The Only Thing I Know

It had been a long day and it was only lunch time. Charlie Buckton was supposed to be enjoying a couple of days off work but genuinely enjoying anything these days felt like an impossibility. She'd gone to visit her father in order to get away from her life but she should have known that it wasn't the answer. Being faced with the brokenness of a man she had once admired so much had only made things worse and when she hadn't been dealing with that, all she had been able to think about was Joey Collins, the one person she had been trying to get away from. It felt like everywhere Charlie turned, there was Joey. When she woke up, she thought of Joey and the way, during their brief time of living together, she would be so perky, no matter how early it was, every single morning and had never objected to Charlie being so abrupt and grumpy until she'd had a shot of caffeine. When she went for her morning run, her mind would inadvertently toy with images of Joey joining her and all the fun they had racing each other across the sand and back home again. And when she went to bed at night, she recalled all the evenings they stayed up talking and thought of how cute Joey looked when she got sleepy but tried to pretend she wasn't. And the dreams she had about her these days were getting out of control. Charlie was astounded by how much a part of her life Joey had become so quickly. They had just melted into each other's lives and now it felt like Charlie couldn't breathe without her. Since she'd returned from seeing her Dad, Charlie had broken Joey's heart for what felt like the hundredth time and now they had gone an excruciating number of days without a proper conversation. Charlie had seen her around and had felt her heart start beating faster than was medically safe but they hadn't spoken. Their contact now was limited to lingering looks, meaningful memories and a painful suspicion that Charlie had just made the biggest mistake of her life. Not that she was a stranger to making mistakes of course. There was Roman. And Angelo. She didn't even want to go into any more than that. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, shifting her position from where she was sitting on the beach. Her legs were losing feeling from being perched in the same position for so long. She seemed to get lost in daydreams too much these days and she wasn't sure if she was even unhappy about it. Thinking about Joey brought a smile to her face that she hardly recognised but alongside the smile, it brought tears and turmoil. It made her want to flee again but the problem was that she couldn't run away from herself.

Joey Collins was in as good a mood as she could manage. Her life had felt like a rollercoaster over the last month and she suspected the ride wasn't over yet. She'd been attacked, nearly been killed, fallen in love, had her emotions toyed with, been kissed by the woman of her dreams, finally been rejected and yet still lived in hope that the woman in question would one day turn around, realise her mistake and sweep her off her feet. Unfortunately, said woman – Charlie - had been given ample opportunity to change her mind and so far refused. They had gone from enjoying races, boat trips, hand holding and kissing, to not being able to go near each other. Now they just made each other cry and Joey hated herself for it. She never wanted to be responsible for hurting Charlie, or for letting Charlie hurt herself. All she wanted to do in life was make her happy. But just by existing she made her miserable and she wasn't exactly sure what to do about it. She finished dressing, checked her appearance in the mirror and smiled. She looked quite funky in shorts, a fitted black vest and her beloved beanie with her hair loose around her shoulders. She was heading to the Diner. She had someone to see.

Charlie stood up and stretched her legs. She was hungry, moody and convinced that she would find the solution to her problems in the bottom of a coffee cup. A nice quiet lunch would do her some good. Also, she knew that Joey often showed up there at lunch time. She didn't know why she put herself through it so regularly but she did. Even though she couldn't be with Joey, sometimes just getting a glimpse of her across the room was enough to get her through the day. If Charlie had her way, Joey would have continued living in the house and stayed close but Joey had insisted that it would have been too awkward and painful. Charlie knew where she was coming from but found it hard to accept. In her rose-tinted world, the two of them could continue to be the best of friends without crossing the line. They could live in denial and pretend that they hadn't almost kissed on the boat, that they hadn't actually kissed in Joey's hotel room and that every time they touched, even by accident, it didn't drive them both crazy and set their bodies on fire. Charlie shook her head so quickly as she walked that she made herself dizzy. There was no way that she could allow herself to think about the kiss, or about the incident on the boat. She stopped walking and closed her eyes. The moment they'd shared on the boat was the first time that Charlie had not been able to deny it to herself any longer. She was attracted to Joey. She had feelings for her that she didn't know how to handle. They had nearly kissed that day. They'd been dancing when the music became slower and the mood became electric. Between the shy glances and blushes on both their parts, Charlie had known full well, by the time Joey had reached out to take her hand, exactly what was coming next, and she hadn't pulled away, not then. She had wanted it. She had needed it. She had practically initiated it. The gap between them closed and Charlie clearly remembered holding Joey's hands in her own, stroking her fingers and longing for the distance between their mouths to disappear. There had been nothing dirty or wrong in that moment. But before they had reached it, Charlie had panicked and fled. They'd kissed since then. Joey had almost died. Charlie had rescued her but Joey was preparing to leave town anyway and the idea of losing her had been too much. Unable to express the love that she felt, unable to control the feelings inside her that were bursting to get out, she had kissed her. And then she had panicked and run away from her feelings. She always panicked. She always ran. And now, here they were, apart and alone. Charlie opened her eyes, slightly embarrassed to have emotionally evaporated on the middle of the beach. She opened her eyes and began walking again, her stomach growling.

Joey stopped short as soon as she entered the Diner. The unmistakable form of Charlie Buckton was standing at the counter ordering food from Colleen. Just the sight of her made Joey's heart leap into her throat. She was in shorts, showing off long, tanned legs and her wavy hair cascaded down her back. Joey watched from the doorway, chewing her lip. Charlie was talking, nodding her head slightly. She looked happy. She couldn't help but feel a pang of grief that Charlie was happy without her. Why couldn't she realise that they were meant to be together? Joey shook her head slightly. They were meant to be moving on. She wanted Charlie to be happy. As soon as the court case was over, Joey was going to get a job on a boat and sail out of Summer Bay forever. She was going to leave all of this behind – Robbo, Brett, Charlie – everything. Leaving Charlie would devastate her but staying and not being with her, not even being her friend would devastate her more. And she knew that it would only be a matter of time before Charlie started dating someone else, probably Hugo, and Joey definitely didn't want to witness that. She was surprised it hadn't happened already. She didn't understand why the whole of Summer Bay wasn't in love with Charlie Buckton. Before Joey could duck out of sight, Charlie turned around and abruptly stopped when she clapped eyes on her. Her body tensed and she looked wildly around, wondering what to do and where to go. She looked back at Charlie who was maintaining intense eye contact. Involuntarily, Joey found herself stepping forward. Her heart was pounding too hard in her chest as she gazed into Charlie's eyes. She looked down at her mouth and then back into her eyes again.

"Hi," she managed.

"Hi," Charlie replied.

The police officer chewed her lip. She watched Joey's beautiful face intently, happy, despite herself, that she had approached her. So far they had been avoiding each other. It felt good to be standing here again – good but overwhelming.

"How are you?" Joey asked.

She tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear.

Charlie nodded.

"I'm fine. And… and you?"

"Fine," Joey said, nodding also.

Charlie glanced around, suddenly becoming aware of the lunch plate she was holding. Joey looked down at it and then back at Charlie's face, stopping briefly to gaze longingly at her body, hoping Charlie wouldn't notice. She dreamed of holding her, of being held by her again. Charlie always made her feel so safe, safer than she had ever felt in her entire life. Nobody had ever protected her, cared for her, loved her, even platonically, the way she had. Joey missed it, missed her, terribly.

"Um… would you like to…?" Charlie began.

"Joey!" called a voice.

Charlie looked up sharply and Joey spun round, flushing when she saw Izzy right behind her, waving. Before Joey could stop her, the blonde girl she'd met the day before had marched up to her cheerfully and planted a kiss on her lips. Joey didn't need to turn round to feel Charlie's gaze burning into hers. She blanched and felt Izzy slip her arm around her waist. She was beaming and extended her other hand to shake Charlie's. Joey cast a glance at her. Her expression was less than friendly.

"Hi, I'm Izzy."

Charlie shifted her lunch plate into her left hand and lifted her right to shake Izzy's as if she were on autopilot. Tears burned in her eyes. She clenched her jaw. There was no way that Joey or this Izzy girl was going to see her cry.

"Charlie," she said coldly.

"Would you like to join us for lunch?" Izzy asked, oblivious to the tension.

Charlie looked at her plate, shook her head and shoved it onto a table. Suddenly she wasn't very hungry.

"No, I've got to um… I have to…"

Without another word, she hurried past the couple. Stricken, Joey floundered, uncertain of what to do but knowing she couldn't let Charlie run off so upset. She called her name and hurried after her, catching up in the doorway. Charlie was reluctant to turn around so Joey touched her arm. Charlie snapped her head up, glaring at Joey.

"It's nice to see just how 'fine' you are," she snapped, before breaking contact and storming away.

Charlie fiercely brushed the tears away as she rushed away from the Diner. All thoughts of food and coffee were forgotten. As usual, all that filled her head was Joey Collins – Joey Collins and some blonde with big boobs, overt gestures and a clueless personality. How dare Joey move on and be with some other woman when all Charlie had been able to do was pine away for her lost love? How dare Joey be off kissing someone else when all Charlie had been able to manage was lying in bed replaying those few incredible seconds when their lips had been pressed together in perfect bliss? In those moments, nothing else had existed, nothing else had mattered. She bowed her head and kept walking, keeping her steps heavy and hard, angry on the ground when she heard Joey's voice calling her name. She didn't want to talk to her. She was terrified of what she'd say.

Joey was out of breath by the time she reached Charlie. She reached out for her arm, finally succeeded in making contact and spun her round. She was surprised to find the police officer's eyes were red rimmed. Her jaw was set. She was furious.

"What?" she demanded.

Joey was speechless.

"What?" Charlie said again.

"I…"

"Well? You chased me all the way out here! What do you want from me?"

There were so many things that Joey wanted from Charlie but Charlie wasn't prepared to give them. Right now, she just didn't want Charlie to be upset. But she didn't know how to make that happen.

"I didn't mean to upset you," she finally said, digging her hands into her pockets

"I'm not upset. Enjoy your lunch," Charlie snapped bitterly.

She started to walk again, folding her arms across her chest. She shouldn't have reacted. She shouldn't have shown Joey that she was so horribly heartbroken. It wasn't like her to let her feelings display themselves. But then, what about her relationship with Joey had been like her normal behaviour? Joey had turned her life upside down. Everything she thought she knew about herself was in disarray.

"Charlie, talk to me!" Joey pleaded, following her.

"About what?" Charlie asked, stopping again, whirling around angrily. "About how stupid I feel?"

"Stupid?"

"All this time I've been feeling so guilty, like I've been hurting you so much and you're the one who's been playing games with me! One minute, you're declaring that you're in love with me and the next you're with someone else. And here I am… here I am…"

"Here you are what?" Joey urged.

"It doesn't matter," Charlie sighed.

"I still love you," Joey said quietly.

Charlie laughed and shook her head.

"And you obviously still love me."

Charlie raised her index finger, warning Joey away, pushing past her in an attempt to continue walking.

"Don't start that again, Joey. I'm not going to keep talking about this."

"Otherwise you wouldn't be so jealous," Joey called from behind her.

Charlie stopped walking and spun around, staring at Joey and wondering when she'd got so bold. Probably after the near kiss on the boat, she thought to herself. It was from that day that Joey stopped letting her get away with anything. That was how they ended up so deeply in this situation. If it had been up to Charlie, she would have been happy to keep on denying everything and enjoying the thrills that Joey sent through her by merely being in the same room. It was Joey who made them talk about it, made them admit it. Charlie would have happily remained quiet and pretended it wasn't real. Once upon a time Joey could have kissed her on the cheek and it would have given her material for happy dreams. Two weeks ago she had tried to and Charlie had been forced to ask her to stop, knowing that if she'd felt Joey's lips on her skin she wouldn't be able to stop herself turning it into more.

"Jealous?" Charlie demanded.

"Yes, jealous," Joey replied boldly, raising her eyebrows.

She refused to let this lie. She hadn't planned for Charlie to see her with Izzy but now that she had and she'd provided this reaction, at least it had given her something to work with. If Charlie didn't want her to be with another girl then it meant one of two things. Either she was one of those women who didn't want the toy but didn't want anyone else to play with it, or she really did want Joey after all but it was going to take something like this to make her realise it. Joey's heart fluttered at the thought of Charlie coming round to the idea of them being together. Charlie laughed disbelievingly, as if the idea was absurd.

"I'm not jealous."

Joey smiled.

"Okay," she said, shrugging. "I obviously read it wrong."

"Yes, you did," Charlie said coldly.

"I'll just head back inside."

Joey turned and took a few steps away from Charlie, who watched her go. Charlie blinked a few times, watching Joey's retreating back. She didn't want Joey to return to the Diner, to go back to that girl. Who was she anyway? Where did she come from? Whoever she was, she wasn't good enough for her. Before she knew what she was doing, Charlie was following. She touched Joey's arm and spun her round in much the same way as Joey had done to her a few minutes before.

"How dare you say that I'm jealous?" she demanded.

Joey shrugged.

"Sorry, I just thought…"

"Well, you thought wrong," Charlie said.

"And I'm sorry. Can I get back to my lunch now?"

Charlie felt the sting of tears threaten to spill down her cheeks at the thought of Joey preferring to spend her time with the blonde girl over her. There had been a time when Joey would have been desperate to spend any moment she could with her. They had been addicted to each other's company. She nodded and looked down at her shoes, gritting her teeth and pleading with herself to gain control of her emotions. She felt Joey's eyes lingering on her and felt her cheeks burn red. She looked up and met Joey's gaze. She returned her smile, the smile that was always so sweet. Suddenly unable to hold her own weight, Charlie gratefully noted the wall beside her and turned to leaned her back against it. Maybe things were easier when she and Joey were just casting glances at each other in passing. This had been too intense.

"I really don't want there to be any awkwardness between us, Charlie. You mean too much to me," Joey said gently.

Charlie smiled again and accepted when Joey reached out to hug her. Her physical response was instant. She didn't know whether she ought to let go immediately or cling on for dear life but she was inclined to do the latter. The feel of Joey in her arms was almost too much to take. She fit so perfectly, tucked into her shoulder, their bodies pressed tightly together, their hands slipping round each other. Charlie closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. Joey pulled back slightly, letting their foreheads rest together. Her lips were so near, close enough to kiss.

"I'm glad we can do this," Joey whispered.

Charlie could feel her breath on her face.

"Be so close without you wanting to kiss me, without the feeling that you and I are meant to be together overpowering either of us until we can't even breathe. I'm glad we can choose to ignore how we feel."

Charlie stared at Joey's lips as she spoke. They remained close.

"Except we can't," Joey said.

She broke contact and began to walk away and Charlie felt like all her energy had been stolen. She sank back against the wall. She watched Joey leave and pictured Izzy with her hands and her lips all over Joey, her Joey. She stood suddenly.

"Joey!" she yelled.

Joey turned but didn't advance.

"I can't," Charlie said.

"You can't what?" Joey asked, not moving.

"I can't keep lying. And I can't live without you," Charlie ventured.

She wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say or how she was going to say it and hated to think of it coming out jumbled but it was now or never. Joey looked at her quizzically and took a couple of steps towards her.

"I can't do this. I can't… I can't not have you near me. I can't see you around town with other women, women that aren't me."

Joey continued walking towards her until she was close again. She stared at Charlie, not quite ready to believe that she might actually be ready to tell her everything she so desperately wanted to hear. Charlie reached out for Joey's hands, clasping them with her own and holding them as if they were the most precious things in the world. Joey's skin tingled at her touch, like they had every time before. She wondered if Charlie realised the depth of the effect she had on her.

"I'm not saying any of this will be easy. It's going to be hard… I have no idea what to expect or, or what people's reactions are going to be… I don't know what it means for my life, for my identity, for how I feel about myself but I do know that I love you, Joey. I'm in love with you. Sometimes I feel like that's the only thing I do know."

Charlie looked earnestly into Joey's face. She had been so quiet. Normally she had so much to say for herself but now Joey was just gazing at her, smiling. Charlie's hands slipped up to Joey's shoulders and Joey's slipped round Charlie's waist as her lips moved closer to kiss her. The kiss lasted longer than their first one, fuelled by the emotion of everything they had been through since they met. Pent up passion urged Joey on as she pressed Charlie gently back against the wall. Her hands developed a mind of their own, wandering aimlessly, desperately happy to be allowed to claim Charlie as her own. It felt like all her dreams were finally coming true. She nudged Charlie's lips apart, tenderly allowing their tongues to entwine before pulling back momentarily and looking into Charlie's eyes.

"And you still love me too?" Charlie asked, sounding a little nervous.

Joey chuckled and stroked Charlie's face.

"I'll always love you, Charlie," she said. "I was trying to do the right thing by walking away. I thought if I made it look like I was getting over you then it would make things easier on both of us. I got it wrong. Obviously."

She looked down, embarrassed but pleased that even if she had made some mistakes, at least they had brought them together. Charlie grinned and welcomed Joey's lips again. The soft pressure was fast becoming familiar and she liked it. She liked the way she tasted, the way she felt and the way Joey's touch made her heart do cartwheels. She was falling in love with everything about her and, wrapped up in the moment she couldn't find a thought coherent enough to remember what she had been so worried about in the first place. Surely something this special, this tender and this loving could never be wrong?