I'm running through the woods dodging bushes and branches, feeling the dirt beneath my bare feet. I look over my shoulder for a second trying to catch sight of the distant sounds behind me before I'm stopped by a large tree. Knocked to the ground, I fall uninjured and a bit confused before I realize the sounds turn into screams, unnatural screams. But I recognize them, almost as if..
Finnick. Boggs. Rue. It's their screams that are cutting through the air.
The screams of those who've spared their lives for me. The screams of those who are dead.
It's disgusting.
Howling cries of anger and pain. Hysterical laughter follows.
It takes all of my energy to get myself up from the dirt and grass. Gritting my teeth, I look back to see their eyes glowing, nails sprawled ready to kill.
It's too late.
They've got me in their jaws yipping, snapping, prying my limbs apart and just when they start to rip through my neck, before they tear through my flesh..
I wake.
Drenched in sweat, my lips dry. Trying to make out anything that could be lurking in the shadows of my room, I hear him.
"Hey.. It's okay. You're with me and we're safe."
Coaxing me back into his arms, he begins to stroke my hair and I relax.
How is it that Peeta is the only one that has such an effect on me? Why is it that when I feel his warmth, my fears melt away? Or when I surface from the pools of his blue eyes, that I'm no longer sinking down but floating back to reality?
There was a time when he wouldn't touch me, a time where his stare would pierce through me with fire, burning to the core of my existence.
No. I'm glad that time is over, and we're able to live in the here and now's. Rather than the what if's or the past.
I need him.
Burying my face into his chest, Peeta continues to stroke my hair and oh..
How its affect wears on me.
"My name is Katniss Everdeen.." I say aloud, still shaking the images of mutts from my sleepy mind.
"And you're awesome," Peeta says with a boyish smirk.
I can't help but crack a smile myself. He truly is charming, you know. Peeta. Always making me some sweet pastry, or leaving me fresh loaves from the oven. But to say I'm awesome? He knows how I feel about myself. Not in the way you might think, caring about my appearance, having my hair all done up. Hell, with my hair being mostly singed away what left was there to really care about? What I really care about though, is what I feel inside. Replaying how I've manipulated others into following me, into believing my words. I'm not what you call 'good.' Not once have I ever been able to follow instructions, though for good measure on most accounts. The worst of it all is how I toyed with the two most important guys in my life. Two people who I love and trust with my life, all because I was never strong enough to choose.
How did Gale put it.
"Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without.."
The words still sting. God it aches, still the flick of his words makes my chest tight.
I am that cold and I am that harsh, aren't I?
It doesn't really matter. I never thought of Gale as a mate, a lover.. Just my best friend. Sure he's attractive with the way his hair hangs in his eyes a bit, and his stature thick with years of hunting and working. Oh and I suppose the mines had an effect on him too.
I love him of course, there's no question there. But not in the way people would think.
My breathing is picking up, and I can't help but to notice my dry lips again.
Just circling through my mind isn't helping my current situation; Peeta comforting me, wanting to snuggle down with him and all.
"Hey. Where are you?" Pulling back a bit, I peer up.
"With you, goose. Where else would I be?"
"Well I saw you kinda drifting.. Looked like you were thinking too much. Penny for your thoughts?" he says, flipping a coin into the air letting it land in our covers.
My fingers fumble for it, then I begin to turn it over and over distracting myself from the questions I need answered.
Nope. Two seconds go by before I ask. "Peeta, why did you stay? With me I mean. There's nothing I have to offer now, no special quality. I'm quite drab really."
A bit shocked, Peeta sits up a bit more and cups my face with his hands.
"Why would you ever for a moment think that there's nothing special about you?" He says with his eyes locked to mine.
"You mean so much to me and we've been through a lot together. You brought me back, well you helped piece me back together. You saved me countless times. And don't you remember in the caves? Me telling you the story of how my father pointed you out, confessing his love for your mother?" Asking me silly questions now, I can't help but look away.
"Your voice silences everything that lives. With one song, not one creature would move because your voice is too beautiful. There are so many other beautiful things about you, the list goes on. And even if I made a list it wouldn't be enough. I need you Katniss. It's not a matter of me staying, because there'd be no where for me to go. Without you, who am I? A lonely baker with no hope. You ARE my hope. You are what I need in this life. And I couldn't imagine continuing on if I didn't have you."
He looks so worried now, I shouldn't have asked. I look down at the coin, still flipping it between my finger tips.
"I'm sorry I asked, I just.. I want to make sure that you're happy. With me. Because I know I'm a lot to handle and I just wanted to make sure that I'm what you want. I.. I don't know. I really shouldn't have asked."
Great. Now by the look he's giving me I can tell I've said the wrong thing.
Or maybe not?
"Katniss, I love you. And I'm not going away. If you want to leave I'll just follow. You're stuck with me," he says with a laugh, rolling over top of me so I'm positioned beneath him.
"Always.." he mumbles before leaning down, and starts kissing my lips. Then my neck.. And then..
This goes on for a bit, us kissing and groping each other. What started a sweet kiss, becomes a tender session of touches and moans. I'm not too sure what's going on or what I'm even feeling.
I feel.. hot.
I feel a flicker inside, welling up. Me wanting him more, this craving won't stop. It's.. Consuming me and I feel as though I'm a little too eager what's to happen next.
His hands running down my thighs then back up, moving under my shirt.
It tickles, and I giggle slightly at the feeling it leaves on my skin.
Wait.
He stopped.
The kissing has stopped?
Peeta rolls back onto his back, pulling me onto up him.
"I've never seen you naked," he says with a little glint in his eye.
I'm sure he's blushing too, though I can't tell from the darkness.
"Why does it matter if I'm naked? We're pretty much the same you know. I'm sure you can guess, right?" Nudging him, making him feel silly.
"I guess but, I've never seen a girl naked before so I don't really know. And to see you're body, for all that you are with nothing to hide, would be exciting and wonderful."
Seeming a bit giddy, I feel him underneath me.
Wait, is it him? I run my hand down to his boxers and realize he's flexing underneath.
"Why is this.. stiff?" I ask confused.
Peeta just laughs nervously. Am I missing something? Is he hiding something? Wait..
"Did your mom ever tell you about what happens if a girl and a guy are together?" he asks waiting patiently for a response from me.
Oh. It IS him. Guy body parts are clearly different than girl body parts.
"So.. This is you." I say biting my bottom lip, feeling above his boxers.
He nods with the biggest smile.
What a goof! We can't be having sex. I don't very much want children and I doubt he does either. I just wanted to be close to him. I just wanted to feel his body with mine.
"Peeta, we can't be intimate like this. There's so much risk behind it. Aren't you worried about children?"
He laughs light heartily, as if to brush the question off.
"No, not for one minute. Why would I be? The wars over, and we're staying together. Children is something we can think about now. And I'm not saying anytime soon because I want you to be okay with the idea. I want to make sure it's what you want."
He leans up, so that I now sit on his lap.
"I've never been with another girl, and I guess I wouldn't even know how to go about this. The urge to kiss and touch you was too strong for me to stop and then pop!" shooting only his index finger up.
"I was up. That doesn't mean I want to have sex, it just means I got.. excited," he says, slowing his words, giving me a small smile.
I can feel him get softer from beneath me now.
"I didn't mean to upset you," Peeta says, looking like a dog with its tail between its legs. His blue eyes big, smile falling a bit.
"Oh, you're fine. I've never been intimate with any one either. We're both in the same spot here. I don't think I want anything to happen quite yet, if that's okay? I just think it might, make things weird I suppose. Don't you think?"