A/N: This is my first Twilight Fanfic, I just recently got into it. This takes place at the end of Twilight, while Bell's pondering the horrifying idea of choosing sides.
Disclaimer: All material and characters in this story belong to the author of Twilight and New Moon, Stephenie Meyer.
Choosing SidesA true love…someone who would travel across the world to see you, who'd slosh through violent snowstorms just to spend one more second with you, who…loves you.
Edward.
A friend…someone who's always there for you, who cares for you, who makes you laugh, who…loves you.
Jacob. Jacob had always been there. In a way, I had been sinking deeper and deeper into a hole. A deserted hole. Completely empty. From the day Edward left, from that fateful moment that Sam Uley found me sprawled in the forest…I had started digging, sinking. And I had been going deeper, farther…without even realizing it. I had drifted away form the world, away from reality, away from life. I had gotten so deep, that even if I wanted to, I couldn't get out. Even if I tried, if I climbed with all my willpower, I couldn't pull myself out. Not alone. Where my heart should have been, there were holes. Edward had taken my heart with him, whether he knew it or not. It could never come back, because it had always been his. I was stuck in a pit, a black, endless pit.
But Jacob…Jacob pulled me out. He gave me rope, support, light. A reason to stay, a reason to enjoy. A reason to live.
And whether I knew it or not, I had fallen in Love. What was wrong with it anyway? Why didn't I go? Why did I pull back, if I loved him?
…Because I was terrified. Terrified of déjà vu. Terrified of heartbreak, of abandonment. Terrified of going through all of it, all over again. Terrified of remembering. Even the smallest things would remind me. If I had kissed Jacob, it would remind me of that mind-blowing first kiss I had shared with Edward. If I ever encountered that meadow with Jacob, I would be a mess. I couldn't just willingly let the memories flood. And another relationship would be simply provoking all the memories to come back, to haunt me. So I said no. I made it clear that I didn't want to follow through with it. I think, though, somewhere in him head, he knew. He knew I would fall apart if he rushed it. So he stayed with me. He was always there, right be my side. Ready to help, ready to do anything. And it meant everything in the world. The hole was healing. My heart was coming back. Slowly, but surely. I was alive again. At that point, willingly or not, I had fallen even more in love with Jacob.
He said he would protect me. He promised he would never hurt me. And in a way, he never did. Not physically. But mentally…
I cared about him, more than almost anything else. When he began ignoring me, I knew something was wrong. Something had to be wrong. I waited for him, and he came. He was different. He was cold. His eyes were completely devoid of emotions. That day, everything I had been dreading came back. Everything. It was exactly as before. We went for a walk.
Memories…
He told me it wouldn't work.
Memories…
He left.
Memories…
That was just too much for one day. I was broken. The little pieces of my heart he had replaced had gone back with him. They had vanished, and in their place came dark, worn emptiness. And, again, I was slipping into the hole, unable to stop.
Night came. It meant nothing to me. Why would it? Night, sleep. Day, wake. It was all routine.
He came. He apologized. Deep in his husky tone, I could sense the sincerity.
That night, it all made sense. Puzzle pieces which were lost, came back. I found them. It clicked.
And the picture?
…It was horrifying.
I talked to him. I understood. He wasn't killing people, he was protecting them.
Life came back.
…Victoria came along. Thoughts of her torture kept me awake all night, screaming, flailing. I stayed in La Push most days, and…one day…I don't know what came over me. I wasn't feeling particularly suicidal, I just…needed the risk. I needed the adrenaline, pulsing through my veins. I needed the adventure, the knowledge that this wasn't safe. I needed to hear his voice. I jumped. I climbed, and jumped.
Swim, stay alive.
No.
I gave up.
But…I was alive. How? It hurt, but I was there. How?
Jacob had saved me. Again.
The love etched itself deeper.
I came home; and was stunned to find Alice. Alice. Kind, pale and beautiful.
I loved her, too.
Jake was hurt, not physically, but inside, he was hurt. It was killing me to know I did that to him.
That was when I first understood it: I had to choose sides.
Jacob and Alice repelled each other. At that time, it hadn't seemed as important. I brushed it away, classifying the thought as "something to be considered in spare time", and storing it in some minute corner of my mind.
Jacob came. He made it even clearer that he and "the bloodsuckers" couldn't get along. To each other, they even smelt bad.
And I loved both of them.
The love I felt for both Alice and Jacob couldn't be undone; it was from my very essence that it came from.
Again, the thought was pulled forth from the tiny crevice of my mind where I had stashed it: you have to choose sides. Once again, I shoved it away. At that moment, I couldn't even bear the thought of deciding whom my love laid with: The vampires, or the werewolves? Even thinking it was out-of-the-question. The thought was squeezed into a back corner.
Memories were coming back. Alice got the call, the ever-changing call.
Edward was going to kill himself.
Edward. The one I loved.
Thoughts were swimming, unweaving, joining. I couldn't think, I could barely breathe.
Out. Go, now. Edward needs your help. Go.
Jacob tried to stop me, he didn't want me hurt.
I'm sorry, Jake. I love him. I'm sorry for every time I've hurt you. I never meant to, Jake. I love you, too.
I left. The plane, Italy…
It was all a blur. I remember the force of the feelings. The love, for Edward. The confusion, why was he doing this? The guilt, for hurting Jacob. The pain, of everything.
…I saved him. I saved him. Edward was back. He loved me. Life was safe, life was happy.
…But Jacob wasn't.
Jacob wasn't happy, he was hurt, he was suffering. Because of me. I met him in the woods, with Edward. He face was disgusted when he observed our closeness.
The thought came back.
You have to choose sides.
He spat out his words directed to Edward.
You have to choose sides.
Jacob loved me. Edward loved me. I loved Jacob. I loved Edward.
You have to choose sides.
Jake's face crumpled in pain, and he walked away.
You must choose sides.
…I'll choose sides because Jacob loves me. I'll choose sides because Edward loves me. I'll choose sides because I can't stand to see Jake in pain. I'll choose sides because I can't stand to see Edward in pain. I'll choose sides because I can't hurt Edward. I'll choose sides because I can't hurt Jacob.
I'll choose sides.
I'll choose both.