Title: That Look
Author: Tears of a Phoenix
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing
Spoilers: Objects in Space
Rating: PG
Summary: Zoe contemplates who Mal really needs.
Author Notes; Much thanks to virtualinsomnia at livejournal for the beta.
I see the look that she sends him when heÕs not looking, the one she thinks no one else sees. That look fills me with fear and worry every time I catch it.
I love them both. I know how lonely they are, and on the surface, it looks perfect. They look like a perfect storybook couple. The Captain, all closed off and broken, looking towards space for his place in this world while the Companion gives up her rich, society life in order to be with the outlaw. All for love, mind you. But I know him better than that, better than any of them do. I knew him before, when he was a whole man; and I saw him break. I know what he needs, sometimes even better than he does himself.
Walsh is jealous of that. Jealous of our bond, more so because he donÕt understand it. DonÕt understand how two people can be so close, platonic and unrelated. And IÕve just gotten tired of trying to explain it to him. The Captain and I left our pasts in Serenity Valley, our friendship was the only thing of our old lives that we really kept. Until Serenity and getting a crew, we were the only family we had left in this whole Ôverse.
But I also know women like Inara. IÕm not talking about whores or Companions. IÕm talking about women who fall for the wrong guy thinking that they can change him, heal him or fill that empty place inside of him.
Thing is, sheÕd only fill it for a bit. She wants to put down roots. Mal ainÕt going to ever be really happy doing that. HeÕd always compare it to Shadow and it would never add up. Because it would never have the people that Shadow had. He needs to fly; he needs to always move, to know that he can escape if he has to. Escape if the memories get too much for him.
He knows that sheÕs all wrong for him, too. SheÕs his past. Someone he could have loved and married if the war or Serenity Valley had never happened. SheÕll never be his future.
But knowing donÕt stop my heart from jumping into my throat every time she glances at him with that look in her eyes. Fear that heÕll try, that heÕll ruin them both just because heÕs lonely right now. Cause he cares for her, and for the memory that she represents and heÕd hate to hurt her, in the end he will, canÕt change the truth.
Tonight, as we all sit around the dinner table, he glances at her, missing her look, with a look of regret and acceptance in his eyes. When his eyes fall back to his plate and he sighs heavily, I hurt for him even though I am happy that he finally came to the right decision. I hurt that he has to give up another one of his old dreams for his new life. But I know that in the end it will be better for him. HeÕll be happier.
The other end of the table explodes in laughter, RiverÕs laughter clear and beautiful above the others. Since Jubal had tried to take her, sheÕs grown a lot. You see the woman that sheÕs going to become. The broken child is slowly disappearing.
Something inside of me tells me to look at Mal and I do. I learned a long time ago to listen to that little voice when dealing with Mal. Saved both of our hides many a times.
The look in his eyes stuns me, especially when I see where itÕs directed. At River. And then it all makes sense. Two completely broken people having to start over in the blackness of space. TheyÕll heal each other and sheÕll never make him put down roots. Because she loves Serenity just as much as him.
I can feel all my fears for Mal settle down and I start eating again. Mal needs a woman who can take care of herself, that can handle a gun. One he doesnÕt have to protect from the life we lead. RiverÕs that woman, at least is growing to be. It helps that heÕd never be able to hide from her, not his deepest and darkest parts. I know Ôem cause I have Ôem too. Mal ainÕt the one to share, let another know about them. My Captain donÕt like looking weak, cause he ainÕt.
I look up at him again and notice that his cheeks are little red. Taking a peak at River, I know why. She caught him, not just looking but thinking. Her face donÕt show much, but her eyes, just like MalÕs, show everything if you look long enough, hard enough. The confusion, pride and finally, understanding and joy.
ItÕs not time yet, but when theyÕre both ready, well thatÕll be a fun day. I canÕt wait to see the DocÕs and the rest of the crewÕs reactions. That thought puts the biggest smile on my face and I feel laughter bubbling up from my gut. Wash leans over and asks me if IÕm okay. I smile and say, ÒYes, honey. EverythingÕs just fine.Ó
My gaze catches MalÕs, he loses some tension when he sees my acceptance. His face breaks into that little smile of his, the one that shows he knows that I know. That he's glad for it, for me and that he's ready to move forward. I love it when Mal gives me that look. Means I can stop worrying. At least for awhile.