurched forward a bit, teenage face blushing bright red and contorting with rage.
"I say, we cut this chit chat and friggin' string him up by his tonsils right now!" the blue-haired boy shrieked, shock of pale blue hair bobbing as he bounced up and down a few times to emphasize his offer. Behind him, Ukon nodded enthusiastically, snarling at the satisfaction such a suggestion gave his separate mind.
Kidoumaru, the four-armed Spider-nin standing directly behind him, immediately rolled his eyes and swatted a tanned hand at his teammate's head, evoking a squeak when his palm connected with the front of Ukon's face.
"Can it, you little worm. You're just mad because you have a little crush on her, and this guy can obviously ask her out without completely disgusting her." he scolded over Sakon's wails of pain, tone unsympathetic.
Shikamaru's eyes slid nervously from the sobbing twins to the chalk-white face of their leader. Orochimaru only met his gaze and shrugged, snaky eyes slanting as the Sannin blinked.
"Where were you going to take her?" Kabuto, across the room, drew his attention back by asking.
Other than feeling completely lost in the situation, Shikamaru glanced at the gathered Shinobi over once or twice, before parting his mouth to speak.
"Uh, we were going to go to that Italian place in the little outpost where the road forks to Kirigakure. You know, thought we'd have a cappuccino or two, maybe do some dancing along with the juke box."
"You should know, Nara-San, that anything you say had best be the truth, or I can guarantee hell to pay." Kimimaro interrupted with, cupping both hands over his disease-ravaged chest and swishing his snow-colored hair over one shoulder.
"Answer us honestly, and immediately, and we might let you live to see her again." the albino Kayuga finished, a smug flourish peeking through his monotone as he leaned back, lazily stretching the length of his separate love seat and crossing one leg over the other.
"But, that is the truth." Shikamaru stated, feeling his hand clench into a fist between the cushions of the couch he was seated on. It was natural for them all to be suspicious, but- A questioning? Were they interrogating him about the political differences between he and Tayuya?
"Alright." Orochimaru stated, nodding his acceptance of the nervous teenager's story, therefore signaling to Jiroubo to continue. A silent bob of head and a moment of silence later, Jiroubo narrowed his eyes and focused his vision into spotting any sign that Shikamaru was lying to them all. Seven pairs of eyes were watching him, so if he missed something, someone else was bound to see the little prick slip up. With a rumbling clear of his throat, the Sound Shinobi blinked, and asked:
"Have you been tested positive for AIDS, or are you currently infected with any type of Sexually Transmitted Disease?"
There was an awkward silence between these words and Shikamaru's response; mostly because Shikamaru's brain was orgasming into overtime in it's attempt to understand if Jiroubo had really just asked him-
'What!? No!" the Chuunin spat, lunging backwards as though he were physically taken aback by the question. What a question to ask! Why were- Shikamaru's thoughts scrambled as he gazed from Otonin to Otonin, meeting passive eyes and emotionless stares. Was that smug bastard Orochimaru smiling?
"Have you ever smoked pot, taken Rave, or been injected with heroine?"
"N-No!" Shikamaru shot back, mind buzzing with the camisado to his normally calm, lazy way thoughts.
"Do currently feel any necessarily lustful thoughts towards Tayuya, or any woman, in turn?"
"N-N-no."
"Are you a virgin?" Jiroubo stately queried, expression never altering.
"What business is it of yours, anyway!?" Shikamaru sputtered, hands turning into claw shapes behind his back. Any kind of physical attack, he had prepared for. But this, this- Kami. What was this? What did it matter is he was a- Why did these nosy freaks want to know, anyway?
"I'll have you know that Tayuya is, at this moment, a virgin." Kidoumaru stated gravely, tilting his head back to gaze down his nose at their fortress's invader.
"If she does not come home from this date in the same unadulterated state, I reassure you, Mr. Nara, that you will be hunted down like the dog you are, beaten to an inch of your life, and tortured in ways you never imagined possible."
Shikamaru's head tilted to the side, lip curling as his thoughts began to settle.
"Now." Orochimaru soothed. "I was perfectly willing to trek along with them, and stake out their entire date to make sure he didn't try to hanky-panky her, but Tayuya was strictly against it. You see, Shika-kun, we appreciate our Tayuya very much, and we're not about to let some perv-dog make away with her innocence."
"What innocence? The woman cusses like a sailor, makes lewd comments about your sexual preferences, and insults every living person she sees!" Kabuto begged, rolling his eyes, shrugging his shoulders, and turning his palms skywards.
"Dulelly noted, Kabuto. But, there's a difference between how she is now, and how she will be if some man does despicable things to her. And besides, it's common knowledge that I am, indeed, gay as all get out."
There were a few winces and eye twitches from the gathered, including Shikamaru, over the last comment of Orochimaru's, but everyone quickly recovered enough to offer their own opinions on the subject: All at once.
"Wait." Shikamaru interrupted, holding up a hand to cease the incessant arguing that had erupted over the protection of the Sound 5's kunoichi member. Both skinny eyebrows moved opposite each other in confusion as the Chuunin nearly chuckled after sorting the chaos out.
"You mean, you guys have been giving me venomous glances all evening- because you thought I was some sort of lecherous pervert, intent on taking Tayuya out and-"
"Think, Nara-teme. Think. We still think you are one, but we're giving you this warning now." Kidoumaru butted in, shaking his head angrily. At his side, Sakon withdrew a small, palm-sized object which appeared to be a makeup compact, with a small cake of powder and a tiny brush transfixed to the case's side. The boy placed this in his lap, nearly concealing it from view with the broad sleeves of his blue robe.
"We're going to dust her for fingerprints when she gets back." Ukon said, straining to see around his brother's head.
"-And check her for bruises, tooth marks, lipstick, and/or hickeys." Jiroubo listed, still glaring impassively at the Nara boy.
Glancing warily at the various Sound nin, Shikamaru couldn't help but find himself coughing to restrain the laughter that wanted to come up.
"Yo-you guys are worse than parents!" he finally choked out, before covering his mouth with one hand to conceal the smile spreading over his skinny lips.
Sakon winked at his brother, and the two engaged in a mild sniggering fit over the fun interrogating Tayuya's suitors evoked. It had been the same way with that one Mist-nin who'd wanted to take her out: Tayuya's Body Guard Squad had sent him screaming and crying all the way back to Kirigakure. And that one creep from the Grass who'd took her out to a parking lot in his fancy shmancy car? They'd broken open the windows, dragged Tayuya out of his arms through the driver's side door, maced the guy, and sent his car careening down a hill and into a duck pond. And torn the little Jaguar off of the hood thing. Just for spite.
"You'd be surprised how much we know about you, Nara Shikamaru." Kabuto lamented, rolling his eyes once more and smiling as he plunked his chin into his hand.
"We ran a background check on you from your Academy days!" Ukon grinned, before firmly smacking heads with Sakon and incurring a laughing fit for doing so from his twin.
Shikamaru immediately ceased to smile, instead letting his arms loll out to his sides and eyes focus on the chuckling Otonin whom he'd fought as political enemies but a few years ago.
"When Tayuya's journal turned up an entry about you, Orochimaru-sama sent Kabuto and Kidoumaru to break into your house. They raided your home, and went through your room and stuff. Than, they stole your ninja files from Konohagakure's record storage, and we Googled your name, just to see if it turned up anything. They took hair samples from your comb, got your fingerprints from a wall, and even tested the spit on your toothbrush."
"And we stole a pair of your underwear from the top drawer!"
"As a trophy!"
"God." was all the lazy genius could think to blurt out, before reaching up to lazy scrub at the stubbly beginnings of a beard on his chin.
"Tayuya always talks about you guys like you hate her."
At this, all of the male Otonin proceeded to glance at each other, smiling with an almost inhuman ease, as though they all knew something that he didn't.
"No. TAYUYA is the one who hates us." Ukon commented, procuring small nods from the amused population of the room.
"Because you're worse than fathers who own Eagle rifles, and happen to be allowing their teenage daughter on her first date?"
"Exactly." Kimimaro said, flicking his wrist in accentuation of his words.
The room seemed to explode to life as the wooden door to their left burst open, revealing the slender, full form of Otogakure's genjutsu specialist, clad in a rather, rather short miniskirt, and a shirt that revealed a little too much of what her Mother gave her, at least in her teammate's opinions.
"Hey! Are you guys fillin' his brain with shit? You better not be!" Tayuya rasped, narrowing her jack-o'-lantern colored eyes and stabbing purple-painted fingers at them accusingly.
Faking demurity, all of the Sound nin gazed innocently at each other, as though asking with their eyes how they could ever do such a thing to dear little Tayuya's date, because they made such a cute couple. Why, to look at them, you'd think they'd never tortured that one player from Sunagakure who Sakon had caught trying to look down Tayuya's shirt.
"Alright." Orochimaru announced, bouncing to his feet and clapping loudly, to gather the attention of his followers.
"Me and The Boys are going to- going to.. Go do something. You two have a good time, and don't let Shika-Kun stick you with the bill, okay, Tayuya?"
"Why don't you shut up, you old Fudpucker? I can handle myself just fine without Tweedledee and Tweedledum-er breathing down my damn neck every single second." the red-head sassed, before twirling angrily and dragging Shikamaru into the hall and towards the exit. She'd been planning this date for two months, and she wasn't about to let her idiotic teammates scare Shikamaru out of it. The sooner they got away from that underground prison, the better, she figured.
Once they heard the entrance to the fortress SLAM with Angry-Tayuya-Force, seven heads popped, one atop the other, like a Sound-nin totem pole, to gaze down the hallway and check if the coast was clear.
"They gone?" Sakon hissed through his thin lips, Ukon grunting to see over his brother's wispy head of sky-blue hair. Above them, Kidoumaru was practically seated atop Jirobou's back, who was being pushed into the ground by Orochimaru, who felt he was entitled to the best vantage point, being their leader and all.
Kabuto nodded, light glaring from the round lenses of his spectacles, Kimimaro wincing as the medic's chin ground into the top of his skull.
"Yeah. Alright. Kidoumaru, get the costumes." he whispered, as the four-armed teenager exited the pile of limbs to search for the box they'd prematurely placed behind one of the couches.
Sakon and Ukon scuttled over, and helped the spider-nin drag the ripped, duct-taped and water-spotted cardboard box from it's hiding place, before gleefully digging through the masses of it's odd contents.
Leering, Orochimaru stuck a hand passed his twin minions, and withdrew a bleach-blonde wig of false hair that hung well to his hips, whilst Jiroubo sat against the wall and began tucking his head into a striped Jamaican cap, complete with tasseled dreadlocks sewn into the lining of the headdress.
The box was filled with well-worn costumes, collected over the years from trick-or-treaters who dared stray close enough to the fortress to be captured, and from Kabuto's first brilliant suggestion for making sure that everything on their girl's date went according to plan.
"I'll bet he won't expect us all to be following them in costume!" Ukon cackled, trying to wrestle the tin of purple eye-shadow from his brother's hands.
With a shake of his head, the plastic old man mask that now covered Kidoumaru's face rumbled as the Sound nin growled, and slapped a Yankees cap over his head of false, white hair.
"Of course not. You know anyone who'd date Tayuya would have to be as dumb as hell."
A/N: Oh, please don't kill me. I know the ending sucked, but it was all I could think of. Interrogation. -snort-