Stars
"You remember the last time we were here?" His arms are wound around her waist and his chin is resting on her hair. He's leaning against the veranda of the restaurant balcony where he'd first told her stories about the stars.
It's a clear night with a slight chill in the air. The street below them is alive with chatter, music and some drunken dancing in the patio outside the corner bar. Adam closes his eyes briefly when the light breeze deepens the smell of her apple shampoo, and he's so grateful for this moment.
Jaz leans back to look up into his eyes and gives him a soft smile. Her fingers tighten a little where they're spread on his chest. It's been 2 years since Tehran, but touching…. feeling him with her is still this insatiable need she has. He doesn't mind.
"Of course" she says. "How can I forget you calling me vain?"
"I did not," he defends with a chuckle. "You assumed the story was about you." One of his hands slides lower and the other moves to her upper back, effectively trapping her against his chest. She shifts her legs forward between his. It's a familiar position since they've been together. Still, it amazes him how perfectly she fits against him. Like she was made just for him.
"Oh, like you assumed you could read my mind?"
Her smile is wider now, eyes twinkling in expectation of his response as she watches him roll his eyes. This is her favorite part of their relationship now - this freedom to talk about anything and everything, so openly and with such lightheartedness.
"Now we both know that I wasn't even close. But admit it, you had your doubts at the time."
He intends it as continuation of their banter, but her face sobers slightly and a nostalgic look crosses her eyes. "Hey," he says. His right arm comes up around her neck, pillowing her head and he brings his forehead down to hers.
"Talk to me." He says it softly, his lips hovering over her nose. He knows it's cheating – using that phrase on her – but they've had such a wonderful trip so far and any old wounds or misunderstandings between them are not something he wants to tolerate tonight.
She sighs. There is no point in deflecting now. He will extract every piece of intel from her, she knows. Stupid master tactician that he is -she doesn't stand a chance. It both thrills her and scares the living shit out of her sometimes. Even now.
Still, one of their first agreements as a couple had been complete honesty with each other, no matter how painful, embarrassing or uncomfortable the subject. She knows she can ask him for time, and he will smile, kiss her on the nose and give her space to gather her thoughts; it's happened before.
But the more they do this, the more she finds she doesn't want space, or time. She wants him to know all of it. All of her. Not because of their agreement, but because it makes them both lighter somehow… happier. Neither were things she ever thought she'd earn in this life, and she's so grateful for them now it brings tears to her eyes.
"I'm not upset, Adam," she says. He looks doubtful, so she slides one hand up his chest to cup his cheek.
"Okay. But you're…something." She nods and takes a deep breath as her eyes close. When they'd decided to come to back to Spain she'd been so excited, but now the mixed feelings catch her by surprise. It takes her almost a full minute to connect the dots.
With her eyes closed, she begins. "We came here after the mission in Nigeria, remember?" The memory of Jaz watching the father/daughter reunion after she'd put a bullet in Ade's head is vivid in Adam's mind. He'd wanted to touch her so badly. Instead, he'd crossed his arms over his rifle as she wrestled with her thoughts.
Her eyes are open now, and Adam holds his breath for a second waiting for her next words. "When we found out the little girl was still inside the mall, you and I went in to get her. Right before going up the stairs you asked me if I was good on mags."
He is not expecting that, and it throws him off for a second. "Uh, yeah. You answered too fast. I figured you were worried about the girl. I told you not to worry, I think, right? That we'd get her back."
"I was worried. It wasn't the first time you'd read my mind in the field, but it was the first time it occurred to me that you were…" she stops, trying to find the right words. "I felt like you could see right through me… not just my thoughts, but how I was feeling."
He is still confused. "Why does being here remind you of that day?"
"When we got back to base after Nigeria, I couldn't stop thinking about that moment. About you, really," she smiles ruefully and averts her eyes, and it takes all his will power to stop himself from kissing her. Instead, he moves his right arm around and curls his hand behind her neck, stroking his thumb over her cheek.
"When we sat out here that night, and you started telling me stories about the stars… I felt this shift. I looked over at you and for the first time I thought maybe you and I weren't as impossible as I'd thought. That maybe you saw something more than just Jaz the sniper." She says it with a smile, trying to temper the guilt she knows he'll feel at her words.
It's not the first time they've had some version of this conversation. The idea of her ever doubting he could love her…he shakes his head to banish the thought because it hurts him to admit that she'd had every reason to believe that. He knows they'd both had perfectly logical justifications for hiding their feelings for each other. But now that they're here, those reasons feel more like excuses.
"The next day, when you said you could read my mind - you were so…" she pauses, and shakes her head slightly after a second, "You seemed so playful and nonchalant about it all, and I guess I did too because I was really good at pretending to be just one of the guys with you. But really deep down I was holding my breath, hoping you actually could read my mind. Or my feelings I guess…like you had in Nigeria."
"But I didn't," he says, a hint of regret in his tone.
"When we left Seville, I was determined to forget about the whole thing. I was convinced I had imagined this thing between us. For the next month I did everything in my power to forget about this idea of us."
So many memories from Paris, Mongolia and Tehran hit him all at once; the tension between them in Paris, which he had attributed to her issues with Amir; the way she'd been so quiet and almost…detached in Mongolia; her nonchalant attitude and almost clinical approach as she prepared to go undercover as husband and wife in Iran.
"Jaz, I…you have no idea how much I…"
She stops him with a shake of her head and a thumb across his bottom lip. "I'm not telling you this to rehash the past. I just…it's bittersweet for me, being here with you. But we are together now. That's what matters to me."
"We aren't just together, Jaz. We are in love." He's cradling her head in his large, calloused hands, and looking into her eyes with such adoration, she feels her heart might explode with happiness.
"I love you, Adam," she whispers as she rises up on her toes and crushes her lips to his. Almost immediately, he tilts her head to deepen the kiss. She smiles against his mouth.
This is definitely not bittersweet.