The Love I Left To Die

Clary stared out the hotel window at the bustle of the New York streets. She couldn't handle being alone for long periods of time anymore, it made her sad, it made her think. She constantly thought about the massacre at Alicante. Survivors Guilt was what Jocelyn called it, but Clary called it not being able to save more people. Her rune had done so much good, but at the same time so many were left dead, and here she was, happy with Jace. Well, there really was no way that Clary could describe herself as happy, she was lonely; Jace was never around and she knew he felt the same survivors guilt that she felt. Jace chose to deal with stuff in different ways, he was out every night; Clary didn't know if he was at a bar, or with other women; in fact, Clary didn't even care anymore. She had fallen out of love with Jace, if that was even possible. It had been a month, and though the two were still guilty, Jace was running from his demons and Clary was facing them head on, a process that ended up in tears in the mean time. Jace was never there for her though, she cried alone, or on Jocelyn's shoulder.

There was a faint tapping on her door, and Clary removed herself from her distracted thoughts, the images of many lying dead on the grounds of Alicante. She stood up and tucked a few stray tendrils of scarlet hair behind her ears; she walked towards the door, glancing in the mirror first to make sure that any trace of emotion was dead in her clear green eyes. The young Shadowhunter opened up the door a crack, and saw Simon standing there, looking as remorseful as a young vampire could. She grinned and let him in; Clary hadn't seen Simon for a while, he had been around New York, taking in the sights again. Simon was happy to be home, and he didn't feel grief in the same way that Clary did.

"Hey," She said softly. Clary looked into Simon's bright eyes, and the vampire stared back. Clary felt herself blushing and she turned away. She couldn't think, she couldn't look at him without thinking of when they had dated…it seemed impossible, but was Clary Fairchild in love with Simon? The redheaded teen shook off the absurd notion.

"Hey yourself, what's wrong?" Simon asked, his voice normally a semblance of a growl seemed almost gentle at the time. Clary ducked her head so that the vampire could not see the tears that were beading along her long black lashes.

"C-come in," Clary choked out, opening the door wider to let her best friend. She knew that Simon wouldn't forget the topic, but if they were going to talk she might as well let him in. Simon walked into the room, his loose stride flowing as he walked towards Clary, forcing her backwards. When he was far enough into the room, he closed the door and swept Clary into a hug. The girl was caught off guard, and the simple display of affection was enough to make her burst into tears. She pressed her face against Simon's collarbone, and the vampire tried to focus on his friend as a broken girl, not the girl he loved broken as she was.

"Clary, Clary, Clary," Simon said simple to the sobbing girl as he picked her up in his arms and held her close; he walked over to the bed and sat down, laying her down beside him. She wouldn't untangle her arms from around his shoulders, so he was forced to lay down right beside her on the large white bed. He held her until her sobs turned to faint hiccups, and then stopped all together.

"Are you okay?" Simon asked her, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her bright red crown. Clary buried closer to him, but shook her head.

"What's wrong Clary, please tell me," Simon begged. The girl looked up at him, her green eyes displaying a broken heart for all to see. She took a deep breath, burying her face in his white shirt; Clary pulled back again to look at him, before looking down through her thick lashes.

"Simon, I don't love Jace anymore, Jace doesn't love me anymore, I've got horrible survivors guilt, and I've got no one," Clary spewed out to the comforting male. Simon traced circles on Clary's shoulder with his finger as he thought about what the beautiful Shadowhunter had said; he stopped tracing the circles when he heard an almost inaudible hitch in Clary's breathing

Clary was going crazy, Simon's vague tracings were making her lose her mind; Clary was almost certain that even Jace had never made her feel this way. Her breath caught as she realized the implications of the thought, and Simon's finger stopped.

"What exactly do you mean you don't love Jace anymore?" Simon asked after what seemed like an eternity. Clary stared into his dark eyes, perplexed by his question. She hadn't realized how much thinking about stuff could suck.

"Well, when we got back from Alicante, Jace and I, well, we started to fight…a lot," Clary said softly. Simon's gaze bored into hers, willing her to continue her tale; reached up a hand to run it through his dark hair, which had grown into a somewhat straight style. Clary smiled at the action, before zeroing in on Simon's eyes again; His eyes were her comfort zone, she knew that she could say anything and he would listen.

"He, well he said some mean stuff, like I was trying to control him, and that I didn't really care about what had happened at Alicante. Suddenly something in me snapped, I mean, I'm used to dealing with his mood swings, I'm used to him running from his demons," Clary paused again and took a deep breath.

"But this was different, he had never taken it out on me before, and I mean never. He started to target me, anything that happened within his family he would blame on me, and every night, when I would come back to the hotel, or Luke's house, Jocelyn would ask me what was wrong," Clary trailed off, brushing away the tears that were forming in her emerald eyes. Simon caught her face in his cool hand, and wiped his thumb along her jaw line.

"It's okay to cry you know," He said softly. Clary smiled weakly and continued her tale.

"So I would tell Jocelyn that I was feeling horrible for all the things that had happened at Alicante, it wasn't a lie, because I really was. I didn't want to tell her about Jace, she never asked so I was safe. Jace went out every night, whether to find women or to get drunk I don't know. He still does it now. We got in a huge fight recently and he hit me, and I told him I didn't love him anymore," Clary told Simon, her eyes huge and childlike, a single tear trailing down her face and cutting through what looked like heavy foundation.

"I thought it was my fault that he hit me, but I looked in the mirror and saw a bruise and realized that it was him who had lost control, it was his fault…" She trailed off as she saw Simon furiously staring at a wall, and as she noted his clenched fist.

"He did what exactly to you?" Simon growled, his kinder voice from before.

"He hit me," Clary said weakly.

"And you did WHAT?" Simon asked.

"Told him I didn't love him, and I blamed myself," Clary told the vampire softly, a sheepish look in her eyes.

Simon could not believe what he had just heard. Jace had hit Clary. Jace. Had. Hit. Clary. No matter how many ways he said it, he just couldn't get it out of his head, the thought, the image.

"No wonder you're a mess girl," Simon said, a growl still in the undercurrents of his tone. He pulled the red-haired wonder closer to him, and she burrowed deep into his arms, her face against his chest.

"Simon, stay here tonight, please," Clary pleaded. She didn't have to plead; Simon would've stayed anyways.

"Well, I guess I'd better get comfortable," He said, with a small smile. But what Clary didn't know, was that he was comfortable any time he was near her. As cheesy as the sentiment sounded, he meant it, he was okay as long as she was around. Clary snuggled closer to him, and in minutes was asleep. Simon held her and listened to her soft breathing before drifting off to sleep himself.