Reality check (disclaimer)-I own nothing and Shonda owns everything.

Takes place after 4.11. more like the moment Derek seemingly broke up with Meredith.

Italics: Meredith's thoughts

Flashbacks are indicated in quotation marks.

Hope you guys enjoy this and forgive me if this is too depressing to read. Just bear with it for what goes down must come up (:

It's not my fault

"Well, neither can I" With that, Meredith walked away from Derek. She had to, her mind was flooded with so many thoughts that she needed to find a space to think, to clear her head and be just fine again. Meredith had no idea where her legs were taking her until she found herself in front of the vending machine. Coffee...that was it. All she needed was coffee, something hot to keep her alert and provide her with just enough energy to focus on the more important happenings in the hospital, especially since she needed to stay with Bailey and attend to Tuck. While the machine took a while to process her order, her mind could not help but wander back to what had just happened.

Damn it. Did he have to say that How could he be so ready to give up on us? Not after saying that I'm the love of his life and that he was in it. Does he even have a hint as to what I have been doing lately? That perhaps, I have begun to yearn for the things he wanted and chase them together with him? That I wanted to take those 100 sexy steps together towards our dream house?Then again, he could not possibly know because he did not see the numerous psychology and self-help books strewn across my room. Not that he had taken the effort to talk to me in the past few days anyway.

She was jolted from her thoughts as the machine buzzed, indicating her latte was ready for collection. She pushed her thoughts aside as she sipped her beverage while making her way to Tuck and Bailey.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

It had been a long day, too much had happened. She decided sleep was the best thing...it allowed her to forget all the pain and plus, she always felt better after some rest. Yet, one hour passed and she was still tossing around in bed, wide awake in thought.

It's the coffee...coffee's the reason as to why I am awake now. Sigh, I have tried so hard, to keep him but I guess it was useless when he failed to notice the effort but then again, I did not tell him about my attempt to fix myself for him. Damn it, why did I not tell him and force him to see the changes that I have been making to my life. But even then, what happened to the connection we had when we would notice the slightest change about each other? Did I lose everything before I had even realised it

She rambled on and on before her mind gave up and finally succumbed to the tiredness she felt.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Meredith was at the nurses' station, leaning on her side filling up patients' charts. Before long, she found her mind wandering again even as she moved on to writing her post-op notes.

It's not my fault. I've tried everything. I tried to trust him but he shattered that when he chose Addison despite saying otherwise. Itried to breathe on my own but he was the one who wouldn't let me when he hovered around me so much that I had to tell him to stop. I've tried to have faith in us but what's the point when he disappoints me time and again? Even his words provide him with a back-door that allows him to walk away. Ha. So much for him being the committed one.

(flashback)

"You didn't swim and you knew how to. I don't know if I can... I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you. "

I never wanted you to breathe for me... I never asked you to. I wanted you to help me breathe, to help me stand on my own two feet again, to heal me and make me whole again. Was that too much to ask?

(flashback)

"Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? You don't understand? You're the love of my life, I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want; you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us... if you're not in this... Please. Please just end it because I can't, I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

I never left you. You were the one who left in the first place when you chose Addison over me. All this while, I have been here, waiting for you to come back to me. I do not even know why I waited for you. I just did and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being so weak when it comes to you. So if I never left in the first place, how dare you say that I am not in this?

(flashback)

"You know what I talked about to the other Grey? All these things this Grey won't let me say."

"You can say anything to me."

"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old-in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours... I want a lifetime. Mm hm. Do you see what happens? I say things like that and you fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. It's ok. I understand. I didn't and now I do. I do. You're just getting started and I've been doing this for a long time. Deep down, you're still an intern and you're not ready."

"I'm not ready right now but things could stay the way they are and I can get ready. I'll get ready."

"Things can stay the way they are. We can still meet in the elevator. The on-call room and maybe you'll be ready. You know what? I'll wait until you're ready. "

"Ok then."

"Yeah, but what if while I'm waiting... I meet someone new who is ready to give me what I want from you? "

"What if you do? "

"I don't know."

Do you have any idea how I felt after you said that? Overwhelmed. Out of the blue you say these things, yet you knew I was not ready to hear them. You knew that I have never experienced a relationship that lasted past the first quarrel so how could you possibly expect me to be ready to deal with marriage, a house and kids? Yes, I am an intern in every sense of that word. My career just started and you know how difficult it is to handle a career and relationship at the same time. You experienced it yourself with Addison when you started drifting away from her, being absent in your marriage with her and occupying yourself with work. Was I drowning myself in my work? No. I made time for you and I want this relationship to work, to last. I never want to be another Addison in your life. And for the record, not being ready never ever meant that I never wanted these things with you.

I already told you I would get ready. And you said you would wait, remember? I thought you would be happy after I told you because it would mean that we were actually moving forward towards a future we could both see for ourselves. But you barely smiled then-not the McDreamy smile that was full of love, happiness and gratitude. Not that I expected you to be thankful for what I said. But did you not sense that at the moment, I wanted the same things too?

Why did you allow yourself the possibility of finding someone who wanted the same things that you do? Do you not have faith in us? Or rather, do you not have faith in yourself, that you would not be patient enough? If you knew that I am the love of your life, you would be willing to wait an eternity because you know that there is no one else for you. So why then... why should there be someone else? Unless, you only wanted these things, and not because you wanted these things with me. Now you know why I find it so difficult to trust you? Why it is so hard to believe that I am the love of your life when you cannot guarantee what you would do if you met someone else who wants the same things as you? Why I cannot trust you when you would not even wait for me to get ready? Why I have problems trusting you, when you kiss a scrub nurse 2 days ago? Don't you know me well enough by now? How fragile and vulnerable I am? How I am so paranoid and dark and twisty? How then, are you able to dismiss that one kiss so casually and not realise how much it affects me?

Tears streaked down her face the more she thought about those painful memories. Her head hurt from all that thinking. She was no longer able to concentrate on her surroundings. Unable to write anything decent for her post-op notes anymore, Meredith dashed off to a supply closet. She resisted the urge to go to an on-call room-not when there was a chance that a certain someone might be there... even worse if He's there with you-know-who. She shuddered at that horrible thought and closed the door to the supply closet, immediately leaning against the shelf of medical supplies as she let her tears flow freely down her cheeks.

It is his fault. He made me this way. He offered hope when he should not have, promises when he was not certain he could keep (was he capable of keeping his promises?) and a future for us when he could not and was not very willing to wait. He trampled upon the broken pieces of my soul, causing it to break into smaller shards. He would build me up only to tear me down time and time again.I have tried to build myself up for him, for us. I did try. It is his fault, not mine.

It is his fault, it is all his doing. He caused all this; he is responsible for everything...that led to this and whatever happened just now. He just kept pushing me even though he knew I was not ready to take all those big steps with him.

But if it's his fault, then why does my heart hurt so much?

Her sobs continued as Meredith no longer repressed the hurt she felt. Her heart really hurts and it seemed more painful than the previous heartbreak. Was it really over for Derek and her this time? Would they be strong enough to get through this and be together again? She had no idea. Right now, everything seemed dark and prospects of Derek and Meredith ever happening again did not appear to be in sight.

Just then, the supply closet clicked and the door handle made a move. In that moment, Meredith's hand automatically went to wipe away her tears from her cheeks as her sobs stopped and she held her breadth, wondering, yet waiting to see who could be behind that door.

Author's note: Hey. Thanks for reading my first fanfic. Never thought I would write one but this just came into my head as I wanted so desperately to make things right again. This isn't really much of a story (yet); I just wanted to provide some thoughts behind Meredith and Derek's "breakup" and what they could be feeling during their emotional journey. So as you can see, Meredith is really mad at Derek. And during this period, she would move on from the initial stages of anger to guilt, regret, false hope etc. The same goes for Derek too. The whole break-up process is maybe what they need, for them to understand themselves better and to appreciate what they had. That maybe, just maybe, they would come to their senses and set their minds on making things right. So the next chapter would deal with Derek's thoughts after falling out with Meredith. It would be a long journey before Meredith and Derek end up together again but the ride, I assure you, will be worth the effort, worry and tears. Please review if you've any thoughts-let me know what you think about this chapter, what you would like to see in the next chapter and how you think this could progress...anything under the sun. Argh, I'm rambling. I'll stop now.