THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WISE
BY Belladonna Dwale
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything relating to Middle Earth, nor do I claim to. That honour belongs to JRR Tolkien (who I think was a bit nuts, but oh well). I love the movies and am reading the books now. I was inspired by Cassandra Claire's VERY SECRET DIARIES series and wrote this one. Also, my friends say I'm good at writing this kind of stuff... I have a weird sense of humour or something go figure.
DAY ONE:sent Radagast the Brown off after Gandalf. Made up stuff about 9 black riders. R. has a kink for guys in black. I think, after he tells G. he'll probably ride off like bat from Hell to find riders. Sent off R. cuz he's been hanging around Lost Seeing Stone when I'm in shower. suspect he's been spying on me. The perv. Also think I have been missing Gandalf. He's been gone too long. am in desperate need of some good sex and Balrog tells me that G. was a great lay, until he had nerve to ask B. to have threesome with hobbit. rather dodgy if you ask me.
DAY TWO:
Therapist suggested I go out as am becoming v. pale and my long hair and nails are kinda frightening. Have met up with giant eyeball. Suggested we go to Red Onion Café sometime but eyeball v. against it. Claims to be Sauron, an evil overlord that lost his body. Almost laughed but developed a coughing fit instead.
DAY FOUR:
Eyeball was right, is Sauron. v. disturbing seeing an eyeball in naughty underthings. Especially ones that are red with white fluff on edges like Santa suit. How can Eyeball wear naughty underthings? Don't know.
DAY TWELVE:
Have been having fun with Eyeball/Sauron. Likes my nails, v. good for kinky things... In other news G. came. Told him at point blank I was sick of hiding feelings in closet and decided to introduce new clothes and call self Sarumon of Many Colours. Said he preferred white best and thinks it's kinky of gay men to hide in closets about that. Had to bitch-slap him. Have chained him to wall and visit him dressed in black leather and bearing a magic whip instead of usual magic staff.
DAY THIRTEEN:
Have been asked by Sauron the Eyeball to make huge evil army. Will be v. busy for a while.
DAY TWENTY-TWO:
Gandalf's escaped and ran off when had back turned. Relied on huge ugly bird. So eighty years ago. Did same kind of thing in the Hobbit. Oh well, still have big eyeball and now kinky army that appreciates bondage. Bad side: they eat mortals and now fear for life and sleep with knife under pillow.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE:
Balrog came for tea. Talked about Gandalf the Smelly. We both agree G. hasn't bathed since the little whiney brat-elf, Legolas, was born, probably been even longer. Have purchased some Calvin Klein cologne and some soap for him and sent it to him anonymously.
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN:
Received soap and cologne back with postcard of Gandalf flicking off camera.
Back said:
"Ha, ha. Thanks for subtle hint but you need it more.
- Gandalf"
That's it; he's so out of the Salad Lovers Society.
DAY THIRTY:
Have been v. bored lately and watching Lost Seeing Stone. Four little hobbits left home on mission. v. cute really. Think will try to capture some later for unspeakable acts. Hobbits just right height.
DAY THIRTY-FIVE:
Eyeball's Riders stabbed cute hobbit. ï NOOOOOO! He's too cute to die. talked to Eyeball about it. claimed that hobbit has his ring. asked Magic 8 Ball about it and was confirmed. Other news, stupid fat hobbit keeps hovering around cute Ringbearer. ï
DAY THIRTY-SEVEN:
spent whole day sulking. stupid eyeball.
DAY FORTY:
Yay! Ringbearer survived! has agreed to go on mission with hobbits, little whiney brat-elf Legolas, two humans and oversized badger. am interested that brat elf is going along. hope to see him as have fallen out of touch with him after incident in second age. Gandalf also going on mission, as usual. has pervy interest in Ringbearer. stupid fat hobbit still clinging on to Ringbearer like a v. small tangerine Speedo.
DAY FORTY-FIVE:
Fellowship reached mountains. resisted urge to sing the Sound of Music songs about the billy goats since Gandalf looks like one. Began pelting G. with some magical snowballs.
DAY FORTY-NINE:
Gandalf and Ringbearer, worrying for G's safety, made everyone use mines of Moria. No fun. First G. refuses to go through Gap of Rohan cuz will cause fellowship to stop for a shopping spree and it is v. close to Isengard. Have warned Balrog about Fellowship and sent army of evil bondage Uruk-hais to get hobbits. ALL FOR ME! Mwahahahahaha!
DAY FIFTY-SEVEN:
Gandalf died today. Ha, ha. deserved it, the bastard.
DAY SIXTY-NINE:
Army captured two hobbits! Yay! Ringbearer got away. ï but at least have two cute hobbits to play with for now. have promised Sauron to walk and feed them. am v. excited about new pets – er – friends. will have big tea party when they arrive. YAY!