What is the measure of a broken heart? What makes some people more heartbroken than others? Is it what they have lost? Is it what they have never had?
For Keith, it was the loss of something that could have been.
It could have been the two sitting there. It could have been their daughter in his arms. It could have been his beloved's voice singing that lullaby. It could have been the happiest—one of the happiest—night in his life. It could have been the perfect future.
It could have been Keith and Lance, proud parents of a little girl, loving emperors of the Galra Empire.
However, it wasn't, it was Keith and Farla, proud parents of a little girl, rulers brought together in political marriage.
He loved his wife, he did, but not the way the universe expected him to. And he found comfort in knowing she felt the same. Often they would lay down at night and talk about the things that could be. She would tell him stories of her childhood friend Isamu—that sounded a lot like Lance—and he would share tales of his good friend Lance—that sounded a lot like Isamu. Two half-galras lamenting what could have been had they acted upon their hearts.
That night, his wife was getting some much-needed rest after a day taking caring of Esperanza and dealing with the politics of an empire by his side. Keith held his daughter, still a bit unsure—he was an impulsive short-tempered half-alien warrior, after all—but with adoring tenderness in his eyes. She looked back at him with blue eyes—like her mother's.
(Bluest blue like her uncle's.)
"You should be asleep." He laughed softly at the small whine she answered with. "Then, how about a lullaby? Your uncle Lance—you remember him, don't you? He's the man who named you—used to sing lullabies for the team, they always helped us sleep."
The emperor took a few seconds to think, rocking Esperanza slowly. Lance liked to sing, it was no surprise to anyone. He always looked so flattered when someone asked him to sing. The team adhered quite quickly to the habit of asking him to sing. Sind to fill the silence. Sing to sooth their troubled minds. Sing to lift their spirits. Sing to bring smiles on their faces. He was especially fond of songs in Spanish—go figure—and Broadway musicals. Speaking of which…
"Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?
You have my eyes
You have your mother's name"
Okay, Keith would admit he wasn't the best singer out there—unless Lance was nearby, of course. Nevertheless, he was trying. Holding his daughter so close to his heart prompted him to try. Seeing the future smile—a toothless smile—back at him made him put effort on his singing. Voice soft, not more than a sweet murmur.
"When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart"
He could relate to Burr, he did feel some tears trying to leave his eyes when she was born. Luckily for him, Lance had bawled enough for the two of them. It was a wonder the King of Altea still had tear to shred when Allura gave birth to their son three months later.
"I'm dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite my style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart"
Again, he felt Lance had taught him that song specifically so Keith could sing it on a later date. The Emperor didn't put it past the King. Having a daughter brought up a side of him Keith had no idea it existed. A side that wished nothing more than go back home and have a peaceful afternoon with the little girl in his arms, sitting on that comfy chair—gift from Shiro—and staring at the horizon.
(An old side that wished nothing more than to have Lance there with him also made an appearance now and then, but Keith was learning to shove it back to the bottom of his heart.)
(He was failing and could not bring himself to do anything about it.)
(His attempts were half-hearted anyways.)
"You will come of age with our young nation
We'll bleed and fight for you, we'll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you
And you'll blow us all away
Someday, someday
Yeah, you'll blow us all away
Someday, someday"
Keith gazed at Esperanza lovingly. He would do right, he would give peace to the universe. So she would grow in a healthy world. So she would have a beautiful life. So she wouldn't suffer the pain of war. So she wouldn't taste the gray sadness her father had to. So she would have both parents by her side until they couldn't keep up with her strides anymore. Rocking her fondly, he cherished the vision of her closed eyes and bright future.
He cherished what could be.
He cherished what would be.
(He cherished what could have been.)
(Maybe, if the Universe showed some kindness, Lance was doing the same.)
In Portuguese, there is one word that doesn't really have a translation. Some translate it as "longing"; some translate it as "nostalgia". Correct, both translations, but also wrong. That word means much more. Some say it is "the love that stayed"; some say it is "the feeling of missing something and being, at the same time, glad that something was in their life".
To Lance, it was both a bitter love for what that could have been and a sweet fondness of what had been. A deep desire to have what he had not and a strong wish to keep what he did.
"Saudade" was the word.
He felt it while thinking about his family back on Earth. He wished he never left them, longing to live what he couldn't thanks to the war. He was glad he didn't, for what he found beyond the stars was something he wouldn't trade for anything.
He felt it while thinking about his beloved. He wished he had told that boy—that man—how he felt, longing to hold him and love him until his presence in the Universe was no more. He was happy he didn't, for what Allura provided to him was something he would always cherish.
(Didn't make the feeling any less bittersweet.)
He loved Allura, he knew, but not the same way he loved that boy. Allura knew too, and she made sure to come clear to him about her feelings. She didn't blame him; she still loved Lotor even after everything. The first love is usually a strong one. They would often times sit down with the mice and share their feelings and stories. They truly loved each other, they knew. Just not the way the universe thought they did. Two people fondly thinking about what could have been.
Lance stared at his son, cooing and giggling in his mother's arms. Allura gently rocked Alfor, smiling. He hugged her closer, trying to avoid getting a mouthful of her short white hair. She smelled good, definitely thanks to the bath they had just taken. His son stared back with bright blue eyes like his mother's.
"Go to sleep, pequeño." The couple shared a small laugh at the stubborn glint in the baby's eyes. "He got that from you, gorgeous."
"How about a lullaby, husband?"
"Allura, he's the one who should be put to sleep, not you and him."
"Just one? Pretty please?" The Queen requested, resting her lips on her husband's cheek.
"As you wish, my Queen."
After a few ticks pondering, a sweet memory came to his mind. Lance sitting near the Black Lion with its pilot, trying to teach the other how to sing some Broadway songs. Saudade filled him once more and he smiled even more. Keith had been so awkward singing; the afternoon was turning into evening and throwing an ethereal light upon them. They glowed because of the light. Because of the love.
"Oh Philip, when you smile I am undone
My son
Look at my son
Pride is not the word I'm looking for"
Allura snorted when her husband pointed animatedly to their son. She could feel his heart beating, the slow beat of a satisfied heart. Full. Whole. Warm. She could feel the love coming out of his being, wave after wave of adoration. Lance reminded her of the sea, wave after wave, dream after dream, an endless vastness full of freedom and tameness.
Closing her eyes, she focused on the smooth voice of her King.
(She did not dare ignore the longing for what could have been in his voice.)
(Not when the same longing swirled around her mind.)
(It was fine. They knew.)
"There is so much more inside me now
Oh Philip, you outshine the morning sun
My son
When you smile, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart"
Lance rocked his wife and kid gently, Alfor's eyes closing more and more. He was happy. So, so happy. He had a beautiful family, big and loving. He had a beautiful Kingdom, thriving and growing. He knew he would not have what he had if he had stayed at home. If he had not started running after his dreams. If he had not decided to fight. If he had not lived what he lived.
He was glad to have lived what he lived.
(He longed for what he could have lived if he told Keith about his feelings.)
(Maybe, counting with the Universe's kindness, Keith was doing the same.)