A/N: SPOILERS FOR SERIES 5 EP 1

Disclaimer: I, in no way, shape, or form, own BBC's Merlin and take no credit for the show's plot and characters.

Merlin had first realized after Freya, after everything that happened with her, that he would never be able to love someone.

Because protecting Arthur, shielding him from danger day after day, it would always require all of his attention. Freya had been his one chance to have another life, to leave Camelot and be happy with someone – and he realized after she was gone, he probably would not have been able to go through with it anyway.

It was a daydream – thinking he could leave Arthur's side. Because Arthur was everything to him. He was Emrys, the one who was to keep Arthur safe, the one who was to give up everything – happiness, love, friends – to keep Arthur safe.

And, it was after that – when the pain of Freya's death peaked and then faded – that he realized it was not just because he was Emrys. It was because he was Merlin that he could never leave Arthur. Because he was the Merlin who loved the Arthur who would Camelot great, who would form Albion.

Because he was the Merlin who loved the Arthur who loved Gwen.

So he steeled himself to watch them marry. To Arthur accept Gwen as his Queen. To watch them stand side by side, to watch Gwen become a confidant and adviser to Arthur.

As he used to be.

And Merlin realized he would never be able to love someone because he loved this amazing man – who was strong and brave, though often stubborn and foolish, who cared for his people, who cared for his men, who would give up his life if doing so could save just one other person.

So Merlin held his tongue about his magic, even though Arthur continued to be suspicious towards sorcerers and druids alike. Because if, by being silent and saying nothing, he could stay by Arthur's side to protect him, to watch him, to love him, then Merlin would do so.

And when Arthur was foolhardy, Merlin followed him even knowing they most likely faced death and danger. When Arthur insisted on leading his men to rescue Gwaine and the others, Merlin grit his teeth and came along.

And when the Vates revealed to him the vision of the battle, Merlin's chest constricted until he could barely breathe. Because Arthur's death was the one thing he feared the most – that Arthur would die and Merlin would be helpless to stop it. Helpless to save him. And everything he had done up to this point would be for nothing. Albion would never live. His people would never find peace. And he would lose the one he loved more than anything in the world. So when Arthur reminded him that he'd seen other bodies before, he wanted to shout at him, 'But not yours! Just let it never be yours!'

And when Arthur sat next to him, skin glowing softly from the light of the fire, when they spoke of brotherhood, of never abandoning them, Merlin felt his heart break. Because he was constantly afraid that if Arthur ever knew of his magic, that he would be abandoned. And also he knew that every single time Arthur, stupid, noble, prat Arthur, put his life on the line for his knights – for his brothers – he was one step closer to losing his life.

And when the man struck Arthur down in the woods, Merlin was struck dumb for a moment. Because this, of all ways, was not how it was supposed to happen. If Arthur fell in a battle like this – if Arthur fell from a strike when his back was turned – Merlin would have failed him all the more. So he rushed to his side, and was able to calm his frantically beating heart when he realized Arthur was not even unconscious, merely stunned and half-senseless.

And when, that night, they lay back to back, Arthur's armor leeching the warmth from Merlin's skin, Merlin thought, 'Take it all. Take everything I have if it will keep you alive.' And he squeezed his hands tightly under his chin, because he knew this was all he would ever have, this was all Arthur would ever give him, the touching of their backs as they slept to keep warm.

And he was glad for it. Because this.

This was worth giving everything else up.

This was worth living for.

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed ;)