Title:
A/N: I started this as something else, but it kinda morphed into this. I don't usually write in the first person, but apparently I'm channeling my inner Max. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm poor.
The song is "Far Away" by Nickelback. I highly recommend playing it in the background while reading. I did while writing.
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
A gold leaf fell from its bough, twisting and quivering in the soft breeze as it drifted toward the earth. I watch it fall, for some reason intrigued. Maybe my eyes would have been better cast downward, but they weren't. They remain riveted on that floating perversion, the striking amber color of the foliage seeming to mock the bleak undertone of the afternoon. Fall has always been a funny season to my mind, a final sunburst of color before seemingly unending months of bitter cold and dreary gray days. I wondered as a kid why on earth the trees would choose October for this plethora of color, right before each branch was stripped and left to stand naked against the cold winter. Manticore never bothered teaching us things like that. I find it especially ironic today, such beauty mingling with despair.
The leaf drifts out of sight and I am at last able to lower my gaze. No one else had seemed to notice the cavorting leaf, and of course I instantly feel guilty for not paying more attention to the moment, or to Normal reading somberly from an open Bible. It had seemed fitting. After all, I figured Normal was as close to celibate as anyone. I thought you might like it too. My teeth lock down onto the flesh inside my cheek and I bow my head. The lowered gaze didn't last long. You know I've never been much for long speeches or remaining idle. Shark DNA and all. My eyes drift over each face in the crowd, my mind once again placing Normal to the rear, where his voice is thankfully muted. I can't listen to it right now.
All I see is black, black, and more black, from the scuffed tips of black work boots, to the perfect little black dresses, right on up to the running mascara lines of every woman here. The dark rivers are especially apparent against the paled faces of all. Even the men are tight lipped and pallid, though they don't seem quite ready to burst into waterworks. Ordinaries and Manticore alike have all come to mourn together, even if the X Series are acting as a buffer between the ordinaries and the transhumans. We're finally getting somewhere, and I just wish you were here to see it too.
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
So many have died in the last year and a half. It's not right. I miss the faces that should be here. Dix is gone. So is Gem, but you know that. You were the one who found her, the one who heard the crying beneath her lifeless, bloodied body. She died protecting the life of her child. Joshua is here. He's crying. I think he would have painted something for today, but he says he's not good enough with his left hand yet, since his right one isn't there anymore. Mole is notably absent, not that he's dead, but let's be serious, he ain't much on sentimentality. There are others too, though their number have grown so that their faces all melt together in my head. You shouldn't have died. Of all of them, you should have lived to see the end.
OC is still here, standing beside Sketchy, Gem's baby bouncing lightly on her hip. I never figured Normal for a 'dad', but he loves that kid like his own. I think Gem did good when she left her to him. Asha is here too, those pale blue eyes of hers weeping unabashedly. I realize I'm jealous. Sometimes I wish I could just let it all go and cry like that. I know I shouldn't take it out on her. Asha has as much right to mourn as anyone.
I'm glad we were able to get your body out of Seattle. I think you would have liked this place, once you stopped bitching at me for the trouble or the fact that nature only reminded you of basic that is. You would have liked to see everyone that showed up. So many transgenics snuck out of Terminal City just for this. Seeing that makes this just a little easier. Love you or hate you, everyone knows what you've done for the transgenic cause in the year and a half since the siege began.
People keep reminding me that you went quick, that you probably didn't feel much pain, like somehow that makes this better. But I know. I watched the light in your eyes go out, and I watched as it took the life in your face with it. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't care; it had been too quick. As many times as I'd said goodbye, as many times as I'd pushed you away, I never expected not to get one more chance at it. I'd give almost anything to have one more chance at it. There's so much I'd tell you.
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
My eyes go back to your coffin, as it begins to lower slowly into the earth. You're really gone. I have a hollow feeling in my gut, and I think I might retch. Because the truth of the matter is that it's my fault. You died for me. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes, but they won't come. This was never your war; it was mine. You thought I didn't know you loved me, but I did. And I gotta tell ya, it scared the hell outta me.
His hand slips around mine, and our fingers intertwine. His hand is warm, and strong, and I know it should help me but it doesn't. It just feels wrong. I figured finding the Cure would make things better, would make things right, like they had been. I love him. Correction, I loved him. Maybe that's it, maybe it's past tense. You saw it, so why couldn't I? Is that why you did it? To give me a good, swift kick in the ass?
It's my turn now. Normal's done, and he's looking at me. They're all looking at me. Shit. I don't want to go up there. I let go of his hand. I can't look at his face, can't look him in the eyes, cuz then he'll know, and I don't think I can handle losing him too. The blood is roaring in my ears, it's all I can hear. Maybe I can't do this.
I didn't write anything you know. I tried. If you could see my desk at headquarters and the like, 120 little balls of crumpled up paper next to it you'd know. Nothing had seemed right. Nothing I could say would do justice to what you meant to TC, what you meant to me. And every time I put that pen down on the paper, that day came flooding back to me.
I remember I was pissed at you for something. Big surprise there right? I don't remember what for exactly, but I was. I yelled at you, and you yelled right back. And then you up and vanished in the night on me. Poof. Gone. Not a word from you for two solid weeks. A couple people told me you had bailed, but I honestly didn't believe it. I thought something had happened to you. Hell, I thought you were dead. Mole practically had to kick me out of TC. Said I needed to get my head on straight. And he was right.
That's when it dawned on me. In two years, you were the only one I could count on 100 percent to have my back. For two years, you were the only one that could make a bad day better. For two years you reminded me of myself, and I punished you for it. I took everything out on you, because I knew you understood, and I knew you wouldn't bail. I hate that I did that to you. So I went to Joshua's to sort it out, and that's where you found me.
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
Someone coughs in the crowd, and I suddenly remember why I'm standing at this pulpit. I've been up here for nearly two minutes and haven't said anything. My tongue feels dry as I run it over my lips. "The thing is…" My voice doesn't seem to be working. It just comes out a whisper. Maybe if I clear my throat… "The thing you have to know about Alec…"
This isn't working. I close my eyes. I have to focus, but as soon as I don't see everyone else, all I see is you. When you came through the door, with the sun setting behind you, I thought I was dreaming. It struck me dumb. But being 'glad' to see you didn't cover it, not even a bit. So of course the first thing I did was deck you, because I didn't want you to see it. You always saw it. And you just stood there and took it, like always. Then you handed me the canister, told me you found the Cure, that you wanted me to be happy. You struck me dumb twice.
I was staring at the canister when you kissed me. I can still feel your lips, sudden and hard, and desperate. I can still feel your hands tangled in my hair and my back pressed up against the wall. I can still taste the bitterness at the back of my throat, because I felt like you were ripping my heart out of my chest, and because I knew I wouldn't be able to tell you that. I still feel the hole you left when you pulled away. It isn't fair. When was it that I became so broken? And why can't I fix it? I wanted to cry for everything I felt and couldn't say, and I wanted to cry because I knew what you were going to say next.
"Max I'm leaving Seattle."
Three times dumb.
My phone rang, and I finally remembered to breathe. It was Mole. He told me that White and his Phalnyx were assaulting TC and that I needed to get my ass back quick. It was his fourth strike in as many weeks. I didn't need to tell you, you'd heard, and you were already headed for your bike. We flew back, together, and I made up my mind to talk to you, really talk to you when it was over.
We turned them back, just like we had three times before, the united front that was TC. Joshua's flag snapped overhead in the breeze. Everyone cheered, and you had that contented look you always got after a good fight. That was the day we lost Dix. It was the day I lost you. I thought we'd taken them all down, and we had, save one. That bitch had just enough left in her to shoot you in the back. You were walking toward me. It sounded like the gun went off right next to my head. A dark red stain appeared on your chest and then spread. You just looked surprised.
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Six bullets hit that bitch at the same time. You dropped like a stone. I was at your side in an instant. I pressed my hand against the wound. It had to stop bleeding. I would make it stop. You actually had the gall to smile at me. "It's okay Max," you told me, "I forgive you." Then you were gone.
My hand was still on your chest when I felt your heart thump for the last time. You couldn't even let me say I was sorry. Sorry for all the times I never said 'thank you.' Sorry for all the times I was a bitch to you. Sorry for taking for granted that you'd always be there for me. Sorry for ignoring that hurt look in your eye every time I used you to get to Logan. I had a hundred things to apologize for, and I didn't even get one. You always were trying to beat me to the punch.
We stayed there for a while, because no one dared try and tear me off you. I couldn't, wouldn't move. I wasn't ready to let you go. I'm still not ready. I need you Alec. And I miss you.
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
My eyes open and I'm still at your funeral. It wasn't all some horrible nightmare; it was real. God this hurts. Tears are welling in my eyes. I can't see what little I'd managed to scribble down on the drive over. The back of my throat is burning. My mouth feels like it's filled with cotton. I step out from behind the podium. "The thing about Alec…." I start again, my voice thick, but there are no words. And finally, tears flow hot down my cheeks. My knees give way. I sink onto the damp ground and I weep. I cry for you, I cry for them, I cry for me. I cry for everything I feel and can't say. I need you Alec. I miss you.
I love you too.
Please review, I love them so.