The Trojan Army of Darkness
A Evil Dead/Hercules/Xena Adventure
By GoodAsh
Hercules, Xena and Evil Dead character are property of Rennaisance Pictures. Hercules' arm was not injured in the writing of this story. Now, his other stuff...that's a different story.
Note: This story is presented in serial form...just for the fun of cliffhangers.
Chapter 15
Ash knew he was in some deep doo-doo. All dressed up with a demigod suit and no place to go as the case would be. Hercules grasped onto Ash tightly, just enough to squeeze the breath from his lungs, but not enough to break any ribs or end the pain quickly. The Deadites knew Ash was a pain in the tuchas, so, like a cat who has just discovered the family hamster has escaped its cage, they were playing before dinner.
With all the great pressure building in his chest, Ash found it hard to think. Not that he would think any better if Herc had let him go, but he figured it was a pleasant excuse. Something struck his fancy and his grey matter surged to process the thought before it was eaten by another. It was just a childish, dumb little thing his mom used to play with him when he was a kid...but it just might work.
Ash bit Hercules' nose right off.
Furious, Hercules tossed Ash to the ground as he grasped at the hole that was once a fine and masculine nose.
Ash spit the nose out on the ground. Got your nose, he laughed.
Hercules saw red. Most of it was from the blood, but he was extremely angry as well. I'll swal....
..low your soul. Blah-dety blah, yakety smackety. Honestly, who the hell writes your material? Ash had that certain charming way of knowing exactly how to piss someone off, and it seemed to be working. How about some other clever catch phrases, Herc?
I'll eat your bowels first...while you're still living! The son of Zeus screamed.
Ash didn't really seemed that scared. How about...Got Milk? That's a good one. Or maybe...Lions and tigers and bears?
Hercules took a blind swing at the motor mouth. Nothing but air.
Show me the money?
Hercules swung again, barely missing Ash's head.
I know... The Golden Chainsaw of Hermaphrodite roared to life and cut off the right arm of Hercules. ...suck it.
Chapter 16
The good thing about being a god is that you can disappear pretty much whenever it seems you're having your tushie handed to you. Which is precisely what Ares did. he thought It would be a good idea to check on Autolycus and Joxer.
Instantly, he transported to where Joxer was hiding from Gabrielle and her Deadites...
Ares looked at Joxer. A tree? You're hididng in a tree?
Joxer answered with a very high pitched voice which would've been the envy of any soprano. It doesn't seem they can figure out how to climb it...
At that precise moment, as if the Fates themselves wanted to rain on Joxer's paradise, both Ares and Joxer looked down to see the Deadites chopping away with large axes.
Ares took a deep breath. Gabrielle. He could handle Gabrielle. It was Xena that scared the hell out of him. It was just Gabrielle. He was evil enough and slimy enough, and doggone it, people hated him.
I have a plan. Ares atated.
It doesn't have anything to do with hurting Gabrielle does it? Joxer squeaked back.
What a pansy. Ares said. What does it matter to you if it does? A girl like Gabrielle would never fall for you. Look at yourself. You are such an imbecile. Your ineptitude is only matched by the size of your ego. And by ego I mean the imaginary one, that always refers to you as Joxer the mighty.'
Joxer saw gray. Mostly because Joxer was a tad colorblind and this was what passed for red. He stood on the limb and spat at Ares. Pansy, huh? Watch this
Joxer took a beatiful dive from the branch, twisting and flipping in mid-air.
Then he hit the ground.
Hard.
Ares' plan was working beautifully. With the Deadites distracted, he would be able to take Gabrielle himself.
Chapter 17
It seemed pretty apparent to Autloycus that Iolaus didn't have the book. It was a shame really, but, no book, no need to fight anymore. One butt kicking a week is good enough as it is. But now the question arose in his mind. Who had the book?
Chapter 18
Xena's army moved forward, gaining momentum and new troops at every grave. Somewhere in the back of Dead-Xena's consciousness, living-Xena popped back into existence. And whooped the Deadite-Xena's ass. Xena commanded the troops to lie down and await her return. She knew what plans both the Deadites and Ares had for that accursed book, and she certainly wasn't going to let it go without a fight.
Chapter 19
Ash discovered that even with one limb, Herc was still pretty dangerous. Something deep down in him kept saying that Herc was a decoy, and that he had to get to Joxer before something happened. Screw that. He was going to knock the living crap out of this two bit demigod before he went anywhere. Ash beat on Hercules chin to no avail. All it did was piss him off. Ash knew Herc wasn't exactly thinking clearly. It was good for him, and a little bad too, he supposed.
Hercules landed a solid blow to Ash's solar plexus, jarring the anti-hero so hard, that it knocked the golden chainsaw of whatsisface right off of its housing. Damndamndamn. Ash scrambled to reclaim his weapon. And met Hercules' foot. In the face.
Would you mind watching the face, you simple demonic sumbitch? Ash spat. How the hell am I supposed to get the girl as is simply stated in my undead ass kicker's union' contract? Hmmm? Wouldn't want to be ticking the union off, would you?
Hercules just stared. And thumped wordlessly to the ground.
It was Autolycus. And a really big stick. We better get going, Ash. I figured out who's got the book, and I don't think wasting time is an option.
Ash walked over and kicked Herc in the nuts. he muttered.
Chapter 20
As Autolycus, Ash and Xena all raced in the direction of Gabrielle's march, Joxer started to get a little hot under the collar. Literally. Tied to a big post in the middle of a meadow, the Deadites began to pile wood around the hapless doof's feet. This activity seemed to entertain the Deadites while they awaited the next orders from their captain. The Deadites laughed and jeered in their undead way, making Joxer feel uncomfortable. Real uncomfortable. Or maybe it was that wedgie they gave him. He wasn't sure. He was just hoping Ares would get that book and get back to help him.
Gabrielle lay on the ground, cursing at Ares, spitting and biting, but unable to rise because of the ropes binding her. I'll swallow your soul!
I highly doubt it my dear He oozed. I don't have one.
He picked up the Necronomicon and wiped the drool from his mouth. At last! The war to end all wars will begin! Armies of the undead battling forever! My dream is realized.
With that he held aloft the book and exclaimed, By all things foul and rotten, by those that seek shadows for solace, I command you to do my bidding! KLATUU VERATA NIKTO! The wind howled, the sky grew black and Ares was filled with a new found energy, the energy of the undead, of the shadows, and of complete evil. His eyes flashed green, and he commanded his troops to attend him. From all corners of the Earth, the dead arose, or continued the journey already begun to join Ares on the field of battle.
Are opened the book to view the wonderment inside. Just then a circular object sliced the tome in half. I should have figured it was a double cross, Ares. Its always something with you.
Ahh, Xena...you have escaped the living death, I see. Very good. I didn't think it would hold you captive long. Such willpower. Such grace. Such... He gazed at her chest, ..huge tracts of land.
Xena pounced, but the book bit her. Hard. And repeatedly. Xena merely gave a reply that would make that crazy crocodile hunter guy on tv proud.
The book tried every trick it had to protect its new master, but to no avail. Although it did slow Xena down, Ares caught a stainless steel fist in the teeth. You crummy bastard, you set us up! As if in defense, a horde of Deadites sprung up to protect their master. Ash was beaten down hard as they pounded and poked, pillaged and practically knocked the living crap out of the poor guy.
Ares laughed.
Chapter 21
Things moved quickly, perhaps too quickly, as witnessed by the amazing swiftness of the past few chapters. As Ash and Xena found themselves tied to the large post which held Joxer, a plan began to come together in Ash's mind. Die. That was it. He was going to die. And he welcomed it, sort of. Everytime something went wrong concerning that stupid book, he got thrown though time to battle the dumb thing. Enough was enough. If he died, then he never had to worry about it again. Ash just sat back and waited for the end. Of course he knew he'd have to listen to Ares completely explaine to the three of them why he did what he did and all that. Ash wasn't interested. He began to drift off to that final slumber while in the background Ares droned on and on about the neverending war he had begun. All Ash heard was .
Deep in Ash's subconcious, an old memory sparked its way back to life. As Ash dreamed, a figure began to take shape and walk its way into this dream.
Long time, Ashley. the dream woman said.
Ash recognized her, although she appeared changed. Not that it wasn't like Linda always looked different everytime he'd seen her. She was looking a bit like one of those Baywatch chicks this time. Hell, who was he to argue with his own subconcious.
Linda looked deep into his eyes. I miss you Ashley.
I miss you too baby. Sorry about what happened at the cabin. Never got to tell you that.
It wasn't all your fault, Ash. I forgive you for what happened. Now, what I need to tell you before you go is how to finally rid the world of the Necronomicon... And with that, Linda gave Ash a reason to live again.
As Ash awoke, he found that Ares was still babling and that his ropes had become amazingly loose, and that he was staring himself in the face again. Gotta love those ancestors he thought to himself.
Ares continued talking to his like a madman, ranting and raving and explaining how with the Necronomicon he would rule the world, and send the sould of Joxer, Xena and Ash to Hades forever...
Whatever.
Ares raised the book and began an incantation. Ash lept from the post and grabbed the book. Oh lookee here. What does Ash have? Huh? Huh? He's got the big bad book. And you know what Ares? Otkin Adarab...Ut(cough cough)!!
Sparks flew in all directions. Everything began to change in Ash's vision, as If the world was righting itself. Deadites were disappearing, and Ares was sobbing uncontrollably. Even Hercules, Iolaus and Gabrielle had begun to revert to normal. Only one problem arose. Ash knew he hadn't said the word EXACTLY right, so what would happen to the book? He looked down and saw it slowly fade from existence. And with a swirl of demonic magic, sucked him along for the ride. As Ash rode the magic current to his next destination, he wondered what would become of his new friends in those ancient times. Autloycus, yeah, he'd be his great great, etc. etc. grandaddy, but what about Herc and that fox, Xena. He guessed he'd never know for sure.
Epilogue
Ash awoke on Earth. The sky was gray and hazy, and it even seemed like the right year. He picked up his gear and headed into town. It's a shame I lost that chainsaw. He thought to himself. Suddenly, the sky grew pitch black and he saw what seemed to be the formation of an inland hurricane. He took this to be a bad sign.
But he actually missed the bad sign. It said,Welcome to Red Bank, New Jersey.
Coming Soon: Chasing Mummy! (featuring: ASH! John Shaft! The Necronomicon, and its sister volume, the Egyptian book of the Dead, A Mummy (or more) and two very special guest stars!)