A/N: Okay, yeah, I should be focusing on those other five Elfwine Chronicles I need to write, but I was cruising Just In and there seemed to be a proliferation of Sue stories and such, and it just kind of got to me. I think I could deal with some Sues, if the authors made even a vague attempt to show respect for Tolkien's world and characters, but they rarely do. Thus, here is my spoof of the whole thing. Much of the dialogue is taken verbatim from the movie version of The Fellowship of the Ring (the Council of Elrond scene), with a few embellishments by me to fit the altered situation. Hope it gives you a laugh!

Nine Companions, Almost

At a glance, the scene was quite bucolic – a peaceful autumn day, a gathering of races among intricately carved stone architecture and the beautiful forest surrounding it. The gathering, however, was quite somber as a stately Elf rose to address them.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you've been summoned here to answer the threat of–" Elrond solemnly intoned as he began the meeting.

A blinding flash of light suddenly erupted in their midst, and a moment later a…girl – at least they presumed it was such for it had that basic form – appeared in front of them. Man, elf and dwarf alike stared in bewilderment. Elvish magic was powerful, but none were aware of the ability to make people appear out of thin air.

The creature had iridescent hair, that shimmered through a variety of colors, but clearly fell in a pool down her back. Her lips were like cherries and her eyes an indescribable shade of…something, that glimmered in the fall light. She gazed around at the assembly and then opened her mouth.

"Like, this is so kewl!" the creature squealed, launching herself at Legolas and affixing herself to him in a rather lewd manner. Stoically, Legolas tried to pretend she didn't exist and merely rolled his eyes.

Elrond pressed a hand to his temple, clearly in pain. "Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris," he all but moaned.

Gandalf fearsomely warned, "The Black Speech of Suedom may yet be heard in every corner of the West! Sues are drawn to the One Ring like moths to flame. Both the Sue and the Ring are altogether evil."

Boromir stood, announcing to the assembly, "It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Sue and this Ring? By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapons of the enemy. Let us use them against him."

Tiredly, Aragorn responded, "You cannot wield them. None of us can. The One Ring and Sues everywhere answer to Sauron alone. They have no other master."

"Ring?" the creature shrieked. "Oh, I love jewelry!" She lurched toward the stone table and snatched the One Ring up, slipping around her neck the chain that held it.

With a glare, Boromir asked snidely, "And what would a Ranger know of this matter?"

Legolas rose, then, and announced, "This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

"Aragorn. This is Isildur's heir?" Boromir questioned in disbelief. "What? And that makes him some sort of Sue expert?"

Legolas persisted, "He is heir to the throne of Gondor."

Aragorn interrupted then, saying (in Elvish), "Sit down, Legolas."

With a sneer, Boromir informed them both quite pointedly, "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He settled back into his chair, glaring at the assembly.

Gandalf spoke up then, "Aragorn is right. We cannot use them. Both are far too dangerous."

Again Elrond rose, saying, "You have only one choice. They must be destroyed."

Gimli stood and snatched up his axe. "What are we waiting for?"

He strode toward the Sue and she gave a shriek that sounded of tinkling bells as she dove behind Legolas for protection. The Elf nonchalantly sidestepped, exposing her to Gimli's wrath – for once the dwarf had a point.

Before Gimli could advance, however, Elrond warned, "They cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. The Sue is a spawn of Mordor, and the Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can they be unmade. They must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence they came. One of you must do this."

Boromir rubbed his forehead and observed, "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever-watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly."

Gimli mumbled under his breath, "Like we could find 10,000 men willing to go anywhere near a Sue…"

Hotly, Legolas exclaimed, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? They must be destroyed."

Gimli glared at the elf and asked, "And I suppose you think you are the one to do it!"

Now Boromir joined the argument that was building, "And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"

Gimli wasn't ready to let go of his point about who should or should not be the courier, "I will be dead before I see the Ring and the Sue in the hands of an Elf!" (arguments erupt all around) "Never trust an Elf not to succumb to a Sue!"

Gandalf was shouting now also, but could barely be heard above all the others who were yelling their arguments and accusations at one another. "Do you not understand? While you bicker amongst yourselves, Sauron's power grows! None can escape it! You'll all be destroyed!"

Frodo let out a tormented wince as he felt the awful power of the Ring and the Sue stabbing at him like a knife. Unbeknownst to him, his life had become entangled with this terrible evil and he could not get away from it.

"The Sue is altogether evil. It must be destroyed!" Gandalf warned again.

"What about the Ring?" Boromir asked. "Can we keep that? Gondor really could make use of such a trinket…"

"No! Mine!" the creature shrieked, clutching it protectively to her chest in a clenched fist. "My precious!"

"There is only one solution," Aragorn said rising. "Both must be cast into the fires of Mount Doom."

"I will take them," Frodo declared firmly, having to repeat himself before he was heard, then admitted, "though I do not know the way to Mordor."

With a sorrowful look, Gandalf assured his little friend, "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear."

Gandalf sighed heavily. The Istar was seriously wondering why he bothered to stick around Middle Earth and endure such nonsense. Surely there were other magical worlds that did not contain hunky men, thus being free of these evil Sues that seemed to drop in here so regularly.

"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword," Aragorn vowed, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the leer the creature had aimed at him. She'd better not let Arwen catch her looking at him like that, or there'd be no need to haul her off to Mordor and dump her into Mount Doom – Arwen would deal with her here and now!

"And you have my bow," Legolas added, more than willing to participate in any quest to rid Middle Earth of this evil – and the Ring, too.

"And my axe," Gimli volunteered. Legolas was clearly not pleased at this new company, but then again, the evil was great and they could use all the help they could get. Best to let the dwarf come.

"You carry the fate of us all, little one," Boromir warned Frodo. "If this is indeed the will of the Council then Gondor will see it done."

Sam bolted into the room announcing, "Here. Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me."

With wry amusement, Elrond observed, "No, indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret Council and you are not."

"Great! Where are we going?" the Sue blinked in the obliviousness of stupidity.

"Hey, that's my line!" yelled Pippin, from where he stood hidden behind a pillar with Merry.

Merry snatched at his cousin's arm, dragging him back into the shadows. "Shut up, you idiot! The last thing we want is to get stuck on a several month's journey with that creature. Come on – I found the kitchen earlier." The two hobbits glanced back once at the council, then quickly turned and hurried away.

Elrond gazed at the group standing before him. "Seven companions. I had hoped there would be at least nine, but so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Sue Ring. Do not fail us!"

The Sue looked up from polishing the Ring that hung around her neck, and asked again, "So, where are we going?"

THE END (hopefully)

8/28/06 - 8/30/06