Warning: severe angst ahead, read at your own risk (y)

It was…warm. The warmth was like a golden blanket of sunlight, cocooning him. For a while Rin drifted on the delicious sensation, lost in a hazy bliss. It was kind of strange, he mused absently. He had never felt this comfortable…

There was a thrumming next to his ear, steady and slow. Rin twitched a little in confusion as the warmth solidified until it was concentrated around the side of his face and his neck, and a heavy and not unwelcome pressure across his chest. He opened his eyes clearly and blinked a couple of times. Everything eventually slid into focus, and for a second confusion hit him when he noticed the room he was in wasn't the Samezuka dorm.

Then as the person next to him shifted, recognition came back to him. The room was wide and white and sparsely decorated, the bed quite spacious, and the boy whose chest he had been using as a pillow had raven-dark hair splayed across his forehead.

Haru.

Of course, I said I'd spend the weekend with him. Rin let his eyelids half-close in contentment. Haru had thrown an arm around him while they were sleeping, and right now it felt like an anchor keeping him in place, keeping him safe. If he had been more alert, Rin would have scoffed at his sentimental thoughts, but right now the pulses of Haru's heartbeat was like a lullaby of sorts, singing alive, alive, alive.

It had been a full year since they started dating, a year and a half since the fateful relay. Rin had struggled with his growing feelings until one evening, when they stayed back at the Iwatobi pool after a joint practise, Haru had ducked under the lane divider and surfaced inches away from him, gripping his biceps so he couldn't pull away.

'Haru, what the hell.' He was not blushing.

'Why is it that you always talk too much, but when it comes to the one thing I want you to say you won't say it?'

'I…' Words that hadn't even formed stuck in his throat. His heartbeat was so rapid that surely Haru could hear it.

He let out a yelp as he felt his body being yanked downwards, and a pair of warm, wet lips fiercely pressed against his.

"Ugh, why'm I having first kiss flashbacks?" he grumbled into Haru's chest.

The arm around him tightened, and he shivered pleasurably, even as Haru said, "You woke me up."

Rin yawned and sat up, the covers falling off his bare chest and he shivered as the cool air hit him. Haru's arm slid from him to rest on the bed, his fingertips brushing his hip. His stomach lurched and he turned his head away, muttering, "Don't."

"I didn't do anything."

"Oh, shut up." He turned to poke at Haru's nose, snorting when it wrinkled up. "You look like a cat. A water-freak cat."

He's so beautiful.

For some reason, when he looked at Haru's peaceful face a wave of intense relief swept through and he swallowed, not sure why he was feeling that way. "You're here," he said softly.

"Of course," said Haru in a puzzled tone. "Where else would I have been?"

"Bathtub. The pool. Not here."

"It's not like I was tempted."

Rin cracked a grin at his boyfriend's response and rested his head back on Haru's smooth skin, feeling the planes of lean muscle under his cheek. Haru moved again, a little more restlessly.

"Rin…look at me."

"Hnn? Whaddya want?" The redhead asked, propping himself up so he could turn to Haru. His eyelids were half open, revealing slashes of depthless blue. Rin felt a familiar yearning build up in his chest just from looking at them.

Strong arms pulled him as Haru's head bent, and their mouths met in a slow, deep kiss that intensified the swirl of feeling in Rin's heart. When his mouth opened slightly Haru turned the kiss into something more desperate and they both clung to each other, stealing each other's breath.

"Heh…love you too, Haru," he mumbled, but instead of moving his hands down Rin's stomach like he usually did, Haru tensed up. "Oi, what's with you?"

"Rin, don't stop swimming," said Haru suddenly, an urgent note in his tone. Rin furrowed his brow and started to respond, but something else grabbed his attention and dug its claws into his mind. Shock and confusion dazed him.

There was a large gash on Haru's arm, as through the flesh had been ripped into. Blood oozed ever so slowly out of the laceration, but didn't soak into the bedsheets. Rin lurched back, his hands bracing him. "Where the hell did that come from?"

His jaw dropped in horror at the gash. But instead of fear on his face when he looked at his wound, a deep, aching sadness came into Haru's eyes and while Rin looked on in dread his boyfriend's body seemed to ripple ever so slightly, and for a second dark bruises, torn skin and the white flash of bone played across him like light on water.

"Haru!"

Suddenly Haru was at the other side of the room, the shadow he cast wavering on the wall. Rin's sharp intake of breath scratched at his throat and he leapt off the bed. "What's going on?"

"I've overstayed my visit," Haru said softly. When he looked up at Rin, the redhead was terrified to see his boyfriend's face was battered, as if he had fallen on rocks. He tried to run forward, but his legs were locked in place.

"H-Haru!" he said desperately, reaching forward. "Haru, what's happening?"

"Rin." Tears began to spill over Haru's blue eyes and Rin forgot how to breathe because Haru never, ever cried. The droplets trickled over his ruined cheeks to fall off his jawline like rain. "You know what happened."

"No—no—" He was trying to grasp Haru but his form somehow evaded his touch, his edges blurring away like fog. He started shaking uncontrollably. "Come back!"

Somehow they were face to face—whether it was him or Haru that moved, Rin wasn't sure. The entire room was quavering around them, losing its shape.

"I want to…so badly…" Haru was trembling too, his features wrought with grief. "But after today…I won't be able to see you…I'm sorry, Rin, so sorry…"

"Don't leave me," Rin choked, tears coursing down his face without abandon. "You can't—not again—"

"I love you."

Haru cupped his face and his lips were against Rin's, light and sweet, tasting of tears. Rin felt a sob build up in his chest and he opened his eyes to see Haru fading away, whispering something that struck him to the core.

The room fell away into darkness, taking away Haru, his light, his love, his life.

Come back to me. His unspoken words resonated in the abyss.

He regained consciousness in Haru's bed—he had been living in the house for the past week, just needing to be alone—to find his hands blinding grabbing at the empty mattress beside him. It was like a stab to the gut when his eyes flew open, unable to comprehend his reality.

Maybe that was when it hurt the most, when he reached out for a living and breathing body that would never be there. When the scent of musk and faint chlorine hung in the air, but never emanated from a source. Or maybe it had been on that day when he was called up on his mobile by the police to see if he knew of anybody who would be walking by the cliffs the previous afternoon during the rainstorm, if he could come to the hospital to identify a body…

He had recognised Haru, and became numb.

Later, he went to the cliffs where Haru had fallen and howled out his agony to the empty sky, falling to his knees among the grass and clutching at his hair to the point where it felt like he would rip off his scalp, screaming, sobbing out his pain until he felt like an empty husk.

And from then on, the torment had dulled to an intense, unmoving ache that spread along every vein.

Yet with his dream, it had surged up again and Rin could only lie on the bed, shaking with sobs and gasping whimpers. Haru's last whisper hung in the air, 'I'll always be with you.'

But he wasn't with him, he never would be again. He had been wrenched right out of the world without warning and Rin had never felt so incredibly lost and alone.

Maybe that was when it hurt the most.