This is set sometime between Extraordinary Merry Christmas and Yes/No. Since we don't know if Brittany is 17 or 18 right now, she's 18 for the purposes of this story.
This is the fluffiest story I have ever written. It's also the first one I've written that actually fits into the canon universe. Weird.
I don't own Glee.
Kurt loved coffee.
He also loved his boyfriend, who would always stand in the long line at the Lima Bean and pay for both of their drinks so that Kurt could find them a table and sit down.
Admittedly, his mind was more focused on the coffee at the moment. As soon as he had his mocha he would be able to think about other things. Like the fact that he had a wonderfully dapper gentleman of a boyfriend, or that he had to avoid Rachel and Finn today because they'd had another fight and he really didn't want to get in the middle of that again, or that Brittany had just entered the coffee shop and was walking towards him purposefully.
Wait. Brittany had just entered the coffee shop and was walking towards him purposefully. This probably required immediate attention.
She reached his table and sat down in Blaine's seat.
"Kurt," she said. "I need your help. Is Blaine here?"
"Yes, he's getting the coffee," Kurt replied. He ignored the part of his mind screaming at him that things never ended well when Brittany needed his help. "Look, here he comes now."
"Blaine!" Brittany exclaimed happily as Blaine reached the table.
"Hi, Brittany," Blaine replied, awkwardly looking around and then dragging another chair up to their table to sit beside Kurt.
"I need your help," Brittany repeated.
"Okay…" Blaine looked to Kurt for help, but he just shrugged. "What do you need help with?"
Suddenly, Brittany's eyes filled with tears.
"Oh," Blaine said, looking terrified. He didn't have nearly as much experience dealing with crying girls as Kurt did. "I'm sorry, Brittany, did I say something wrong?" He couldn't imagine what he possibly could have said wrong with that sentence, but it was Brittany.
"No," Brittany whimpered. Kurt scooted closer to her to put his arm around her. "It's Lord Tubbington and Charity," she continued.
"Oh, no," Kurt said, wincing. "Sweetie, did they get hurt?"
"No," Brittany said, and both boys relaxed. "They got married."
"I—what?" Blaine asked.
"Lord Tubbington proposed so I married them," Brittany said, biting her lip with worry.
"Is that… bad?" Kurt asked cautiously.
"No!" Brittany exclaimed. Blaine glanced around nervously, but they didn't seem to be drawing too much attention to themselves.
"So what is it?" Kurt asked, looking completely flummoxed.
"They want to have a baby," Brittany explained, a couple of tears escaping her eyes. "But my mom says that they can't!"
Realization dawned on both boys at the same time.
"Oh," Kurt said. He wasn't quite sure as to whether he was required to explain this phenomenon or not.
Brittany continued to speak, though.
"But you guys can help!" she said, apparently remembering why she was telling them this.
"We can?" Blaine asked.
"When you two get married, you won't be able to have babies either," she explained. "Ms. Holiday taught me that. Because you both have p—"
"Okay!" Kurt cut her off frantically. He and Blaine had both turned beet red and were avoiding looking at each other. "We get it. So how can we help?"
"Well, I wanted to ask you how you were going to get your babies once you're married," Brittany said, causing Kurt and Blaine to blush even harder.
"Um," Blaine said awkwardly. "Well." He had no idea what to say. Luckily, Kurt seemed to regain his ability to speak.
"Well," Kurt said. "Theoretically, there are a few ways that, um, a couple who can't physically have kids can have kids."
"Ooh." Brittany looked intrigued. "How?"
"Well, Rachel's dads are gay, remember? Don't you remember how they had her?" Kurt asked.
Blaine looked around again to see that nobody was sitting within earshot, then turned back, deciding that he could probably look at Kurt again at this point.
"They mixed their sperm together!" Brittany exclaimed proudly. "And put it in Ms. Corcoran's v—"
"Brittany!" Kurt cut her off again. "Remember that list I gave you of words not to say in public?"
"I spilled cheese on it and Lord Tubbington ate it," Brittany said sadly. "And there were so many words. I couldn't remember them."
Kurt sighed.
"I'll print you another copy," he promised. "Anyway, that's surrogacy. When you… grow a baby in another woman." He was putting it as simply and non-explicitly as he could, but it was still pretty embarrassing. He glared at Blaine, informing him that he needed to help, too.
"Oh," Blaine said, finally speaking. "Yeah, but that wouldn't work for your cats, Brittany."
"It wouldn't? Couldn't we just find a girl cat and Lord Tubbington could make her pregnant?"
"No, honey, that wouldn't work because Lord Tubbington can't get girl cats pregnant, and Charity can't get pregnant either," Kurt explained.
"But there's other things you can do!" Blaine added quickly as Brittany's eyes welled up with tears again. "You can adopt a baby, too. That's what Ms. Corcoran did with Beth, right?"
"Oh yeah!" Brittany said. "Could we do that?"
Kurt looked relieved that there might actually be a solution to Brittany's problem.
"Did your mom say this was okay?" he asked.
"She said that I could get a cat if I wanted," Brittany explained. "She looked confused when I told her that I didn't want a cat, Charity did and Lord Tubbington agreed because he doesn't want her to leave him because she thinks he has commitment issues. But if it's okay for me to have one, it's okay for them to, right?"
Blaine smiled.
"Yes, it's okay," he replied. "But, they'll probably need your help a lot. You'll need to take care of their cat, too."
"Ooh, do I get to be their nanny?" Brittany asked excitedly.
"Sure?" Kurt said, hoping this was the right answer.
"Awesome," she said. "They'll need to pay me, though. We'll negotiate when we bring their baby home today."
"We?" Kurt asked.
"Today?" Blaine added.
Brittany's eyes widened pitifully.
"You guys will take me to the cat baby adoption place, right?" she asked.
The boys shared a look.
"Sure, Britt," Kurt answered.
"Now!" Brittany exclaimed happily.
Kurt and Blaine sighed.
"Okay," Blaine said, standing. "We'll just see that movie tomorrow, I guess."
"Yay!" Brittany said.
"Okay, Britt, Blaine and I drove here together, so we just have my car. How did you get here?" Kurt asked.
Brittany stilled for a moment, her brow wrinkling.
"I don't remember," she admitted.
"We'll just all go in Kurt's car, okay?" Blaine suggested.
Brittany nodded enthusiastically.
"Okay," Kurt lectured as they pulled up in font of Lima's Humane Society shelter. "It costs money to adopt a cat, Britt. It can add up to about a hundred dollars sometimes. Is that okay?"
Brittany nodded.
"I have money. I'll get Lord Tubbington to write a check to pay me back later."
"All right. Blaine, why don't you sit in the car with Brittany and she'll tell you about Charity and Lord Tubbington's wedding while I go call somebody?" He gave Blaine a look that Blaine interpreted to mean 'Distract her for just five minutes. It's not all that hard.'
Kurt stepped out of the car, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. Blaine turned to Brittany, who was watching him eagerly.
"Do you want to tell me about the wedding?" he asked.
"Totally. I tied a white towel to Charity's collar for a dress, and I made Lord Tubbington a collar with one of my bows glued to it for a bowtie. I had to kind of shove them together to make them kiss, because they're too shy to do it in front of me. Oh, and they had a bowl of kibble with my cat beanie baby as a wedding topper. Charity ripped it open, though, and it got the beanies everywhere."
"That sounds nice, Brittany," Blaine said, smiling.
"I would have invited you, but it was a family-only affair. Santana got to come, though, because she said she wanted to have our own little honeymoon while Charity and Lord Tubbington were busy with theirs."
She didn't seem to notice Blaine's mildly horrified expression.
"Most guys like watching us do that, but you guys wouldn't because you're Capital G. When you guys get married, can I grow your babies for you in my body?" she said absentmindedly.
Blaine's face flamed up again.
"Brittany, where are you getting this idea that Kurt and I are getting married?" he asked.
Brittany was suddenly glaring at him fiercely.
"You don't want to marry Kurt? Are you just in this to get into his dolphin pants?" she accused him.
"No!" Blaine said quickly. "No, I'd love to marry Kurt. I love Kurt, I promise. We just haven't really talked about it, and I'm just wondering why you're saying it all of the sudden."
"Oh," Brittany said, her expression going from angry to happy again in a matter of seconds. "Well, Santana said that you'd better end up married if she has to endure your bowties for the rest of the year just so you can be boyfriends."
Blaine smiled, but didn't have time to respond before the car door opened.
"Okay, Britt, are you ready to get your kitten?" Kurt asked from outside the car.
"Charity's kitten," Brittany corrected him as she climbed out of her seat. "But yes." Then she dashed ahead of them in excitement.
Kurt hung back and whispered to Blaine, "Her mother says it's okay, thank God."
Blaine nodded, because he did not want to have to imagine the look on Brittany's face if they had to tell her she couldn't get a kitten.
They entered the shelter just a few seconds after Brittany to see her talking to a very confused woman at the front desk.
"I said," Brittany said slowly. "I want to adopt a baby."
"I don't—" the woman stammered, looked completely lost.
Kurt sighed.
"She means a baby cat," he explained, before turning to Brittany. "Honey, baby cats are called kittens, remember?"
"Oh, yeah," Brittany said. "I want to adopt a kitten."
"Can we please look at your cats?" Blaine asked, rephrasing Brittany's request a little more politely.
"Of course," the woman told him.
"My cats got married and they want a baby," Brittany explained. Kurt gave the woman a sympathetic just-go-with-it look.
"That's wonderful," the woman said. "I'm Julie. Did you have any particular kind of cat in mind?"
"A baby cat," Brittany reiterated.
"Probably an older kitten," Kurt translated.
"We have a few that are about six months old," Julie said. "Which means they're just about hitting maturity."
"Does that mean they're babies?" Brittany asked. Kurt nodded at Julie behind Brittany's back.
"Yes," Julie answered, sounding bemused. "Here they are, if you want to look." She had led them to the cages containing the various cats housed in the shelter.
"Wow," Brittany said in awe. "We're lucky we got here early so people didn't adopt them all before we had a chance to!"
Kurt's eyes widened, and he frantically shook his head at Julie, begging her silently not to correct Brittany.
"You are lucky," Julie replied, smiling at Kurt, who breathed a sigh of relief. "You get to pick from some very nice kittens."
"Britt, why don't you and Blaine look at the kittens while I talk to Julie over here?" Kurt said as he looked around for Blaine. He spotted him staring at one of the younger cats with an adoring look.
"Kurt, I want a cat, too," he whined.
"No, Blaine, your sister's allergic, remember?" Kurt replied, trying not to sound too amused at his boyfriend. "Just help Brittany. You can visit her kitten, if you want."
"Charity's kitten," Brittany corrected him absentmindedly as she peered at one of the kittens through the bars of the cage.
"I am surrounded by children," Kurt muttered under his breath. Julie laughed and led Kurt over to the desk to begin filling out papers.
"Blaine," Brittany said reverently. "Come meet this one."
"Okay," Blaine said enthusiastically, scrambling up from his seat on the floor, where he had been observing one of the kittens.
He nudged Brittany slightly to the side so they could both lean in and watch the cat inside the cage. It was inky black and curled up in the middle of the cage, asleep. Then, as if it could sense their gazes, it opened its eyes and yawned.
"Aww!" Blaine and Brittany exclaimed at the same time.
It pulled itself up, then walked over towards them and poked one paw through the bars.
"Oh my God, its so cute!" Blaine said. Brittany nodded fervently.
"It's pointing at me. It wants me to take it home so it can be Charity's baby, I know it."
"It totally is," Blaine agreed. "I think it's smiling at you, look!"
Brittany looked closer at the kitten's face, and it tilted its head.
Blaine and Brittany both squealed.
"Did you see that?" Blaine asked Brittany.
"I know!" Brittany agreed. "It totally loves me."
"You need to get this one, Brittany," Blaine informed her.
"I will! But what would I name it?" she asked.
Blaine thought about this.
"Is it a boy or a girl?" he asked. Brittany shrugged.
He and Brittany looked over at Kurt.
"Is this one a boy or a girl?" Brittany asked.
Kurt sighed. Now there were two of them to deal with. Whatever happened to his dapper, mature boyfriend?
"It says on the card on the cage, guys. Honestly," he said drily.
"Ooh, it's a girl!" Brittany exclaimed.
"You know what we should do? We should buy one of those "It's a Girl" banners for Charity and Lord Tubbington," Blaine suggested excitedly.
"Can we get balloons, too? Lord Tubbington loves to pop balloons," Brittany asked.
"Totally. But what do we name her?" Blaine said, remembering their earlier problem.
"Ooh! How about Skinny? Her dad is Lord Tubbington because he's tubby, but she's skinny. So that should be her name," Brittany suggested.
"But then she should be Lady Skinny. Because when a Lord has a daughter then she's a Lady, right?"
Once again, Blaine and Brittany both looked to Kurt.
Without looking up from the paper he was filling out, he tiredly answered, "Yes, she would be a Lady. Brittany, I need the money you brought to pay for the adoption fee."
Brittany looked reluctant to part from the kitten. She dug through the bag on her shoulder and pulled out her wallet.
"You also need to sign this. Come on, Blaine can watch the cat."
"Lady Skinny," Blaine corrected him.
Brittany looked at the kitten sadly.
"I'll be right back," she whispered to her. "Blaine's going to watch you. Behave."
Then she skipped over to Kurt's side.
"Where do I write my name?" she asked, handing Kurt her wallet.
Julie pointed to several lines on the sheet, and Brittany quickly scrawled Brittany S. Pierce on each of them.
"The cat you've picked has been spayed, has all her shots, has been deflead and dewormed, and is microchipped," Julie explained to them.
Brittany looked at her, confused.
"I don't understand what you're saying," she admitted. "What's spayed?"
"Fixed," Julie clarified.
Brittany still looked puzzled. Kurt, remembering the misconception that had gotten them into this situation in the first place, was quick to intervene.
"It just means that she's healthy. She's not broken or anything," he told Brittany. Julie, bless her, didn't say anything to the contrary.
"Okay," Brittany said. "Can we take her now?"
"We need to pay," Kurt said patiently. "But I think I have everything else ready. "
Brittany turned to Julie.
"I already have two cats that are going to be Lady Skinny's parents, because they couldn't do surrogacy. So she'll be very loved and in a stable family environment," she explained. Julie, who had apparently figured out by now to just go with whatever Brittany said, nodded and smiled.
"That's great," she said. "Why don't we get Lady Skinny into her carrier now?"
Brittany squealed.
"Blaine," she called. "We're putting her in a carrier to take home now!"
Blaine made an excited noise not dissimilar to Brittany's, but Kurt was not going to label it as a squeal because he was still clinging to the idea of dapper, mature Blaine still existing somewhere beyond his own memory.
When Julie carefully handed Brittany the carrier, instructing her to keep it flat and carry it steadily, Kurt decided that, despite recent developments, he could probably still trust Blaine more with this particular job.
"Britt," he said. "Why don't you let Blaine carry Lady Skinny so you can text everybody about getting her?"
Brittany nodded and Blaine happily took the carrier from her. Kurt couldn't help but smile, because as dreamy as dapper Blaine was, excited Blaine was pretty damn adorable.
Blaine carried Lady Skinny out to the car as Kurt thanked Julie profusely, silently adding thanks for helping him to humor Brittany.
Brittany pulled Kurt back as he made to follow Blaine to the car.
"Guess what," she whispered.
"What?" he whispered back.
"In the car, Blaine said that he loves you, and that he doesn't just want your pants," she said happily, staring at him to gauge his reaction.
Kurt grinned.
"Well, I love him too," he said. Then, speaking louder so that Blaine could hear, he said, "Let's go get Lady Skinny all set up at Brittany's, okay?"
"We need to stop at the store and get balloons," Brittany told him.
"We can get balloons," Kurt said, nodding.
"And a banner!" Blaine called back from the car.
"And a banner," Kurt confirmed, smiling softly at his boyfriend.
The only first-hand knowledge I have about cat adoption is a very vague memory of getting a cat from when I was young. I did spend forever Googling it for information. I even went to the Allen County, Ohio Humane Society website and picked out a cat to be Lady Skinny (Her real name is Inky and she's adorable.) I'm sorry for any inaccuracies but I did try really hard to avoid them.
Reviews make me happier than a dapper teenage boy playing with a kitten.