Summary: what would happen if Gundam designers & mechanics (in the C.E.-verse – not the producers of the show) actually had some common sense…
Includes both "takes" (i.e. alternative versions of what would happen in the story) which are NOT linked to each other and "backstages" (i.e. what would happen when the characters have wee little complaints to each other about the problems in each take… such as Athrun accidentally-whoops. Read on to find out =D).
Disclaimer: All Gundam Seed (Destiny) characters & their personalities belong to the creators of GSD.
A/N: I've been wondering this for a while, but why, oh why, all ye Gundam engineers, mechanics, designers (& whoever else is involved in the production of Gundams in CE-verse), did you guys not put a lock & key system in the Gundams?
Did it not occur to you that there are Gundam-jackers or something?
Before you start: because I'm lazy and because no one wants to read "Gundam mechanics, engineers, designers & whoever else is involved in the production of Gundams" every single time I want to refer to them, they'll all just be called "Gundam-mechanics" or "GMs".
Sometimes, there may be multiple takes of the same scene just because I want to explore different idiotic moments of our favourite pilots.
Warning: OOCness and foul language. Where would Yzak be without his temper?
~X~
Chapter 1: Aegis, Buster, Blitz, Duel & Strike
What if the Earth Alliance GMs had some common sense when designing the Buster, Duel, Blitz, Strike & Aegis…
Take 01: A Key Problem
"Shit!"
The silver-haired youth slammed his fist down on the interior of the 'G-Unit' Duel with enough force to almost crack the controls.
He probably would have proceeded to destroy the interior of Duel (with his bare hands no less) if it wasn't for a voice, oozing with smugness, which stopped him mid-strike.
"What? On your period, Yzak?"
Eyebrows twitching in poorly-controlled anger, Yzak swallowed a string of colourful language and instead snapped:
"Shut up, Dearka, and use your bloody eyes, you dumbass."
There was a period of brief silence on communications channel. Then –
"This is a problem."
"No shit, Sherlo-"
"This situation, hardly warrants your use of foul language, Yzac," interrupted a green-haired youth (who, despite his gentleness, refused to let the argument dissolve into a-couple-in-divorce's-lover's-spat).
"Shut up, Nicol" snapped both boys.
Ignoring the pair, Nicol continued: "so. Now what?"
"Ask Athrun?"
Yzak was tempted, at that stage, to jump into the cockpit of Buster just so he could strangle a certain idiot blonde living up to his hair colour. Fortunately, he fought down that urge. Instead, he resorted to:
"I REFUSE TO ASK FOR HELP FROM THAT BASTARD!"
Nicol sighed.
"Well guys, no matter how you look at it, we're missing a very key component of these G Units."
As if on cue, Dearka began snorting with laughter.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" demanded Yzak, his patience worn far beyond paper-thin.
Between his snorts and giggles, Dearka gasped out:
"He just said KEY problem! KEY problem!"
At that point, Nicol couldn't contain himself and burst into a small fit of giggles as well.
Yzak twitched.
"I don't get it," he muttered through gritted teeth.
~X~
Meanwhile, with the other 2 G-Units:
"RUSTY!" yelled Athrun as his roommate was mercilessly gunned down.
Beating back all unnecessary emotions, the blue-haired Coordinator headed towards the nearest G-Unit.
After a brief scuffle with the Earth Alliance soldiers (A/N: if you want a recap of this, enjoy episode 1 of GS again~), Athrun found himself about to stab a female soldier when-
"Athrun?"
Stopping dead in his tracks, Athrun gasped "Kira?"
And so a brief staredown between the two shocked youths ensued.
In the midst of explosions.
On top of a mobile suit.
Little did they know, they would spend around 40 episodes having such awkward staring sessions. Perhaps if they had known how many precious airing minutes were taking up by the emotionally-awkward staring sessions filled with UST* (at least in fangirl-vision), they would've snapped themselves out of their little trance and run away screaming like the little boys they should've been.
But alas, they did not.
It was only through the sensible actions of Murrue (by pointing a gun at Athrun) that the UST-staredown was ended.
"You do realise that you can't Gundam-jack** us, right?"
"Huh?"
"I have the keys to all of the Gundams."
BANG.
If it wasn't for the fact that it was his friend that just ate a bullet and that singing randomly in a battle would be a hugely un-Kira thing to do, Kira may have been tempted to break into "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)"…
Backstage 01: A Key Problem
K = Kira
M = Murrue
A = Athrun
Y = Yzak
D = Dearka
N = Nicol
K: Er. Murrue, you weren't meant to kill Athrun.
M: I wasn't?
K: No. We kind of needed him for long arcs of indecisiveness and ultimately serial betrayals throughout GS & GSD.
M: Whoopsies. M'bad?
A (as a ghost): Yes. Your bad.
D: I think you mean "you're" bad.
A: Shut up. I was accusing this… Natural... of being the one at fault here. And shut up Yzak.
Y: *was doubled-over laughing during the whole conversation*
A: Yzak!
Y: But-haha-*wheeze*-you got shot-*snorts*-down by a-*giggles*-NATURAL!
A: …–
K: … Um. Athrun, are you okay?
A: Would you be, if you just got shot down by a Natural – a woman no less – and your best friend was about to BREAK INTO SONG after your death?!
K: … I didn't break into song!
A: You were tempted to.
K: Touche.
M: Athrun.
A: What?
M: Did you just point out that one, I'm a Natural and two, I'm a woman?
A: Er, yes?
M: … *glare*
A: *noticing her glare* Er… *sweatdrop* well you are? (Aren't you?! Please don't tell me she's-)
M: Yes, but that is hugely sexist and racist of you.
A: … um. *Sweatdrop* (well at least she's not a –)
M: I'm glad I killed you off now *breaks into a beaming smile*. I think I've just done all the women in the world a huge favour – especially the Zala girls.
D, Y, Z & K: Zala girls?
N: *Re-enters the room with a mug of coffee* Zala girls?
M: Yes, *puts one hand on hip and the other in a anime-esque teacher pose* the Zala girls.
D, Y, N, Z & K: *Confused faces*.
M: *Sigh* did you guys not see the casting and script for GSD?
D, N & Y: There's a sequel?
M: Didn't you get the memo?
Y: … clearly not, woman.
M: Oh I suppose since you two *points at D & Y* get demoted to 'minor roles', they decided they could mail you later.
D & Y: WHAT?!
N: What about me?
M: Oh, you? You die (in episode 29).
N: *Bursts into tears and runs out of the room* BUT I HAVE KIDS TO FEEEEED! THEY CAN'T CUT ME OUT OF THE SHOW LIKE THISSSSSS!
M, A, Y & D: *Sweatdrops*
M: That kid has kids?
A: Even I didn't know that!
Y & D: …
K: He's really 15, right?
A: Last time I checked the script, yes.
M, Y & D: *sweatdrops*
M: *Mutters* kids these days… always popping out more kids…
A: Ahem. Anyway, what is this about Zala girls?
M: Well, as you all know, James Bond has his "Bond girls", right?
D, K & A: Uh-huh?
M: Soooo.
D: *Look of sudden enlightenment* WHAAAT? HE GETS A HAREM?!
Y: *Pulls a digusted face*
A: WHAAAT?!
K: … Athrun *menacing look*.
A: *Not daring to look at Kira* … Yes, Kira?
K: I think we need to have a little talk *roaring flames of anger blaze behind him*
A: *Sweatdrop* err. I can explain?
K: Save it for when we get home *punch*.
A: *Is knocked out*.
D (in a whisper to Y): What's got his knickers in a twist?
Y (to D): You mean you don't know?
D: ?
Y: … Look here *points at a certain book* "Kira has Athrun round his little finger".
D: *Pales*. Oh no. They're not like-
Y: I believe they are.
D: But they're scripted to hook up with each other's girls right?!
Y: On the surface at least.
D: *faints*.
M: I think this was too much for him, huh?
Y: Thank you for your keen observation, Captain Obvious.
M: Anyway, Zala girls, you're all dismissed.
Zala girls (you all know who they are): WHAT?!
* UST stands for "unresolved sexual tension".
** Yes, I'm aware that only Kira called the G-Units "Gundams" in GS (& it was only in GSD that the characters really started yelling "Gundams! Gundams everywhere!"), but Gundam-jacking just sounds so much snappier than "mobile suit-jacking" or "G-Unit-jacking".
In case you guys don't know who I'm referring to as the Zala girls, it's Meer, Cagalli, Meyrin & Lunamaria. If you want to stretch your imagination I suppose you could include Lacus & Talia too…
Take 02: Key Question
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" roared Yzak.
Dearka looked at the offending object with equal curiousity.
Nicol was tempted to slam his head in his cockpit.
"I believe it is a keyhole, Yzak."
"A what-hole?"
"An asshole?"
"Can it, Dearka," snarled Yzak.
"A key hole. Something you insert a key into to unlock it."
"How's this a keyhole?" asked Dearka.
"Didn't you every pay attention in history?" snapped Yzak.
"Did you?" he shot back.
"…. No. I'm a soldier for-"
"Guys, stop it. Arguing inside the cockpits of these things isn't going to get us anywhere. I think we're better off carrying these back to the Vessalius in our own units."
"And who made you the leader?" hissed Yzak.
"Common sense did."
"… Touche, coward, touché," murmured Yzak.
Meanwhile, with the other 2 G-Units – this time, Athrun managed to escape being shot this time & actually made it inside the Aegis:
"… What's this?" shrieked Athrun into the radio.
"I believe it's a keyhole," stated Nicol.
'Is he psychic?!' wondered Athrun.
"You're telling me I'm stuck in a mobile suit surrounded by flames with A KEYHOLE AND NO KEY?!"
"Stop screaming like a woman, Zala, and yes. You're screwed. Ha. Ha."
"Shut it, Joule, you do this all the time. And that fake laughter of yours is –"
"Disgusting," finished Dearka.
Athrun probably would've congratulated Dearka on finishing his sentence so aptly if it wasn't for the fact that Murrue had finally started up the Strike and managed to crush the Aegis' cockpit.
SPLAT.
Backstage 02: Key Question
K = Kira
M = Murrue
A = Athrun
Y = Yzak
D = Dearka
M: I'm quite the villain here, aren't I?
A: The authoress hates me.
K: No, she doesn't. She just wants to troll you. And besides, if that Gundam-jacking had failed, you really would've been the one that was in most trouble, so it makes sense that you died.
A: Hearing something that actually makes sense come out of your mouth is…
M: Refreshing?
D: Insane.
A: Thank you Dearka, you know exactly how to finish by sentences for me.
Y: …
K (to M): By the way, shouldn't you be running now?
M: Me? Why?
K: *Points*
M: *Looks over at where K is pointing to* Oh for the love of-
Zala girls: MURRUE! YOU ! #)$(*!)#$!#$!
M: Er. Well, BYE!
~X~
If any of you were wondering, the keys here look like Victorian-styled keys with very, very large keyholes.
By the Cosmic Era, I'm assuming that all keys look like our modern ones, and so our common sense-less pilots failed to recognise them.
Coming soon:
Chapter 2: Freedom
What if the ZAFT GMs actually acted like 'Coordinators' when designing Freedom?
Chapter 3: Abyss, Chaos & Gaia
What if the ZAFT GMs finally learnt their lesson and put a lock on Abyss, Chaos & Gaia?