Summary: He condemned himself to a road of damnation.
Warnings: depression, drug abuse, anger everywhere, self-harm (sort of), eventual suicide. Please be warned that this is not going to be a fluffy, happy fic.
The Boy
. . .
The vicious, hostile and hot dark red fire that bubbled, hissed at and burned anyone that got in its way wasn't a part of Kuroko, would never be a part of him.
Or so he liked to believe.
A rational state of mind that didn't involve imagining the world crumbling into fine dust was what Kuroko liked to desperately cling onto, like a broken prayer to God. Kuroko liked being Kuroko/Tetsu/Kurokocchi/Kurochin/Tetsu-kun, the calm, poker-faced boy that all his friends associated with, and know him as Kuroko Tetsuya, their phantom player and friend. He didn't want to be Kuroko Tetsuya, known as the big ball of hate with the ferocity of an angered, insane tiger and the fucking mess he actually was.
His friends, or he had them, were six who he loved dearly and didn't want to let go. One who lost all hope after his ascension to godhood, one who tried to dethrone the emperor, the other who heavily depended on the machinations of stars, one who only toyed with others, one who never wanted to be proved wrong and the last, lost and scared at the monsters the other five became.
("I don't even know how to receive your passes anymore.")
("Why bother? Everyone will lose anyways, 'cause we're strong.")
("My sign has determined it is bad for me to play today. But does it matter, since Aomine will beat them all?")
("Hmm… let's make a game out of the scores to liven things up a little.")
("What are you saying? Of course I am Akashi Seijuuro, Tetsuya.")
("What will be do, Tetsu-kun? Everyone's not… like the way they used to be anymore…")
The day the third championship ended was the day his world just stopped turning on its axis, everything slowed down and nothing mattered anymore, not when time just stood there, watching his friends ruin themselves. Nothing mattered and he didn't care or give a single fuck at all, because screw it, the world could crumble to dust and he wouldn't even bat an eye.
Their glory days were over and in turn, their legend created resentment, in the school teams they played against, and made a monster that never wanted to bare its claws.
In truth, Kuroko Tetsuya was an ugly monster – a dirty mess, a tragic creation, a ticking time-bomb that would cause destruction at any moment.
Thus, he finally became the one thing he avoided avidly – the angry, lousy, pathetic, self-loathing boy that he never wanted to be.
If time watched his friends ruin themselves, then time would watch him as he ruins himself, too.
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Right after Kuroko cut off all ties with them, he wandered in the snow-filled city, alone and invisible. To him, snow was depressing and made him feel detached from the rest of society, which was fine with him. He didn't feel the need or want to connect with others, nor did he wanted to try again when all it did was hurt him in the end because he tried too hard to keep them together, tearing himself apart while doing so.
So, he wandered, without destination, without a care, without a thought. Caring less and eventually not caring at all was Kuroko's new best friend, because caring for someone was so tiring and a thankless job, so why bother when all he needed, was himself? In the end, the only person that mattered to him, was himself, no? So there was truth in his statement and no one else could argue with it, could they?
Minutes later, when he found himself in front of a dark and dirty alley, filled with a few people, either smoking, squatting together burning a spoon and murmuring backdoor deals, he shrugged and forged on. It's not like anyone would notice his existence and if they did, they wouldn't care, just like him. The one thing he learned, after rejection and missing pieces of his heart, was that the world carried on even if someone vanished. If Kuroko Tetsuya vanished, no one would be bothered, because it would be like trying to catch air. One person hardly made a difference compared to the entire universe.
But he was surprised when someone approached him.
"Hey, kid, kinda illegal for ya to be here, don't ya think?" a tall, brunet man with slightly dirty clothes whispered harshly, taking a drag of his cigarette when he shivered from the sudden burst of cold air from the left. Kuroko didn't mind the smell of smoke, inhaling it even, because it calmed him as it reminded him of fire. Sweet, burning, destructive fire that would destroy anything, just like him, who was made to destroy and be destroyed. "But don't ya worry; I ain't gonna sell ya out. Ya got to have a reason, comin' here even though ya look like you belong to elementary. What'cha need?"
"I need something that'll take off my mind." Kuroko replied, not at all bothered when the others noticed him and flicked their gazes at him, searching him, finding for a certain something, before returning to whatever they were engaged in. See, he was right. They didn't care, just like him. Mind his own business, and they would theirs. "Don't care about the effects, because I just don't."
That's why when he bought the pack, he smiled.
Yes, he didn't care at all – the consequences, the aftermath, whatever fancy word to describe "bad effects".
Why should he?
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The next day, Kuroko came back to the very same alley, looking for the man that gave him the pack. He obviously miscalculated in the fact that he didn't know jack shit about drugs, therefore did not know how to even use the pack he was given for approximately 3000 yen. He knew he was being stupid, but then again, buying drugs is stupid, so what was his point?
"Back here, eh, kiddo?" the same man, who was still the same as yesterday but thankfully in a fresh set of clothes, grinned at him. Kuroko did his best to control himself to not look like a deer caught in headlights. He wasn't sure how he was faring when the man grinned even wider. "Looks like it's a first time for ya, but I got that when you didn't ask for specifics yesterday."
"Just shut up and tell me how to use it." Kuroko snapped back, which was uncharacteristic of him, but he was cold as fuck and irritated as hell. He wasn't used to it, but it was actually nice letting all of his tightly-bottled up emotions go, just like that.
"A favor then and no, not money." The man looked unaffected by Kuroko's sudden retort and waved him off when Kuroko reached into his pockets to grab some spare change he had with him. "Don't go to the other guys for the stuff. Find me if you need more. I can even set you up a place for free to do this, if you got nowhere else."
"It's fine, I live alone." Kuroko mumbled, instantly suspicious of the man. He could buy whatever drugs he wanted from whatever dealer there was and that was not this man's choice, but his. Though he would agree for now, because he didn't want to jump from place to place to find himself illegal things to shop. "Is that it?"
Apparently, it was the wrong question.
"Nah, just one more thing." He continued. "Introductions, 'cause callin' ya kid or kiddo is a pain in the ass and we need a little formality, even if what I'm doing ain't right. You can call me Kyou-san and if you don't want to tell me yer name, I'll call ya… Yuu, from yuurei, 'cause kid, you're as pale as a fucking ghost." He chuckled.
"People don't generally notice me. I'm surprised you did." Kuroko did not roll his eyes, but he was close to it.
"Well, almost scared the fuckin' daylights outta me when you appeared from goddamn nowhere town." Kyou shrugged, not at all repentant that he admitted it, because hey, honesty is the best policy, other than money of course. "If everyone weren't as high as fuckin' kites yesterday, they would'da screamed. Like stupid little girls."
It was Kuroko's turn to shrug. Not his fault if people got scared, or in their case, shocked if he "suddenly" appeared.
"Anyways," said Kyou as he tossed the pack back to Kuroko, who caught it on time. "It's powder, bro, you gotta snort it. Sniff it. Smell it. Whatever." He said as he waved Kuroko off, who walked away to go back to his house.
All he had to do was use his nose for this?
Well that was a waste of time and energy.
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When Kuroko entered his room, he locked the windows, closed the curtains and door. Then, he sat down on the floor, in front of his small table, placing the pack on the table. He opened the pack, which was actually a zip locked sandwich bag quarter filled with white powder and dipped his index finger in, letting the powder stick onto his skin.
When he brought his powder covered finger out of the bag and sniffed it, the intense euphoria and pleasure that came right after was absolute bliss.
He didn't feel like the angry, lousy, pathetic, self-loathing boy that he already became.
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Day after day after day, he stuck a finger into the bag and brought it back out to sniff it. It became a custom, a routine, a tradition, to do it when he was waiting for the school month to start. When school ended in late December, he felt relieved that he no longer had to actively avoid them, but it instantly became a nightmare, because he was trapped within his own cage.
He didn't know how long he had been holding onto it but one day, he decided that he should probably stop doing drugs, even though whatever he was doing seemed so minor compared to the hardcore drug addicts he saw on the internet and television. So, he hid the pack within the back of the kitchen cabinets, forgetting it for the rest of the day and read books instead. That one day turned into a few, which then turned into a week.
It ended in a disaster.
At first, he thought the chill was from the ongoing winter and he tried to fix it by turning up the heat. When he looked at the food in his refrigerator, he almost threw up, because the thought of all of it going to his stomach and the act of digestion made him feel horrid. He was a horrible eater anyways, so no surprise there.
Then the doorbell rang and it was fucking loud.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding –
"Hello, delivery service." A muffled voice came beyond the door. It was probably some stupid package from his parents who were working in Italy right now. "Hello, is anyone there-"
"Fuck off!" Kuroko shouted, loud and hysterical. He didn't know why, but he felt itchy all over and angry, for no reason at all. His anger was well kept in check in the past… whatever-how-long weeks he had been home. He didn't understand why that nasty emotion was coming back now when he had been fine for so long. He just wanted to tear, to rip, to hurt. "I'm busy!"
Why did he say he was busy? What was he even busy with? With anger?
"Uh-uhm, sir-" the voice sounded bewildered but Kuroko didn't care. He felt vexed and antagonized by the voice.
"J-just leave the package there." Kuroko stuttered. He breathed in and out, trying to control himself. "Leave."
"But I need you to s-sign-"
"I said leave!"
The sound of the package colliding with the snow was heard loud and clear, but Kuroko ignored it in favor of searching for the pack he hid in the cabinet.
When he couldn't find it, he grabbed a glass and threw it onto the floor, watching it break into a million tiny pieces. It soothed the burn on his soul a little, watching the pieces fall and tumble like that and he felt fascinated. Breaking something made him feel so in control. It was like hurting another and you could control how much you could hurt them before they eventually shattered. After the first glass, he broke the porcelain teacups his mother loved, the glassware, his father's glass figurines collection, the decorative plates that hung on the walls and pretty much anything that was breakable. Smash after smash after smash, he felt his anger seeping away slowly, like water that flowed down a river.
Eventually, he calmed down and told himself that he needed to clean the mess he made. He tried picking up a larger piece but accidentally cut himself and it made him froze.
The red ran across his cracked and split skin, dripping onto the floor like a faucet that wasn't fully turned close. It felt as fascinating as watching the glass break and this time, he felt enlightened, that he had so much control in his life, but didn't know.
His unhurt hand carefully grabbed the glass piece, positioning it against the hurt one and move in closer, scratching along the skin, as gentle as a lover's caress.
It felt so good to be in control.
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Later, he remembered that he hid the pack behind the cabinet with containers of tea leaves and spices.
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Sweet, sweet, motherfucking release it was –
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When the high faded away, Kuroko Tetsuya reverted back to the angry, lousy, pathetic, self-loathing boy that he always was.
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The package was forgotten, until a week later, when Kuroko went out of his house to shovel the snow off his lawn.
It was thoroughly soaked and slightly frozen, but he didn't care and threw it onto the kitchen floor to open later.
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When Kuroko didn't have the high from substances or being in control, he became the boy he didn't want to be.
So, the logical conclusion was to get more when he finished the one he had and wasn't satisfied with seeing the thin lines that ran along his wrists.
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.
"Fuck, Yuu, ya look like someone killed a kitten in front of ya." Kyou commented, laughing when he saw Kuroko's disheveled state. His clothes were messy, he had the worst bed hair and had red rimmed eyes. "What happened?"
"I finished the pack and I've been acting weird lately." Said Kuroko, scratching his wrists without even knowing. It didn't go unnoticed under Kyou's watchful gaze. "I've always been an angry person and I've kept it under… control… but lately, when I stopped, it comes back in full force and even worse than before."
"When did you stop using?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "If you used too much of the stuff, there's no turning back."
Kuroko kept quiet, finally understanding what Kyou was trying to get across.
He was suffering from cocaine withdrawal.
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When he lost the will to love them, he lost the will to be human. That, he supposed, turned him into the disgusting beast but in this tale, there would be no happy ending or loose ends tied up neatly.
In Beauty and the Beast, a compassionate, beautiful woman, the Beauty, taught the unpleasant, vile, cynical Beast how to love, turning it back into human in the process and the two lived happily ever after, in love and forever in the magical moment together. That was how fairy tales ended, in everlasting happiness, known as "The End".
But if Kuroko was the Beast, his tale wouldn't be like that of the classic Beauty and the Beast. This is reality and there would be no princesses or kindness that would teach him how to love, nor was there an existence of "The End".
He didn't want to love and because of that, the story of the Beast would continue.
(Did he try to save himself, then, if no one was the Beauty in his tale or kindness he needed?
No, he didn't.
Instead, he bought more.
Why?
It was because he still didn't care.)
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Most of the time, he was as high as a fucking cloud.
Maybe the next time, he would ascend to godhood like Aomine-kun and the rest of them.
Maybe then, he would be able to help them.
Or would he turn into a star first?
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There was always the phrase, "one day". There was always a "one day" for everything, like, "one day, I'll…", "one day, this happened…" or "one day", like in stories. This time, there is a "one day" in the Beast's tale.
One day, the Beast thought the loneliness was unbearable because unlike in the story, the Beast did not kidnap someone's father and said someone came to it's dark castle to keep it company, in exchange for her father's freedom. The Beast thought that if life was not worth living, not worth going through with it, it should stop because living was useless.
Under the effects of a powerful spell it induced upon itself, it marched forward to the tallest tower in its castle and prepared for a journey, albeit a short one, that it didn't need, but wanted.
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When he jumped, he felt like Icarus, who was an arrogant fucker that only had fake wings.
In the mythology, his father had initially crafted him wings of feathers and wax and gave him a warning of complacency and hubris. When he ignored his father's warnings and flew too close to the sun, his wings melted and he fell into the sea. Obviously, he drowned, and died.
There were notable differences between Kuroko and Icarus.
One, Kuroko didn't have wings.
Two, Kuroko wasn't an arrogant fucker.
Three, Kuroko jumped, not because he believed he could fly, but because he wanted to.
Four, Kuroko jumped, because he knew no one would care if he vanished.
Five, one person made no difference.
Six, Kuroko was and will always be invisible.
Lastly, it was an established fact that the world continued on even if one person died.
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So was he the Beast, who was cursed because it could not love, or Icarus, the boy who thought he could fly high in the skies and beyond?
He didn't know either and when he fell,
His chest ached,
and there was only darkness that greeted him.
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In the end, he forgot to clean up and to open the goddamn package left on the kitchen floor.
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You know what's funny? The fact that his body wasn't found until eleven hours later, on the eleventh of winter February.
A/N: Honestly, I don't regret writing this, even if it is somewhat a piece of crap (this gives off a "meh" feeling to me, but I do like my class fairytale and myth symbolism crap here). The idea, summary and some plot points was saved in my phone since last year (I think?) and I didn't get to write it until now.
Sorta depressing and not what I usually write, but hey, a change once in a while isn't bad. Though I wanted to develop it a bit more and make it a bit longer, I got kinda lazy and liked the vagueness plus the Beast and Icarus references more than developing it.
Also, I am not romanticizing any of what I just wrote, in case you got the wrong idea. If you are doing drugs, self-harming or feeling suicidal, please talk to someone close to you, vent it out in a safe way (don't break glass, guys!) or call a suicide/self-help hotline, if it's available at where you live. ^^