Mr. Shapiro eyed his son Dolph, sensing great guilt for his troublemaking ways. After all, Mr. Shapiro had spent far too much time taking care of his discount dolphin and porpoise emporium and not enough time on his son. Mr. Shapiro regretted many of the mistakes he had made on his son, in fact, including his own name. In his less religiously Jewish and more dolphin-obsessed days, Mr. Shapiro had given his only child the name "Dolph" due to its similarity "dolphin" much to the dismay of his late wife, who was quick to point out that "Dolph" is sometimes a nickname for "Adolph," the first name of both Hitler and Eichmann.
Over the past 26 years, Dolph had become part of a trio of Springfield Elementary School bullies who also partook in various petty crimes including dozens of incidents of shoplifting, burglary, arson, mooning, manslaughter, prank calling, robbery, theft, sodomy, jaywalking, kaywalking, ellwalking, drugs, and fake ID manufacturing (which Dolph himself admitted was pointless because despite being the youngest of the trio, he was already 39 and had been drinking legally for decades). It was high time that Mr. Shapiro took the effort to turn his boy's life around.
"Dolphie," said Mr. Shapiro, "how would you like to take a part in the family business?"
"Can Jimbo and Kearney work for you too?" asked Dolph.
"No, I am afraid those meshugganah schlemiels are bad influences on you and are turning you into a schmuck."
"Dad, you do know that schmuck is Yiddish for 'penis,' right? What kind of sick pervert calls his own son a penis?"
"A sick pervert who cares about the future of not only you, but Springfield as a whole! Can you not fathom how you are tainting the self-esteems of countless Milhouse Van Houtens, Martin Princes, and Ralph Wiggums of the past, present, and future?"
"A future of Ralph Wiggums, huh?" asked Dolph, bending his left Wookiee.