Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Some chick name Stephanie Meyer does. Be warned, the following fic has bad language and some weird sort of lemony shit happening as well. Crackfic ahead!
~~I want to take a moment to thank everyone involved in JaspersDestiny's Worst Story Ever Contest 2012. Sneer Death won first place! A gigantic mother fucking THANK YOU to everyone who voted. You guys make me squee like a mad woman. Thanks for thinking my story is the worst. I'm so proud. Sort of.
Without further ado, I bring you…
Sneer Death
Bella had given lots of thought of how she would die. Cracking her head open after falling down the stairs maybe, strangulation while practicing homo-erotic asphyxiation, choking on mushroom ravioli or perhaps slipping on a banana peel. She knew her clumsyness would someday do her in, it was only a matter of time really. She decided to live her life to the fullest while she still had a life left. She vowed to do crazy shit like date vampires, tease werewolves, ride motorcycles, jump off cliffs and juggle apples, like five at a time.
Here is her story.
The point of view of the apple.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Fucker won't stop bouncing me off his foot.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Sweet victory! I'm in Bella's hand. Safe and sound.
Motherfucking Ow! Ow! Owwwwwwww!
The biatch bit me.
I hope she chokes.
Bella's Blood POV:
*singing in a utterly enchanting voice* "Oh Eddddddddward. Come here Edward... Come taste me. I can be so yummy for you. The best you've ever had."
Her heart pumps fast and I rush through Bella's veins with a slosh slosh slosh.
"I'm still warmmmmmmmm, my skin no match her your uber-sharp teeth. Come taste me Edward...I'm yours, made just for you. Your heroine..."
Slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh
Hey! Where did that pesky Bella-blood-lovin vampire run off too? I would have sworn he was sitting next to me like two seconds ago...
Odd. Very odd.
Tyler's Van's POV:
Mwha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I coming for you Bella Swan! I am going to smoosh you and your ugly red truck too *laughs manically, again*
Hey! What the...
*shakes dented bumper*
She got away! *huffs* I would have gotten away with killing her if it hadn't been for that meddling uber-strong- lightening-fast-dazzling Adonis asshole. *grumbles and backfires*
The waitress from the Italian restaurants hair POV:
*Waves frantically* Look at me! Non-conformist hair-doo over here!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Who is that guy with the pretty bronze sex hair? Sex hair... *drools*
I get fluffed a bit higher upon approach, puffing my self out and bouncing with confidence and a slight swagger.
"Hey there," I say to the copper locks all twisted up like he's been running his hands through it. Sex hair!
They ignore me.
I blink, astonished and kind of pissed. I never get ignored. What the fuck? I raise my self higher, my roots rising me up to full height.
Back in the kitchen I rip out one my strands and it accidentally lands in the mushroom ravioli.
Oops. *winks*
Edward's piano POV.
Oh Christ! Not another ballad! And a lullaby to boot. Emo prick.
Is is too much to ask to be played with joy every once in a while? Is it? Huh? Pfft. I hope Rose and Emmett fuck on me again tonight AND don't clean up after themselves AGAIN. That'll show Claire DeLuneward.
oh ook, there's Bella. She running over and would you look at that... her shoe is untied and Edward is too busy tickling my keys too notice. As per usual, said shoe lace gets stepped on, propelling her head first into me. OW! Dammit! That hurt. I think she scratched my veneer in the process. *sniff*
Edward's freaking out. He's scooped up his human and fled the room. Damn... I know what this means... Tonight I can expect more shitteous ballads about her fragile humanity. Fuck my life.
Laurent's dreadlocks POV:
Yay! Baseball! I love Baseball! Let's play!
*sniff sniff* Something smells yummy. Makes me wanna nom nom nom.
Oh...Yeah... A snack! I wanna wrap myself around her juicy little neck. I wanna bathe in her awesome freesia-scented blood. Why is James licking his lips? Awe man! He wants the snack! No! Lemme at it! Lemme drapes my knotted tresses across her sweet sweet jugular...
Why is that guy with the James Dean hair glaring? I think he's jealous of me. I mean, look at at his hair. Pfft. A ginger? Wuss.
I sneer at him.
nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.
The shiniest Volvo ever (really, it sparkles too) POV:
I can't believe they are taking the Mercedes to Phoenix!
Don't they know my gas milage is far superior? I thought vampires were supposed to be like really smart or something...
Pfft.
I sense a flat tire coming on. *sulks*
Renee's cell phones's POV:
(or just some genuisly intercepted text messages)
From Phil: Bella ok?
From Renee: her BF is hot!
From Phil: um, k. So shes not dead?
From Renee: Of course not silly! She fell through a window or three.
From Phil: Again?
From Renee: IKR? LOL.
From Phil: sexting time?
From Renee: *squee*
The hundred year old painting of the Volturi POV:
*sigh* Here we are, immortalized in a stunningly exquisite work of art worthy of hanging in any museum yet where do we find ourselves? Hanging up in the Cullen's foyer.
Unappreciated. Lonely. Bored out of our beedy painting mind!
*bangs head against canvas*
Lame.
Jasper's Hair POV:
GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR.
Must. Eat. Bella.
Bella's condoms POV:
*yawns* Perhaps I'll take another nap. It's not like there is anything worth staying awake for anyway. I roll over and stretch out, my latex feeling stiff. A tear falls-or was that lube?- as I mourn for the loss of Edward. Now that he's gone I will surely expire before being used.
Defeated, I weep, then nap.
Bella's big girl panties POV:
Oh wait... Bella doesn't own any big girl panties. So... yeah. Never mind.
Charlie's gun POV:
*sigh* All cleaned up and no where to go. *sighs again*
Charlie! Let me shoot something, anything! Please! I'm so bored and this holster is riding up.
Come on! You know you want to. *nudges Charlie's thigh*
*sniffs* Please? I'm so lonely... If I had eyelashes, I would be batting them then peeking innocently up and begging you with my eyes.
I gasp as Charlie grabs my butt, his fingers so gentle caressing my grainy texture there. He squeezes not once but twice.
Oh yes!
Fingertips trailing down the curve of my trigger, confident and sure. This man knows how to shoot, of that I'm sure. I want him to shoot me. Now.
He grips me, holding on tight and trembling as he lifts me. For a moment he raises me up, brings me to up to his line of sight and I am just giddy. Oh Charlie...
And then came the awkward silence, a restless tension is his hands. He shook his head and dropped me down, denying me...
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
I was so close! So close...
What a fucking tease.
One of the crappy broke down motorcycles POV:
*cough* *wheez* Well... I guess it's off the the junkyard for us, eh pal?
Other crappy broke down motor cycle POV a few months later:
Woo Hoo! From deaths door to death mobile. Lets burn some rubber and make this skinny paleface faceplant against that tree!
Vroooooooooooooom!
Splat.
Bella's cough medicine's POV:
I can't believe this shit. Forever shirtless boy with the stellar abs comes waltzing in and Bella doesn't need me anymore? What's up with that?
This is bullshit.
The dream catcher is staring at me again. Is he fucking smirking at me too?
"You can't make her nightmares go away like I can. Faker Asshole."
The dream catcher's POV:
I sneer at that snotty bottle of Nyquil.
"That's right bitch, Bella is so over you."
I scowl at her nightmare comment. Oh. No. She. Didn't.
"Nightmares? Pfft. Give Jake some time to work his magic and get into her pants. You druggie skank."
Jake's shorts POV:
Shit! Bella's here!
I'm getting tighter in the crotch.
Dammit! Why is Bella being so emo? If she would just get together with Jake already he would stop getting so pissed and phasing all the time. Thirteen of my brothers have been ripped apart because of this madness!
Oh no...
Jake's getting pissed. He's running and snarling. Fuck me! He's phasing!
My seems! My seems are starting to rip!
Damn you Bela Swaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn! Damn you...
Laurant's dreadlock POV:
No shit! Look who's here? The snack! Alone!
What luck! Victoria is gonna be so pissed when she finds out Laurent killed the Cullens pet but whatev. She smells tasty! Who could resist that?
We move closer, close enough that I am brushing up against her chesnuty, mahagony tinged with a hint of red shiny locks. Nice hair indeed, smells good too.
Oh... I am going to enjoy this. Just let me wrap my weird stringy mass of hair against her jugular...
*Sniff*
*Scowl*
*Sniffs again*
What the... Werevoles? Fucking werewolves? Are you shitting me?
Only in Forks. Mother fucking hicks.
Emily's muffin tin POV:
again? She is using me for the fifth time today. I suppose I shouldn't complain. I mean...I get to stare at buff nekked dudes, before she puts me in the oven AND while I'm cooling.
Who's that skinny white chick and why is she coming over here? Hmmm, perhaps Emily should go for round six. That bitch is way too thin, pale too.
She's all biting her lip before she says, "Here Emily, let me help you with that."
Sadly, Emily is too busy making out with Sam to warn her that I've just come out of the oven and am scorching hot. I shake my head at this girl as she comes closer, her little hand about to get burned.
What? Don't judge. I'm a muffin tin for Christs sake. It's not like I can warn her.
Rockin Yellow Porshe POV:
*fishtails through the winding roads of Italy at breakneck speeds*
This vampire can drive! Fuck yes! Vrooooooooooooom!
She shifts my gears with an ease that I've never experienced. Her hands caress the leather of my steering wheel with a calculated precision. Twisting, turning, gripping me! Guh... I've never been driven this way before and it feels... fucking liberating. I want more. Faster, harder. More you vampire with stellar fashion sense! More!
She accelerates, again, driving me faster then faster still.
God, I hope she keeps me.
Riley's iphone POV:
What a great day! The weather was shit but Riley used me. All. Day. Long.
Yep, Facebook, Twitter, texts, sexts, picture taking, games played out of boredom, a phone call or two, some music after work on the train. It was an all day affair.
Riley and I...
*sigh ringtone* I don't know... He uses me all day long, every day, keeps me in his pocket pressed up against him. And last night... he watched porn on me. *Shudders in vibrating email alert*
I think I love this man.
I'm carefully tucked into his pocket, cozying up to his thigh when I'm startled. Riley is stumbling. Afraid for his life, he reaches for me, holds me in place.
Now he's running and I'm getting all squished in here. Shit, I'm poking out the top of his pocket and being pushed up with every stride of his leg.
Oh no! It's raining, pouring rain soaking us, water getting through our case. Riley! Help! Noooooo! Not water damage! Nooooooooooo!
He stumbles and I scream as I watch the ground come rushing toward us. Trying to be noble I attempt to wiggle my way up and throw myself in front of him to break his fall. To protect him. Sadly, I have no app for that. I close the browser and prepare to be crushed.
But it never comes. Riley is wrenched upwards, suddenly standing upright and in front of him is a really scary looking red head. He tries to grab me but the red head slaps his hand, sending me flying into the concrete.
I hit the ground sliding, all systems still functioning. I've landed in the shadows, the rain pouring down upon my touch screen.
Riley... Oh my precious Riley! I love you! I'll never forget you!
We only got to use that porn app once.
:(
Charlie's moustache POV:
Twitch.
Twitch.
Two twitches? That's odd. Two twitches means somethings up. It's what happens when Charlie gets kinda nervous. He sips his beer heartily, making sure to give us a generous portion. After we are thoroughly soaked through with Pabst Blue Ribbon, Charlie gives us a quick lick before he stares up at Bella and asks her to sit down. He's pursing his lips a bit, puffing me out. a very subtle show of dominance.
I stand my ground in a commanding stance as Charlie begins the dreaded sex talk.
He started out strong, spouting off the usual parent-teen-sex-talk fun facts. But it all took a turn for the worse when Bella said the words "Edward" and "sex" in the same sentence. My hairs stood on end, Charlie stiffened and I swear, he almost went for his gun.
I twitched.
I twitched again.
Shit! Rapid twitching. Too much. Charlie's on the verge of a melt down.
He starts having terrifying visions of his beloved innocent daughter being defiled by that snotty Cullen brat.
The can of beer is being slung up to his mouth in record speed. There is slurping noises as he chugs and downs the rest of the can in one go. And I am soaked and drunk as hell!
What were we talking about?
Heaboard's POV:
oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! It's happening! It's happening!
No fade to black for me. I get full frontal, well... partial frontal. If only that darn sheet wasn't blocking my view of Edward's sparkling ass.
The human and vampire before me are nekked and shy, fumbling and self conscience. It's kind of sad really. I just want to jump off my frame and show em how it's done. Lord knows I've seen Carlisle and Esme, and Alice and Jasper, AND Emmett and Rosalie get it on in this bed.
But wait... He's going for it! He's really going for it!
and hell mother fucking yes! I knew that his peen would sparkle. I just knew it! The throw pillows owe me a hundred bucks.
They are kissing, a little petting, some licking too. Nothing too hard core. Pfft. Virgins, always taking it slow and shit.
Oh... Edward has braced his hands on me, his grip manageable but quite firm. Mmmm... Kinda hurts, kinda feels good. Who knew Edward likes it rough? I for one, think it's hot.
They dry hump for a while and then he kisses her, tells her loves her and I clap my hands together and stare unabashedly as they finally get to the sexin.
"Watch out hymen! Edward's peen is coming to destroy you!" I cry out, my whoop of triumph cut off as Edward's hands become impossibly tighter on me.
Ow.
Ow!
Bella's hymen POV:
*humming and going about my business, like laying around and creating a barrier between Bella's inner lady parts and the outside world*
It's kind of a boring job, but someone's got to do it.
Hey... What the... Feels like someone is poking me. Oh my g...
*gasps*
Holy shit! "Incoming!" I scream out to no one in particular, well, except Bella's ovaries and cervix too.
It's advancing, slowly with a steady pressure. And I'm pushing back, using all my fleshy might.
It's sooooooooooo hard, like REALLY hard.
I stand up straighter and hold my faux-head high. If I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna do it with style.
"Come on you sparkly fucker, show me what you've got."
Headboard POV, again:
And there off!
They're doing it! Thrusting and moaning and writhing around and he's not killing her. It's kinda cute.
I clap my hands and drink a toast to the happy couple.
Then I wince and whimper as Edward's hand push down on me. Fuck! I'm cracking! Fuuuuuuuuuck! Who knew Edward was into kinky shit?
He speeds his thrusts, eyes squeezed shut and jaw clenched. Oh no! He's gonna come, soon.
And they're only two minutes in!
I snort and tell Edward he's a minute man, in a sing-song mocking tone.
Those would be the last words I would ever speak. As if he could actually hear my headboard mind, Edward used his awesome vampire strength to growl at my words and then... *wipes tear* He ripped me apart, viciously.
There are little pieces of me strewn about, tiny splinters of my cherished mahogany litter the floor, the bed. I've been torn apart... *Sobs*
I did get a fade to black after all.
Feathers POV:
Feather 1: "What the fuck just happened?"
Feathers 2-300: "Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Feather 331: "Help! I'm tangled in Bella's hair!"
Feather 332: "Whatev. I'm stuck to her neck and Edward keeps staring at me..."
Feather 562: "Just throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don't care!"
Feather 1: "Am I the only one who is freaking out right now?"
Feathers 2-300: "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Feather 672: "This is kinda nice. Floating around and not being stuck in that blasted pillow. A feather could get used to this.
Feathers 2-300: "Hoooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Feather 65: Um... I'm sorta stuck to Bella nipple. Awkward.
Bella's ovaries POV:
"Wooooooooooooooo!" the right ovary screams out in delight then starts drinking champagne straight from the bottle.
The left ovary is dancing a jig and fist pumping and then plays some very fiesty air guitar.
They dance and sing and celebrate this joyous occasion. The drinks are flowing, the party is in full swing when suddenly everything stops.
The delicious pumping motion has ceased. The other girlie parts have gone still and the ovaries give each other a curious look.
They shrug then drink more champagne. The ovary on the right sways then falls over, she's past out drunk.
"What is that noise?" asks the left ovary. She looks all around and can't quite place the odd rushing noise that seems to be coming from Bella's vagi...
"Wake up!" The left ovary screams, but right ovary does not stir. She is done.
Left ovary sits up and looks around, dazed. "Shit, what did we do with the egg? Dammit! I knew that bottle of tequila was a really bad idea."
The left ovary is stunned into silence, awed when she sees them rush in.
They are the shiniest things she's ever seen. Sparkly little swimmers, beautiful, like some kind of greek god-like sperm.
Fucking dazzling.