The Mary Sue Reports

Archivist's Notes:

The Mary Sue reports were cobbled together from a variety of sources to better understand…

OMG! Itz not "Mary Sue." Itz Maer Rae Tsu. Ya no like maer RAE tsu. Yur suppose to accent RAE. And i dont care what General Daddy calls himself i prefer "Tsu".

…understand the dynamics and variables in effect when Miss Sue (strikeout) Tsu took her apparently unauthorized trek into the pseudo-past…

Ur so lame! im Colonel Tsu.

…pseudo-past of World War II-era Germany coupled with the possibly fictitious world of what had been merely a television serial until the Tsu inserted herself into the "story" (for want of a better word) and therefore solidified that reality into a viable timeline leading directly to our own. The ramifications of which…

WTF??????!!!!!!

…ramifications of which event were only recently discovered in the Paradox Files when a lengthy—and occasionally vehement—report by one Colonel Robert E. Hogan was recently "discovered" (the Paradoxologists are currently debating this terminology with about 40 percent favoring "appeared" to explain the file's existence, while others insist it was always there). In that file were several pieces of tangible evidence of anachronisms introduced by the Tsu…

Colonel Tsu. Jerkwad.

…the Tsu (strikeout) Colonel Tsu including, but not limited to, a 128 mb flashdrive (that antiquated memory storage unit apparently being determined by Tsu to be correct for the era) with considerable recorded data on it, the contents of which are not yet fully available pending the results of the court martial of General Sue. Colonel Hogan deemed this item sufficiently important to preserve via the Allied intelligence services of his time, though no one in the era, obviously, was able to extract the data.

Other items of undisputed anachronistic characteristics were introduced by Tsu into the era, however, Colonel Hogan successfully repressed the bulk of the contamination. This Colonel Hogan's later personal wealth may be regarded as the result of gifted stock market choices rather than a fore-knowledge of market trends.

The major impact of the Mary Sue (strikeout) Maer Rae Tsu visit appears to be a persistent thread introduced into our culture of a tendency toward the insertion of precocious teenaged females into inappropriate fictional scenarios. This contamination, while widely regarded as annoying, is also mostly harmless…

Oh, puh-leeeeze!!!!!!!

…widely regarded as annoying, is also mostly harmless (strikeout).

Reconstructed event #1:

Gazing into her mirror, serenely admiring the reflection, Maer Rae Tsu considered the topaz of her eyes glittering back at her. The shade was an unusual one for eyes. Hmm… No. It didn't have the right effect. Popping out the tinted contact lenses, Maer Rae chose a new set, settling the lenses on her (otherwise rather ordinarily colored) eyes. Yes, this was it. Her eyes snapped with a vivid shade of amethyst. Narrowing her eyes, she tilted her head back and forth, checking the effect. Against her hair, a rich shade of auburn twined through with shots of spun gold ($125.50 before the tip to her color stylist), the rich violet of her eyes would tantalize any mere mortal man. Especially an ignorant, deprived fellow from the past.

After one last, admiring, glance, Maer Rae turned from her mirror to check the rest of her preparations. She was so ready. Tugging her bra (underwire with discrete enhancing gel padding) into place, she unbuttoned one more button of her snug top. Better.

Now the rest. Cell phone (with camera) in pocket. Ipod clipped to her jacket. Pocket translator (not in her pocket) hooked to her belt. Portable browser with Wikipedia bookmarked (of course!). The GPS, loaded with detailed maps of Europe, went into one pocket of her black leather jacket. Though she totally believed no one should have guns ever, a gleaming 9mm went into the other pocket.

Ready. So ready.

From the recovered narrative of Col. M. R. Tsu:

OMG! i thot id gag when i came up into barracks 2 at stalag 13! These guy evr here of deodorant??? And 'thanks for not smoking' NOT. they are soooo gonna die uv cancer if the Gestapo doesnt get them 1st.

so Kinch, hes the one who knocked me down by the tunnel treestump so the guards didnt catch me (like they wood hve!!!), so hes getting me in the tunnel and im making sure he noes i totally get how it is for him here in the past were all black people are soooo put down cuz im a woman and i haf to fight for evry thing to and therez no respect from all the old dum people cuz with there closed minds ya no? And hes all like 'yes miss yes miss' but ya no i really think he understood me and got what i was saying ya no?

From the post-war report of Colonel Robert E. Hogan, USAAF:

…situation at the time, in the last months of the war, prohibited a full report from our base at Stalag 13 to London on the appearance of the female who claimed to be an intelligence agent from the future.

The female claimed to be a nineteen-year-old American yet, when quizzed, did not even know the correct number of states in the Union ("fifty" was the number given). While this may indicate the female was not a genuine American, it defies credulity to imagine any German agent unable to answer these basic questions.

The female's accent and use of language could not be determined by myself, nor any of my team, to belong to any known region in the U.S., or any other country.

With your pardon, I fear I must depart from the language of formal reporting to accurately express the situation with which I was presented, to wit:

There was something seriously wrong with this girl just about every way possible.

Sergeant Kinchloe spotted her via our periscope near the Emergency Tunnel tree stump exit. She clearly knew about the tree stump and was about to open it. Guards were also nearing, of whose presence she seemed aware, yet at the same time almost arrogantly oblivious, as though she were immune to the guards. Faced with this imminent breach of our operation's security, Sgt. Kinchloe took immediate action (for which I commend him), tackling the female and bringing her into the tunnel.

Having had to bring her that far into our operation, no further harm could be caused by bringing her up into the Barracks, which Kinchloe did. There the female introduced herself as Colonel Mary Sue, USAF (the meaning of the acronym was never explained). Miss Sue repeatedly, and with some irritation, claimed we were mispronouncing her name, but any differences were minor.

Here I must explain something about Miss Sue's physical appearance that may make me sound mad or delusional, but my men will testify to this aberration. Miss Sue's eyes… they were not a normal human color.

From the recovered narrative of Col. M. R. Tsu:

OMG! I thot i wood melt on the spot!!!!! Just like i new it wood be. When Hogans eyes met mine he was lost! he just stared and stared into my eyes like hed just seen his future and it was luv luv luv!!!! Squeeee!!!!!!! i new it. i new it. i new it.

From the post-war report of Colonel Robert E. Hogan, USAAF:

Miss Sue's eyes were a purple color not found in nature. While I found myself immediately thinking about H. G. Wells and invasions from Mars, I think it more likely Miss Sue was the by-product of a Nazi eugenics experiment.

Her hair color was also not normal in any regard, though this was probably dyed for some unknown reason. The color and style were in no way that any fashionable woman would wear. The strangeness of her hair and clothing style did, in fact, support the claim of time travel.

She did tell us the war would end in 1945, though could not specify the date. Though she named the ending year correctly, it required no special knowledge of the future at that point. A more troubling point came with her claim of the impending use of atom bombs against the Japanese. She called them "weapons of mass destruction" but with an accurate description of the later event, correctly naming the first of the cities thus destroyed, also naming the (classified/deleted) Project. This may seem conclusive evidence of either knowledge of the future, or—more likely—indication of an enemy breach of Top Secret U.S. intelligence materials. Though Miss Sue's ignorance in wide swaths of other knowledge also contradict this.

Reconstructed event #2:

"War is never right," Maer Rae insisted stridently. "This whole thing could have been settled before it ever started."

"And how do you figure that, Miss Chamberlain?" Hogan retorted, in a tone she'd never heard from him on the TV show. And had he forgotten her name? Wasn't he supposed to be the ultimate… uh, what was the word now? Skirt chaser? Horn dog? Where was the love and adoration?

"You make peace by talking. By understanding and accepting the others' point of view. You let them know you love and care about them no matter what. Tolerance is the key," Maer Rae told him smugly.

"Tolerance," Hogan echoed.

"Ignorant tart," Newkirk muttered, though surely Maer Rae had heard him wrong. Louder he said to her, "If we'd tolerated these blighters any longer, they'd be marching all over London right now."

"And bombing New York," Hogan added, "or didn't you know the Nazis have a long-range bomber almost ready to go that can hit the States."

Maer Rae sputtered slightly trying to form her come-back. "Still there's no excuse for what was done to Dresden."

Kinchloe snorted. LeBeau looked so angry he could almost shoot lasers from his eyes.

"Dresden," Hogan repeated, sounding tired this time. "Do you know why we clobbered Dresden?"

"In a cruel, needless act of barbarism," Maer Rae snapped, "that accomplished nothing but death and destruction."

Speaking slowly, as though he thought she didn't understand English any more, Hogan said, "We destroyed Dresden as a coup de grâce. A final smashing blow to show them what we could do to them and force a surrender. To save lives, not to take them. But those bastards won't quit. They won't surrender. The Nazis—the SS—would rather see every person in Germany dead rather than surrender. They don't care about the lives of their own people, nor any others." Hogan slammed his hand down on the table. "That's what we're fighting. You can't talk to that. You can't negotiate with that. You can't 'tolerate' that. Appeasement to "settle this thing before it started" would be nothing more than turning our backs to condemn countless more people to death or enslavement. Turning our backs, that is, until the Nazis came to shoot us in them.

"No, little miss Mary Sue, hate it though we do—and we do—sometimes war is the best possible choice."

From the recovered narrative of Col. M. R. Tsu:

K… so Hogan turned out to be a big sexist creep and i nvr relly did luv him anyhow ya no? and he wears like totally to much cologne.

From the post-war report of Colonel Robert E. Hogan, USAAF:

…fortunately Newkirk had disarmed Miss Sue without her knowledge. However uncertain Kommandant Klink's leanings were at this point… correction: Kommandant Klink's leanings at this point in early 1945 were not at all uncertain. I had to stop him from surrendering the camp to me several times when it was still far too early for him to have done so. At that, even Klink would have called the Gestapo to take Miss Sue away had she been caught waving a gun around as she smart-mouthed and insulted him. As it was, her attempts at martial arts were easily subdued by Sergeant Schultz who carried her off to a cell in the cooler. I convinced the Kommandant to wait to call Major Hochstetter, telling him that she was a valuable alien from Mars. Klink seemed to think I'd gone mad, then scrutinizing one of Miss Sue's devices still spewing bad German translations, decided to play along until I could come up with something better to explain her presence.

Reconstructed event #3:

Hogan and Kinchloe huddled over the small collection of "alien" devices Newkirk had snatched from the kommandant's safe. LeBeau, Carter, and Newkirk pressed in over their shoulders, trying to see the screen of the tiny walkie-talkie ("cell"-something) Miss Sue told them also took pictures.

"This is clearly the lens," Hogan said. He pointed the device at Kinchloe who nervously leaned back out of the way.

"Please, Sir," Kinchloe protested, "it might shoot death rays rather than take photographs.

"Good point," Hogan allowed, aiming at a storage locker. The device flashed brightly. Peering, the men made awed sounds over the crisp image appearing on the miniature screen. Heaving a breath, Hogan exchanged a significant look with Kinchloe.

"Quiet," Hogan said shortly, cutting off the excited chatter. Handing the device to Carter, he said, "Take that to the lab and see if you can print the photograph. If it works, this could be something useful."

Carter balanced the walkie-talkie on a gloved palm. "Uh, Colonel… How?"

"I don't know, Carter. Figure it out."

"Yes, Sir," Carter said in a tone that promised no results.

Hogan turned back to the other devices. The one called "Ipod", which had been clipped to Miss Sue's shirt, produced nothing but horrific noises. It supported, in Hogan's opinion, the alien theory of Miss Sue's origin. He assigned LeBeau and Newkirk to search its contents, preferably far away from him. To Kinchloe he gave the "GPS" which mournfully informed them that it didn't know where it was. As head of an intelligence service at risk, Hogan found it comforting that the tracking device claimed not to know its location. By poking his finger at various images on the screen, Kinchloe got it to show him some brightly colored maps. He retreated to a desk by the radio room to compare these phantom maps to their own, real maps.

For himself, Hogan settled down to puzzle out the remaining device. Its screen came on, as Miss Sue had shown him, but she, too, had seemed puzzled over its failure to show her "sights" she expected to see. What sights, he wondered, considering it might interact with the unhappy map device. While trying to dismiss all this folderol surrounding this crazy girl as nothing more than the sort of tale he'd spin to fool the Krauts, Hogan couldn't help thinking maybe, just maybe, there was something to this alien from the future notion after all.

Picking up the only non-powered gadget, a small, flat, silver oblong, Hogan studied its end, comparing it to what appeared to be a connection port in the "sight" device. Flash-something, Miss Sue had called it. Flash-Sight. That might make a pairing. Hogan pressed the Flash into the Sight. He jumped as the screen suddenly seemed pleased with him, showing new little images. With a finger, Hogan probed at the pictures and suddenly found almost literal gold. Page after page of information began to appear to him. Even as he began to put together a picture of the history of the future, Hogan realized could never mention nor share any of this information for fear of changing that future. Though, he was sure, just taking a peek at who won—would win—the '46 World Series wouldn't hurt anyone. And if he happened to place a bet on that Series, well, one little bet wouldn't change anything… Hey, was stock market history, um… stock market future, in this thing?

When LeBeau and Newkirk passed by, yawning, saying their device had ceased to function, Hogan nodded vaguely. Only a few words of what might be songs were intelligible, they reported. The rest was "nothing but noise," though they allowed it might be a new form of Gestapo torture.

Kinchloe dropped the now-disassembled "GPS" down beside Hogan's hastily closed notebook. It, too, was dead, so he saw no harm in taking it apart. Kinchloe said he knew of no technology that could produce such tiny electronic gadgets with no vacuum tubes. If this was Nazi work, the war may not be on the verge of ending at all. The maps, themselves, bore only a partial resemblance to their current maps. He had made extensive notes on what might be significant items, however.

Hogan's own Pandora's box faded a few hours later, at a point in which Hogan stared glumly at a screen talking about the inauguration of President Truman on April 12, 1945. Well, that day he'd know for certain if this magic box from the future spoke the truth or not. Thinking of President Roosevelt, he most sincerely hoped it was all nothing but an extraordinary trick.

Pulling the flash unit from the device, Hogan turned it over and over, studying it. Hearing Carter approaching from the direction of the lab, he tucked the flash into his pocket.

"Yes, Carter, what is it?" Hogan asked when he saw Carter's hang-dog face.

"I tried, Colonel," Carter said, holding out his hand. Fragments rested on his palm. "I just can't find any film in this thing. I even used my microscope."

"It's all right, Carter," Hogan assured him. "Just put the pieces down here." Glancing down at the no longer functioning devices from the (maybe) future in front of him, Hogan considered them. Kinchloe had concluded they were electrical in nature, which meant possibly they could apply power to them and bring them back to life. But, should he?

Leaning back, Hogan folded his arms across his chest and pondered. Carter waited patiently beside him.

"Okay, Carter," Hogan said abruptly when his decision was made, "I need a blowtorch and some sulfuric acid. Lots of sulfuric acid." He called after Carter, "And fireworks!"

From the recovered narrative of Col. M. R. Tsu:

so he like gets me dumped in the cooler and belive u me it is COLD and then just nuthing. i tried to get the tunnel open and totally ruined my nails and evrything trying to get that block out of the wall and it wood not cum out. so then Schultz shows up with food or so he says thats what it was ALL CARBS like r they trying to make me fat?

then after like 4evr Hogan shows up (i new hed come!) and hes dumping something on the floor that smells gawdawful and makes smoke and whats that i say and he goes its sulfearic acid. Like whatevr.

i m so dun here with these ignerent primitives but maybe not kinch cuz we r BFFs ya no?

From the post-war report of Colonel Robert E. Hogan, USAAF:

I regret the necessity of destroying the items from "the future". They were melted with a blowtorch and returned to Klink's safe. That coupled with the evidence in the cooler that the "alien" had disintegrated (sulfuric acid scoring the floor), supported by a series of bottle rockets to simulate the 'death ray' of the spaceship, and Klink was willing to forget he'd ever heard of Miss Mary Sue.

The decision to destroy the objects was due to the peril of the Nazis discovering and making use of the technology. In those waning days of the war our operation was in ever-greater danger of discovery, with it impossible to send the items to London as our previous land-routes were cut by changing battle lines. I deemed it impossible to ensure the security of these objects. The remaining object I preserved—the 'flash' device—seemed small enough that I could quickly destroy it if necessary. I'm sure Allied scientists will be able to extract the information, given time.

Of Miss Sue… Her exact fate is unknown. An untimely visit from Major Hochstetter, who was growing more persistent in his pursuit of me, kept us from entering the tunnels for several days. Though she had been secured, Miss Sue managed to free herself and vanished.

Archivist's Note:

Unfortunately (strikeout) To our great relief, Colonel Maer Rae Tsu returned safely to our now deeply warped (strikeout) slightly altered time.

The End