A/N: I don't really know where the idea for this story came from. I guess I was still mad because they got rid of Sean and a little upset because Emma was struggling so much. It's told from Emma's POV, but you'd have probably figured that out.If you aren't up to date with the show then I don't suggest you read this as it contains info from almost the entire series and even a few spoilers I've learned of being an American and having not seen half of season 4. I'm posting this to see if you guys like it or not. It is not a one-shot and I hope to continue it. Please review as getting your opinions is my entire reason for posting this. And if you like this and watch RFR then maybe you can check out some of my other stories. Anyway hope you enjoy and please give me your honest opinion and any criticism you can.
You never forget your first crush, or at least that's what I think. Then again, maybe it's different for me; after all you did save my life. But it was too much for any of us to bear…and you just couldn't take it anymore. So you left. You left when I needed you most. But I try not to remember you that way. I try to go back to before then…when we were happy. Our first date…our first really messed up date. I never forgave myself for ruining that night…with you. Sometimes I even go back farther…to before we met. When I was so desperate to find a boyfriend…so alone…my friends just weren't enough. I didn't feel like I had friends. They were really the best thing that ever happened to me, but instead of listening I blew them off…and turned to my one true (as I thought) friend. The internet. Jordan. I felt so alone…so unloved…I needed someone…and he was there. He was the boyfriend I'd always dreamed of. And I needed him…so I let myself trust him. I was crazy really, and I guess a clean shirt and second photo can never change the past. He tried so hard to hurt me…and that made me feel even more alone. And then you came, and I got confused 'cause I wasn't supposed to feel that way about anyone. I'd learned my lesson after Jordan. But I'd started listening to my friends, and I could tell that they thought it was ok since I actually knew you. But what did they know?
And then I can't bear to remember anymore because I just feel so…weird…you know happy and sad at the same time. And I'm confused because you can't feel both at once…so I fix that. I remember the worst day of my whole life…the shooting…just so I can feel half-way normal again. Because now I feel completely sad and not partly happy; and I'm no longer confused. And then I realize that in that memory…you're there…and you risk everything to save me. And that depresses me even more. I don't love you anymore…no more crush. I've moved on. I believe I've moved on. I know I've moved on. And you probably have too. And now it's worse because I know that I'm always stuck without you.
I tried to duplicate what we had…I went to Jay. He's nice, really, but you know that. But I don't feel anything. I feel nothing now. The only time I ever feel something is when I remember. But memories can only last so long. School, family, friends all get in the way. They don't realize it…they don't know I'm trying to feel like a normal human and as long as I'm distracted I can't. They don't know I feel no emotions…I've made it to where my expression always fits the scenery; and it works: they believe me. And I'm left to pity myself again. But I can only pity when I remember. I can only pity when I remember feeling pity. Pity for Manny. Pity for mom. Pity for Snake. Pity for you. I like those memories; because, oddly enough, pity makes me feel happy. And I can finally accept that I'm not normal because I realize that I've gone insane. And then I realize that it's all your fault. Because of what you did at the shooting. And then Rick comes to mind, his laughing glare as he points the gun at me. So close to pulling the trigger…I can see the change in pressure and hear the silent click. And then you jump forward and nothing happens. I don't hear the gun go off or see him fall to the floor dead. But I look at you, and I feel pity for you because of what will happen next.
Of course being insane there was no way I could keep them from knowing forever. So after all the guidance counseling and group meetings at school I get extra counseling. I get to see a shrink specially picked out by my loving parents. I don't know why they care so much because really I'm not doing anything wrong. And, he, he, he, I get to miss school sometimes just to go see the shrink. Or at least that's what I'm told. I haven't met her yet. My first meeting is in two days. Oh look at the calendar…two days from now is the exact same day of the week that you and I went on our first date. I'm laughing now, I'm sure it must be the most hilarious sight there ever was. Poor little old me laughing hysterically at apparently nothing.
"What's so funny, Em?" Mom asks and suddenly I realize that I'm eating dinner, but I haven't really touched my food. Everything but two bites are still sitting there and I've been eating for ten minutes!
I blink my eyes blankly, trying to get you out of my mind, "Nothing mom," I reply and smile.
"Then why are you laughing?" Snake asks.
"Didn't you see it? Jack just made the funniest face!" I claim, and they are satisfied.
They don't think I'm totally crazy, but I hit that marker long ago and am now well past insane. It'd be nice if they could tell, but instead of worrying myself over it I shovel another bite of dinner (Chicken, peas, mashed potatoes, and corn) into my mouth. And for a moment the taste almost makes me forget reality. Snake starts telling mom a funny story about what some kid did at school today, and I laugh when I'm supposed to. They finish eating, but as always (worried about me as they are) they keep sitting there waiting for me to be done.
They stare at me expectantly (waiting for a story no doubt) but then give up and decide to ask, "How was school today?"
I dread these conversations 'cause the truth is that I hate to think about it. It's just too much.
"Everyone is still staring at me," I admit and they share a concerned glance that I'm supposed to either match or heal, "but at least Sean doesn't have to deal with it anymore. It was worse for him being the hero and all."
Mom nods, but I can tell that Snake isn't fully satisfied. He lets it go, however, as I've managed to gulp down several more bites of food. I think he's beginning to think that those first ten minutes where I wasn't eating were just a fluke…that really I'm fine. I know they wish I was, and I know they think I almost am. I can't tell them the truth, and I'm gonna hate the shrink lady. I can guarantee that. 'Cause unlike Snake she isn't gonna let topics go so easily. I hope I don't crack and tell her everything though, at least not before I learn her name. That's a joke and I laugh again. When mom and dad ask what's up I claim that I still can't get Snake's story out of my head, and suddenly they laugh too.
When I finally finish eating mom has a surprise. She brings out a big key lime pie. Snake's favorite. We're celebrating something I guess, I dunno what, maybe another milestone with his cancer or something. It's been gone for a while so I don't know what suddenly makes mom so thankful to still have Snake alive. I look down, and my expression twists into one of disgust, but they're too happy to notice and I soon recover from the initial shock of how much I have to eat. I hate eating now…well more than necessary…and getting dinner down was hard enough. We all dig in to our pie, but all I can think about as I sit there is my nickname. Greenpeace. It fits so well. A green piece of pie. Lol, I never thought of myself that way before. I snicker, but pretend to have sneezed. Mom makes me wash my hands. She's in one of her moods today, and has suddenly become obsessed with germs. The last time that happened was when Snake was sick (with what we thought was a cold and turned out to be leukemia).
As I'm washing my hands in the bathroom I think of the pie again, and you…when you joined the bad crowd (Jay and Alex and them) you started to always call me Greenpeace or Naturegirl or whatever just like them, and I realize now you were just as lonely and desperate as me. Except back then I could handle it and you couldn't. But I don't blame you, I mean I had to learn my lesson too with the whole internet boyfriend Jordan whom I kept a secret for eight whole months. At the time it was my biggest mistake, my biggest nightmare, but now after all that has happened it's really nothing. By the time I finish eating I've wasted so much time that it's now 8:00 and I'm exhausted.
"I'm gonna go to bed," I say kissing mom and dad on the cheek.
They smile and say "Good night." But I hardly notice.
I fake a yawn and then rush down the basement stairs to my room. I collapse on my bed out of breath. For a while I try to sleep without even bothering to get undressed, but the problem is he still haunts my thoughts so it's impossible and I give up. I flip on the little table lamp I got a few days ago and then I pick up the latest English book I'm supposed to be reading. I've spent so much time with the book that I'm already half done when the rest of the class is only on chapter three. It makes me feel special to know that I have done so much more than them.
But my grades still reflect how I feel or rather how I'd feel if I could feel. I hate Rick and Sean so much…Toby too…they did so much to hurt me and it made me change. I didn't want to, but what choice was I given? And then I feel jealous of you all because of how you're trying to handle the situation…how you escaped…and the fact that I'm not. There's so much still expected of me, and I can't run from it…not anymore. Not that I ever could. I mean come on! I thought I was doing pretty well as the daughter of a stupid sixteen-year-old. Guess not. Boy was I dreaming! I don't blame them for expecting so much and treating me this way, I always showed promise. That's why grandma was so able to accept me as a granddaughter. After I was born it could have been hard, maybe the pregnancy hadn't seemed real…but I was…and I'm glad I was acceptable.
But even after that thought, I still can't sleep, and I realize that the only way for me to sleep is to make myself happy. I have to remember something that made me laugh…but what? I can't remember the wedding because he was there or my first date because again he was there, and I definitely can't remember winning the game show because…well…let's just say it wasn't a pleasant outcome. And then it hits me. It's back long before Sean and I met. There were four of us, J.T., Manny, Toby, and me, we were the best of friends and no one could spoil it. We were at the park with ice cream just playing around, but J.T. had a little 'accident' and his ice cream ended up all over his nose. I'm lucky because amazingly enough the memory is enough to put me to sleep, normally it isn't but I guess I was just so tired.
In the morning I wake up to the unforgiving sound of my alarm clock. I hate the idea that it's a school day in just an hour, and try to come up with some excuse not to go. If I told them I just really didn't want to go they wouldn't make me, but they'd worry and I don't want that. It's silly really that even now when I'm insane I still think of others first. I could never hurt anyone no matter what happened…not like Rick. But I'm amazed he took as much as he did, if we'd only seen it sooner…I hate the idea that he'll never breathe again even if I almost ended up the same way. You know, I always hated killing and death. I guess that was sorta mom's fault 'cause since she wouldn't talk I always thought my real dad had died. You know when I was around four or five since I hadn't seen him in so long. But I was such a sweet little girl, or so I'm told. I do remember it…all of it, but not the same way they do. Maybe because I was young or maybe it was just a different way of viewing the world.
Of course now I see things differently 'cause of the whole Rick bringing a gun to school, shooting Jimmy, attempting to shoot me, and dieing thing that I kind of witnessed…but no one understands. I mean no one even knows why he went after me. They all thought we were cool and civilized toward each other, but they're never gonna know that he tried to kiss me and I destroyed him. If he wasn't over the edge already I'm the one who made him do that horrible thing. And I think that's why my mind has stopped trying, because if it does then it will feel guilty…and if it does then I might become just as much of a monster as Rick was. Or maybe just one like Sean that can push his girlfriend down into the grass and walk away without a second thought. No…I could never be that heartless, but he really isn't heartless…I mean if he was then he wouldn't have been so torn up that he had to leave. I'm confused again, but at least I'm not thinking of the eminent school day fast approaching. And I smile at the thought that I was calm again if only for a few minutes but still enough that it made a difference. And I think I can face school now.