A/N: This is an absolutely ridiculous spoof parody not only of ME in general, but also of my Del Shepard from the original DE fics. This was written on a dare.
This will be incredibly ridiculous. Please don't expect any coherent plot, or even for me to stay within the ME universe. Don't expect most of it will make any kind of sense. This may continue or it may halt without any warning. Or I may pull a Sopranos and stop in midsentence. You don't know! Not one of y'alls knows!
Follow the dramatic adventures of Commander Sybil Shepard! Known by most of her friends as Snoo-Snoo, this wealthy tagalog speaking rebel saves the galaxy and woos her love by playing romantic banjo music outside their quarters late...LATE at night. Born into a wealthy family, she wanted for nothing. She's part eskimo, speaks tagalog fluently, wears a Stetson, drinks gin, and listens to old Jewish rap songs.
She will save the galaxy…one pork rind at a time.
"…a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…"
Light chipped off armor like a bad putt out of the sand trap onto the green, glimmering with all the icy truthfulness of an Osmond smile. A hand tightened on the haft of a sword, and Sybil cast her flowing dark locks back from her face, striking a most epic pose indeed.
"She was Xe-"
"Snoo-Snoo!"
"Ah, goddamn buggery!"
The sword point thumped to the ground and she adjusted the double super secret efficient binding mechanism holding her home-made breastplate steady. Pouting, she looked toward her bedroom door as her mother poked her head in. "Are you playing with that ridiculous Comic-Con costume again?"
"I'm an N7 marine, Mother! Not a little girl-"
"You're wearing a leather skirt and a metal bra held on by duct-tape-"
"Double efficient binding mechanism, Mother, and it's super secret!"
"Uh huh…your little friend Anderson is on the phone for you."
"He's an Admiral, Mother!"
"As you say dear, as you say. And pick up your ponies. They're all over the floor."
"They're doing recognizance!" She snatched up one of the plastic ponies in question, waving its brightly colored flaxen tresses around in front of her mother's face. "Respect the rainbow! RESPECT IT!"
"Uh huh."
Her mother stepped out, disappearing down the hall. Glaring after her, Sybil set the pony on her nearby dresser and forcefully adjusted the sagging breastplate, murmuring about heathens and parents just not understanding. The fact her mother could not appreciate her absolutely epic warrior princess outfit was just proof of how out of touch the woman was with reality.
Going over Sybil answered the phone, clearing her throat as she adopted her serious marine face. "Special agent Commander Spectre Savior Sybil Shepard speaking!"
"…you're not a spectre yet, Shepard," came the reply.
"Oh. Right…"
"And you haven't actually saved anything yet either."
"That's not true. I saved a bunch of money on my car insu-"
"Don't. Just…don't. I need you to report to the Normandy first thing in the morning. We've got a mission to Eden Prime."
"Yes sir Admiral sir!"
"…I'm just a captain right now, Shepard."
"Oh."
"You need to stop reading ahead. You're going to confuse your audience."
"I thought that was the point?"
"Just…report to the Normandy tomorrow, ok?"
"Yeah yeah. Ooh, one question, sir."
"…no, you can't wear the Xena costume."
"…what about the Sailor Moo-"
"NO."
"Fuck. FINE. Picard out."
She hung up before he could point out that Picard wasn't actually her name, and started painstakingly peeling off the super secret efficient binding mechanism. Comic-Con would have to wait.
There was an Eden to Prime.
"So, I hear our new commander is hot."
Joker looked over at the man sitting at the next station, and lifted his eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. If she is, I'm going to develop an unhealthy attachment to her."
"Wh-what? Why would you do that?"
"Well, after a series of bad relationships I've decided it saves everyone some time if I just cut to the chase, you know? It'll end like all the others anyway, might as well skip directly to the restraining order."
Joker edged in his seat a bit, until he was a bit further away from Alenko. "You…there's something wrong with you, man."
"Yeah, maybe. Or is it right, Joker? Is it something right?"
"Uh…" Looking around nervously, Joker spied Anderson heading his way. "Captain! Oh, thank God you're here…"
Anderson eyed his pilot in confusion. "Everything all right?"
"I was just…eager for orders, sir, that's all. Just don't leave me alone…hanging! I mean, hanging! Got places to go, relays to hit, right?"
"Yyyyyes. Ok. Well, Commander Shepard just came aboard so we're good to head out. Put us en route to the relay and head us toward Eden Prime."
As Anderson turned to go, Joker snatched out and grabbed the hem of his uniform tunic. "No, please…don't go."
"What is your problem?" Anderson demanded.
"Nothing I just…I don't like hitting a relay alone, that's all."
"Alenko is right there and I have things to do-"
"Uh…yeah, I know. Could…you know, someone in authority, or someone who has a side-arm maybe come and stand here for a while?"
Anderson sighed. "Fine. We have a council Spectre on board. I'll have him come stand here if it'll make you feel better."
Joker let out a breath of relief. "Yes sir, thank you sir."
Shaking his head, Anderson headed out, a turian entering a few minutes later. In the co-pilot's seat, Alenko was idly etching a heart into the helm control with a pocket knife, before he jammed the point of the knife through it.
Joker shivered.
This was gonna be a loooong-ass scary mission.