It was a normal day in the Canadian town of Friendly Falls. Or as normal as things get anyway, since the town had quite a number of eccentric celebrations & denizens.
In the house of Ned Flemkin, a 10-year old boy with an oval shaped head, big ears and two long hairs, he was preparing for the day as usual, completely unaware of the series of events that were about to involve him, and someone important to him.
"This is great, just staying home and watching TV while mom & dad are at the store," Ned commented.
"I'll say," replied Newton, Ned's pet newt, who turned into a 6-foot tall humanoid whenever he was fed special Zippo newt food "and, thanks to the special aerial I hooked up, we can watch stuff your parents don't usually let you watch; like True Detective," he added, morphing into Matthew McConaughey "all right all right all right,"
"Wait, you…" Ned began.
"Or how about Game of Thrones?" Newton interrupted, before morphing into Ned Stark "brace yourself, winter is coming; better put on a parka and make some hot chocolate," he added, transforming into someone wearing a parka & scarf, and holding a cup of hot chocolate "want some?"
"Hold on, you messed with the aerial again?" Ned asked him, "Newton, don't you remember what happened last time?"
"Um…"
"We intercepted a secret code and had to travel halfway across the world to save my kidnapped parents," Ned reminded him.
"Oh that's right," Newton replied "okay, but come on, what are the odds that'll happen again?" he asked before transforming into a bookie "Vegas gives the odds of that as being 10 million ta one."
"Well, I guess you're right; plus my parents are out of the house," Ned commented.
"Great, then it's time for mindless TV!" Newton said, turning on the TV, which only showed static "hmm, maybe I didn't make it big enough," he said turning into an ancient guy "we must create an aerial that will puncture the heavens, and large enough to see our house from."
Just then, the static broke into the form of an unfamiliar person.
"Hello Agent X," the man said "if you're watching this, than you know the world is in great danger. Here are the plans for the new fuel free car; study them, then deliver them before they fall into the wrong hands."
"I thought you said the odds were against this," Ned complained.
"Well, what do you know; forgot to carry the two," Newton replied, looking at a suddenly appearing calculator "man, is my face red," he added, his head suddenly turning a bright shade of red.
"There's no way I'm getting involved in this craziness again!" Ned said, turning off the TV "I mean, the spies couldn't know that I got the info, right?"
"Absolutely."
"Although, they could be listening in somehow," Ned thought "what if the house is bugged?"
"Then you need your friendly neighborhood exterminator," Newton said, turning into one "okay, we're gonna need to tent the house and spray this deadly chemical all over the place; should kill the suckers, or make 'em bigger, we're not sure which."
"I meant 'bugs,' as in, electronic listening devices," Ned explained.
"Oh" Newton replied "well, the spray should take care of them too," he added, and sprayed from his gun, causing Ned to cough.
"There ya go, that should handle any bugs, electronic or otherwise; well, except roaches, those babies are hard to get rid of," he said, before transforming into a roach "we're the only things that can survive a nuclear explosion; well, us and reality television."
"I hope so," Ned replied "there is absolutely no way I'm going on another adventure halfway across the world."
"How about just part way across?" Newton asked, turning into Galileo "the Earth is round, not flat, like a pizza; actually, that's a bad example, as some pizzas are round."
"Come on, let's go play," Ned said "and later today, you're taking down that aerial, I don't want to receive any more secret messages."
"Okay mac, but I'll have to charge you for parts and labor," Newton said, now a handyman "plus extra for me sitting around scratching my butt," he added, before scratching his large butt emerging from the coveralls he was wearing.
Later that day, things proceeded as normal, and everything seemed okay. Then, the mail came…
"Let's see what we got here," Newton said, sorting through the mail "bill, junk, bill, junk, junk, bill,…ooh, this one's for you Nedster."
"Really? Who's it from?"
"There's no return address, but it says 'urgent' on it; maybe it's some kind of sweepstakes," Newton suggested before morphing into Ed McMahon "ha ha, I keep giving out sweepstakes prizes even though I'm dead, hi-yo!"
Ned grabbed the envelope and opened it, then looked at the letter within "oh no!"
"What? Is your gross aunt coming to visit?" Newton asked, before transforming into said aunt "give me a kiss Ned" he said, puckering in a large pair of lips "or have you been drafted into the army?" he added, changing into a soldier "be all you can be" he said, before becoming Groucho Marx "but don't be a bee if you can't be."
"The spies found out I got their message and they have Linda," Ned explained.
"They have their own Linda?" Newton asked, confused "that's rather convenient, seeing as how you know a Linda…"
"No, they've kidnapped Linda!" Ned explained "they want me to deliver them the plans or else!"
"Or else? Or else what?"
"I don't know, but obviously something bad," Ned said "oh, what am I gonna do?"
"It's obvious; you need to track down these spies and rescue her," Newton said, transforming into Sean Connery "you'll be agent 007, with a license to kill; too bad I didn't use it on the people who made Zardoz."
"Oh, but what if Linda learns that she was kidnapped because of something that I did? She'll never want anything to do with me!"
"I don't think you're looking at the positive of this Ned," Newton told her "girls love it when guys rescue them from danger; why do you think the Mario series is so popular?" he added, turning into Mario "mama mia, with all-a the times she gets-a kidnapped, maybe the princess should-a look into-a some extra security."
"You're right Newton, I can't let anything bad happen to Linda," Ned said "I really care about her; hopefully, one day she'll be my future wife."
"Future wife?" Newton asked, before transforming into Doc Brown "great Scott Ned! We need to generate a bazillion gigawatts to travel to the future and meet your wife! Oh, and maybe get one of those jetpacks they keep saying we'll have," he added, a jetpack suddenly appearing on his back.
"Come on Newton, we have spies to stop!"
"Great, this will give me the opportunity to equip you with cool spy gadgets, like they use in the movies," Newton said.
Soon, in Ned's room, the giant newt transformed into an approximation of Q and was briefing Ned.
"Okay agent Flemkin, I have several gadgets to help you on your mission," he said "first off, this duck & bicycle pump may look normal, but…well okay, they are normal, but I've always wanted to use these."
"Newton! Focus please!"
"Sorry about that," the large newt replied "next up, is this pen; it looks ordinary, but it's actually a powerful laser," he added, clicking on the end of the pen, causing ink to get all over him, "oops, guess it is a normal pen; I must've left the laser one in my other pants," he said, before a pair of pants suddenly appeared on him.
Newton dug around in the pockets of the pants, "let's see, lint, handful of change, a piece of candy that got stuck there, don't you hate it when that happens? Oh, here we go; one laser pen," he added, taking it out.
He then pressed the button, causing a laser to come out and accidentally blast a hole in Ned's wall. "Oops" he said, before transforming into a handyman "no problem mac, a little spackle will fix that right up."
Newton then morphed back into Q "and here's one of our more ingenious devices," he began "it looks like an ordinary hot dog, but it's actually a powerful explosive device. However, it can only be activated if you put on this special relish," he added, pulling a jar of relish from out of nowhere. "You should see what happens if you use the sauerkraut," he added, producing a jar of the stuff.
"Anything else?" an impatient Ned asked.
"Just one more thing; these sunglasses," Newton said, producing a pair of sunglasses and putting them on Ned's eyes.
"What do they do? Are they secretly a radio? Do they have x-ray vision?"
"Nah, they just make you look cool."
"Okay, now that's over with, we need to get going," Ned said "the big question is, how are we gonna get there? Last time we went by plane."
"Sorry, but that's not in the budget; we blew most of it on those gadgets of yours," Newton commented "fortunately, I happen to know a shortcut" he added, and grabbed the bottom of Ned's room, rolling it up like a window shade. It was then replaced by what appeared to be a high-tech lab, adorned with all manner of strange machines.
"That works," Ned replied, before he became distracted by something nearby.
There, in a corner was Linda Bliss, tied to a chair, a gag over her mouth. The raven haired girl was clad in her usual attire of lime green t-shirt, blue skirt, black & white shoes and a red Alice band. Upon seeing Ned, she began to make loud muffled noises.
"Don't worry Linda, I'll save you!" Ned said, as heroically as he could and rushed over, pulling the gag from the girl's mouth.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, not counting the whole being physically abducted from my home and held against my will by evil spies bent on world domination thing," the girl replied.
"Don't worry, I'll have you out of there in no time," Ned said, and began to reach for her bonds. Suddenly an alarm sounded, and a group of armed men arrived, guns pointed at the young boy & newt.
"So, it's a Mexican standoff, is it?" Newton asked, before turning into a Mexican, complete with sombrero & serape "nobody move or you'll all get a taste of my spicy salsa," he added, a salsa bottle clutched like a gun.
"Ah, Mr. Flemkin, I was wondering when you were going to show up," said a voice and an older man, wearing a labcoat and carrying a fluffy cat came into the room "I am Dr. Nix, and welcome to my island lair."
"Why do bad guys always have island lairs?' Newton wondered "and why is it never Gilligan's Island?" he asked, before turning into the Professor from that show "I need to ask Mr. Howell for money to finance my coconut powered death ray."
"Look, I just want Linda back; so just tell me what it is you want so I can go home."
"I know you saw the broadcast of the formula for the new fuel free car," Dr. Nix said "tell me what it is, and you may leave."
"Um, I don't actually remember," Ned admitted "I was kinda hoping to avoid a situation like this."
"Tsk tsk, that is unfortunate," Dr. Nix replied "that means I'll have to extract the information from you through other means."
"And by that, you mean completely legal, non-painful means, right?" Newton asked.
"I'm afraid not," the doctor responded and snapped his fingers, causing the goons to advance.
"Oh no, we're surrounded, what do we do!" Newton said, "oh wait, I know!" he added before turning into a bowling ball and rolling over the goons "all right, a strike!"
"Good job Newton!" Ned said happily, but his happiness was short lived when the newt transformed back into his normal pet form "uh oh!"
"Uh oh indeed Mr. Flemkin," Dr. Nix said "now, no more games; give me what I asked for, or neither you or the girl shall leave here alive."
"Do you really expect me to talk?"
"No Mr. Flemkin, I expect you to…oh wait, of course I want you to talk; how else can I pull off my evil plan?" Dr. Nix asked.
"You're not going to tell him, are you Ned?" a concerned Linda asked.
Ned thought about what to do; he had limited spy gadgets and was facing down a whole band of evil, well-armed henchmen, and without Newton. He then decided to do the only thing he could.
"Hey look over there, isn't that Tom Cruise?!" Ned asked, pointing to something behind the villains.
"Again? I told him to get his own private island!" Dr. Nix replied, as he and his goons turned around.
While they were distracted, Ned grabbed his pen and pointed it at Linda's bonds, but nothing happened "dang it, must have forgotten the laser one," he commented, before untying the girl, then grabbing her hand and running off.
"That wasn't Tom Cruise, thank goodness, now no more…" Dr. Nix replied, before turning to see Ned & Linda flee "after them, don't let them escape!"
While running, Ned had taken the time to scoop up Newton and place the newt in his backpack. Fortunately, Ned had also packed a can of Zippo for Newt in said pack, in case the newt transformed back, and, as he ran, Newton attempted to get at it.
Ned & Linda meanwhile, ran as fast as they could, but soon found a dead end; they turned around to run, but found several of the doctors' goons closing in on them.
"Now what Ned?" Linda asked.
"I don't know, I kinda didn't plan this out," Ned told her "and I'm all out of equipment! I'm sorry Linda, I failed you."
"Don't say that; you tried your best, and I'm very proud of you," Linda told him.
"Thanks," Ned said "I guess the most important thing is that you're here with me. Listen, if we don't get out of this, I just wanted to tell you…"
"Yes, Ned?"
"So sorry Mr. Flemkin, but I'm afraid you have failed," Dr. Nix said, coming through the line of his men "and now, the two of you shall never leave this place."
"Guess again!" Newton said, now back to full size and popping out of Ned's backpack "in every spy movie, there's always the part where it looks like he's lost, only for him to pull out victory at the last moment. This is commonly known as 'deus ex machina'" the newt said, now dressed as a nerdy film student "said device is usually considered overused and cliche, which means it's perfect for us."
With that, Newton pulled out the rubber duck and bicycle pump and began to inflate the former.
"You can't possibly expect to defeat me with a duck," Dr. Nix said.
"No, we're gonna use it to 'duck' out," Newton replied, now as Pierce Brosnan "and here's a little parting gift; I'll be 'frank,' I don't think you're gonna 'relish' it," Newton added, before throwing down the exploding hot dog covered with the relish.
"A hot dog? What do you expect to do with this?" Dr. Nix asked, moments before the edible explosive detonated.
"Oh, now I see," a blackened Dr. Nix replied as he fainted, among the ruins of his lair and pile of henchmen.
Outside the island base, the three were now floating back to civilization on the large rubber duck.
"Oh Ned, thank you so much for saving me!" Linda said, delivering a kiss to the cheek for her rescuer.
"Hummina hummina hummina," Ned replied, as he usually did when she that.
"I'm curious though, what was it you were going to say earlier?" she asked.
Ned quickly snapped out of it "oh that, it was nothing."
"Come on Ned, you can tell me."
"No seriously, don't worry about it."
"It wouldn't have been that you like me, would it?"
"What?" Ned asked incredulously "me like you? No, that's crazy talk."
"Ned, I see how you act when you're around me, I'm not as naïve as I appear," Linda told him "and, truth be told, I kind of like you too."
"You…you like me?"
"Of course Ned, why do you think I'm always asking you to do things with me?"
"I figured out of pity, mostly."
"Well, sometimes it's that," Linda responded with a giggle, "but mostly it's because I like you; you're a sweet boy who always does the right thing, even if you do occasionally need some prodding towards that end."
"That is true," Ned commented.
"And you were willing to take on a dangerous villain just to rescue me; how could I not like you after that?"
"In that case, there's something I've been meaning to say for a long time," Ned told her "Linda will you… be my girlfriend?"
"Um…no."
"Wait, what?"
"I'm sorry Ned, but I think we're a little too young to be a couple just yet," Linda explained "but, once we get older, I would be happy to date you exclusively."
"That's good enough for me!" Ned, hugging the girl he loved.
"Ooh, this is so touching," Newton said, tears streaming down his face "like a Lifetime movie, but less annoying."
"So Ned, are you going to introduce me to your blue friend?" Linda asked.
"Oh him, um, well, he's…." Ned began.
"Hi, I'm Ned's personal tutor and not a newt at all," Newton said, now dressed in a tweed jacket and with glasses.
"Why would Ned's personal tutor accompany him on a spy mission?" a confused Linda asked "and also, no one mentioned anything about newts."
"Ah, yes well..." a nervous Newton said, before transforming into an alarm system with klaxon horns "warning! warning! alibi is failing, repeat, alibi is failing!"
"Okay, I won't lie to you Linda, but you have to promise not to tell anyone," Ned said "see, that's my pet Newton; whenever I feed him special pet food, he turns big and can transform and stuff."
"Submitted for your approval; a story of a boy, some magic food, and his newt that can transform," Newton said, now turned into Rod Serling "find out what crazy adventures they will have, on…the Amphibian Zone."
"Well, that does help to clear up some things," Linda commented.
"Wait, you actually believe me? You don't think I'm just making this all up?" a confused Ned asked.
"I know you wouldn't lie to me Ned," Linda replied "besides, strange things seem to happen to us with alarming regularity; a large talking newt is actually quite routine, all things considered."
"I knew I liked you," Newton said.
"Well, now that everything is okay, we've got quite a ride back to Friendly Falls," Ned said "would you care to, take in the scenery with me?"
"I couldn't think of anything better," Linda said, and laid down, resting her head in Ned's lap, as the duck floated on the ocean.
"Time for a little romantic atmosphere," Newton piped in, and transformed himself into a gondolier "oh sole mio; I don't know what that means-o!"
With that, the two young kids enjoyed watching the ocean and the sky, and enjoyed each others' company, while trying to tone out Newton's terrible, not-at-all-Italian singing.
THE END.