Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, I just like to dress them up and make them do what I say. Most things I write will contain the gay. If you are afraid of the gay then get yourself far away from me. I like the gay ... it stays. Sometimes it stays and wraps itself around me to keep me warm at night. I hope you enjoy and I hope you review; I'm just needy like that.

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I hadn't even realised I was crying. My senses were overwhelmed by the gushing and iron smell of the blood pouring from her shoulder. You might think that's strange, that after all these years, a GSW would affect me so strongly; had I been thinking, I would have thought so too.

When they took her away Elliot and I followed but I don't remember the journey. What I remember so well is arriving at the hospital and getting the news. The doctor was just so professional and sympathetic that I couldn't believe she was saying what I was hearing. Elliot was distraught. And I... I think I just lost my way, right in that moment.

Elliot dropped me off over an hour ago. I don't think I've moved since I got in the door and sat down. The wooden kitchen chair is uncomfortable and my clothes are still covered in her blood.

Her blood.
I'm sorry, she didn't make it.
Liv, are you ok?

Last time I moved my hand I started crying again. My head is pounding, my eyes are sore. I haven't even turned on the lights. All I can see are the city lights outside the window. I feel like if I move, it's all real. I just want time to stop, now.

I didn't feel this way when my mother died. I remember wondering if I was a terrible person for not being more upset. I don't know if this confirms my badness, or absolves it.

God, Alex.

WHY?

Christ, I think I actually screamed that. Sorry, I need to get a grip.

Nothing to do but get cleaned up, changed, try and sleep.

I'm still not moving. Breathing seems to be a chore now, and my head is throbbing from the crying. My eyelids are heavy on my aching eyes, so I might just close my eyes for a few minutes, with my head on the table.

Fuck. I fell asleep. I dreamed too. Here I go again. What is wrong with me? I can't stop crying.

I dreamed of Alex. We were at work, and I was yelling at her. I thought she didn't know what she was doing and she was so stubborn, or was she strong? I just can't believe she won't be there tomorrow.

Ok. This is just stupid. We weren't even that close. Not that I have really close friends, but still. I have no right to be such a baby about this.

I'm getting up. It's depressingly easy once I do it.

I turn on the shower to warm up and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look awful. I strip off my clothes and chuck them into the basket. I reach in and cover them with some other dirty clothes. Clothes that won't remind me if I happen to glance in that direction.

Stepping into the shower, I close my eyes and pretend the water can wash today away.