A/N: Alright, I'm just going to get this out of the way now: I HATE TWILIGHT. That being said, many people might have questions they want to ask me. So I've created a series of questions. If you choose to read them, you can. But if not, continue with the story! Hopefully, I'll get a few laughs. Also, this fanfiction was inspired by a text message my friend Blondie sent. So hopefully you will like it!
Q&A with Opal
Q: OMGZ!1!!! H0W CAN J00 N0T LYK TWILIGHT?!?!
A: I tried reading the books. I did; I only got up to Chapter 10 of Twilight and I put the book down and just stopped reading it. I didn't feel like reading it anymore. Plus, I really don't like it when the overly-hyped fangirls practically jump down my throat saying it's the greatest book ever. Because I have read far better books ((i.e. Harry Potter, Gemma Doyle trilogy)) In addition, I hate SM's version of vampires (or "Meyerpire" as my friend Anjelica calls it). Vampires should explode and die into the sun. They should not SPARKLE. Also, how can you be a vegetarian vampire if you suck the blood of animals?
Q: If you don't like Twilight, why are you even bothering to post a Fanfiction?
A: Because despite the fact that I don't like it, I get random thoughts that I just have to get down.
Q: Team Edward or Team Jacob?
A: I honestly don't care.
Q: BUT EDWARD IS SOOO HOTT!!!
A: Overly possesive vampires don't have an appeal to me. Especially when they watch you sleeping and compare you to heroin.
Once again, it was a rainy morning in Forks, Washington. Bella stirred slightly, blinking so rapidly one might mistake her eyelids as buttefly's wings. She was about to throw the covers off of her when she felt her stomach cramping. Or what she thought was her stomach. Hurrying to the bathroom, she came to the realization that her dear Aunt Flo had arrived unexpectedly.
"Dangit," she muttered, rifling through the cabinets. She had bought a box of TAMPAX tampons a while ago to save her dad the embarrasment of buying them. If only she could remember where they were! After what seemed like ages, she finally found them. Inserting it in quickly, she hopped in the shower (nearly twisting her ankle as she did so since she stepped on the bar of soap). Then, she dressed casually before heading downstairs for breakfast. Her dad wasn't up yet, so she helped herself to a hard-boiled egg before going out to her rusty orange truck. After an uneventful drive, she parked her car and turned it off. Upon exiting her car, she spotted her boyfriend Edward Cullen across the parking lot. His pale skin seemed to glow against the dismal rain. He was absolutley perfect! And to think that she was dating a vampire that defied all laws of physics and could actually control his thirst for her blood! It was so romantic!
"Oh Edward!" Bella swooned, practicaly throwing herself onto the boy. He seemed to convulse slightly, flaring his nostrils.
"Baby, what's wrong?" she asked.
Turning to face her, Edward clenched his fists. The urge to bite her was so powerful! If only her scent was more repulsive. He tried calming himself down by imagining Mike Newman spraying too much Axe in the boy's locker room. If that wasn't repulsive, he didn't know what was. Slowly, he began to calm down.
"This may seem a bit intruding, but I believe you have your period," he said. Bella looked at him in shock, "I thought you wouldn't be able to tell!"
"Obviously I'm a vampire. While I may not be like the more 'classical' ones, we still share one commonality: a thirst for blood. And you, my dear Bella, are releasing far more than usual. I have a hard enough time controlling myself around you! How can I control myself when your estrogen levels are far higher than normal?"
Bella hadn't considered this. Edward's sinuses were drowning from the overdosing smell that radiated off her skin. Surely he wasn't thinking of biting her in public! But if he did, they'd be together forever! And nothing was more romantic than forbidden love reversing at the tips of their fingers (technically fangs. But even Edward didn't have those).
"Then just bite me and get it over with! I can't live without you!" Bella cried, practically throwing herself onto the damp pavement.
"No! It would defy everything Carlisle and Esme have taught me! I must go."
"B-but you can't leave me! I love you too much!"
Stroking her cheek, Edward and Bella gazed into each other's eyes with such passion it caused Twilight fangirls to squeal with delight while the Twilight haters vomitted in a corner.
"It'll only be until your menstrual cycle has ended," he promised, "how long would that be precisely?"
"Seven days at most. But keep in mind, it happens once a month," Bella reminded him.
"Very well. Until then, farewell my swan," said Edward dramatically, kissing Bella's cheek before darting away like a road runner. Trying to numb the pains of not seeing her vampire-boyfriend for a week and her feminine cramps, Bella followed everyone else to begin another school day.
A/N: WAHOO! I HAVE FINISHED! Please read and review. Feel free to flame, but keep in mind I will probably laugh harder than I did writing this.