How it Feels
Yeul watched Caius from their little makeshift campsite outside of the great city of Academia. He stood on a small hill staring towards the city as if he were waiting for someone. Yeul hugged her knees closer to her chest and glanced up at the orange colored evening sky.
The fading light of day reminded her of herself. The setting sun was just like her dying life. Beautiful, bright but gone in an instant.
As much as she wanted to say it didn't bother her and that she had willingly accepted her fate, a part of her dreaded and hated her short life. Hated the Goddess for giving her the eyes of Etro slowly poisoning her young life with each vision.
A sudden noise broke her thoughts as a few pieces of thick wood hit the ground in front of her making her jump. She looked up to see Caius making a fire. The sun had set and now glistening stars had already begun to dot the sky.
She stared at her loyal guardian for a moment drifting back into her thoughts. She knew he despised the idea of her dying young. Having to watch that unending fate over and over again.
It pained her heart knowing how much her passing hurt him and how much he wanted to put a stop to the never ending cycle. He never spoke of these wishes in fear of burdening her even more, but she could still sense them. Even though Caius was not an easy person for most people to read, she had learned to decipher the emotions he hid behind his violet eyes. He suddenly felt her stare and looked up at her.
"Yeul, is something the matter?" he questioned in his deep and serious voice as she looked away.
"No…I was just..lost in thought," Yeul responded resting her chin on her knees.
"I see," he replied simply as the fire quickly blazed up hungrily taking over the small logs. He gently rubbed his hand over her head as he walked passed her returning to his lookout a short distance from her.
Her mind wondered again to the week before when he had taken her inside the city now sitting majestically in the distance. He had business to discuss with some woman named Alyssa. What kind of business remained a mystery to her. It hadn't been revealed in her visions yet anyway.
While he was gone she had explored a short ways down the main street of the city curiously taking everything in. A man and a woman sitting on a bench suddenly caught her eye. They were smiling and talking happily. The man had his arm draped around the woman's shoulders saying something in her ear that made her cheeks redden, and then it happened. There lips pressed together and a lonely pain stabbed Yeul's heart.
This was some sort of happiness she knew she could never know. She would not live pass the age of fifteen. Experiencing the joys of being a woman would never be hers. She would never love or have children or be…kissed.
A small tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away when she heard Caius' voice a short distance behind her.
"Come Yeul. We are done here," he spoke apparently not noticing her distress as she turned around and quietly followed him.
Yeul sighed staring at the campfire withdrawing from the memory. She suddenly pressed her lips against her forearm trying to imagine what it would be like if another person were on the other side.
She gazed out into the darkness in the direction Caius had gone. It was pitch black in exception to the ring of light the glowing campfire made and the pale lights of Academia far into the distance.
She wondered if he would ever allow her to share such an intimate act with him. Her cheeks turned the color of roses and a strange fluttery feeling filled her stomach at the thought of it. She shook her head.
"…nonsense," she muttered resting her head against her knees hiding her face. She suddenly rose again staring into the orange flames. She could always ask him. Most of the time he would grant her requests. He had even let her stroke his hair and put flowers in it one time, so why not this?
She was tempted to walk out into the darkness and ask right then, but decided against it. It wasn't too often he was cross with her, but if she got lost or attacked by a monster she knew he would be.
She lay down on her side and closed her emerald eyes. Tomorrow she would ask.
Hours later light had begun to spread across the sky and stars faded. Yeul hadn't slept much that night. Her mind had been far too restless. She sat up and looked at the campfire that was now just a small pile of embers. She then scanned the horizon and found Caius. He moved towards her realizing she had awoken.
"You've woken earlier than usual. Trouble sleeping?" he questioned offering his hand and helping her to her feet. She stared at him nervously.
"I couldn't stop thinking," she replied in her quiet tone as he glanced at her suspiciously sensing her apprehension.
"Is something wrong?" he questioned an expression taking his face that he normally wore when she'd have a vision. An anxious expression wondering if this was the end.
"No…nothing like that. I was just wondering if…," Yeul spoke the tail end of her words turning into a mumble as a bit of red took her cheeks. Caius stood silently waiting for what she would say.
"If…," Yeul repeated slowly losing courage as her guardian's eyes narrowed at her hesitance.
"Never mind," she finally said her eyes down casting as Caius looked at her worriedly before deciding to let it go. He didn't want to force it out of her, and as long as she wasn't having a vision everything was fine.
"Come," he stated as they headed off back into the direction of Academia. Caius had told her a few days prior they would be returning to conclude the business he had with the woman, Alyssa.
Inside the city, Caius had left her again saying he wouldn't be long. Yeul sat quietly on a bench not daring to venture any further lest she see something else she can never have. She stared down at her pale hands folded neatly in her lap.
Why couldn't she ask him? What would it have hurt?
She sighed a bit depressed before another twenty minutes went by and Caius returned.
"We will stay in the city tonight," Caius said flatly as she stood and followed him to wherever he would lead her.
The evening had gone by slow as she struggled with her thoughts. Though it hadn't been all bad. He had taken her to eat at a restaurant saying she was probably tired of all the monsters he hunted for her. She was the only one to eat though. Being immortal, he no longer needed food or sleep. Another gift/curse from the Goddess.
He had once rarely expressed to her that after awhile of being immortal, he started to miss the small things he used to find a nuisance.
He watched her eat with his arms folded curious as to why every time she'd glance at him her face would redden. She had already been acting strange enough though out the day and a bit depressed since last week.
That night they went and checked into a nice hotel. After centuries of accumulating gil, he no longer worried about expenses if they visited a town.
Yeul dried the water out of her hair from her bath and put her clothes back on before exiting the bathroom. The hotel room they had was quite nice with lovely furniture and a large window overlooking a great view of Academia which was especially beautiful at night.
Yeul got into her bed and turned off the lamp before pulling the covers tightly around her face. She could see her guardian's silhouette at the window gazing down into the city. His large sword rested against the wall a short distance from him.
She hadn't spoken much that evening and she could tell it worried him. He had been worried about her since her attitude changed abruptly the week before. She hated causing him such stress especially with her impending fate weighing heavily in his heart.
She silently rose from the bed. Her bare feet silent as she neared him. Immediately noticing her presence he turned to her. The light of the city vaguely revealing his face.
"Caius…" she muttered weakly trying to build courage as she fumbled with her hands in the darkness.
"Yeul, what's the matter?" he asked surprised to see her up.
"I…I've been wanting to ask you something…for a while now," Yeul began feeling her heart squeeze in anxiety.
Caius stared at her seriously as Yeul bit her lip in a small pause before continuing.
"I want to know what…it feels like," the seeress said her voice beginning to quiver as unwanted tears welled up. Caius sensing her distress kneeled down in front of her and grasped her shoulders.
"What what feels like?" Caius questioned painfully watching the tears stream out of her emerald eyes.
"I want to know…what it feels like to be a woman…," Yeul muttered as a fresh sob escaped her. She could no longer restrain her tears. Caius was silent still gently gripping her shoulders. She could tell his eyes had fallen from her somewhat.
"P-please show me…just once…please?" Yeul pleaded as Caius let his arms fall from her.
"I cannot…," he responded quietly. He hated to refuse her anything since her life was so short, but this he could not do. Her innocence was something he cherished in her. He could not do anything to remotely tarnish it.
"Why?" she asked weakly as her tears gained renewed strength. He couldn't bring his eyes to hers.
"You are too young, Yeul. It would not be right of me," he responded as she scowled and shook her head surprising him with her anger.
"It will never be right! I will die before it is…I-I am fourteen…next year..I…" Yeul sobbed before Caius interrupted her grabbing her shoulders once again and giving her a gentle shake.
"Don't say it. I don't want to hear it," Caius whispered pushing the thought of a world without her from his mind. Of course he had known many Yeuls by this point, but still every one of them was different.
"…forgive me…just please…," Yeul stammered her face pink and puffy from tears as she brought her hand up to his resting on her shoulder.
"…please just kiss me…," Yeul pleadingly requested as Caius lowered his head to stare at the floor purple strands of his hair falling in front of his face. It was silent for a moment in exception to Yeul's silent sniveling. He sighed deeply before responding.
"…alright…just this once…and only this," Caius said softly keeping his head lowered for a minute more before bringing his eyes back to hers. Violet to emerald. He gently wiped the tears from her face and he could feel her tremble beneath his fingers.
A pang of guilt stabbed his gut as he stroked her reddened cheek. She is so young and plagued to die so. Still kneeling before her he brought his mouth to hers and gently pressed their lips together. Her body trembled nervously as she moved her mouth curiously against his. He laced an arm around her back and drew her closer deepening the kiss.
Her face radiated warmth and her hands clutched at his chest. He pulled back when a small cry sang from her throat. He knew he was causing her to feel things she shouldn't and decided to quickly end it.
She lay her head against his chest breathing deeply with her eyes heavy laden. He kept his arms wrapped around her and gently pressed his lips to the top of her head. A lone tear escaped his eye as he continued to hold her.
They only had about one more year before the visions took their final toll. He hated remembering that. He swore to himself as he laid the young seeress back on her bed now fast asleep that he would kill the Goddess for bringing such torment on them both.
End.