The Dog's Monologue
These damn fleas! They are so annoying… Yet they taste so good! I'm hiding from Lister and Rimmer again, they want me to take a flea… B A… thingy, well obviously at THAT word I fled through the ship, I feel a bit panicky now – I don't like been on my own, I'm not going to let them make me have a… Thingy – Next thing I know they will be chopping of my dog-hood to stop me humping the furniture! And that's something I really like doing… Until we get a female onboard though – Well I did try it on Lister once but she smacked me with a news paper till I ran away with my tail between my legs.
I found a ball the other day – It was a SPECIAL ball – it squeaked when you squeezed it! But Rimmer didn't like it and got Roberta that robot girl to throw it out an airlock.
I've been making loads of stuff mine while I've been hiding from the… water related thing, but I should probably stop, I think they are able to follow me because I make stuff mine by peeing up walls.
That new Kryten robot is really bossy, and treats me like I'm a moron or something, she wants me to have that… water thing too. But she does bring me nice juicy bones and takes me for walkies when the others are asleep.
I really don't like those two new kids, they are only like 5 days old and already they are 18 and demanding as hell! I mean that Bexley one actually said I should get some more clothes and take a breath mint! The… bossiness of him!
He is totally unreasonable, and him and his brother Jim think they are so smart just because they know their ABC's and can count to 100!
So what? If I run round really, REALLY fast – I can almost catch my own tail! Wait… why was I hiding again? I wanna hug! And someone to scratch me behind my ears… and my back… and to take me walkies again… Maybe we can play FETCH!
Oooh I smell something… Oh wait, that's me… Oh no, it is Lister – it's really hard to tell the difference! Ooooh shucks, I don't like those gloves she's wearing! What's she saying? I need my ears syringed again… Shower? I wonder what that is… Maybe it's like an actor guy who likes to show off a lot? Or is it a flasher like my uncle – Mr Fleas…