A large group of people stood outside a massive mansion, not knowing how they got there. Some of the more intelligent ones were trying to figure out how and why they got there, while some of the less intelligent ones were just doing nothing.
Ganondorf: Perhaps we were sent here by a dimensional portal.
Meta Knight: Perhaps to fight to the death.
Peach: What are we going to do for clothes!?
Bowser: Maybe you should just do what DK is doing.
Peach glanced at the hulking ape, wearing nothing but a tie, but she was way too dumb to realize what he meant.
Peach: Silly Bowser, ties are for men!
Bowser: Dumb bitch.
Mario: What was that?
Bowser: Nothing!
Elsewhere, King Dedede was conversing (if you could call it that) with Wario.
Wario: I'm fucking hungry. Where's the food.
Dedede: If we get really hungry, we'll just eat those two kids over there.
He pointed to Ness and Lucas, who in turn hid behind Marth and Ike.
Ike: Get the hell out of here kids!
They ran. Suddenly, two massive hands opened the doors.
MH: Welcome! I am your host, Master Hand. This is my colleague Crazy Hand.
CH started chasing Lucas, who was crying. MH yanked him back up to the door.
MH: In case you didn't know, I am hosting a massive tournament here! You will all fight in special arenas. To make things fair, they will all be from your dimensions, and don't cry if someone gets more stages than you.
R.O.B.: I am tired of this shit Wesley, I want to ingest some alcohol and impregnate the women here.
MH: Of course there is a bar in-
R.O.B., Snake, Captain Falcon, Ike, Wolf and Game and Watch rushed inside.
MH: O….K
CH: BRAINS!
MH: Shut up. Now I have a bag full of keys to your rooms, you will all be assigned a roommate. It isn't my problem if your roommate happens to be extremely annoying, talking to you Ganondorf!
MH and CH started tossing keys to the smashers.
MH: Get settled in then!
The group started walking inside and saw a list of rooms and who was staying in them.
Room 1:
Wario and Mr. Game and Watch
Room 2:
Captain Falcon and Sonic
Room 3:
Ike and R.O.B.
Room 4:
Snake and Luigi
Room 5:
Link and Donkey Kong
Room 6:
Ice Climbers
Room 7:
Ganondorf and Diddy Kong
Room 8:
King Dedede and Bowser
Room 9:
Marth and Peach
Room 10:
Samus and Zelda
Room 11:
Meta Knight and Falco
Room 12:
Fox and Pokemon Trainer
Room 13:
Ness and Kirby
Room 14:
Wolf and Lucas
Room 15:
Jigglypuff and Olimar
Room 16:
Pikachu and Mario
Room 17:
Toon Link and Pit
Room 18:
Lucario and Yoshi
They all went to their rooms to meet their roommates.
In Room 1
Wario walked inside to see Game and Watch over a deep fryer.
Wario: That smells good.
GW: It should be there boy! Here, have some fried chicken, it'll do you good.
He tossed a wing to Wario who ate it.
Wario: Ah, I think that beef I had last knight was better.
GW: WHAT!? Fried chicken is the best food on this damn planet!
Wario: I got nothing against it, just think beefs better.
GW: WARIO! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND!?
In Room 2:
Sonic walked inside and saw Falcon lifting weights and doing very masculine things.
Sonic: Hey! Sonic's the name, speeds my game!
Falcon: I'm Captain Falcon! I'm the champion of racing on my planet. And I can do this!
He cocked his arm back.
Falcon: FALCON-
He punched, letting out what appeared to be some kind of flaming bird.
Falcon: PUNCH!
Sonic: Well… I can do this.
He did that thing where he spins into a ball and rolled around the room.
Falcon: Ain't as impressive as the almighty Falcon Punch!
In Room 3
Ike entered to the sight of R.O.B. making love a supermodel and doing rails of cocaine.
Ike: What the fuck!?
Woman: I told you, I don't like threesomes!
She jumped out the window.
R.O.B: Damn it Wesley, I was scoring! Ah whatever, I fuck 25 a day anyway.
Ike: Ok, my name's Ike.
R.O.B.: I am R.O.B. for Robotic Operating buddy, though I like to say Randy Operating Badass, you may call me Rob, Wesley.
Ike: My name is Ike.
Rob: I know Wesley.
Ike: …
He heard a knock at the door, Ike opened it and saw a very twitchy looking crazy person.
Crackhead: Let me get a get a fat dub Rob!
Rob: You are in debt 200 dollars you inferior human!
Crackhead: Yo, I'm getting paid next week man! I'm good for it.
Rob: You said that last week, Wesley. No getting high until I get my money.
Crackhead: I'm good for it man!
Rob: Get out of my lot before I blast you with my laser beams. They are the most superior lasers in the galaxy.
The crackhead dives towards Rob's bed, but he swiftly kills the addict with his superior jet pack.
Rob: You do not fuck with this, Wesley.
He turned to Ike.
Rob: Don't tell his sister I killed him, or she won't do that thing when she sticks her tongue in-
Ike: Ok, I get it.
In Room 4
Snake cautiously entered the room, pistol in hand, grabbed the first moving thing he saw, threw it into a wall and put a gun to its head.
Luigi: DON'T KILL ME!
Snake: Oh, it's just you.
He let go of Luigi, who fell down. Snake started unloading his massive arsenal of weapons into a dresser.
Snake: So what do you do?
Luigi: I'm-a Luigi! I stomp on bad guys heads.
Snake: Yeah? I heard you were the king of second bananas.
Luigi: Can a second banana do this?
He jumped extremely high into the air, shooting through the ceiling, and the atmosphere, then he came crashing down… head first. He shot to the floor.
Snake: Yes, one can.
In Room 5
Link walked to his door, smelling something rather strange. He opened the door and was met with a burst of smoke in his face, but it wasn't cigarette smoke, it was something quite different that Link couldn't quite put his finger on. He saw DK lying on his bed, holding what appeared to be a hand-rolled cigarette.
Link: Hey
DK: …
Link: How are you doing?
DK: … want to puff this shit man?
He offered Link the suspicious "cigarette". Link took it and slowly took a puff. All of a sudden he realized how beautiful all the colors of the rainbow were. A very stupid smile spread across his face.
Link: Got any more?
DK opened a bag, which was full of these strange cigarettes. Link lay down on his bed and started to laugh his ass off.
In Room 6
The Ice Climbers entered their room and started unpacking their things, and finishing what they started back home, if you know what I mean. Little did they know that CH was looking through their window, rather obviously.
In Room 7
Ganondorf slowly entered the room and saw Diddy Kong mindlessly throwing his own excrement around.
Ganondorf: What the fuck!?
Diddy: Ooh ooh ah ah ah!
Diddy was crazily jumping around the room until Ganondorf, lightning quick, grabbed him by the neck. He tied Diddy to a bed post and taped his mouth shut.
Ganondorf: That oughta do it.
He lay on his bed and opened a book on warfare while Diddy continued screaming.
In Room 8
Dedede entered his and Bowser's room, and was met with the unpleasant site of Bowser jacking off to naked pictures of Peach. When Bowser noticed Dedede, he tried to make it seem like he was just sitting, but ended up falling on the ground. Dedede picked up the pictures and flipped through them.
Dedede: Isn't she here?
Bowser: Yeah, so?
Dedede: Well why don't you just try to, you know, woo her.
Bowser: That damned Mario and Luigi end up stomping my face in every time I get close.
Dedede: Aren't you supposed to have some ridiculously overpowered, scary-as-fuck transformation.
Bowser: Yeah, I need like magic or some shit.
Dedede: Really… BRICK!
Bowser: What?
Dedede: BRICK!
Bowser: You want a brick?
Dedede: BRICK!
Bowser held out a brick he found. Dedede punched right through it.
In Room 9
Peach entered, eager to meet a new friend and saw Marth, doing stereotypical serious hero things.
Peach: Why are you wearing a tiara?
Marth said something in some unintelligible language.
Peach: What?
Marth again said something in his language.
Peach: I can't understand what you're saying.
Marth sighed and went back to his stereotypical hero things.
Peach began prancing around the room.
Peach: Oh what a wondrous day! The sky is blue and the sun is shining.
She continued her rant about how wonderful everything is. Marth buried his head in his hands. It was going to be a long tournament.
In Room 10
Zelda entered and saw Samus tuning up her rather impressive arsenal of weapons.
Zelda: Hey.
Samus grunted.
Zelda: So what does this suit do?
Samus: It's a power suit. Got a lot of guns and stuff.
Zelda noticed a tattoo on Samus' lower back
Zelda: Is that a tattoo?
Samus stopped, blushed and continued working as though she had not heard anything.
Zelda: Come on! What is it?
Samus made the sounds she was making much louder. Unfortunately for her, it made the tattoo more visible. It said "Property of R.O.B." along with an arrow pointing to her ass.
Zelda: Wow…
In Room 11
Falco walked into his room to see Meta Knight meditating.
Falco: Greetings my masked friend!
Meta Knight: …
Falco: My name is Falco! I would like to extend formal greetings into this room that we will be staying at! My one request is that you do not sneak into my bed while I am sleeping, for I am not gay.
Falco continued to ramble about how great he was, while Meta Knight said nothing.
Falco: … and that's why I am the most intelligent being in my universe
In Room 12
Fox entered and saw the Pokemon Trainer along with his Pokemon.
Fox: Hey.
Squirtle jumped into Fox's pants.
Fox: Hey, what are you doing!?
The erratic movement stopped for a moment.
Fox: I didn't say stop.
PT: Hey Fox! I'm a pokemon trainer, I travel across the lands searching for pokemon to help me in battle!
Fox: You're a bit of a lazy-ass, just getting those pokemon to do everything for you, and while they're getting their asses kicked, you're just standing by shouting commands.
PT: Yeah… well… you're a tourneyfag character! And you've been totally nerfed!
Fox started crying.
In Room 13
Kirby was playing around the room when Ness ran in looking very scared. Outside, they heard a deranged voice.
CH: WHERE ARE YOU BOY! I WANT TO PLAY! AND BY PLAY I MEAN BRUTALLY ATTACK YOU!
Kirby: Poi?
Kirby all of a sudden felt very hungry. He looked at Ness and decided to take a page out of Dedede's book. He tried to suck Ness in.
Ness: AHHHHH!
He ran outside and saw CH, who started to chase him again. Ness started to cry as CH threw him into walls.
In Room 14
Lucas nervously walked into his room and saw Wolf, who had his feet up on a desk. In one hand, he held a beer bottle, in the other a cigarette. Lucas noticed that his bed had been thrown out the window and replaced by a fridge. Wolf turned around.
Wolf: The fuck do you want?
He noticed Lucas' staring at his fridge.
Wolf: You touch my booze and I'll kill you kid.
Lucas: Where am I going to sleep?
Wolf: On your bed, dumbass.
Lucas: But it's outside.
Wolf: So? I was raised in the wild. You should be too, you might be less of a pussy.
Lucas: Hey!
He took out his baseball bat. Wolf looked at his cigarette, which was down to the filter.
Wolf: Kills and shit.
He put it out on Lucas' head, who promptly began crying.
Wolf: I know, I know, it hurts me too… not.
He lit up another cigarette.
In Room 15
Jigglypuff, and Olimar did nothing… due to their lonerness.
In Room 16
Mario kicked down the door, which landed on Pikachu.
Mario: It's-a me! Mario!
Pikachu: PikaCHUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pikachu used thunder, which shocked Mario.
Mario: That-a wasn't nice! I'm going to have-a to punish you!
He took out his hammer and started hitting Pikachu with it.
Mario: Say my name bitch!
Pikachu: Pika!
Mario: It's-a Mario! You have a lot to learn!
He continued hitting Pikachu.
In Room 17
Toon Link approached the door to his and Pit's room, he heard a very girly, flamboyant voice on the other side of the door. TL opened the door and saw Pit on a cell phone.
Pit: Gotta go Ted, love you!
TL: Hey.
Pit: Well aren't you the cutest thing! Want to be my friend?
TL: I'd really rather no-
Pit: It's settled! Now let's go do a team battle against that no fun robot and his steroid abusing swordsman friend! That bastard robot slept with my mother… and Palutena… and Medusa… at the same time!
TL: I don't really want to.
Pit didn't listen and dragged TL to an arena to meet Ike and Rob. They lost… horribly. Seriously, after TL gave up and started to SD, Rob held Pit down while Ike took all of his money.
In Room 18
Yoshi looked at Lucario, who was meditating.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Lucario said nothing.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
He ate Lucario and crapped him out.
That night, MH called all of the fighters to the central hall.
MH: Welcome again! For your nighttime leisure, I have taken the liberty of building several rooms for you all to enjoy and party in. If you will all follow me, I will show you them. He led them to a door that had a plaque on it reading The Lady's Club.
MH: This is a room specifically made for the women that are staying, but you guys-
He made a cough which sounded oddly like Pit.
MH: -are welcome to come in.
He opened the door to see a somewhat spacious room with a few couches along with a wide screen TV, there was also a hot tub and a shelf that had various types of feminine liquor, mostly vodka. Paintings were on the wall that showed famous women in videogame history.
MH: It's a nice room built for the female who just wants to relax and… hey!
He noticed a spy camera hanging from the ceiling.
MH: Crazy Hand! I don't care if you're crazy! That's inexcusable.
He crushed the camera and threw it in a garbage can.
MH: If you will follow me further.
He led them down a hall to similar door, that had a plaque reading The Gentlemen's Lounge.
MH: I'm quite proud of this one, same deal with the other room.
He coughed something that sounded along the lines of Samus. MH opened the door to reveal a very classy, detailed lounge. There were various leather couches and chairs along with tables. There was a bar in the back that had nearly every kind of hard liquor imaginable, and a mini fridge that they guessed was stocked with beer, there was also a wide-screen TV that had football playing on it. Snake looked at a cigar humidor that was filled with very expensive looking cigars. There was also a shelf beside it that carried a stack of various cigarette brands.
MH: My favorite room. Got the works for the classy men here.
Rob: Where the fuck is the Hypnotic Wesley?
He went to the bar and started rummaging for Hypnotic.
MH: Well, I'm sure we have some somewhere. Onto the next room!
He led them further down the hall to yet another door with a plaque reading Kids Room
MH: This is the room for the children here, adults are alright too.
He coughed and one might've been able to catch the word Fox. MH opened the door to what appeared to be the standard kid's room. TV, board games, videogames and a soda fountain.
MH: Well, that's all the rooms. I hope you all have a fun night!
They split into four groups, those going to the Lady's room, those to the gentlemen's lounge, those going to the kids room and those who simply went back to their rooms.