Phan Fic-
Based on "All Too Well" by Taylor Swift
It was a late summer evening and Dan was alone in his room. He had his headphones on and found himself listening to songs that years ago he would have denied listening to. Working at the radio had led him to discovering many types of music that he would have never listened to before. He found himself downloading album after album each night, often using it as a distraction. His mind was a mess at the moment, memories colliding with the present, making him think things he didn't want to. Some things he didn't want to remember but knew he couldn't get rid of them no matter how hard he tried. As he lay on his bed, he found his mind starting to drift again and for once he let it.
Dan remembered one of the last times he had gone out with Phil. It had a been a cold October afternoon and the air was cold and sharp around them. Dan walked through the door with Phil into their local coffee shop, pulling his coat tight around him to in the hope it would keep away the cold. He remembered leaving his scarf at Phil's old house and knew Phil would now have it in a drawer somewhere even now. They had been for a drive that afternoon to test out the new car they had bought, they had become sick of the public transport in the city and decided to get a car. The car ride had been filled with singing as they found themselves getting lost on the streets of London. Dan loved every minute of it, Phil's sweet disposition made it easy for Dan to sit through the endless traffic jams and Dan would look at Phil with his wide-eyed gaze at how someone so good could be made for him. When Dan looked out the window he saw the autumn leaves fall around to the ground like pieces into place and he felt like that was what was happening with his life. Finding Phil had filled some empty place inside of him that he hadn't been aware of until they were apart and Dan was painfully aware of it now. Dan could still picture all of these memories after all these days. Dan curled up on the bed, trying to push the memories out of his head. Even though they had been some of the best days of his life he knew they were long gone, the magic between the two of them was not there anymore. When Dan thought about how he felt he thought he might be okay but he wasn't fine at all and hadn't been for a long time and he wasn't sure when he would be again.
He rolled over on the bed, knowing he probably wasn't going to sleep that night. His brain seemed to have decided to replay the whole story so Dan let it , knowing it would be over soon and hoped he might fall asleep somewhere in the middle. Not long after they had taken the car for a test drive around London they decided to go up to Manchester to visit Phil's parents and were happy to be going by car instead of catching the train like everyone else. It rained most of the way there and it wasn't until they got close to Phil's parent's house that it finally stopped. They drove along the little town streets that led to the house and Dan felt it getting stuffy in the car. Dan opened the window to let in some fresh air and he felt it blow through his hair. He was in the middle of checking the time on his phone when he noticed Phil looking at him. Quickly Dan raised a hand to his head, worried that the breeze had blown his hair out of place. Phil was looking over him with a look that made Dan feel as if there were a thousand butterflies in his stomach at once. Dan would have normally looked back at Phil in the same way if Phil hadn't almost been about to run a red light and Dan knew they would have to wait until they got there to pay proper attention to each other. The last few minutes of the car journey had been torture as Dan just wanted to get out of the car and hug his boyfriend without the car getting in the way. When they finally got out of the car, Dan pulled Phil in for a hug who was suprised by the sudden act but responded afterwards with a quick kiss and a smile before taking Dan's hand and leading him into his parent's house. As Dan lay on his bed him remembered that moment all too well and they made him want to fall asleep more than ever, to forget about it all for ten minutes. The two of the went into Phil's parent's kitchen and there was a photo album left on the kitchen counter. As the two of them looked through the pictures, Dan watched Phil's cheeks turn red as they looked at pictures he had spent a long time trying to hide. There was a picture of Phil as a little kid wearing glasses that were too big for him in a twin-size bed and Dan thought it was adorable and it made him strangely love Phil even more. Whilst they were looking through the pictures Phil's mother came in and started to tell Dan stories about when Phil was younger and Dan found himself interested in hearing more about his boyfriend. Phil told Dan about his past, thinking Dan was his future. Dan sat up in bed and had to remind himself that his memories were long gone and there was nothing else he could do. There were many moments that wanted to happen again and there were some that he really didn't want, ones that made him do anything to keep out of his mind to stop the pain coming back. He found himself forgetting about Phil long enough to forget why he needed to.
The clock beside Dan's bed ticked quietly and Dan rolled over to look at it, hoping to find a distraction in the moving hands. It was after midnight and Dan was starting to feel hungry as he hadn't eaten all evening. Slowly he climbed out of bed and walked down the hall to the stairs. As Dan walked down the stairs towards the kitchen it reminded him of another night. He had been up late editing his new video and decided to stop for a late night snack. Dan hadn't been sure if Phil was awake or not so Dan crept down the stairs so that he wouldn't wake Phil. There was no sign of Phil in the lounge and Dan took that as a sign that Phil was asleep. It was the middle of the night so it was unlikely Phil wouldn't be awake, Dan was used to going to Phil's bed at 4 am to find Phil had been asleep for hours. Yet when Dan walked into the kitchen he was suprised to see Phil stood in front of the refrigerator, holding various pieces of food in his hands as he looked for more. Dan had wondered where some of the food had been going and this explained it. Phil looked up when he heard Dan come in and gave him a welcoming smile. He put the food back into the fridge and turned to face Dan, pulling Dan into his arms. To Dan's suprise, Phil started to pull Dan around the room and Dan realised after a moment that they were dancing. As they danced around the kitchen in the refrigerator light they talked and laughed and Dan hadn't want it to ever stop. Now Dan remembered it all too well and ended up going to the lounge instead, he couldn't take facing the kitchen just yet. He curled up on the couch and turned the tv onto some random channel to distract himself.
That night had been one of the last good ones before it had all fallen apart. Dan couldn't pinpoint where it had gone wrong and there were so many reasons as to why it had ended that Dan couldn't pick just one. Maybe they had got lost in the translation of their feelings to ones of friendship to ones of a relationship. Maybe Dan had asked for too much of Phil. And maybe what they'd had was a masterpiece before Phil tore it all up , that their relationship was an amazing one before it had been almost ripped apart. When Phil had left Dan wondered if Phil was running scared because he wasn't ready for what Dan needed him to be. As Dan curled up even more on the couch he remembered when Phil called him the day after he left, Dan had felt like the call had broken him like a promise, like the ones they had made when they started going out together. In the phone call as Phil broke up with Dan, Dan felt like Phil was being so casually cruel in the name of being honest as he ended their relationship. Dan felt like he was a crumpled piece of paper lying on the couch because he remembered everything all too well and he would never be the same again.
Dan spent the night on the couch and he felt as if the minutes were dragging along endlessly. Time wouldn't fly like Dan was paralyzed by it. He wished it was like the old days again when he and Phil were just friends and happy together. Dan would have liked to be his old self again but he was still trying to find it as he lay on the couch. More memories came back to him, he would have minutes where he smile at the happy times then hours where he would cry at the dark times. From their first meeting to their first kiss to moving in together , Dan relieved them all in the darkness of the lounge. After plaid shirt days and nights where Phil made Dan his own , Dan wondered where they had gone as Phil mailed back Dan's things and Dan walked home alone each Sunday from the radio show. However Dan knew that Phil still had Dan's old scarf from the very first week that they had known each other because it reminded Phil of innocence and it still smelled like Dan. Phil couldn't get rid of the scarf because he too remembered it all too well.
Dan's memories kept going back to when he loved Phil so back before Phil lost the one real thing he'd ever known. What Dan had shared with Phil was something so rare that Dan wondered if he would ever feel the same way again. Dan remembered when he was there in the coffee shop with the wind in his hair, the dancing in the kitchen down the stairs in the refrigerator light and his love for his best friend all too well.