Reflections
Summary: Just an attempt to shed a little light on the motivation behind John's deal.
Authours note: Some language so if you, ya know, are offended by it...its in there, prepare to be offended if you read.
Disclaimer: its all mine. ::shrugs:: e.k.'s a crap shot at blackjack, what can I say? 'Cept I'm better of course.
John knew it wasn't right, wasn't fair, but...since when had life been fair for his boys? For any of them?
The way he looked at it, he had two options. Wait for one son to die and have the other hate him for the rest of his miserable life...or do something about it. Fuck it, who was he kidding? He had one choice. If he loses Dean, he loses Sam too.
He screwed up when it came to Sam, he knows that. He shouldn't have pushed so hard, he shouldn't have demanded of him to be Dean, to just obey his every order and fall into this life. He shouldn't have told him to 'stay gone' when he decided to get a real life. He should have been a better father to them.
He was just trying to protect him though. Hr knew what Sam was destined to become and he just thought...if he pushed him enough, taught him enough...that would be enough. But it wasn't, its never enough. Sam was destined to be the end all and he couldn't stop it.
Maybe he could make up for it though. Maybe he could give Dean the chance to do what he had no chance of being able to do.
00000
"Comatose." John repeated the physician's words.
"He's on life support, as soon as we pull out the tubes..." The doctor's voice trailed off into emptiness, his point made.
"Okay."
The decision was made before he even walked into the room. What did he have left? Even if he kills the demon...he's going to lose one son and he's not going to choose which one.
Its not a choice he deserves to be able to make.
00000
The boys will survive without him.
That's the conclusion that he comes to as he hears himself fighting with his youngest son. Sam will never forgive him for what's happened to Dean, if he lives he loses both sons, and Dean doesn't need him; he only needs Sam. He's only ever needed Sam, after all Sam was the one who was there for him when he was never there...except for when he went away to school, and then, Dean had nobody.
If nothing else, John owed his son a second chance at life.
00000
He knew Azazel would take the deal. He was offering up the colt, and his own soul, for Azazel it was win-win.
"Can't hack it anymore John?" Azazel taunted.
"Something like that." John said, void of any emotion. "Take the deal, you know its good."
"I'm dissapointed in you John." Azazel said, "I really thought you were going to give me a real challenge for coming for Sammy...throwing in the rag like this, I just never expected it from you."
"You just bring Dean back, and you've got me and the colt."
"It's funny," He said, "You know, Dean thinks his daddy is this great big hero...gonna think you're an even bigger hero, going to hell for someone, its big...what will he think when he figures out that it was just that you were too scared to face the truth?"
John was silent. He was taking the coward's way out, he was leaving it up to Dean and just maybe Dean would find a way to do what he couldn't, find a way to save Sam.
"He's going to hate you."
I can't kill my own son, John thought, when it comes down to it though...Dean's a soldier, he'll do what has to be done. What I'm not strong enough to do.
00000
He's going to become evil, the greatest evil to cross the earth. If you can't save your brother, you have to stop him. If you can't save him, you're going to have to kill him, Dean.
As he said it, he'd realized he'd done the unforgiveable. He'd saved Dean's life only to condemn him to a lifetime of misery.
He hoped his son would forgive him.
00000