Every season held a special significance that harbored fond memories for Cana, signifying not only the shift in the weather but also the preparation of centuries of rituals humanity divulged in time and time again. It assured the woman that even if everything in the world seemed to go wrong, nature would continue on without them, never changing despite humanity's constant meddling, especially those with magic. One could try to forestall the coming season- she was pretty sure someone had once tried in some foolish attempt to keep the warmer climate during winter from declining- but nature would inevitably thwart any attempts. To stave off the coming winter was to temper fate itself, and though she knew without a doubt many had tried in the past, she was certain they had long since perished in the backlash that came with nature's unforgiving fury.
Each season was special, but winter was perhaps the most enduring season that was kept close to her heart.
Though every season deserved her unwavering respect, winter was a time to prepare for the harsh bite of it's harsh chill and was to where she paid her due. To survive the cold was to wait out and pray your supplies held out for the long months; being a mage certainly helped, but it was not always practical to rely on magic alone. Even the most seasoned wizard could be caught in a blizzard and freeze to death if they were not careful, and Cana knew most of all that to survive, you collected what warmth was available to you when it was within grasp.
Winter certainly made a stronger woman out of her, though it was not the only thing that made her fond of its aesthetic.
Cana held a healthy reverence for the seasons, all four were given her silent homage, which was as close to 'spiritual' as she came if she was being honest. Each season held a significance for the card mage that was instilled by her mother; Cornelia did not leave this plain without teaching her daughter the importance of the seasons and honoring them. Whether they were spirits or whatever such being, Cana couldn't guess for certain, but she kept her mother's knowledge close to her heart. That it was the only connection tying her to her mother wasn't lost on Cana, so therefore it became a tradition for Cana to come to the cathedral.
Every spring, summer, fall and winter was spent briefly at Father Block's church visiting the orphans and sparing any gifts that were brought, most especially during the lonely holiday times when celebrating often encompassed family. Cana knew too keenly how lonely it was without family, especially during a time in a child's life when family was needed. For her, growing up without kin and finding out that your father was a powerful mage- and ace- of Fairy Tail was a lonely ache for Cana as a child. Though she loved her guildmates dearly, as close to family as she they were, the terrible grief of losing her mother, coupled by Gildarts unawareness of knowing her as his daughter was a sore insecurity that shut her out of enjoying the feasting and festivity of the guild.
She recalled a past folly, of passing out in an alley, drunk from her previous venture of bars in the attempt to subdue the melancholy of her past failures when Lucy had stumbled upon her and rushed her to her house, ushering her to bathe her and clothe her in warm clothes and hot drinks. That day she was vulnerable, her emotions strained with the looming event that signified her greatest hope and despair. She could claim that she was still drunk, but her fragile state had stripped her bare of the blocks placed around her person, leaving her heart and soul bare to the stellar mage.
It was the first time she ever told anyone about her father.
Not even he knew, but she suspected at some point she would have told him in time. She was quite sure that he suspected a connection, given her odd melancholy during the S-Class Promotional Trial. Though now she supposed it was moot, she mused as her breath expelled, creating a cloud to puff past her lips like smoke. Her stance against the cathedral walls was solid and cold against her back as she stared up at the sky, watching as the first touch of winter blanketed the sky with steely blue-grey clouds, a sure sign of snow to come.
Twilight had touched Magnolia's skies, dusting the canvas with sunburst shades of light, an array of reds and oranges that faded in an ombre, receding into the cooler tones of pink, purple and blue. The snowfall that began after the sun began to die past the horizon was a rare beauty she never took much pleasure in observing, but with her time free from her own sense of duty, she took the moment to watch as the night began to bleed across Fiore.
Cana didn't want to go home yet, nor did the walk to Fairy Tail have any appeal to the card mage. Having completed her ritual at the church, she was left with too much time on her hands, and certainly enough to do. Yet she stayed. As cold as it was, she found peace in the gentle powder that fell in tranquil candescence upon the road and foliage surrounding the church. It was the first snowfall since waking from the sphere of magic that put the contestants of Tenrou Island in their seven year stasis. Seven years of season's missed while sleeping in the gentle comfort of Mavis's protective spell-
Seven years to wonder if she would remain in her own unchanging stasis, of whether she would ever move forward.
Her dreams weren't all that grand, simply built by one desire: for Gildarts to recognize her. Her admiration and reverence of her father had set the course for her to become the very best mage possible. It was the driving force that kept her going and the only motivation that kept her despair at bay. Thinking back, she knew how foolish her younger self had been- she was honest with herself on that regard, when she years ago when her life slowly became a constant state of waking with a keen sense of hopelessness, of frustration and doubt. But most of all, regret.
Gods above did she have many regrets. Regret for not telling him the truth the moment he met her. Of letting her insecurity and fear being the thing that held her back from having the family, the one thing robbed of her young life. The same uncertainty and doubt ruining her chance to have Gildarts in her life as not just a respected and admired mage, but as a man she could call her father .
It was worse when Cana knew, years too late, that Gildarts had wanted her in her life all along, that he accepted her as herself . Knowing that he found her worthy, the knowledge broken by the built emotion felt through her youth was a keen thing indeed.
It gave her hope- and perhaps some trepidation- that maybe being Cana Alberona was enough. She was enough to earn her father's respect and admiration- to be worthy enough to be called his daughter.
And here she was, lost in the bittersweet musing of her past under the twilight's gentle powder of snowfall, and she had no damn clue why this sudden thought struck her so deeply.
This type of weather always left Cana feeling nostalgic, leaving her particularly vulnerable to the keen loneliness that gripped her. Reminiscing the seven years lost to her seemed out of character to the lush, yet she couldn't help but draw a comparison of the weather of now to the one in the past. The cold often snuck up and seemed determined to bare her emotionally, weathering.
It was almost too painful to bare sometimes.
Cana kept up her appearance in the guild; she played the drunken tease, the mysterious and aloof soothsayer with a keen eye for fishing out nuances of anyone's life and painting them a possibility for a future. That was her, the drunk, the fool, the tease, the flirt- but never anything more than beyond her role. She could only show pieces of herself- fragments, like the cards she carried, it only showed what one wanted to see. They never bothered to ask what the meaning was- what was beyond her careful facade.
No one did.
(Accept him .)
And that was just it wasn't it? Few would ever suspect the card mage to desire even a shred of hope for even the possibility of a future. A future where she was happy, where she was living her life to the fullest (or at the very least to the best that she gave for herself), with nothing holding her back and no one tethering her to a complacent existence.
A future that she hoped (daringly, desperately, foolishly -) to share with another.
She canted her face upward to the heavens as a bitter smile twisted her lips killed that gleaming hope before it took root. Her love life was pretty much common knowledge among her guildmates; that she 'got around' and held romance with an aloofness that sometimes bordered upon cruel. Though the truth was different from the preconceptions that were held by her guildmates, she didn't bother correcting them. Why bother? For as much as she loved her kin, she knew their meddling nature often bereft disaster for those with the misfortune (and she certainly wasn't thinking about the demon who maintained her post at the bar) of earning their attentions.
As disappointed and bitter as she was (-in herself most of all) about her lackluster love life, Cana learned to be content with herself after many disappointing and short flings that built up her rather inaccurate reputation as a heartbreaker. She was alone for most of her life, independent and headstrong in her will to forge her own path and make her own choices, whatever the consequences that came with it. Cana lived knowing what was needed for her own survival, what was deemed necessary to keep her going; that she settled for no less than what her partner was willing to give was a mere happenstance. That she found no one worthy enough to match her fire for fire was something she learned to let go early on in her adolescence.
Another twist of her lips deepened her mouth into a frown. As dejected as Cana was, it was unusually for her thoughts to stray to that aspect of her life. She tried not to think too hard about her relationships, or lack thereof- especially given that it only seemed to bring her thoughts toward a subject she rather not pry too deeply into.
Fate being the (- sneaky, conniving, damnable son of a bitch -) clever trickster, seemed intent on digging deep those thoughts- and long forgotten, buried feelings- to the surface; whilst she lingered, her expression likely looking troubled and lost, Cana failed to sense the approaching figure, their presence close enough for her to catch the flash of a familiar green coat and glint of rings that adorned very distinctive calloused hands. It wasn't until she caught the familiar scent of cologne, an expensive but mellow blend that she knew only one man ever wore.
The last light faded, the end of civil twilight had reached its journey and Cana, having started to shiver from the cold and the unbidden memories that were wrought from her thoughts, began to lean away from the stone wall and begin her trek into town. Perhaps she'd stop by the guild for some warm ale before heading home.
"Well isn't this a surprise."
She nearly staggered back, jerking her head up to the husky (-she could almost feel the fond caress that laced his tone, that nestle against her like a living thing, something intimate and knowing -) tenor of his voice, her eyes widening as they met a set of blue tinted spectacles that filtered his hazel eyes. There was only one man that wore those familiar shades.
"And here I thought I'd be the only one out tonight. Looks like you had the same thing in mind." He stood only a few feet from where she was, yet the depth of space seemed much closer to Cana, as if he were purposely being ostentatious (oh that she had no doubt-) and strove to tether her senses to their (stubbornly ignored ) natural attraction. Her traitorous, not-suppose-to-be-fluttering-heart hammered a rapid staccato, beating so loud in her ears she was worried he could hear it. In fact she could nearly swear he could hear it, and he merely just stood there, smiling and waiting for her acknowledgment. The attempt to swallow was difficult while he continued to stand there in front of her, his expression a cross between amusement and something fond - and she shifted her gaze to his shoulders to distract herself from that look.
Something in her expression earned one corner of his lip to curl high into a flirtatious smirk, a gesture that was bereft of humility, instead it showed the clear teasing that was once familiar between them.
"It's good to see you again Cana," greeted Loke warmly, his stance shifting to greet her. From a glance he seemed to exude an arrogance that was wonted to his character- he knew he looked good, his suave confidence had earned him the reputation as a seasoned womanizer. It was a persona that hardly ever left him, yet beneath the debonair tomcat, Cana saw the genuine emotion that lurked behind his shades. He cocked an eyebrow as he observed her form, taking in the soft dust of snowflakes scattered along her dark tresses, a reminiscent likeness to the stars that blanketed the night. He looked almost pleased by what he saw- it certainly devastated her heart rhythm with how he looked at her, and it thrilled her yet made her feel anxious.
"Loke..." she murmured, still refusing to look him in the eyes; pausing a moment to flick her tongue out and wet her lips, ignoring how his eyes fixated on the slight movement. She wouldn't look into that response, or what it meant. She couldn't . Instead she shifted her jacket closer towards her body, drawing as much warmth as she could while icy fog billowed past their parted lips. "I thought you were back in the spirit world." she began, feigning to appear casual while fighting her body's response to shiver from more than the cold. "What are you doing here? Did- did something happen-"
Already she was spiraling out of control, all with little effort, all from simply being in proximity of Loke. She hated the catch in her throat, the needy, desperate part of her that vied for him, like she was one of his entourage of girlfriends that clung to him like creeping vines. It disgusted her how she felt her cheeks blush hot along her skin, though despite the cold air, she knew her reaction wasn't due to the temperature. Where the hell did her aloofness go? How could just remembering him and then suddenly having his presence thrust into her space reduce her to a blithering idiot? It wasn't fair. Her reaction towards this man- the lion spirit was a primal action from a time long ago.
A time when they had once been together.
Before they became lovers, they had been fighting partners. It was natural for her to know her partner- it was all but necessary for her, something she never bargained with while out on jobs, especially ones where the likelihood of a fight was all but expected. Loke was hesitant, perhaps because he had only been a member of the guild less than a year, yet when the time for battle came, he had stepped up to the plate and delivered- and more, to her surprise. His skill in mage was good, though he seemed more physically oriented by how he approached a fight, how he utilized his body for close quarters combat fascinated her.
They worked well together and got along better than expected. It wasn't rare for her to get along with her partner's while out on a job, yet with Loke, she could relax more and be herself. It was easier to laugh, the sound much more genuine when he joked and flirted with her, and she never found his advances annoying or crase. He held a distinctive class that wasn't found in the men she had dated before, her tastes ranging on fickle and rather cheap. Yet he was patient, kind and just so charming , yet held a unique sense of humor that she understood easily.
That he was popular with other woman was a given, though she honestly could say that she wasn't envious, but she never let his philandering bother her. Because he was different with her.
With her, he could let go of being the debonair tomcat and be more at ease; with her, his smile was more natural, his laugh pulled easily and effortlessly without pretending to hold his 'friends' interest. With her, Loke was as much himself as she was with him.
Respect and easy friendship were what drew them together, yet the underlying attraction made their partnership into something more. And it was the happiest Cana had ever been in so long, it was freeing .
Not many knew how close they became and it was decided between them both that they wished to keep their relationship (or lack thereof one) between themselves. It benefited them both, leaving them to pursue their own goals without attachments holding them back. Cana had been consumed with the desire to win, to become an S-Class mage and earn the right to stand beside her father, and to perhaps one day confess her secret in a grand gesture that would show him that she was worthy to be his daughter. There was no room for a serious romance in her life.
But Loke had been a welcome distraction, an embrace that held her as she escaped her failures and fears when the whiskey wasn't enough and fights couldn't curb the tide of her despair. He had become her anchor, her small shelter of peace that she treasured without him ever knowing him and who and what he was. To her it didn't matter. His unmentioned past never bothered her when they were together and she never asked. They never divulged anything personal between them, had never established that step in their relationship. Yet she couldn't help but notice as the months went on, how ashen he would look; his complexion strained, withered, as if he suffered an agony she could scarcely imagine. His pain echoed inside her, as if he were haunted by ghosts that only he could see, and she wished to somehow erase what caused his silent affliction.
What lay unspoken, their own unvoiced doubts and insecurities and fears, was what eventually drove the wedge between them.
And then she learned of what he truly was, and the knowledge that he didn't trust her- when he could trust her to guard his back, when shetrusted him to safeguard her own emotional state- completely tore her. It hurt worse to find he could tell his past to Lucy (sweet and kind and caring, who never knew him like she did-), yet he never thought to confide to Cana, was a pain that made her chest ache and throat close over tears that she refused to shed. Yet she couldn't claim she didn't understand. After all, she never told him about Gildarts.
She never spoke with him again, and it was that last year, that final chance to prove she could become S-Class that was the first she wanted to simple stop . For so long she relied on Loke as her support, as her pillar of strength when she was at her dangerous low. Yet Cana knew she couldn't rely on him. Not anymore.
Not ever.
And now here he stood, casual as could be even under the snowfall; in his familiar coat and glasses, the smell of his cologne bringing back unwanted memories that she kept stubbornly behind the locked doors her heart, it was a direct hit, a deliberate sabotage to her senses. It ached to look at him, to be near him and know, in the deepest, secreted part of her heart, that she wanted him for her own, and could never be with him like she wanted.
"Lucy summoned me for a job, but it turned out I wasn't needed," he said with a wry grin. "So I decided to walk around and familiarize myself with everything." His smile went soft again, in that curl that spoke of knowing fondness that hurt to look at. "I never imagined I'd see you again..." he said lowly, a murmur that made her eyes close tight to fight the longing and the threatening tears of knowing what was denied from her.
That sobered her a little, allowing her to firm her features and look him in the eye. "Well," she began while shifting, leaning away from the wall to begin her walk home, telling herself she was leaving because it was cold and not from fleeing his presence. "It's none of my business either way. I'm glad you got to be here again."
Why didn't you tell me? Her mind cried out. Why didn't you trust me to keep your secret? Didn't you know I would have done anything to help you? Didn't you know how I felt about you?
Didn't you know how much I care about you?
Didn't you know I loved you?
It was too much, all of it- him, the snow falling around them outside the church, the sentimentality that she was bound by, the look in his eyes that whispered an emotion that lay unspoken between them.
She couldn't- she couldn't-
"I missed you."
Shock set her features frozen, her body pausing from its escape attempt as the words that she had longed to hear for so long were suddenly spoken. Her jaw slackened, parting her lips while she stared, her eyes wide as they trained on the man standing before her-
At least he felt like a man in her arms, when they embraced in nothing but flesh and hushed whispers, reverent praises and sweet nothings that begged her heart to accept, to open to him and everything he was-
"I-I-" Panic set in, leaving her shivering, her body racked with violent tremors that overwhelmed her. Her eyes had a trapped, wild look that gave Loke a start and he must have read something in them because he started getting closer -
"Stop!"
He froze as she fought to recover and build the wall of distance between them, to shield and hide her loneliness and longing behind her own facade. Anything to keep herself from falling apart . Her breaths were hitched, each take was painful yet grounding. Eventually she stopped shaking, though she moved further away from him taking small steps to add distance between them. It was no use. The weight of it all- all the emotion trapped inside her threatened to suffocate her, her panic instilled in her triggered her instinct to flee .
She muttered a short apology (it was an excuse, words to save face, to keep him at a distance, so long as he stayed away ), not seeing the narrow look that observed her too keenly before she turned and ran . It didn't matter that her mind screamed at her for being such a fucking coward , it didn't matter that she wanted to turn back around and run into his arms and hold him- none of those things she could ever do. It hurt. It hurt.
Because gods she missed him too .
She missed him so badly that she thought she would have died , she missed him so much during the long, solitary days spent with only her barrel and the people surrounding her made her want to cry. Cana would have given anything , done anything to see him again and tell him- tell him-
Tell him what?
That she loved him? That she wanted to be with him? Impossible. She wanted to laugh, if she wasn't already close to screaming her anguish. That she loved him was already confusing enough- to find that he was a spirit and by most people's definition not human , well...she really knew how to pick men.
God it hurts...
Eventually she could run no more, her sprint slowed until she almost stopped her movement to a shuffling walk. Once she was sure that she ran long enough that she was a fair distance away, her surroundings were near the river, a few blocks from Strawberry Street, her pants expelling more cold smoke from her lips illuminated by a nearby street lamp, she hunched her shoulders, curling her body in-
And let the tears come.
Cana never allowed herself a moment to cry, always striving to be strong and smart, to be level-headed when it mattered and never let emotions rule her in matters that didn't involve the guild or her guildmates. Strong mages don't cry. Her father never cried. But the gates had been battered, threatening to spill and if she had stayed near Loke, she would have surely fled into his arms like she wanted to, seeking his strength and comfort just like before. She could not allow that. Her pride refused to accept it. Her heart would have only bled more if she did.
She covered her hand over her mouth to stifle the worst of her sobs that rose, making them sound strangled. Tortured. It mirrored exactly how she felt. Cana knew at the end of this night she wouldn't be able to go to the guild, not with her fragile state. Too many questions and concerned eyes would have probed and prodded her for answers she couldn't give. Even her urge to drink was blanketed by her sorrow, though such a comfort would have done more harm than good.
She was so focused on keeping her whimpers contained- on keeping the writhing pain of her emotions in check and under control- that she never heard the pound of footsteps behind her, the heavy male pants that were a few feet from her.
"Cana!"
Her sobs were choked back as those sudden footsteps approached quickly,(- no oh no oh god no please don't look don't look please - ) before she was yanked roughly around and pulled into a strong embrace.
"Dammit Cana." Loke growled- actually growled - as his arms tightened around her as she fought him, struggling against his embrace to flee , tohide from him so she could let her heart break in solace and avoid his questions. Yet she stilled when he continued to tighten his hold, not hurting her- never to hurt her- but she knew he wouldn't let her go.
Being pushed into the fur lining of his coat was a soft reprieve from the biting cold. The trim absorbed her tears and felt supple against her cheek. Familiar hands gently cradled the back of her head and kept her to his chest, their fingers gently threading in her hair flexing, as if her distress agitated him and he wished to soothe; whether to trap or comfort her, Cana couldn't say. She was too busy shivering from crying to tell. Or maybe it was the cold?
Damn it, maybe she did need a drink after all.
It was a little disorientating for her, a little hard for her to think when her face was pressed against him. After awhile she made a noise that seemed to break the protective spell Loke was under, and allowed her to move away a little. He didn't let her leave his embrace- and she didn't want to leave, as much as she told herself she had too. The comfort he offered freely was just too tempting to take, and Cana still felt raw from his revelation.
"I-" He seemed to struggle with himself, for he kept opening his mouth several times, as if the words he wished to say alluded him. Cana merely waited while blinking away the tears that clouded her vision, sniffling slightly at the snot that leaked from her nose.
Finally, he sighed and looked down at her. The sound echoed a pain felt like her own, a hurt that answered her own.
"Look at me."
She answered by pressing her face to his chest and shaking her head 'no'.
"Cana..." he pleaded, sighing softly, while the fingers of his right hand resolved to trace patterns along her back, creating a soothing rhythm that untangled her nerves one by one, until her heart slowed to a steady beat and her tears stopped flowing. His left hand still cradled her hair, tangling in the thick tresses. "Will you tell me what I did to make you cry?"
She choked again, though a part of her wanted to laugh. If only it were that simple.
Instead she sighed. "I'm fine." she murmured, so low that she felt him shift closer to hear her. "I'm just...I've got some baggage that has me feeling all sentimental and-" She trailed off to pull away slightly, sniffing a little before looking at him.
"I'm just being dumb." she said simply, wincing slightly at how false it sounded.
He stood holding her silently, his expression carefully blank while he stared into her eyes. Nerves prickled in unease at his stare, as if he was reading her carefully, looking for any untruth her words contained.
"Just being dumb , huh?" Loke said flatly. He didn't bother to hide his skepticism, nor to disguise the anger that her words wrought forth. "So when I tried getting close to you, you running away like hell was nipping your ass was just you being ' dumb '?" He frowned darkly at her as his hands shifted to hold each arm and pulled her closer to his chest. "Is that why when you looked at me, you looked like an animal trapped in cage?" He clenched his jaw. "' Just being dumb '? Cana, you have never been the type of woman to suffer fools, yet you say you're being a fool now? Bullshit!"
"I know when I'm being lied to Cana," he said, the rage in his tone startling Cana enough that she merely gaped at him. "I know when you better than you know yourself and I know you don't cry just from simple baggage . Now I may be a lousy womanizer, but I would never intentionally seek to hurt you." He softened his tone as his left hand lifted to cradle her cheek, the rage draining at how cupping her face so she would avoid his eyes and the pain that showed in their depths. "I would know how I hurt you," he said. "So that I may correct my foolish mistake. Your tears are a punishment for me Cana, so please...tell me."
"Loke..." she began, then faltered. What could she say? It was a struggle for her to even accept the lie she swallowed- how could she expect him to believe her and let her be? Especially when he seemed so intent on making her listen to him, whether she wanted to or not.
Idiot. A fond part of her admonished her. You'd never allow anyone else to command you, yet you're letting him get away with it?
"I was thinking about back then...at the island..." At Tenrou . "...and how much had happened." Cana paused, a moment of indecision crossing her features before finally she continued. "You never told me." She saw his confusion, then realization made his mouth tighten with strain.
She didn't have time to look too deeply into that, because he spoke again, pulling her back to his own distress.
"I know what I did. Back then- everything was so crazy," She knew then what he referred to, to the time after Phantom Lord attacked their guild and threatened to destroy her family. Before he suddenly left them- left her .
"Yeah," she said. "I remember. Loke...we were all worried about you." I was worried about you, idiot.
"I know...I should have told you. I should have told you from the very beginning, when we were just starting to become serious..." He spoke like the words pained him, the regret bleeding into his tone, the sorrow building left her heart answering with her own aching echo. "I was scared Cana- I was a fucking coward," Loke confessed, his expression shifted to disgust and anger- at himself more than likely. "I was dying, but I never bothered to tell you- to tell anyone because...because I felt I didn't deserve to be mourned."
He shook his head at the sound of protest that spilled from her lips, his hands gentling, shifting from their harsh hold to a half-hug.
"I killed her." He whispered. "I killed Karen, and for that sin alone I deserved to die...I deserved to fade and be forgotten..."
"No!" This time she wouldn't hear it. Cana wouldn't let him think like that, damn him! Didn't he know how many lives he touched? Didn't he care about what his death would have done to others? To her ?
"Dammit Loke stop blaming yourself!" Careless, careless- she didn't even know what had happened, yet none of that mattered. None of it mattered to her- his past, his deeds, all of it even in the face of what he was now didn't matter a damn to her. "From what Lucy told me, you weren't even aware she died. Karen was a mage- she should have known her own limitations and she chose to ignore them- and that got her killed."
"It wasn't your fault Loke," she said gently. He merely stared at her, the weariness in his expression making him appear older than his apparent youth. "What happened was only a result of choice. Karen chose her path. She had other choices, other ways that would have been better for her. But in the end the choice she made cost her her life."
Cana faltered a little and bit her lip. "You know that Gildarts is my father." At his wide-eyed stare she gave him a small smile. "Yeah. He and mom...they loved each other. But he still chose to leave my mom behind to wander, I guess. That was his choice. It meant that my mother was left alone to raise me until she died- and he never knew he had a daughter." She gave a soft laugh. "I used to think how different things would have been if I had pushed mom to write to him. To tell him to come home. But I never understood why she waited, even after she passed. I guess I'll never know. But Gildarts...he still loves her I think. He regrets not being with her and not meeting me, to be in my life when I was a kid, but, that was his choice."
"I'm saying this to you so you understand that even though the choices of others affect us, it doesn't mean they are what decide what's best forus." Cana then looked up and stared into Loke's eyes as she continued to speak. "You deserve to live Loke. You deserve a chance at life, at living whatever path you want, and fuck anyone else that says otherwise."
They stood together, silently watching one another as Loke mulled over her passionate assertion. He seemed unaware that he still held her close, though she felt him keenly, and wished to remain like this. He gave a nod after a while, a small smile tugging his lips before sighing.
"Thank you."
She nodded. "Yeah." Not wanting to lapse into silence, she shifted before clearing her throat. "Um...I'm okay now, so- so you can, uh, let go."
"Why?" To further punctuate his question he circled his arms around her middle, keeping her still while leaving enough room to break from his hold. He looked at her in question, and her resolve faltered.
"Why?" he repeated. "Be honest Cana- it wasn't just the past that had you running scared. There was more."
Her heart beat faster suddenly at the implication, as if he knew the true source of her distress. This was territory that she did not want to venture into. She was still scrambling to recover from her outburst and now with no easy means of escape. Nevermind that she didn't want to leave his embrace for the cold isolation of her home.
Even as she struggled with the war between her head and her heart, Loke waited in patient silence. The snow still fell in a gentle powder, gathering atop their heads and shoulders, though they were both lost in each other's company to notice such details. The streets were calm, locking the couple in a bubble of peace, as if the universe was giving them this time to reach reconciliation.
If there was anything Cana knew, it was to take the chance given and seize the moment before it was too late.
Though her doubts surged to the peek of her thoughts, Loke's presence was solid and warm, a beacon that helped her weather the storm that coiled inside her. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have ran after her, nor would he have bothered to talk with her, to explain and soothe the lingering doubts unbidden inside her.
He deserved her honesty, even if it meant taking a risk that would shatter her heart if he rejected her.
"Yeah, there is."
A breath was taken and then slowly, quietly, she let the air out until her nerves settled. Cana raised cleared blue's to meet his unwavering hazel, who met her gaze unflinchingly and with earnest attention. She wouldn't run from that trust. Even if Cana came out of this hurting, she wouldn't regret what they had. She would always go to him as a friend, if nothing else.
It was all she could do.
"I'm in love with you Loke- I have been since we became partners."
Silence permeated their surrounding forms as the wind picked up, swirling their bodies in cold and snow before the moment passed. Their breaths were heavy with warm condensation punctuated by the chilled air. Noises from outside blared on, unhindered to their moment of private drama. All of life went on around Cana, and yet she did not expect his response.
He smiled and gave a shout of joy before he took her, crushing her to his chest and twirled her around, laughing and grinning and she couldn't help but grin and join in his laughter. They were both dizzy, delirious with the release of her confession, and she felt her heart soar. He finally stopped, carefully setting her down upon the ground gently before he cupped both her cheeks, his thumbs swiping tenderly at the dried streaks against her cheeks, tears that only now seemed so foolishly shed.
Loke lowered his face to hers- slowly, making his intention clear for her refusal if she wished- before settling his lips against hers. His hand gently tilted her head up so that his mouth was slanted against hers, the changing degree of the kiss bringing an unsung passion that had often been exchanged between them in the past. Yet this kiss was different than the ones from before. His kiss held no doubts, no secrets or hidden despair; he took his time in unspoken worship , carefully cradling her in his hands as he traced his tongue along the seam of her lips, questioning-
Begging .
Cana opened her mouth and she wished she kissed him sooner ; gods above he was an excellent kisser. He spared no expense in sliding his tongue inside her, marking her, claiming nearly every side of her mouth, as if to memorize her flavor, her texture. No one in her life has ever kissed her with such attention, and any comparison would have been put to shame.
Cana in turn met his tongue, a shy caress that quested for entrance of her own- and he allowed it, encouraging her with a slick slide of his tongue against her own. It was dizzying- she could scarcely keep up with the ferocity of their unbridled ardor. Even while she panted for breath in between breaks from their kiss, she went for more.
Years of longing, the uncertainty of her feelings acting as the wedge between them, of pining and self-confusion made her desperate to connect with Loke, to show him in deed as well as in word the genuinity of her feelings- of her love. Gods.
"Spirits- I-" This time he broke the kiss, taking deep breaths of air, his temple resting against hers as they both took a moment of quiet to calm themselves; the temperature between them much hotter despite how cold it was. It occurred to Cana that they had been making out, out in the open not far from where Lucy lived. The knowledge that someone could walk in on them gave the lush a curious thrill, and she grinned suddenly.
"That looks mischievous ." Loke remarked with a quirked brow, a slight smirk tugging the corner of his lip.
"I was just thinking that someone could see us," she admitted. "And I was kinda- well very - excited by that. About someone seeing us. Kiss." Cana finished lamely, a flush staining her tanned skin with dusted pink. "I- shit - what the hell are we doing Loke?"
"Hopefully something ." He gave a crooked grin and a wink to let show exactly what he meant.
Cana snorted. "Pervert ."
He merely grinned, yet the expression never betrayed the tender touch of his hands lightly brushing aside the tendril of hair behind her ear. "Me too."
"What?" She asked in confusion, too focused on his gesture and how sweetly he touched her to catch what the meaning of his words were.
"I love you."
Her heart hammered loudly in her ears suddenly. "W-what?"
Loke chuckled- she wanted to hit him for his teasing, the jerk- and swiped his thumb against her cheeks. "I love you." He repeated, this time looking at her directly in her eyes. "I fell in love with you Cana Alberona, ever since we became partners. I've never known a finer woman than you." She felt tears gather, this time in swelling happiness, his words seeming to sooth the hidden insecurities inside her and creating a balm to her frayed heart.
"I don't know what the future holds but, if you would have me," He hesitated, shifting his hold to bring her against him, embracing her while he leaned his head against hers. "I want to be yours."
I want to be yours.
It was what she always wanted to hear, the words ringing sweetly as she returned the embrace and laid her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes as she allowed the truth of their confession to linger in their contented glow.
They loved each other. He loved her. She loved him.
It was the stuff of fairy tales, as ridiculous as it sounded, but Cana couldn't help but hold onto the hope that they could be something. She couldn't picture herself without Loke beside her greeting her with his smirk, nor without his tender professions of love and smoldering passion that she could match with equal fervor.
Cana didn't think about what it would do to Loke while being in the human world drained him of his magic; she stubbornly ignored the truth, of his duty as a celestial spirit- bound and pledged to serve another -knowing she held him only on borrowed time. She didn't let the thought of what their future meant, of how far their relationship would go before fate or some unforeseen force chose to rip their small joy away from one another. For now, she simply basked in his presence and gave into the foolish hope that their fairy tale could be a reality.
"Me too," she whispered while her arms tightened. His arms mimicked her gesture in response- no doubt he thought the same as she did and accepted what may or may not come to pass. She didn't cry as seeds of anguish planted in her heart. She wouldn't ruin their new love and fragile hope by bringing their thoughts aloud. To do so would have made it a reality- and they were still raw from sealing past hurts and misunderstandings. "If fate allows it, I want to be yours too, for as long as you'll have me."
They both lapsed into silence and simple held one another. Neither spoke a word, having said all that was needed.
Eventually the weather won, breaking their peaceful embrace as Loke sneezed. Cana laughed, making him huff indignantly, yet he smiled and shared her quiet laughter.
"To the guild?" He asked, finally releasing her yet keeping close to her side. Cana shivered and leaned against him, missing his warmth.
"Mmm." She hummed in agreement. "I think a celebration is needed, yeah?"
Loke let a bark of laughter out. "Who am I to deny my lady's desires?" He teased. His hand trailed down her arm and found her cold one, threading their fingers together while giving their joined hands a light squeeze. "Lead the way love."
Cana smiled, squeezing his hand in return and they began their journey back to Fairy Tail together.