(A/N:) Hi! Just a little note before you read this. There are parts in this much darker than my normal stuff, so you've been warned. And this takes place three years after 4x22, so Ezra never got shot.
Song: Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5
TW: SLIGHT LANGUAGE AND ABUSE
Every night you cry yourself to sleep,
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Another club, another night. If you had told Aria Montgomery three years ago that she would be a regular at nightclubs during her college years, she would have shaken her head and disagreed. Back then, Aria would've expected moving cross country with her self-proclaimed soul mate, Ezra Fitz. That's what she had planned at least, up until the whole world, including Ezra, turned on her.
She still wasn't over it. How could he have used her for two years and pretend to love her so easily? How had his conscience not eaten him alive? How could he lead someone he "cared about" on for the majority of her teen years? How could she be so blind to his double life?
She hadn't seen him since she told him to pack up and leave town; the parting gift being his manuscript. She appreciated that he pulled the plugs on the novel, but wouldn't tell him that. Ezra didn't deserve her appreciation, he didn't deserve anything positive from her. But something no one knew, she wasn't sure if Ezra was even aware, was that she went back to 3B, wanting to ask him one last question. But it had been too late.
She remembered how much her heart sunk when she stepped into the familiar space, but not seeing any of the objects that made it familiar. The only thing left was an envelope labeled FOR ARIA in Ezra's handwriting. Aria had immediately read all the notebook paper pages, tears pouring from her eyes. Some of the words gave her comfort, but she couldn't believe it. It was easy to write lies – Ezra would know. She still had the letter and read it from time to time, as if she missed things before even though she had read those pages over eighty times, at least.
And he knew that – that's why he left. Aria had no idea where he was nowadays, but honestly didn't care. Well, she cared a little, but she wouldn't admit it out loud. She left Ezra, and Rosewood, behind after graduation. She too packed her life up and headed to Manhattan while taking classes at NYU. She still kept in touch with the girls, even Ali who had been able to come home after A was revealed. They all went separate ways, but managed to get a phone call to one another at least once a week. While Aria was alone in the city that never slept, she had had one night stand after one night stand. There were a few skittish, short term relationships as well, but none ultimately worth her time.
Except for Ryan, anyway. She had met him months ago at another frat party. The night ended with clothes shed and a dangerous smelling comforter in a messy dorm room. The next morning, the pair went to a diner and chatted over bagels, finding that they had a lot more chemistry than to be expected.
But, then the coin flipped. He cheated on her, causing a pause in the two month long relationship. In the end, Aria forgave him and they were okay… for about a week. She had caught him red handed at a bar, flirting up and feeling up some blonde. Aria had been so embarrassed that she slapped him right then and there in the middle of the bar. Ryan had good naturedly shrugged it off and followed her outside, out of view from patrons. He had spun her around and slapped her right back even harder.
Aria still forgave him though. He had been the only guy that lasted for more than two weeks after Ezra, and Aria didn't want to start her search over just yet. He had hit her a few times since the altercation, but Aria always shook off the pain and stayed by his side. He was sweet when he wasn't abusing her and Aria always chalked it up to the cause of the slap or shove to something she did, no matter what the truth really was.
Sometimes though, she would still cry herself to sleep. She would still bawl about Ezra's betrayal, for ruining her like this. Aria couldn't help but think she would never be in an abusive relationship if it weren't for Ezra. She would be with him and no matter how much he emotionally hurt her, Aria knew Ezra would never lay a finger on her. Despite him being one of the biggest jerks in her life, he had been a gentleman.
Aria wondered if he had moved on. For all she knew, he was married with babies, easily forgetting the past. Part of her knew that was anything but how Ezra probably felt, but another part screamed that he was happier now with some unknown woman than he ever was with Aria. Why wouldn't he be? Normal people would probably be happier in a loving relationship than one for research.
Aria downed another drink at the bar of the club, Ryan by her side. That was her fifth shot and Aria, being the light weight she was, knew that she needed to stop. But that week had been hell for her. It was almost three years down to the day she found out Ezra's secrets and realized she had done absolutely nothing since the whole ordeal. She hadn't painted her way into an exclusive gallery, she hadn't written a novel or even a chapter, and was impeccably average, even though Aria was anything but. Three years ago had started her reign of alcohol, men, and tears and, even though now things were easier, it was still similar.
"Hey, slow down," Ryan advised. "I'm about to tell them to cut you off."
Aria paled and set down the cup. "Don't. I'm fine. I've only had, like, two shots!"
"Try five," Ryan mumbled.
Aria ordered something with tequila and Ryan knowingly motioned to the bartender. Aria would go over the edge whenever she drank tequila and he didn't want to deal with that tonight. The bartender took one look at Aria before agreeing with the boyfriend.
Aria's head flipped from the bartender to Ryan angrily. "I'm fine! Don't cut me off! Tell him to give me the drink, I'm fine!"
She was practically screaming while waving her arms in protest. Ryan wrapped an arm around her waist before placing some bills on the bar, saying bye to the bartender. He led Aria outside, who was making herself dead weight in his arms. "I don't need to leave, let's go back."
Ryan sighed and gently pushed her out of the bar's exit. "Aria, come on, let's go home." He started stepping towards the parking lot before he realized Aria wasn't by his side. "Babe…"
"Take me back inside! I'm okay, I can have another drink!"
"Aria," he warned, "you're embarrassing me."
She stumble backwards thanks to the words and intoxication. She gained her balance before heading towards him. "I'm embarrassing you?" she said sarcastically. She paused before repeating the words loudly. "I'm embarrassing you?!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Ryan asked, his brown eyes blazing.
"It means," Aria drawled out, as if she were talking to a kindergartener, "that I am the one embarrassed by you!"
"Oh, and why's that?" Ryan screamed, walking further towards the car. He turned to her, who was on his heels, after he was inches away from the car. "Am I the one downing shot after shot? Getting drunk at parties and bars every single weekend!?"
"No, you're the one fucking people behind my back every single weekend!" Aria shouted back. She watched as his anger boiled over, but still baited him. "Think I don't know? How stupid do you think I am? Just because you're an idiot doesn't mean I'm one!"
She saw his hand coming towards her face, but her jaw still dropped afterwards. The whole side of her face was stinging and was bright red. Ryan ordered through clenched teeth for her to just get in the car, but she refused. "I'm not going anywhere with you!"
"Aria, come on," he plead.
"No, fuck you!" she screamed, spinning around on her heel. He yanked her arm back and she let out a timid noise. "Don't touch me!" she spat.
The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Ezra stumbled out of a local pub and headed towards the parking lot for his car. He was tired and wanted to go to sleep immediately. It had been a long day and an even longer week. He had just gone to the bar for a few drinks with an old college friend and the two talked over scotch. After the midnight mark, they both decided they needed to part. His buddy left, but Ezra stayed around for another hour, downing two more drinks.
Three years. It had been three whole years since he last talked to Aria. He wondered where she was and wondered if the thought was mutual. He had left her that incredibly sappy letter, but it didn't include where he was going. Why would he? He didn't think Aria would drop everything and follow him to Manhattan just because he wrote down the address.
Sometimes, he guessed she was probably only blocks away. It was common knowledge that she wanted to go to NYU, but Ezra was unaware of whether or not that changed somewhere between December to May.
That would be about right, though, huh? They would part for three years, once and for all, but then ending up in the same damn place. He often fantasized about running into her on a busy city street and then they would reconcile and laugh about how fate always shoved them together. But he knew that if that dream ever happened, Aria would say it was bad luck, considering how they had left things.
Why'd he write that damn book? Things would've been so much easier. He knew if the book secret never came out that he would probably still be in Manhattan, but instead of living in a bachelor pad alone, he would be sharing a cozy apartment with his wife. Wife, only because he figured once Aria was in college they'd get engaged and married. A couple of months ago, Ezra had gotten completely shit faced just because it had been September 1st. If they were still together, it would have been their fourth anniversary. But, no, Ezra just had to fuck up his life more than it already was.
As he stepped towards his car, he heard a woman and a man fighting a few aisles away. The voice of the woman gave Ezra a chill, due to its familiarity. Was that… no, he was imagining it. He had one too much whiskey and his head was getting the best of him.
The woman screamed words at her partner and Ezra's curiosity was piqued. He stopped heading towards his Toyota and to the source of the commotion. The woman's back was to him and Ezra had never me the guy before. Ezra watched as he grabbed the girl's arm roughly. Ezra's eyes widened as the woman protested, "Don't touch me!"
Ezra flashbacked to sitting on the ski lift and hearing Aria scream that exact same phrase at him. It was her, it was actually Aria. Ezra started marching over, furious that someone was harming his old flame.
Stepping towards the two, they still hadn't noticed him. Ezra temporarily halted and was worried that it wouldn't end up being Aria, but still, there was a man hurting a woman, stranger or not, and Ezra wasn't going to just turn his eyes away.
"Get in the fucking car," the man berated, a tight grip still on the woman's arm.
"Ryan, stop, please. You're hurting me!" she begged, trying to shake his hand away. "I'm not going with you, just let me go!"
He relented and shoved her towards the car, her back slamming painfully against the rearview mirror. Aria quickly regained her confidence and shoved Ryan away. It didn't do any good, however, because he shoved her right back. She fell and her forearm skidded against the concrete. Ezra's eyes widened at not only the sight of the violent action, but the woman's face. It was without a doubt Aria Montgomery. Ezra immediately stepped out from the shadows and shoved the man roughly towards the ground as Aria got up.
"What the fuck, man?" Ryan yelled, picking himself up, ready for a fight. Aria stopped massaging her now sore arm looking at her savior. Was that… no, no way. Aria must've been dreaming.
Ryan got up before Ezra could say anything to Aria. Ryan threw the first punch to Ezra's face, but Ezra didn't get caught off guard. He punched him straight back before jabbing him in the gut. Ryan leaned over and Ezra pushed him to the ground again. "Stay away from her."
Ezra reached out for Aria's hand and interlocked her fingers with his. Aria, too stunned to say or do anything, let him hold her hand and power walked away by his side. He led her to his car and she followed, bewildered. He opened the door for her and Aria got into the car – no problem, no fight.
Ezra, who was fuming over the audacity that douche had to lay a hand on Aria, circled around the car and got into the driver's seat. The tension in the car was awkward as Ezra started the heater. As he turned the knob to control the temperature, Aria rested her hand on his. He turned to her and she gasped. "Ezra."
He smiled at hearing her voice again and looking into those hazel eyes he loved so much. "Are you okay?"
Aria furrowed her eyebrows, so Ezra motioned to her arm. She followed his gaze and realized that her arm was dripping with blood thanks to the large scrape the concrete had caused. "Oh, uh…"
Ezra grabbed a napkin from the console and handed it to her. She pressed it against the blood as Ezra cleared his throat. "Where do you want me to take you?"
Aria couldn't find her voice as she looked at him. Aria was glad he showed up when he did, but why was he here? After what seemed like hours of silence, Aria stuttered, "Um, I don't know. I mean, he knows where I live and I don't… I don't want him to know where I am."
Ezra nodded as he understood. He gingerly touched her wounded arm and asked, "Do you want to go get that checked out or…"
"It's just a scrape," Aria responded. "I don't need stitches."
Ezra gulped as he formulated a sentence in his head. He had a thought of where they could go, but was worried to suggest the idea to Aria. "I have bandages back at my apartment. It's only about ten minutes from here."
Aria's whole body tensed up, but she found herself nodding. "Okay."
The ride to his new apartment was tense and filled with deafening silence. After an eternity, he pulled into his assigned parking spot and turned the car off. Before Aria made a move to exit the car, Ezra grabbed a spare jacket from the backseat. He handed it to her and smiled slightly, "It's cold."
Suddenly everything was set in motion for Aria as the simple fact of her not having a jacket and that she was holding his scared her. She hadn't talked to him and the last few times she had, she would do anything to forget.
Ezra sensed her nerves and got out of the car. He walked around the other side, opened her door, and helped her out of the seat. He took the jacket from her hands and wrapped it around her shaking shoulders. He wasn't sure if her shaking was due to recent events of the guy in the parking lot or if she was afraid of him. Ezra decided that her cause of shaking was the cold New York winter air, but knew that was hardly the case.
He guided her towards his apartment as they walked silently next to each other. He opened the door to his home and switched the lights on. He turned and asked, "Do you want some coffee or tea? Anything?"
Aria nodded, "Yeah, I'll take some tea. Could you put- "
"Honey in it?" he questioned, interrupting her. Aria felt herself smiling on the inside at his memory of her, but simply nodded her head on the outside. "Yes, please."
He started working in the kitchen as Aria sat down on the couch. The setup of the apartment was different than 3B, but it was still decorated the same. Ezra had the same sheets, same navy blue walls, and same leather couch. Aria's gaze lingered on a poster residing on the wall. She sighed noticing the scotch tape all over it. Flashbacks of her trashing his apartment flooded her mind and she wished he had just thrown the damn poster away. It looked awful covered with tape.
She examined her arm some more while he poured her a cup of tea. He set two cups down on the table and sat next to her uncomfortably. After he took a sip, he stood back up and headed to the bathroom to get bandages. As he stood up, he took a detour and stepped by his desk. Hoping Aria wouldn't notice, he placed a picture frame face down before walking to the bathroom.
Aria however did notice, and being the curious person she was, got up and stepped to his desk. As her hand neared the picture frame, she grew nervous. What if it was a picture of a new girlfriend? What if the unknown woman and Ezra looked impeccably happy that he didn't want Aria to see it? Her thoughts got the best of her and she quickly flipped the picture up, bracing herself for the possible outcome.
But as she looked at the picture, it wasn't of an unknown woman and Ezra, it was her and Ezra. It was the same picture - different frame - that she had thrown across his apartment in anger three years ago.
Aria felt a tear drip down her cheek as she stared at the picture. She and Ezra had been so happy together. She still loved him like crazy and wondered if Ezra still loved her, if he ever really did in the first place. Some days, the letter would voice itself in her head as well as all the times Ezra risked his freedom, life, and career for her and Aria would know that he really did love her and just made a colossal mistake. But on bad days, all she could think about was that she was just research and was a pawn in Ezra's writing, not someone he loved.
Ezra gathered an assortment of band aids and wipes before heading back out to his small den. Aria heard his floorboard creak and jumped. She placed the picture back to its spot on the desk, face up, and sat back down on the couch.
When Ezra saw her with the picture frame, he was scared that she would run, creeped out that he still had a picture of her up. But once she sat down, he smiled awkwardly. "Aria, I…"
She shook her head, "It's fine."
He sighed and grabbed a disinfectant wipe from the supplies he had gathered. Ezra gently reached for her arm and wiped the dried blood away. "Sorry if it stings," he muttered. After a few minutes, he had bandaged her arm with multiple small band aids and oversized gauze.
Aria rested her hand on his. "Thank you," she whispered.
"No problem," Ezra replied. "Sorry that all the band aids are small."
"No," Aria shook her head. "Thank you for stopping him, in the parking lot."
Ezra nodded and responded, "You're welcome… really, though, are you okay?"
Aria sighed, "I don't know… do you have, like, an ice pack or anything?"
"Yeah," Ezra told her, getting up toward the fridge. He grabbed it before giving it to her.
Aria saw the light catch Ezra's face and handed it back to him. "Do you need it? For your eye?"
Ezra self-consciously touched his freshly bruised eye from the scuffle with Ryan. "Oh, no, I'm good. Wait, before I got there, did he punch you?" Ezra interrogated angrily. How badly had he hurt his girl?
"No, he shoved me into the car. My back hit the mirror," Aria explained.
Ezra nodded, remembering, before sitting back down. "Has he hurt you like this before?" Aria tensed up and was suddenly ashamed of herself for ever staying with Ryan. Ezra got a clear answer before she even said anything. "Aria…"
"Don't do that!" she yelled. "Don't act like you actually care, okay?"
"But, I do, Aria," Ezra told her. "You don't deserve that."
"I know, okay? I know that. He's not that bad, though…" Aria defended, but she wasn't sure why.
Ezra scoffed, "Not that bad? Aria, he shoved you into the car and pushed you down on the concrete!"
"Why were you even there?" Aria spat. "Are you still stalking me?"
Ezra winced at the term before explaining, "I was at the bar across the street and heard you two fighting when I left. I didn't even know you were in New York. How long have you lived here?"
Aria was relieved at the subject change. "Ever since I started college… so this is where you went after, after I told you to leave?"
Ezra nodded, "I've always loved New York." A silence settled between the two and Ezra muttered, "If you want me to take you home-"
"No!" Aria shouted. "No, please. Ryan will probably show up there and I don't want to see him. Not tonight, anyway."
"You shouldn't see him ever, Aria," Ezra advised. "If he's hurting you-"
Aria stopped him, "I need to get out of the relationship, I get it."
Ezra swallowed down the lump in his throat and cautiously offered, "If you want, you can stay here. I'll take the couch. Or, there's a hotel a few blocks away, I can take you there."
"I can't afford that, right now," Aria said. She sighed before saying, "I'll take the couch, Ezra. I don't mind."
Ezra smiled at her acceptance of spending the night, even if it wasn't the same situation it had been years ago. He stepped towards his dresser and grabbed a pair of boxers he hardly ever wore and a t shirt. It was the same Hollis t-shirt she always wore years before. It surprised him that he had managed to keep it post break up and that she hadn't "stolen" it.
He laid the clothes in front of Aria, "I'll leave if you want to change. Or you can stay in the dress if you…"
His voice faded out as Aria grabbed the shirt from the table. A slight smile crossed her face as she thought about all the times she had worn this specific shirt. "You remember."
Ezra grinned, "Why was that your favorite shirt?"
Aria bit her lip and let the alcohol take over as she confessed, "It always smelled the most like you."
Ezra chuckled a little before sitting next to her, closer than before. "Aria, I'm sorry about everything that happened. I never, ever meant to hurt you. And I didn't plan on-"
"I know, I read the letter," she interrupted.
Ezra raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You did?" Aria nodded and Ezra added, "I always wondered if you had. I wondered if the new owners found it and laughed at it or something."
Aria smirked and motioned to the picture. Aria, saying words she'd regret later, asked, "Ezra, do you still love me?" After a second, she continued. "Did you ever love me?"
Ezra gasped a little and nodded. "Of course I did. I always loved you. I swear, I wasn't lying whenever I said I love you. I did," Ezra assured. Hadn't she read the letter? After a split second, Ezra changed his statement. "I, I do love you." Aria, even though most of this had been in the letter, smiled. Ezra held her hand and squeezed it lovingly. "Do you, do you love me still?"
Aria felt tears in her eyes as she gripped his hand harder. "Yes," she murmured almost silently. "I shouldn't, but I do."
"I wish I could fix everything, Aria," Ezra admitted, "change what happened."
"Me too," Aria agreed. "I've missed you a lot, actually. When graduation came around, I couldn't stop thinking that if things had happened differently that we would've finally been okay, finally free of all the rules."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Aria nodded, "I know." And she really did. She knew how much he regretted the book, but after the letter, and talking to Ali, and finding herself a bit more, she knew Ezra wasn't the bad guy. And after tonight, Aria decided to just accept that the universe wanted them to be together. It was fate, they were soul mates. Aria and Ezra still had a lot of baggage to sort through, but she figured it would be easier going through that together. Aria smiled and looked up at Ezra. "You know, you can sleep in the bed, too."
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
Thanks for reading! By the way, for any of you read my two shot Tell Her I'm Sorry, I will be adding a segment to it later tonight! Please review! :)