Authors Note: I was inspired to write this one shot story after I heard the song `I was here`. Cory left an incredible legacy behind. This was my way of honoring him.
Summery: One shot. The months following Finns death Rachel is learning to deal with his passing. Finchel/Monchele.
It was the phone call she was never thought she would get. At least not at the tender age of 20 years old. Her life had been turned upside down forever. She had just spoken to him the night before. She was suppose to pick him up from the airport later that today. They talked about how long he was going to stay in to New. York with her. He wanted to be there for her for opening night to see her in 'Funny Girl.' He was so proud of her for getting this role. He knew in his heart letting her go New. York was the right. He told her he loved her, he told her he wanted them to get married. She told him she loved him, and she had let him go for the better, but she too wanted them to get married. He was a part of her. She knew they were forever. She even put her engagement ring back on. They said their good-nights, and I love you's before they went to sleep. Little did she know that would be the last time she would ever hear his voice.
She held the phone on her ear. She was hoping the person on the other line was pulling a sick joke on her, or that she misheard incorrectly.
"Are you sure Carole there's nothing else they can do for him?" She managed to say. Her voice was starting to crumble.
"Yes I'm sure." She says. Her voice is also chocked up. "We're talking him off life support tomorrow. The doctor says there's nothing else they can do for him. He's brain dead."
"Opening night for 'Funny girl' is tomorrow. He was suppose to be there." Rachel say as She holding her tears back.
"I'm sorry honey. He was really excited to go see you. You were all he talked about last night." Carole says.
"We got reengaged. I gotta go, but I'll be in Lima tomorrow after the show. I want to see him one last time alone." Rachel forced herself to say.
"See you then." Carole says before she hangs up.
Rachel just stood there, motionless, numb, unable to think or speak. Slowly she felt her body sink to the floor where she started to feel the emptiness overcome her slowly. Her face quickly filled with tears. Her heart felt as if someone was sticking a needle through it. The pain of loss traveled through her body. The love of her life was gone forever. Never to return. All the plans they had made together were gone. Now all that's left was this pain to haunt her for the rest of her life. She laid there for hours crying, not a single movement. When ever she tried to get up the pain forced her to fall to the ground. She didn't eat, she didn't say anything else. She just laid there. Her eyes went blank. The life in her eyes was gone.
"Rachel, I heard. Carole just called me. I'm so sorry." Kurt says as he kneels down in front of her. His eyes too were red. He put a hand on her shoulder softly. His best friend and brother was gone.
"He was suppose to fly in today." Was all she could say.
"I know he texted to tell me." Kurt says.
Her head fell into Kurt's shoulder and cried like she had never cried before. She had never felt this pain. Not even when she and Finn had broken up in the past. This pain was something far more painful.
"Its gunna be okay." Kurt whispered to her. He himself started to cry.
"No its not. He's gone forever. We were planning on getting married after the final show for 'Funny Girl.'" Rachel sobbed. Kurt hugged her tighter.
They cried together until they fell sleep holding one another. The next morning she woke up to a sunny day. It was the opening night for 'Funny girl.' Yesterday she would have been nervous, and excited. Today she was reminded that her life was missing something.
She got up and looked in the mirror. "You can do this." Rachel whispered to herself. She walked out of the loft and headed to Broadway. Her feet felt as they had a hundred pounds on them. She forced each foot to move.
"I'm forever yours….faithfully." Began to play from a car she walked by. At that moment she was back at regional's singing with him. The look of love that came from his eyes as he sang to her.
'I love you' his voice echoed in her heart. She remembered the first time he said that to her. The day they sang this song together. It was regional's sophomore year. She knew at that moment she could never love anyone else the way she loved him.
'Forever yours' she thought tears began to fill her eyes.
As she walked into the theater. Her dreams were now at the touch of her fingers. This was what she had worked for her entire life, but it meant nothing without him. She went to the dressing room where she spent the evening running through with her choreography and vocals. She tried her best not to think about the pain that was killing her inside. In truth, she wanted to go home and cry. She knew Finn wouldn't want her to pass up this moment.
It was almost time for the show. She didn't want to go out there. Not without him there. She wanted to the smile on his face as she belted out her final note. She wanted to see the proud look on his face.
"Flowers for Miss. Rachel Berry." A man says as he knocks on her door.
"Yes come in." Rachel forces a smile. A man walked in holding a large bouquet of assorted roses. "They're beautiful. Thank you. Who are they from?"
"I don't know. I was told to give you the card." He says as he hands her a card. "Break a leg." the man says as he walks out of the room.
"Thank you." Rachel says.
When the man is gone Rachel looks down at the pink envelope. She opens it. She thinks the roses are from her dads, but she's wrong.
'Surprise!
I wanted to be the first to give you flowers on your opening night. Even though I could have waited till after the show to give them to you. I wanted to you to have my love with you before the show so that you know how special you are to me. I am so proud of you for have made it this far. You're my star and you always will be. I love you so much Rachel. Now and always. Don't forget to look for Finn Hudson. He's always with you.
Forever your future husband,
Finn
Rachel held her mouth as she read the card. Emotions ran through her wildly. She forced herself not to cry.
"Rachel its time." The producers says at her door.
"I'll be right out." Rachel says as she takes a deep breath. She quickly composes herself and walks out to meet the rest of the cast. They all have a quick pep talk before curtain goes up.
Rachel goes out and gives a performance of a lifetime. She knows no one from Ohio is there because they're all together. When she give a final bow, curtain goes down. Everyone is cheering happily. Except her. She doesn't feel like celebrating. She knows that she has to get back to her painful reality.
"Good job Rachel. That was amazing. I cant wait to see you perform tomorrow night. Shall we go celebrate?" The director says with a smile as he gives her a big hug.
"Actually there's something I need to talk to you about in private." Rachel says immediately.
"Is everything okay?" The director asks concerned.
"I just need to speak to you." Rachel says sadly.
"Of course. Lets speak in my office." The director says as he leads her to his office. "Now tell me what's going on Rachel?"
"I cant go on stage for the next few days." Rachel manages to get out. Her voice is trembling. She's trying to hold herself together for dear life.
"Why is that? I picked out against thousands. Do you have any idea what this can do for your career?" The directors starts to raise his voice.
"I understand that. Believe me I wish there was something else keeping me from going on tomorrow, but I cant." Rachel starts to sob. "My fiancé was hit by a car yesterday. My family is taking him off life support today."
"Rachel I am so sorry. I had no idea. I didn't even know you were engaged." The director says sympathetically.
"I have been for a while. I just kept in to myself." Rachel felt her tears hot. "I'm going to home right now to see him. I'm sorry to let you down. I wish circumstances were different."
"No, you didn't let me down. I understand. I'll postpone the show for the weekend. Go say your goodbyes."
"Thank you sir." Rachel says as her hand holds the door handle.
"I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a silver lining through all this." The director says.
"I doubt it, but thank you." Rachel says as she exits the office. She meets up with Kurt to take a flight home. She's nervous on the flight. A part of her doesn't want to believe he's gone. She keeps thinking it's a dream. She knows she's going to wake up, and he's going to be there.
When they reach the airport their greeted by their parents. Everything felt cold. This is her dream. A nightmare. She didn't want to speak, but forced words from her voice.
"I want to see him." Rachel says. it's the only sentence she's able to make. Her dads nodded. After a long drive to Lima, they stopped at hospital.
"Are you sure your ready for this?" Her father LeRoy asked his daughter.
"No, but I have to say goodbye." Rachel responds as she walks into the private room. He's hooked up to wires and tubes.
There's a nurse standing in the corner.
"Family only" the nurse say when she sees Rachel walk in.
"Dose Fiancée count?" Rachel asks.
"You must be Rachel. I was told to expect you. Come on in." The nurse says sadly.
"How?" Rachel asks in a swift tone. Her heart is pounding so hard she could hear it. She didn't look at Finn. She couldn't.
"A speeding car." She responds softly keeping her head down. "He was driving to the airport. A car was going so fast that he ran a stop light."
"Did he?" Rachel starts to ask.
"No, he didn't feel anything." The nurse says sadly. She touched Rachel's shoulder softly "I promise you we did everything we could to save him."
"I believe you." Rachel nods.
"I'll give you a moment alone to say goodbye." She says as she walks out of the room.
Rachel look up. She feels as if someone is punching her. She takes in a seat next to him. She takes him by the hand. Her tears start to fall from her face once again. Her moves his hair from his face softly. He looks like he's asleep.
"I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can I want you to know how much I love you. No matter what I do from today, you will always be my first true love, my soul mate, my best friend, my other half. I got your flowers earlier today. They were beautiful. Thank for making me feel like the most special woman in the world. I am the luckiest girl in the world for having you in my life. I will never forget you." Rachel sobs. He lays her head on his chest and cries more. "Please come back to me Finn. I cant go on without you."
She doesn't know how long she sobbed, but she didn't care. She needed her last moment with him.
"Rachel its time." Carole says as she puts her hand on her shoulder. Rachel forced herself to get up.
"Goodbye my love." Rachel says as he kisses Finn one last time.
Rachel walks into her fathers arms. The nurse turn off the machines. The room went quiet. A long beep is heard. Finn's chest stops moving. Rachel hides herself in her fathers arms. Her tears falling nonstop. Sobs of their loved ones become distant.
"Lets go Rachel. You don't need to see his lifeless body." Hiram says to his daughter as he holds her shoulder.
Rachel looked at Finn one last time before she left the room. When she returned home, she found herself in a place she had no been in for a while. Her room. She sat on her bed. She looked around estranged. This had been the room she had grown up, but nothing felt the same. She looked the pink music player. It reminded her when invited Finn over to sing the grease song. She couldn't help but smile. It was really the first time Finn had told her the reasons he liked her.
She remembered the countless time they had made love in that room.
She continued looked around she saw a sheer pink robe on her chair. She smiled as she felt herself turn red. She wore that robe to the hotel room senior prom night. She remembered the look on Finn's face as she came out of the bathroom and dropped it right in front of him. It was a look of pure love. A love she had never seen on his before. He walked close to her and whispered he loved her more than life itself. Then he made love to her countless times. She had felt closer to him than when their bodies intertwined. She knew that connection was gone forever. She laid herself in bed and cried. All she had left of him were memories.
The funeral was a daze. She didn't remember much of it. She remembered singing 'Without you' in front on her loved ones. She can barley recall the hugs, and condolences from her friends. She couldn't remember the speech she gave, nor can she remember what she put inside his coffin. The only thing she remembered was the white flower she put on his top coffin before his body was buried. She couldn't feel anymore. She knew the joy in her life was gone.
Three days later she returned to New. York. She attended classes in the morning before the show. She went to Ms. July's room for a dance rehearsal. She wanted to be alone. She became anxious around people. Her eyes were filled with tears as she danced.
"What are you doing in here?" Brody says behind her.
Rachel turned around startled. She quickly wipes her tears away.
"I'm just going over my choreography for tonight's performance. What are you doing her?" She asked.
"I like coming in here. Its quiet. it's a good place to think and dance." Brody says as he puts his bag down on the floor.
"I'll get out of your way." Rachel says as she gathers her things. Her head was filled with so many emotions she didn't want someone to bring them up.
"No don't go. I'll get out of your way." Brody says as he rolls his eyes. "You look like you need the quiet more than I do."
"Thank you." Rachel whispers.
"Rachel look I know were not together anymore, but you can talk to me. Did something happen with you and Finn. I see your wearing your engagement ring again?" Brody asked.
"No, Finn and I are fine. We were planning to get married after 'Funny Girl.'" Rachel forced herself to say.
"Were? I'm guessing things didn't work out to well?"
"Not they didn't work out, and not because of our relationship. He…he…um…he…died on Thursday night." Rachel says. Tears start to roll down her eyes. "I just got back from Ohio last night."
"Rachel I am so sorry I had no idea." Brody says as he tries hugs Rachel. She pushes his off her before his arms enfolded around her.
"Thank you, but I cant let you hug me. I'm barley keeping it together. If you me hug I'll start crying and it takes me a lot to stop." Rachel says as she gathers her things.
"You don't have to go through this alone." Brody says after her.
"Yes I do. Life goes on. Your life isn't going to change because of this. Finn didn't mean anything to you. He was my life. I'm not expecting everyone to stop going on about their lives because I lost my fiancé." Rachel snaps angrily. She walks out leaving Brody standing alone.
"Where do you think your going. Back to Broadway?" Ms. July asks Rachel as she blocks her in the hall.
"Getting some air." Rachel says as she pushes her emotions behind her.
"I got a call from your director." Ms. July says in her usual bitchy tone. Rachel was about to say something, but was cut off before she got a word out. "He told me about your fiancé. I'm sorry for your loss." Ms. July says in a soft tone. It was the first time she was sincere towards her.
"Thank you Ms. July." her voice is stiff.
"Look I've been pushing you since the day you showed up in my classroom. I've taught you to be tough against anything, but not this time. Cry, be sad. Don't hold it inside. Just don't stop fighting for this." Ms. July says as she hugs Rachel.
"I wont." Rachel says sadly.
"I can clearly see your not okay, but if you need someone to talk to. You are always welcome to come to me." Ms. July says as she rubs Rachel's arm.
"Thank you Ms. July. I appreciate that." Rachel says.
"What was he like?" Ms. July asks.
Rachel smiled softly. "He was incredible. He was Kind, caring, funny. He always put other people first before himself. He cared about other peoples feelings. When ever I was being a diva he dealt with me in a way no one else could. He made feel like a woman." Rachel says kindly.
"He sounds like an amazing guy." Ms. July says kindly.
"He was, he was so much more." Rachel says. "I should go. Thank you for this talk. I needed it." she says as she walks away. She touches her FINN necklace.
Rachel walked out into the busy streets of New. York. She looked into the sun in hopes to feel the warmth of the sun. Nothing, all she could feel was her heavy heart. She looked at a man crossing the street. He looked at her and smiled.
"Finn." Rachel whispered. Her hand reached towards the young man. She looked again to see it was only an illusion. She knew in her heart it was all over.
Days turned weeks, weeks turned into months. Everyday was a struggle for her to get out of bed. Someday she got up without crying. Other days she found herself crying herself to sleep or in the shower. She would just lay there and cry. Some days she wouldn't eat anything for a days. Kurt would have to force her to eat. She no longer looked at the Fake Tony in her room. She didn't have the desires to be on Broadway anymore. Not without him.
She held a picture of Finn closer to her. She would look for his face where ever she walked. Every corner she hopes he would be there. He looked into the night sky in hopes she would find him. All she saw were stars. She looked up at the clouds in search for a glimpse of him sitting on a cloud or see him smiling down at her.
On closing night for 'Funny girl" She looked out to the audience. For a moment she swore she saw him there smiling at her. She knew in her heart he was there. Looking out for her. Her friends and family went to closing night. They told her how amazing she was. She thanked them, but the one person she wanted to see was him. She looked around in hopes he was there. She wanted to see the look on his face. She knew he would be in awe of her. She knew he wasn't there. He would never be there for her. After closing night she found herself her couldn't sing anymore. It became to painful. She only sang if she had to. Her reason to sing was gone.
A few weeks later she left to LA for a weekend getaway with Kurt, and Blaine. They rented a small cabin together. While Kurt was busy making out with Blaine. She went on a walk on the beach alone. She knew they wouldn't notice if she was missing for a few hours. The sand was warm, but her empty heart was still very much empty. She looked at the sunset for a moment. She swore she saw Finn's face smiling down at her.
"I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time. Know there was something that, and that I left something behind. When I leave this world, I leave no regrets. Leave something to remember, so they wont forget. I was here, I lived, I loved. I was here. I did, I've done everything I wanted. And it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here. I want to say I lived each day until I died. I know that I had something in somebody life. The heart I have touched, will be the proof that I leave. That I made a difference, and this world will see. I was here. I lived, I loved. I was here. I've done everything I wanted. And it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here. I just want them to know that I gave my all, did my best. Brought someone happiness. Left this world a little better just because I was here." Rachel to the empty beach.
"You sang beautifully." Finns voice says softly. Her walks towards her slowly. He had a proud smile on his face. He wore a white suit. He had never looked more handsome.
"This isn't real. Your dead. You've been dead for six months now." Rachel says as she starts crying.
"This is a dream. You cried yourself to sleep after you sang that song." Finn says softly. His arms were around her. His face traced hers. His hands touched her all over carefully. His hands traced her breast. Nothing felt more right than when he touched her intimately.
"I'm asleep?" Rachel questions. "If you're here now. Where have you been all the times I've needed you?" Her sobs are bigger.
"I wanted to give you your space. It doesn't mean I'm not looking out for you. I'm here all the time. All the times you think you've seen my face in the crowd, that was me. I'm there in the sky. I cant walk away from you. I love you." Finn whispered into her ear. The sound of his voice made her knees go weak.
"I have missed you so much." Rachel whispered. As her tears started to fall Finn caught them with his thumb and wiped them away.
"I'm here now. Please don't cry. I've been watching you cry yourself to sleep every night since I died. It hurts me to see you this way." Finn whispered as he looked into her eyes. His lips met her in a soft tender kiss.
"When I wake up, you'll be gone." Rachel says as she kissed him again.
"No, I'm always there. Just because you cant see me, it doesn't mean I'm not here." Finn says as he continued to touch her intimately.
"This is a dream. We cant do this. Its not real." Rachel says as she pushed his hand away.
"Its as real as you want it to be. This is a dream. In dreams anything can happen." Finn says as he removes Rachel's top. He kisses her breast softly. "I've missed your touch. Seeing your full beauty was all I could needed. I love you so much."
"Make love to me Finn. Just like you use to. Make me feel beautiful again." Rachel whispered as she kissed Finn over and over.
"Gladly." Finn says as his hands touched all over until their bodies were one.
When she woke up she was laying on the beach in the dark. It was all a dream, but she knew he was there. Her eyes filled with tears. She knew in her heart she had to set him free. She held on to him, but she knows she needed to be at peace with his absence. She looked up at the sky to see the stars shining. She could see a star the shined brighter than others. It was him. He was looking out for her. He never stopped.
When she returned to New. York she went to Broadway. She booked herself a role in a major production. She started to singing without feeling guilty for trying to live her life without him. She knew she couldn't give up her dreams. He wouldn't want her to. She never stopped loving him. After every show she would to a rooftop where she looked up at the starts. She talked to him about her day. She knew he was listening. Every year on his birthday she would make a trip back to Ohio to lay a new flower on his grave. A few years after his death she won her first Tony. She looked to the audience. She could see him clearly. Her was smiling at her.
"Thank you for this. I want to dedicate this award to the love of my life Finn Hudson. After Finn died I thought my life was over, but his love kept me going all these years. When we were 18, about to get married he sacrificed our relationship so I could follow my dreams. He knew I was meant for this. I know I wouldn't be here if not for his unconditional love and support. So Finn this is for you. I love you, and I miss you everyday." Rachel says as she looks up to the sky. "Thank you for believing in me."
She finishes her speech and steps off the stage. The crowd makes a standing ovation. That night she goes up the rooftop to look at the stars. One star was brighter than ever. She knew it was Finn. She could feel him.
"I won the Tony Finn. I saw you there. Thank you for giving me the strength to keep fighting. I wish you could have been there in person so see me win." Rachel says to the stars.
When she went home that night. She saw him in her dreams for the first time since she last saw him.
"I'm so proud of you Rachel. You deserve this." Finn says looking proud. She takes him by the hand where they walk on the beach together in the dark. She's wearing the most beautiful gown she had ever seen.
"It was for you. I never gave up because your love kept me going." Rachel says softly as she looks into Finn's beautiful eyes.
"I know." Finn says as he kisses her. "Our love will be the stuff people will talk about for years to come. Forever."
"Forever." Rachel agrees as she kisses him back.