Just a Dream
Disclaimer: I do not own DNAngel, and I'm kind of glad because without Sugisaki-sensei there would be no Satoshi or Daisuke, and then I would be bishie-less and empty. LOL
Rating: K, only because of the hinted shonen-ai.
Warning: I feel like a broken record every time I write this: I warn you of upcoming shonen-ai hints.
Summary: " I had a dream, a dream that gave me a small goal. A silly goal, but a goal that, to me, even seems worth dying for…" Satoshi angst one-shot. Hinted shonen-ai (SatoDai). Fluffed to dangerous quantities. Don't ask me how it's both fluff and angst- you'll see.
How weird for me to post two things in one day- I guess that's just the way things turned out, I guess, LOL. Anyway, here is an angsty one shot I did after reading volume eight of the manga, though there are no spoilers here.
" Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like a seafaring man…you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny."
--Carl Schurz
It was on one of those seemingly endless nights where Krad had taken over my corporeal form and about destroyed everything I had ever known. On those nights, I either awake at the scene of the battle, bruised and bleeding in both my body and my mind, or in my bed, too tired to even remove my bloody shirt or even to turn over to keep off my back, which is ravaged by Krad's wings.
This night, it was the later. I clearly remember not even being able to move, hardly even breathing; just staring at the ceiling thoughtlessly till sleep got the better of me. The most painful times are those, when I feel like I'll go into a nervous breakdown if I think about it.
But how can you stop the memories? How you can you stop the pain that floods into you when you see that someone, the dearest person in the world to you, the person whose soul called out to your own, cries out in suffering? How are you supposed to stop the guilt from coming when you see the person who showed you the world, the beautiful world you see through their eyes, almost leave this world by a part of yourself?
There is no way to stop it. You just can't block out that kind of emotional trauma. Which is why, by that time, even if my dreams are plagued by nightmares, I welcome them with open arms.
Because anything is better then the raw pain.
Perhaps Fate does pity me somewhat, because on these nights in which Krad fought Dark, he's too exhausted to stay awake. So, on these rare occasions, my dreams are free of Krad. My dreams are free to come totally free from my unconscious. I count it as a blessing.
I'm glad that humans never remember how long it takes us to go into REM sleep, because I would hate to remember all of that time I spend wandering around in that darkness- it reminds me too much of that chamber where I go when Krad takes over.
Anyway, on this night, when the lights and images came on inside my mind and I dreamed, I found myself at the sea.
Of course, there's nothing terribly unusually about going to the sea. But, this vision held a special memory for me, because I had seen this once before. It had been on that field trip to the beach, where I had met Daisuke after I had taken Dark away from him, and despite that had been kind to me. And when he had left to go find Dark, I found that I couldn't get over this feeling, a feeling that I decided to define as happiness. Or was it redemption he gave me?
Either way, it was perfect, just as I remembered it, with those lullaby waves and those sea gulls making their calls that are always associated with the ocean. The breeze chilled me a little bit- and it forced me to wake up out my permanent induced stupor and look around, like Daisuke makes me do.
I was sitting on a rock, and I was holding a pencil to a sketchbook while looking out towards the sea. When I found my hand starting to sketch, I told myself to stop like I always do. But, my body wasn't listening to a thing I was telling it to do. I saw myself, and I knew I was looking out of my own eyes, but it was more like I was a guest in my own body then actually myself.
I watched myself sketch, the pencil constantly turning in my hand, making all the lines to fully portray the swirls of the waves, the shading of the water and the things in it, and the places where the light from the sun was reflected. Despite all this being hard work, I felt free and fulfilled in doing this, and I continued to work.
I don't know how long I had worked till I stopped, filling in the very last detail before closing up my sketchbook and putting my pencil in my jeans pocket. I stretched, and I felt a small, but very uncharacteristic smile come to my face. I listened inwardly, and I heard what he heard, and I suddenly knew why he could smile- there wasn't any sounds, vibration, or anything coming from my mind except from the typical sounds of the brain. It was wonderful to be alone, totally free in my mind, soul, and body.
I watched the sea, just letting my mind wander, and relaxed. I seemed to be waiting for something, but I didn't know what, till I saw the very familiar hand on my shoulder.
"Heya, Satoshi-kun!" Daisuke said, smiling at me, gently prodding at my shoulder for me to scoot over and make room for him.
Once again, my brain told this body to give him a cold look, ignore him, or anything- get him away so as to protect him. But, instead, I felt a smile cross my features and I moved over a bit. He plopped down, bringing his knees up and hugging them. He turned to me, his eyes as bright and kind as I had ever seen them.
"I'm so surprised to actually have met you at a time when you're not sketching," said Daisuke, laughing.
"Well, I was a few minutes ago," I told him.
He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. "Why am I not surprised?" We both laughed.
"I'm just kidding, Satoshi-kun, it's wonderful that you found something that you love doing," he said after he stopped laughing. I bent over and picked up my sketchbook off the sand, and handed it to him. "Awesome! More sketches," he said, flipping back to my drawing of the sea.
He stared at it, his eyes glowing copper with wonder. I realized that both of us, the happy and regular me, had our gazes directed at how his eyes changed hue when he looked at it then how he was looking at the sketch.
"Your stuff is always amazing, Sato-kun. It's like the sea is a living thing, moving around at its own pace." He closed it back, and handed it back to me. "Your stuff is going to be famous someday, and I want to be the first one to see your paintings every single time." He handed it back to me, wiping off the sand absently.
"Hmmm," I replied, turning to the next clean page and quickly moving my pencil around again.
"What are you drawing now?" he asked, looking at me with an innocent, curious expression that only he could pull off and not have it look fake.
"You," I told him, not even glancing up at him, just concentrating on the drawing.
Daisuke turned a bright shade of red. "Again? Why is it that I'm the only person whose portrait you ever do?"
"Because," I told him, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "you never have the same expression once. It's always different, and besides, I like drawing you."
Daisuke sighed. "Okay, but, there's a whole world of other people besides me, you know."
And they matter how? It was weird that both the happy and regular me both thought this at the same time.
After that, the only sounds were the ocean and my pencil. The times that I looked up, he was staring at the ocean, looking like he was lost in a daydream. When I was finished, I absently nudged him in the shoulder, and he jumped a little bit.
"Sorry, Sato-kun," he said, smiling apologetically. He looked down at his watch. "Hey, do you want to go grab a bite to eat before we head over to the museum? We've got an hour, and I don't know about you, but I'm starving." he said, standing up.
The setting sun was causing his hair to shine a vibrant fire red, and when he ran his hand through it glints of gold showed up. He looked back at me, and held out his hand, the sun behind him giving him that halo look.
"Let's go," he said. As I reached out my hand for his, the sun began to fade, and Daisuke became transparent like a ghost, and the world around us grew gray and dim…
And, much to my horror, the next thing I knew I was in my bed, my alarm going off, my back sticking to my bed with my own blood.
I closed my eyes quickly, trying desperately to try to get back into that dream. I tried to find my lost paradise in my mind, closing my eyes tightly against the morning sun. But, all closing my eyes accomplished was to make the tears in my eyes drip down my face.
Once I started to wipe them away, they wouldn't stop, and it seemed my whole body was vibrating from the intensity of my crying. My heart seemed to throb with my crying, and my mind was numb, not able or caring to stop the images of that dream.
My alarm had stopped before my crying subsided. When I had stopped, all it seemed was left of me was that empty stomach feeling that is hopelessness.
That dream…it had seemed so real. Had it been a fantasy that my mind had woven at the realization that I had no happy emotions except around Daisuke? What sort of underlying message could be found in that, if it was from my subconscious? What was the purpose of making me have such an emotional dream? Because, there could no way my mind could be giving me incentive to rid myself of my curse.
Because, there is no way to get rid of my curse, I asked myself, is there?
I pulled myself off my bed, wincing not at the pain but more from the realization that I had no control over my emotions. They were drowning me from the inside. My wants…my dreams…they were destroying me…
Or saving you, a small thought replied.
Saving me? I stopped everything. How could that be possible, when all my emotions do is release Krad? What good are emotions when they destroy everything?
Emotions don't destroy anything- he does. Daisuke's emotions for you haven't destroyed anything- actually; they've given you strength. Your emotions may cause bad things to happen, but look at the Niwa curse. Their love emotions hinders them, but isn't it those same emotions that end their curse in the end? Why wouldn't it be the same for him, since they are a part of each other?
I realized that maybe I was going insane, having an internal debate with myself, but I hoped instead it was that same voice that had given me my dream, since what it said seemed to make a lot of sense.
I couldn't guarantee anything, but it wasn't like I had anything to lose that I wasn't going to lose anyway…
This gave me just enough courage to wipe away the last of my tears, and get my shirt off and risk the pain of reopening my wounds. I got it off, and got into the shower and bandaged without passing out from blood loss.
During the whole time, I wasn't thinking about much of anything except getting to school. When I was ready, and it had all been said and done, I still had ten minutes to go before I had to leave. Without thinking, I took out a piece of paper and took a pen.
I had a dream. And that dream gave me a small goal. Perhaps a silly goal, but a goal that, to me, is worth even dying for…
I want to choose my own future- I want nothing of it to be foreordained. And while I know my life won't be as perfect as my dream was, I want someday to be able to smile and be close to other people without fear of hurting them.
That is my goal. And, I will achieve it.
And with that, I folded it up and put it in a small drawer of my desk before taking my school bag and walking out the door.
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