If ya come to Hazzard County tonight, you might find a chill in the air, enough so to make it uncomfortable to do anything you'd normally do outside. That might lead you to hunt some excitement indoors. Now if you was to ask around, most of the folks of Hazzard would point ya straight to the Boar's Nest, but this is one night that you'd be wastin' your gas goin' out there. Ya see, it's Christmas Eve, the only night every year aside from Easter and his birthday that old J.D. Hogg sees fit to close the place down. But it ain't empty. Like in most other parts of the world, Christmas Eve is a magical night in Hazzard, a night when the lamb and the lion will play as you might say, when old enemies become new friends, even if it's just for the night. And that's exactly what's goin' on behind that door with the big CLOSED sign on it.
"Okay, did everyone bring their white elephant gifts?" Lulu asked, having cleared the table of the dinner dishes with Daisy's help.
Looking around the table she saw that everyone nodded, that is, with the exception of Jesse.
"Uncle Jesse, are you sure you don't want to participate?" Daisy asked one last time.
"I done told you Daisy, I got a gift for everybody." Jesse replied.
"Now Jesse how do you think that makes us feel? All of us just brought one gift to give to one person!" Luke scolded him.
"Well it ain't gonna break your back carryin' it home. Ya'll jist go on and do what you normally do and mine 'ill come at the end."
"Now Miss Lulu, how'd you say this worked again?" Bo asked, smoothing the tape down on his gift that had been hurriedly wrapped with a newspaper.
"Well as you all remember, we were supposed to bring a white elephant gift, which is something that we had laying around the house that we didn't really want anymore. The way the game works is that we'll each draw a number out of this basket. Then, starting with number one, we'll pick a gift from the stack. Now number one has to keep his gift. Number two will then pick a gift. If he likes it, he can keep it, OR exchange it with number one if he likes one's better, and one can't protest. Three can exchange with either one or two or keep his own, and so on. Once everybody has played, then number one gets the privilege of keeping his gift or exchanging with anyone at the table. Understand?"
"I understand that I wanna be number one!" Bo announced with a smile.
"Ain't nothin' unusual there." Luke replied with a smile of his own as everyone passed their gifts to Lulu.
Once Lulu had assembled all the gifts onto a separate table and passed out the numbers, she turned to the group. "Okay, who's got number one?" She asked.
"That would be me!" Cletus announced cheerfully. He then got up and went over to the table where the gifts awaited him. Looking them over, he shook a couple, grinning at his friends playfully while doing so.
"Aw come on Cletus!" Boss complained after the deputy had seemingly examined each and every package.
"There ain't no lost treasures in there honey, just the old junk none of us wanted anymore." Daisy reminded him.
Finally selecting a gift, Cletus brought it over to the table so everyone could watch him open it. Grinning broadly, Bo saw that the deputy had chosen the newspaper wrapped gift he had brought.
"Well." Cletus said, having opened the package and examining it. "This one ain't too bad!"
"Hey!" Luke said, a look of protest on his face. "Bo, what possessed you to wrap up my Roy Rogers lamp?"
"Well Daisy told us to bring something we didn't want around the house anymore!" Bo reminded him.
"She meant your stuff Bo, not mine!" Luke retorted.
"Luke, we both passed eighteen a few years back. Now how do you think it looks to them girls when we have 'em over and they go in our room and there sits little kid's lamp with a plastic cowboy and horse on it?"
"I don't suppose it'd look any worse to them than that collection of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions you have stacked under the lamp!" Luke replied.
"Um, maybe we better just go on." Lulu suggested, trying to hide a laugh. "Who's number two?"
"That'd be me." Enos replied, getting up and giving Daisy his trademark grin. Going to the stack of gifts, he selected the one with the prettiest wrapping job, the one he knew for a fact that she had brought in. The deputy had already decided that he would be perfectly happy with anything that had once belonged to her.
That is, until he opened it. Reddening in embarrassment, he found himself holding up a purple bra!
"I'm sorry Enos!" Daisy said, patting him on the arm as she and the rest of the table roared with laughter. "But it's something I didn't need. 'Fraid it don't, um, quite fit anymore."
Reddening even further, Enos quickly deposited the gift back in the box. Stuffing the tissue paper over the top, he swiftly placed the gift in front of Cletus, taking possession of the lamp.
"Oh great, I'm stuck with it!" Cletus mumbled, looking around the table full of people who had no use for such a garment, with the exception of Lulu, who couldn't fit into the thing anyway.
Up next was Luke. It didn't matter which gift he selected, he was bound and determined to reclaim possession of his lamp. And it wasn't a hard decision to make at all, when he opened the moldy salami that Cletus had wrapped up from his refrigerator. Passing it off to Enos, he grabbed his cherished lamp, using only the look on his face to dare anyone to take it again.
And if it seemed to everyone that Bo always followed Luke, tonight was no exception because he was up next. Selecting what seemed to be the smallest gift on the table, Bo gave it a little shake before he opened it up. Inside he found something he couldn't use, but was amusing all the same. Holding it up, he showed the crowd a VHS copy of an old Richard Simmons workout tape, brought by Lulu.
"Too bad we don't have a VCR." Bo shrugged in a way that told the crowd that he thought not having the device was a very good thing in this situation. Offering Luke a mischievous grin, he only aggravated him for a moment before he traded the tape off to Cletus in exchange for the bra."
"What'd ya do that fer? You coulda at least sold that tape at the next swap meet!" Jesse explained.
"Well Becky May always was partial to purple. And I's always partial to Becky May in purple!"
Everyone roared in laughter, especially Bo, who was extremely amused by Uncle Jesse's expression.
"Ya better git on with it Lulu fer I say somethin' to ruin everyone's evenin'." Jesse suggested.
"Okay who's got five?" Lulu asked, deciding it might be best to follow Jesse's advice even as she fought to control her laughter.
"That's me! That's me!" Boss exclaimed, jumping up happily from his chair. Typical of his greed, he went over to the table and chose the largest package, the one brought in by Cooter.
"Wonder what could be in here?" He pondered, sitting the box on the floor in front of the crowd as it was too big to place up on the table.
Not waiting for suggestions, he tore into the paper and opened up the flaps. Frowning, he looked inside. "Why this ain't nothin' but a bunch of trash!"
"That ain't household garbage Boss! That there's about twenty pounds of crushed aluminum cans!" Cooter said, pointing to the box.
"Well for heaven's sake what kind of a present is that?" Boss asked.
"It's a white elephant gift!" Cooter reminded him. "And it ain't totally awful. You can take that for recyclin' and git two, maybe three dollars outta it!"
"I ain't got time to go scrapin' for piddly puddly money like that!" Boss replied, eying the other gifts on the table. Dragging the cans over to Enos, he took the moldy salami away from him.
"J.D.! I hope you ain't thinkin' about eatin' that thing!" Lulu exclaimed.
"Of course not, sugar dumplin'. I'm just gonna throw it out back and give that poor stray dog that comes around a halfway decent meal on accounta it's Christmas." He replied with the best heartfelt grin he could manage.
"Well, that's nice of ya, J.D." Lulu replied.
With his wife satisfied, Boss walked through the kitchen doors as she summoned the holder of number six to the table. Surprised that Boss would take mercy on a dog, Lulu looked through the kitchen door windows to watch him deposit it out back, and shook her head when she saw Boss sneak a bite out of the good end instead.
Daisy was up next, and found herself opening the gift Rosco had brought: one of Flash's old chew toys that had seen much better days. Not seeing anything any better on the table, she decided to keep it, that is, until some mournful barks from the floor lead her to return the toy to it's rightful owner.
Next Cooter was up. Picking up a fairly small package, he made the comment that whatever was inside couldn't be nearly as bad as some of the things laid out on the table tonight. But he quickly took it back when he opened it up…..and found a framed baby picture of Boss Hogg!
"He was always complainin' 'cause I had that thing on display in the living room. I finally resigned to let him bring it tonight." Lulu nodded a bit solemnly.
"Where'd that salami go?" Cooter muttered as everyone snickered and hid their gifts under the table so he couldn't swipe them.
Next Lulu herself was up. Luke had a hard time suppressing a grin as the lady chose the gift he had selected for that evening. Tearing the paper off, Lulu found that she had been bestowed with a bald tire from the General Lee!
"Oh Lulu, that is awful!" Daisy giggled, clapping her hands together as Boss came back in the room.
"Nonsense! Why I can make me a planter out of this. Just gotta set it up in the front yard and fill it up with dirt." Lulu replied, never one to seem ungrateful for anything.
"Planter my hide! I ain't walkin' out my door ever mornin' and lookin' at no ugly tire in my front yard that used ta belong to no Duke boys!" Boss complained. "Why they probably burnt it up in tha first place runnin' from some ticket they's supposed ta pay."
"You'll sit there and hush J.D. 'fore ya ruin everybody's holiday!" Lulu scolded him, showing who was the real boss at the Hogg residence.
Last but not least, it was Rosco's turn. Taking the only remaining gift, he opened it up and discovered that Enos had brought a bag full of miniature motel toiletries.
"It's a long summer down at the police academy, sheriff." Enos announced, explaining the reason for the collection.
"Well this would make an awful nice gift for mamma, but I just couldn't imagine keeping it when there's a picture to be had of my little fat buddy!" Rosco exclaimed with one of his famous laughs, passing the bag off to Cooter. "And considerin' where you work, I'd say you can use that more than me anyway!"
Cooter was glad to have anything other than a picture of Boss, but still offered the sheriff a glare as he took his seat, the rest of the table giggling all the while.
"Well Cletus, I guess that brings us back to you honey." Lulu then announced, going back to lucky number one. "Anything you see you'd rather have than a Richard Simmons workout tape?"
"Well I dunno." Cletus replied, rubbing his chin as he looked at the assortment of gifts. "You still got that VCR around here somewhere Cousin Boss?"
"Yeah yeah, it's over there in the corner." Boss replied, pointing to the television.
To help him make up his mind, Cletus got up and inserted the tape. Fast-forwarding to the beginning of the workout, he watched as Richard began to lead his audience in a warm up. As the deputy encouraged the others to join him, Cooter, Luke, Jesse opted to watch the rest, shaking their heads as the short workout morphed from a somewhat organized assembly into something that resembled a square dance.
"Well." Cletus then decided as they sat back down at the table, laughing and goofing off as if they'd all had one two many. "If for nothing more than the memories, I'll keep the tape!"
"Okay Uncle Jesse." Daisy then said a few minutes later after the crowd had a chance to settle down once again. "Now that all that's out of the way, I'm dying to know what you have in store for us."
"Yeah, Jesse. What is it?" Luke asked, as he and Bo perked up like little kids who had just seen Santa himself.
Before he could answer, the payphone rang. "I'll get it." Jesse replied, picking up the receiver. "Well whaddaya know, right on time!" He replied moments later, laying the phone back down. "Now everybody close yer eyes."
Satisfied that everyone was following instruction, Jesse went and opened the door. All any at the table were aware of was the fact that the door opened and closed again , with the sound of more than one pair of feet coming back toward the table.
"Alright, you can open 'em now." Jesse announced.
When all the eyes in the room opened, collective gasps went out.
"Tommy Lee!" Daisy exclaimed in delight, jumping up to hug the red-haired boy who stood almost as tall as her at the age of fourteen. Tommy Lee had touched the heart of every person in that room, having been one of the favorite orphans at the orphanage even afterl he was adopted five years ago. Even Flash, who had spent a short time with the boy, remembered her friend and began to wag her tail as Tommy Lee bent down to pet her.
"How you doin' girl?" Tommy Lee asked Flash.
"This is a wonderful Christmas present Jesse!" Daisy exclaimed, as Tommy and his family had returned from Atlanta to spend every Christmas with the Dukes since his adoption. His absence this holiday had been more than noticeable. "How did you manage it?"
"Well, I didn't. Turns out that Tommy Lee's grandparents had made plans to visit their daughter in Michigan 'fore they knew that Tommy and his folks were plannin' a visit to them up in Chattanooga. So they called me up yesterday 'nd said it'd be Christmas as usual. Just waited 'till now to tell any of ya."
"Well sit down here, Tommy Lee." Bo replied, pulling a chair out and patting the young man's back as Luke shook his parents' hands. "We can't tell you how happy we are to have ya back home for Christmas again."
As everyone else nodded and offered their greetings, Tommy replied. "Well I wasn't too disappointed that things didn't work out with Mamaw and Papaw. Christmas just wouldn't seem like Christmas without hearin' Uncle Jesse recite The Night Before Christmas."
"Well that sounds real nice, Tommy Lee." Cletus replied. "I wouldn't mind hearing that myself."
"Oh neither would I." Lulu confirmed, taking requests for coffee and pouring it out.
"Well come on Jesse. Seems it'd be a fittin' end to the evening." Rosco encouraged him.
"Well………alright." Jesse replied as he looked at the anxious crowd. Sitting on one of the barstools, he cleared his throat.
T'was the Night Before Christmas And All through the House
Not a Creature Was Stirring Not Even a Mouse
The Stockings
"No no no." Tommy Lee shook his head, interrupting. "Not that one, Uncle Jesse. The one you made up, the one you've told me the last three years."
As Bo Luke and Daisy commenced to laughing, the rest perked up in interest. Shaking his head slightly, Jesse looked at Tommy. "I don't quite think that'd be fittin' here."
"Oh come on Uncle Jesse!" Bo perked up, urging him along. "It'll be alright. I mean, the main theme of Christmas Eve night is Peace on Earth, ain't it?"
"Yeah." Rosco agreed, although he wasn't quite sure what he was agreeing to. "Besides, Tommy Lee there just said you'd been tellin' it to him for three years. Now I'd say if it's something fittin' for an eleven year old to hear, then it'd be alright for us to hear it too."
"Yeah." Boss replied. "So come out with it, Jesse."
Jesse offered a slight grin. "Well alright, J.D. But remember, you asked for it."
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all around the farm The boys were sleepin', sprawled out on their beds, When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard, The moon shone outside, the neighbor's dog was barkin'. With a fat ornery passenger, eatin' enough to make anyone sick You dipstick, you numbskull, brains made of molasses! Then he gathered the gifts and the car door he did slam. He wore a white suit with a matchin' hat on his head,
Not a creature was stirrin', cept Maudine in the barn.
The tree had been cut and decorated with care
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
While visions of Winston Cups danced in their heads.
And Daisy in the nightgown I found much too revealin'
Had just settled down from wrapping gifts of the season.
I opened the winder, thought it's Cooter's new T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
Nearly tripped on some parts from the General's transmission.
In the distant sky I saw a Christmas star a sparklin'..
When what to my wanderin' eye should appear
But a bumblin' sheriff and the dog he found dear.
I snarled and said, "Well that sure ain't St. Nick!"
Up to the house in a police car they came
And I heard J.D callin' Rosco name after name.
Pea brain, mama's boy, graduate of third grade classes!
Where'd you get the idea to bring gifts to the Dukes?
They're always in trouble, just a bunch of rebel kooks!
Knowin' J.D. I figured it's some kind of scam.
I thought of my kids who each slept like a log
And how they would cringe to find Santa was Boss Hogg.
the one I've often wondered if he wore even to bed.
And from his pocket dangled a watch and gold chain. The one that'd went missin', and my boys he'd blamed.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much raw liver. The stub of a cigar was perched between his lips He balanced the packages, I counted three, no four
The thought of him in my house on Christmas Eve made me quiver.
He trudged toward the house with no help from his cop.
Lookin' all fat and just 'bout ready to pop.
and on top of the packages what was left of his chips
He had a fat face and a big round belly.
And sniffed around like he thought somethin' was smelly.
And he laid them on the step just outside the door. Then he tried to get in but found the door had a lock. And seeing the late hour decided not to knock
He reached in his pocket and took out another cigar,
And pondered on this, the nicest thing he'd done so far.
But if you ask me, the goal of that glutinous eater Was simply to score points with the gate keeper Saint Peter
Later we found out those boxes contained.
Several items he thought would keep us entertained By fixing them up, some broken items and a worn vest He suggested Daisy could sew into shorts for the Boar's Nest
And he hopped in the car and to his sheriff he said
"Now git me on home, I gotta go to bed!"
And I heard Rosco cry out, with his strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS DUKES---- BUT TOMORROW I'LL TICKET Y'ALL"
The End
(More unplanned fluff! This all got started when I read 'The Redneck Night Before Christmas' and planned to post it on my profile page, then one thing led to another and I had a warped poem on my hands! Then I had to put something with it and thought of the Christmas gift exchange some friends and I have every year, and thought it would be a fitting addition! And voila! Here you have it! Can't wait to read your reviews!)