Between Worlds

The past few months were nothing but a blur of dim emotions, brooding, and Mokuba trying to get his attention. After his loss to Yugi-his first loss ever-Kaiba had lost himself, in every sense of the word. After all, he hadn't just lost the duel; he'd lost his direction in life. Before Yugi, everything had been clear. Sure, that particular sense of clarity was actually very twisted and nearly inhuman, but he knew exactly what he was meant to do. Win and conquer all, and Kaiba couldn't think of a single thing that mattered more. Not even Mokuba had come close. Now, after Yugi had completely trashed his record, the most difficult thing to deal with wasn't actually the loss-it was a deep-seated fountain of guilt, sadness, and anger.

What the hell had that midget done to him?

He rubbed his eyes before shoving a bunch of papers aside, inadvertently throwing them off of his desk and causing him to groan. It was just after one in the afternoon, and he already felt like it was one in the morning. Granted, he'd been up since about one in the morning, and the half-hour nap he'd managed to squeeze in before then had been all right, barring the strange, nonsensical dreams that floated around his head the entire time. He knew that the fact he'd had any dreams signaled he was sleep-deprived enough, but how did his body expect to get any rest if his mind kept created those absurd visions whenever he tried?

Sighing heavily, he rose to his feet, which felt heavier than ever, and dragged himself to the kitchen, where he poured himself a cup of black coffee. Kaiba half-heartedly grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter before retreating back to his office, where he took a sip of the coffee, shoved the fruit into his mouth, and sat back down to fall back into his dark little reveries.

It was pushing half past six when Mokuba finally bounced through the mansion's front door. He kicked off his shoes, dropped his backpack, and nearly knocked into Roland, who was just on his way out the door with a folder in his hand. Mokuba grinned apologetically and stepped back.

"Sorry, Roland," he said. "Guess I should know to slow down, huh?"

"It's not a problem," the man assured him, beyond relieved that his trademarked glasses were hiding his worried expression. "I'll be seeing you tomorrow morning."

Mokuba waved goodbye and continued to bounce down to his brother's office, knocking twice on the door before pushing it open and waltzing in, preparing to ask Kaiba if he was coming down to dinner, until a more pertinent question jumped into his mouth.

"Are you wearing your pajamas?"

"…Obviously."

"You never even got dressed today?" There was no response, and Mokuba continued over to hug him before wrinkling his nose and adding, "Or showered…?"

Kaiba rolled his eyes and gently pushed Mokuba away in order to resume fiddling with his duel disk prototype, which was currently residing in two separate halves on his desk. Mokuba watched him for a moment before noticing the browned apple core beside a half-empty mug of coffee.

"Do you want me to bring you some dinner? There's some kind of chicken in the kitchen…"

"I'm not hungry, and I really need to figure this out…"

Mokuba rolled his eyes and went back down to the kitchen to grab dinner for himself; he wasn't at all unused to this reaction from Kaiba-it'd been going like this for years. He ate by himself in silence, and then grabbed his homework to go do on the sofa in his brother's study. The only assignment he had that night was to finish the last few chapters of the book they were currently reading in class, which was nice, considering math had been incredibly stressful lately.

Thank God for substitutes who don't give out the homework…

Mokuba curled up on the couch with the book, vaguely aware of Kaiba pausing for a moment to gaze over at him before he returned to assembling the two halves of the disk. This continued on in absolute silence until Kaiba noted the child's soft breathing had grown constant, and when he looked over again, he saw that Mokuba had passed out with his face smashed flat into the book. A quick peek at the clock told him it was going on eleven at night. Letting out a slow exhale, Kaiba walked over to his passed-out brother's side, placed a hand gently on his back, and shook lightly until Mokuba stirred. The child slowly lifted his head, revealing a thin stream of drool trailing from his mouth to the book. Kaiba smirked to himself and gently wiped it away for Mokuba, who seemed to be stuck in a sleepy stupor.

"Time for bed, Mokuba."

The raven-haired youth yawned widely before gazing at his brother with heavily-lidded eyes. He stood up and clumsily fell forward in order to cling to his elder brother. Kaiba rolled his eyes at how slow and incoherent Mokuba was, and finally decided to just pick him up and carry him off to bed, like he did at the orphanage. Once they reached his room, Kaiba pulled out a pair of Mokuba's yellow pajamas and turned to him to help take his shirt off. Mokuba allowed him to do so, since he was too tired to even button his pajamas himself. A few minutes later, Kaiba had also replaced his jeans with soft flannel and removed the child's socks, then threw the clothes from the day down the chute. He turned back to his brother, who was just burrowing into his covers.

"Sleep well," the elder brother said gruffly before turning to leave, until a little voice called out to stop him.

"Seto…wait."

Kaiba turned around and watched Mokuba, who was now hoisting himself up against his pillows. The little Kaiba gestured for his brother to come closer, and Kaiba went over to sit on the edge of his bed, expecting to be asked for a glass of water or juice or something.

"What's wrong?"

Well, that was unexpected. Kaiba frowned and crossed his arms, shaking his head.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Mokuba disagreed quietly. "Not completely, anyhow…you haven't been yourself lately. Ever since I saw you lose that duel-oh…" He cringed, and nodded. "That's it, right?"

Kaiba frowned. Mokuba was half-right. He was more concerned with his own person perception of the world now, and that none of it added up anymore. Simply shaking his head, the elder brother remained silent for another moment before speaking.

"It's complicated, Mokuba, but I'm fine."

"But you're not. You're not even the same person you were before Yugi beat you, which is good-" Mokuba cut himself off before he could even finish that thought, but it was too late. Kaiba was already staring at him with a very intense look, one that the younger brother couldn't even read.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I-I just meant that you've been acting more like…like you, and not like him," Mokuba hastened to say, cowering a bit when his brother's eyes hardened at the mention of 'him.' "I mean, remember that crying kid who got lost outside Kaiba Corp last week? You sat with him and talked to him until his we found his mom. A few months ago, the same thing happened, and you just ignored that kid and got into the limo to go home…plus, you brought me to bed tonight…you haven't done that in years-"

"Mokuba," Kaiba said firmly, cutting him off before he could continue. "Yugi did…something to me after the duel. I don't know what, but I haven't exactly felt normal either. Losing…well, the loss can and will be rectified, but everything that was clear before is just…muddy now."

"Like what?" Mokuba leaned forward to hesitantly pick up his brother's hand, and was surprised when he allowed him to do so, even squeezing back a bit as he continued to speak.

"I feel like I'm in two different worlds, but not really part of either of them. One is full of everything Gozaburo put in my head. Everything he said about winning, losing, and being worthless, and how other people aren't worth my time to care about…all of that. But now, there's a second place where I know everything I've come to live and breathe is absurd and completely wrong…"

Mokuba frowned and gently ran his small fingers across his brother's palm.

"You never thought that before?"

Kaiba slowly shook his head. "After awhile, I realized it was better to just go along with what that tyrant wanted, and to do what I was told was the way to go. But now, in my gut, I know better. And I hate him even more."

A sardonic smile quirked on Mokuba's lips as he gripped Kaiba's hand tightly. "I didn't think that was possible."

Kaiba shook his head. "It's not an entirely bearable feeling," he admitted, placing his other hand over Mokuba's. "But just know that I'm doing what I can to deal with all this, and I know that when I beat Yugi, things will go back to the way they were before." Mokuba's face suddenly went crestfallen, causing Kaiba to frown. "What?"

"You think that if you beat Yugi, you'll go back to being the way you were?"

Kaiba paused, turning his eyes out the window and to the glowing moon. He certainly didn't want to remain this conflicted for the rest of his life, and despite the deep sense of endless emptiness he'd had most of the time near the end of Gozaburo's life, it was easier to tolerate feeling nearly nothing than it was to feel a plethora of weighing emotions, such as guilty, sadness, anger, and more.

"I don't know, Mokuba. I just want things to be clear again. I'm not really sure who I am right now, when I've always known…"

"I don't want you to go back to be that person again," Mokuba said bluntly, causing Kaiba's focus to snap back to him. The child exhaled loudly and rolled his eyes before clarifying. "I mean, it hurts me to see you hurting like this, but at the same time, when's the last time we just sat together and talked about things? When's the last time we held hands like this, or hugged, or just interacted like family? That's what we are, Seto, and I know that's clear, even for you." He let go of his brother's hand. "Gozaburo made you cruel for a long time, and I followed along with you because I didn't want to lose you. But I knew all along that's not who either of us were. We're tough, Seto, and we were trying to survive, but we aren't cruel people. That's not who you are, and you can't go back to that." He pulled the locket out of his pajamas and opened it. "This is you, and somewhere deep down, you still exist. I just know it."

Kaiba looked at the old photograph of the child playing chess, the child with a tiny smile gracing his face for what had been the last time. He swallowed and gently closed Mokuba's locket, and slid it back down inside his shirt. It was obviously that Mokuba was only trying to help remind him of who he was before Gozaburo came along, but he might as well have impaled him with a rusty dagger. The elder brother pulled his hands away from Mokuba's and dropped them into his lap, immediately pushing all his emotions down into his gut.

"You need to sleep, kid. It's going to be midnight soon."

"You should be asleep, too," Mokuba countered hotly, "but I know you'll be up for a long time." He burrowed under his covers, and Kaiba remained at his side for a few moments, silently amused, before pulling back the sheets and comforter curling up beside his brother. Mokuba gazed at him with a shocked expression, and Kaiba simply nodded and pulled him close, running his long fingers through the child's messy tresses.

"You're right," Kaiba murmured. "I'll probably be up for awhile. But I can at least try to rest."

Mokuba hugged him and laid his head on his chest, and Kaiba could feel him nodding. "And I'll sleep better knowing that you're trying."

Kaiba didn't respond, and only continued stroking the child's hair. It didn't take long for the kid to drop off again, and he focused on the steady breathing for a long time before making up his mind. The next day, he had to leave. He needed a break, and to get away from everything and everyone-especially his little brother, now that he knew that his personal existential crisis was now causing distress to the kid. Mokuba didn't need that, and Kaiba just needed to figure it out himself.

And deep down, even he doubted that defeating Yugi would change anything. But he had to at least try.