letting you go
.~.
a/n: I cried so much during this movie. It was kind of pitiful...but I had to write this, because my emotions were going crazy. Hope you enjoy (: Anything you recognize is not mine.
.~.
"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
― J.R.R. Tolkien
The book lies on the floor, temporarily forgotten, it's pages ruffled open, colors prodding through. Sara's fingers trail down the side of the hospital bed, brushing the pages. A leftover tear slides down her cheek. She eyes a picture of her darling baby girl when she's about three, clinging to monkey bars at a park and smiling so big and bright. Another tears slips through her defenses. Sara would wipe it away, but she just doesn't have the energy anymore.
"Mamma?"
Katie's voice is not much more than a hoarse whisper, all that's left over from everything she's been through. Everything her own mother has put her through.
Sara turns immediately so that she's facing her daughter. "What, baby?" she asks tenderly, cupping Kate's cheek and stroking the pale skin gently with the pad of her thumb. "Did you need something?"
Kate shakes her head, the motion nearly imperceptible. "It hurts to breathe," she says after a long pause, her words faltering. "I know I'm not supposed to be scared, but Mamma..." The girl's eyes fill up with tears, and Sara pulls her tighter, wrapping her in a snug embrace. Quiet sobs fill the room.
"Shh, shh," Sara whispers, trying to keep her own tears from falling. It hurts so much to see her child on the brink of death, clearly in pain. "Don't let anyone try to tell you that you can't be scared. You can feel however you want. Just keep on fighting, baby." She goes to smooth back Kate's hair, remembering that once glossy brown hair is all gone, replaced by the shine of a bare scalp.
"Taylor said that he wasn't scared," Kate whimpers, finally allowing herself to break down. "I feel like he's up there watching me, and I wanted to show him that I wasn't scared either, that I could do this."
Sara flinches as her daughter mentions death as something to conquer. Forcing a smile, she mumbles, "Do you honestly think he was telling you the truth, Katie? Besides, even if he really was, which I doubt, he wouldn't be upset with you if you were scared. Try to remember how much he cared about you, okay?"
Kate nods feebly, tucking her chain into the groove of her mother's neck. Her fingers begin to shake, and she eyes their blue tips with a semi-conscious indifference. "I'm glad you're here with me."
"Where else would I be, hmm?" Sara asks, somewhat rhetorically. "Just keep on fighting, baby, one breath at a time. You can do it."
Kate's lips begin to quiver. The room feels like ice shards piercing her skin. For the last few weeks, even with an on and off fever, she hasn't been able to get warm. "No, mom," she murmers softly. "It's time for me to go." A little smile traces her mouth, peaceful. Her eyes begin to fall shut. "It's time for you to let me go."
Tears spill down Sara's cheeks. "Okay, honey. I'll try." She tries to keep her breathing steady, and fails. It feels like the world is crashing down around her. "But I'm gonna be here by your side until the end, alright? I'm not leaving."
Kate wraps her fingers around her mother's, her smile widening. "I love you."
"I love you too, Katie," Sara whispers. She listens to the sound of Kate's breathing for awhile, hears it even out as her daughter falls asleep. It's time for you to let me go, mom. Tears burn in her eyes. Time passes. Her legs begin to cramp, but she doesn't move, barely breathes, listening intently to every sound her darling girl makes.
One second, Kate is breathing. The next second, she isn't. Her blue tinged hand loosens in Sara's grasp. A silent cry rips itself from deep within Sara's being and she reaches out for the button to summon the nurse, then stops, hand hovering in midair. Not yet. Resting her head on top of Kate's, Sara stares into nothing, stroking her daughter's fingers and letting her tears fall free. Oh God, it hurts. Her chest hurts. Maybe this whole time, she was hoping for some kind of happy ending. But she didn't get one. She just got a real one.
She just lost her baby girl. Oh Katie.
I fought until the end. Now it's time to let go.