This is a little thing I thought of when I was watching All You Wanted, an Avatar video on YouTube. It's really quite good, you should go see it. I completely recommend it.
So, here's my little thing about the Azula/Zuko relationship, yes, which I am currently obsessed with.
No, I haven't abandonned my other things, I'm just having a huge writer's block. My muse went on vacation, and I don't know when it's coming back. But I will finish it, I will! No way will I leave a story just hanging. I'm really sorry, forgive me please!
Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. Sorry to disappoint you... and myself.
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Night. I had always loved night. It was completely against my nature as a firebender, and it was very, very different from when the sun was out during the day. I told myself I was acting like a stupid little waterbender, but nothing worked to make me love the day as I did the night. But I knew why.
Zuko. At night, I got to see Zuko. I got to crawl into his bed, and have him hug me, and be the older brother that I loved to see. Zuko was always really smart, and he knew things. He told me things, and I always knew that he was right. So I listened to him, even though many times I didn't want to.
Zuko used to come into my room and stay there, but as I got older, I got used to waking up in the middle of the night and finding my way to my brother's rooms. I did it every night. Then, in the morning, he would walk me back to my room and hug me before leaving.
In the day it was what our parents wanted, always. I did what my father expected of me, because he liked me best, and Zuko always did what mother expected. Even when we were alone, we acted, knowing that in our palace the walls had ears. Only at night could we be ourselves.
"Zuko," I whispered into the night, snuggling into my older brother's arms. "Why doesn't mom like me?" I asked.
Zuko didn't answer right away. I could tell that he was thinking about how much he should give away. I was only four, after all. "I don't know." He finally replied. He was lying and I knew it.
"No!" I whispered fiercely, turning away from him. I hated it when he lied to me, it hurt me deeply.
"Azula!" Zuko hugged me closer, as though desperate for my sisterly love. "I can't tell you that, you know I can't! Every time, every time you ask me, I tell you the same thing."
"I'll tell you when you're older." I muttered, holding the red silk covers tightly, still not facing him. I didn't like the answer, although I knew it was a promise that would be kept. Zuko didn't break his promises.
"Yes." He told me quietly. "And I will. You know I will."
"I know…" I whispered. I turned back to him, and saw his golden eyes glinting in the starlight. My eyes drifted to the open window, and I fell asleep, feeling safe with Zuko's arms around me.
Zuko stayed awake, thinking. He knew too much, too much for someone who was only five. The prince had to deal with it every day, and he did, but the strain was starting to tell. But Zuko would deal with it. He had to. For me.
"Azula wake up!" Zuko hissed, shaking me. I opened my eyes blearily, to see him staring down at me. He smiled when he saw that I was awake. "Come on, you have to go to your room now."
"No, I don't want to go." I protested, pulling the covers up to my chin.
"You'll get in trouble!" The only time Zuko's voice got sincerely hard towards me was when he talked about me getting in trouble. Even though I know he did it for me, it always scared me, and I shrunk back, hating the look in his eyes.
Zuko must have noticed this, for he took a deep breath and smiled at me. "Please? I'll walk you to your room, okay?" I nodded and slipped out of the bed.
We padded softly down the large hallways. I held Zuko's hand. He kept looking around nervously, and hurried me along more when we passed a window and saw that the sun had almost risen. It was staining the sky all sorts of different colors, from deep blue to bright orange. I pulled him back, not understanding his reasons, but knowing that it had to be done. I wanted to cherish every moment I had with my brother, because they were so few, at least to me.
In my room, I hung back by the doorway. It was like this every morning. Zuko sighed and picked me up, carrying my carefully to my bed and dumping me there. I giggled and pushed him. He smiled down at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. They were watching the sun.
He bent down and hugged me. I listened to his words, his breath hot on my ear. It sent shivers down my spine, but not unpleasant ones.
"I love you, Azula,"
And I loved him too.
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We were playing, and I was being Azula. I had gotten so good at it, that it almost wasn't pretend anymore. But I held myself over that cliff. I balanced myself on the edge, because I knew that once I stepped over, I wouldn't be able to come back.
Zuko was with our mother, like he always was. He had gotten so good at our façade that I myself wondering if he really did hate me sometimes. But then night would come, and we would sit in our little nook in the middle of both of our rooms, and talk, since we had both outgrown being in each other's beds.
He walked by, and I kept up my play. In my sweetest voice I looked up angelically at our mother, "Mom, can you make Zuko play with us? We're playing a game, and we need four people for the teams."
Zuko glared at me. "I am not cart-wheeling!"
I glared back, crossing my arms and saying in a much harder voice. "You won't have to. Cart-wheeling's not a game. Dumb-dumb," I added quietly, for good measure.
"I don't care!" Came his retort, leaning over the railing. I could feel Mai and Ty Lee's eyes pounding a dent in the back of my head, but coolly brushed that knowledge off. I couldn't mess any of this up. "I don't want to play with you!"
Mom said that she thought it was a great idea and he should play with us. I explained the game to them and set the apple on top of Mai's head on fire. I watched with "satisfaction" when Zuko knocked her over trying to get it off. They fell into the fountain behind them.
"See!" I giggled to Ty Lee, standing above the two of them, who were piled on top of each other. "I told you it would work!"
"Awww!" exclaimed my gymnast friend. "They're so cute together!"
Zuko stood up and stormed off. I barely heard it when Mai complained about us, watching Zuko carefully. Mom came out and he threw his arms up in the air. "Girls are crazy!"
My heart sank as I watched them both walk inside. Mom disappeared behind a door, but for a moment, just before my brother closed it, he nodded to me, the smallest smile possible gracing his lips.
I turned to my friends with a smile on my own face, and we began to climb trees, to see who could get the highest.
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I walked into the throne room, watching my father carefully, surrounded by his flames. He sat there, waiting for me to come closer. I reached the middle of the large room and bowed low, not looking up at him.
"You did well in your presentation today. The officers were very impressed. And I have the submission of two prisoners to become spies. You are becoming a very valuable aid to me, Azula. A real firebending prodigy."
I had straightened up when my father had started talking, and I felt my pride swell when he praised me, because the Fire Lord did not give compliments lightly. In fact, he did so rarely. It was usually more of a "That's it?"
"Azula. You are my daughter, soon the heir of the throne. But I have seen you with… Zuko… many times. He will only bring you down. What have you been doing with him?" now his voice had an iron ring to it. I brushed off the comment about being the heir to the throne instead of Zuko, not really hearing it, and stood my ground telling him the truth. The truth that I told everyone else.
"Father, I do not miss a chance to show him that I am better than he is. He loses heart, and I'm sure that it will be easier to…" I trailed off, feeling my blood turn cold that I had almost let slip something that Zuko had accidentally told me once, if only vaguely. I closed my mouth and looked up at him.
He stared at me intensely, and finally said, "Very well. You must be the firebending prodigy that everyone thinks you are. Do not give them reason to think that you are playing a game. You must frighten them into obeying, especially our family." He didn't add anything about why, but that wasn't unusual. The Fire Lord didn't tell you anything that he felt you didn't need to know.
"Yes, father," I replied. His flames rose higher for some reason, and his voice rumbled around the chamber. I could feel the vibrations in the floor, shaking my body. The power surprised me.
"Dismissed,"
As I walked out of the room I was pulled by my arm behind a curtain, one that I had pulled Zuko behind years before, when listening to our father and our grandfather speaking.
My brother pulled me close, putting a hand over my mouth to stop me from exclaiming loudly. If it had been anyone else I would have tried to burn their head off by now. He whispered fiercely to me, and the power in it could rival our father's.
"What did he want to talk to you about?"
I pulled away from him, glaring. "Just about my firebending and stuff." I evaded the true question, and tried to escape, but he pulled me back, too smart to accept that as an answer.
"Tell me Azula!" his eleven-year-old eyes flashed, and I could have sworn to see some real anger in them, rage that could sizzle anything to a crisp within seconds. Such a rage I had not seen from my brother, especially directed to me. "I need to know! Uncle-"
"Uncle?" I asked, backing up into the wall. "What's he got to do with this? He's a stupid, tea-obsessed, jealous old man." I had never really liked my Uncle Iroh, but Zuko had always been taken with him in a way that I couldn't understand.
"Azula!" He brought his hands up, and they were in fists. "Don't talk about our uncle like that!" he didn't say any more, and I couldn't help noticing similarities between him and our father.
My rebelliousness rose up in my chest. "I'll talk about him any way I want!" I snapped, heading for the opening so that I could go practice my firebending some more. "You can't boss me around anymore!"
And I sprinted away from him, leaving Zuko staring at me coldly. As I thought about our latest argument, I realized something. "You can't boss me around anymore!"
Then why did I still act like I hated him?
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It was night again, and I marched into Zuko's room. Fresh in my mind was our conversations in his bed when I was little. I still woke up in the middle of the night, but I always remembered that I didn't go into his room anymore. This time, I did.
"Zuko!" I snarled. "I want answers!" I threw myself onto his bed.
Zuko opened his eyes slowly. He had been meditating on his bed, and I saw the small flames in his hands go out as he focused his attention on me. He turned to me and gave me his full attention, remaining calm as I worked myself into a temper.
"Every time, every time, I get the same answer." I cried, clenching my fists and meeting his stare for an equally strong one. "When you're older, Azula." I mimicked. "I'm older now, and I want to know. Everything that you didn't tell me before. I'm eleven, Zuko, and I can know now!"
He blinked and didn't say anything for a whole minute. I could feel my temperature rising, and I was about to explode at him when he said, "What do you want to know?"
That wasn't the answer I had been expecting at all, so I was momentarily lost for words. But then I found my tongue, and many things came pouring out of my mouth.
"Why mom doesn't like me? Why father hates you? Why you know things I don't, why we have to act, why uncle doesn't like me? Why I have to be someone that I'm not every single day?"
Zuko sighed. He shook his head slowly. "I can't tell you those things, Azula. I'm sorry." And he closed his eyes again to begin meditating as though that settled things.
From my point of view, that was definitely not the end of the story. "I want to know why, Zuko! There are reasons for everything, and I want to know why! Tell me Zuko, tell me now!" I could feel electricity crackling around my being and it made me braver; I had gotten a small, blue flame just weeks ago, and it had developed into a tiny lightning bolt. Zuko hadn't been able to do that yet.
My brother studied me. I was much more serious about this than ever before, much more insistent. I smiled on the inside, and could tell that I was going to get some answers.
"No," said Zuko, more firmly. My face fell; I had thought I was getting answers.
"Tell me, Zuko,"
"No,"
"Tell me!"
"No!"
"Gods, Zuko, just tell me already!"
"I can't Azula!" He yelled, finally losing his cool. My older brother moved so that his face was right in front of mine. His voice grew dangerously quiet, and his next words chilled me. "You have no idea. I can't tell you Azula."
I left, slamming his door behind me. That was not what I had wanted to hear, and I still didn't have any answers. He was much more stubborn than I had bargained on; it had seemed like I could surpass him in anything lately, but he could keep his secrets.
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"Azula!"
I looked around, coming from Mai and Ty Lee. There was no one there, but when that happened it always meant that it was Zuko. He never tried to talk to me out of his mask during the day, so it was something important. I didn't want to talk to him, and keep my eyes glued to the floor of our home.
I felt myself pulled behind a curtain; Zuko's favorite hiding place, it seemed. He faced me, and I tapped my foot. "Zuko, I'm a little busy right now." I told him, even though it wasn't true.
"No, you're not," he replied simply, flinging his now long hair over his shoulder. His eyes, the most expressive part of his face, were dark, and they scared me, even though I wouldn't admit it. I didn't get scared anymore.
"What do you want?" I was going to ask, but Zuko starting talking without a prompting from me, something that didn't happen that often.
"Azula, something is going to happen to me. I can't talk to you about it right now, but it's going to happen. Really soon. I wanted to tell you so that you wouldn't be surprised when it happened. Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. Just… just play the game, okay?"
He started to leave, but I ran forward and hung onto his arm, looking up into his face. "Now, Zuko?" He knew what I was talking about.
"No, Azula," he said quietly, trying to leave again but I held him there.
"Why?" I whispered. "Why do I have to pretend?"
The prince looked at me for a moment. Then he questioned me back instead of an answer. "Who says it's pretending anymore?"
I was so surprised that I let go of his arm. He slipped out of the curtain before I could regain control of my body, and I just stood there. What was he talking about? Of course I was pretending to hate him… wasn't I?
I thought back, looking at all the years past. Yes, it was faking in the beginning. Always what mom and dad wanted. But then pretending grew easier and easier. It became second nature, something that I would automatically do. But in these past few years I found myself actually not wanting Zuko there, not wanting to talk to him, and getting into more fights with him.
I walked quickly, my own eyes flashing in the sunlight. I had to get somewhere where things made sense, and I could only think to show my father the new move with blue fire that I had learned only yesterday…
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I saw his face tighten with fear as he faced our father. He got to his knees and begged, pleaded. He was crying, telling him how he had just been trying to think of what was best for the country.
The Fire Lord told him harshly that he would fight, and when he didn't, called it treason and got ready to brand him, mark him with something that would never go away.
I was horrified yet fascinated at the same time. I couldn't tear my eyes away as I saw Uncle Iroh do next to me. On the other side of him, Zhao was watching with a hungry expression on his face. I quickly schooled my features into one of wicked anticipation and raised my fist as though wishing it was I who was scarring him.
His scream… it would haunt my worst nightmares for years to come, and I would wake up in the night screaming, thinking about this day. I watched him cry out, falling over. A smell of burning, searing flesh filled the room, and it made my stomach heave. A collective yet silent gasp ran around the Agni Kai chamber. I stared at Zuko and his eyes met mine.
"This disgrace of a prince will be banished until he finds the Avatar. Only then may he return with his honor." The Fire Lord announced, looking down in disgust at his son.
Zhao openly laughed. Iroh's eyes filled with anger, knowing that finding the Avatar was a fruitless search. I just watched my brother whose eyes never left mine. I backed up a step. How did he know?
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I walked into the empty room and saw my brother there, a bandage carefully around the left side of his face. I sprinted up to him, but stopped short, unwilling to shelve my pride and throw my arms around him.
I could tell that my brother was trying not to flinch; the wound would be extremely sensitive and hurt constantly for a while since it was right after the attack had happened. He was hiding from me, being strong. We had to, because Fire Nation royalty wasn't weak because of anything, even if they were banished.
"Answers Azula," Zuko said quickly, standing up and holding me tightly by the sides of my arms, wincing at the same time. I looked up at him, astonished and trying not to stare at the white wrapping. Was he finally going to tell me what I had wanted to know for more than eight years?
"You have to pretend to hate me because it will turn into real hate. Mom and dad have favorites, you because you're powerful, me because dad didn't like me when I was born. I can't tell you about why mom hates you and dad hates me," Zuko took a deep breath and continued at the same fast pace. "I…" he looked at me, seeing me somehow in a way that he had never before. "I can't tell you anything else."
"But-"
"No Azula, don't say anything," he put a warm hand on my lips, and I stopped. "I'm banished to look for the Avatar. Uncle wanted to stick up for me, and father said that if he agreed with me, than he should go with me. So uncle and I are leaving soon. I had to tell you these things first, especially this."
"You have to hate me Azula. Hate me with all your might. Believe whatever dad says, and don't think about it from my point of view. I'll convince myself the same way, that I have to regain my honor and such."
"I don't want to, Zuko! I don't care, you… you have a scar now…" He probably wouldn't have an eyebrow, and his left eye wouldn't work properly. Also, Zuko's hearing would most likely be impaired.
I was interrupted again. "But I do Azula. You don't understand, but I do. Do this Azula. Do it."
"O- okay…"
"Promise me, Azula."
"Zuko-"
"Promise me!"
"I promise," I relented. Zuko let go of my arms, and stood back. He nodded to me and left the room, taking long strides, almost running but not quite. I watched him go, and couldn't help thinking to myself,
I will hate him… won't I...
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Author's Notes:
Hmmm… yes, I took from a lot of different sources. Sorry if you think I'm stealing. I sort of took from another Zuko/Azula thing, I took from Wicked, a bit. You know the book and the musical? Yeah, great stuff.
Just so you know, in case you were confused, each time there is a break, the children get older, so it's not the next day or anything. It could be a year or more. Except for the ones at the very end, but I think you probably understood that one. Yeah, just to clarify.
This could be a one shot, or this could be turned into an actual fanfiction story. I could do either, so I would love to hear your opinion on the matter. Review please! Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.