AN: It's a parody. Don't complain.
Amethyst Turtle sat at her computer, fingers poised above the keyboards. She really should have been doing homework, but there was something that continued to nag at the corners of her thoughts, along with countless plot bunnies that refused to die. The girl sighed. Some people just didn't understand. Then her eyes lit up. One of the plot bunnies had offered her a carrot... or something like that. Smiling slightly, Amethyst Turtle began to type.
It has come to my attention that no matter how many times people toss out concrit like popcorn at the movies, there are still those who squeal "OMG luv it plz update!!1!" for any Mary Sue story. And yet the authors do not accept the concrit, and choose to believe that their story is "teh pwnz1!1!" based on those so-called reviews.
This is for all those authors out there.
"Yes. It'll do." Amethyst Turtle muttered. She turned around to fill in half a math problem sitting on her desk, which she really should have been doing. But oh well. The plot bunny was roaring for attention. She continued to type.
How to Make a Mary Sue
Are you sick of characters that have originality? Are you sick of characters that have PIZZAZZ? Or are you just plain tired of characters that everyone loves? Well, if you answered yes to four of these three questions, you can FIND OUT how to say BOO to all those stupidly creative people! Just purchase the Mary Sue Kit we have created for six payments of $19.99 and in no time, you'll have your own Mary Sue to kick Slade or Terra's sorry original asses!
(If you are pregnant, breast-feeding, bleeding, have contracted malaria, ADD, ADHD, ADHDHD, have or had asthma, have or had any nausea concerning large heights, or a forged doctor's note, please refrain from using this kit.)
Have fun creating your own perfect Mary Sue!
Step 1: Sex
The first thing to do is decide what sex your character will be. Is it a boy or a girl? Or maybe even an asexual creature (we'll get to species later)? We recommend making your character the same gender as yourself, because everyone knows that girls can't write a darn's worth of a boy's personality, and vice versa. Talk about sexism! Plus, it'll be easier to describe those perfect physical features and dialogue without feeling squeamish.
The rest of these instructions will be for Mary Sues only, because I'm NOT sexist at all. I'm also certainly NOT biased against Gary Stus.
Step 2: Name
Next is the name, one of the most important aspects of your character. Don't settle for something interesting like Sea Foot or Tarp, because those just sound silly! One method of deciding your character's name is by consulting a book of angsty poetry. Take out some words you think sound corny and dark, and assemble them in no specific order. You might come up with something like "Dark Crimson Soul" or "Crystal Glass" or "Forever Angel Rain." Or if you're particularly adventurous, you may end up with something like "Eternal Grace of the Fallen Immortal Vampires the III, fourth heir to the crown of the Castle of Shadow Warriors."
If you do not have an angsty poetry book, you can mix up the letters of your name. This is especially recommended for self-insertions, which nearly all Mary Sues have some resemblance to. For example, a girl named Emily might name her character "Lymie" or "Meliy." Plus, it'll sound even COOLER!
If you're no good at word puzzles, you can just name your Mary Sue after yourself. Who DOESN'T love an all-powerful being named Sally or Jane?
For those who plan on making your character a sibling of a canon character (preferably Robin or Raven, since they're the coolest Titans) you should name your character after a bird. Common choices include Falcon, Hawk, Dove, and Crow. DO NOT choose a unique bird such as Pigeon or Kingfisher, because remember, we're looking for UNORIGINALITY in this kit!
Or, if your Mary Sue is a sibling of Starfire, you MUST make her name ending with 'Fire'. Several customers reported successful uses of their characters named "Sunfire, Moonfire, Icefire, and Sexfire!"
Another alternative is the combination of two Titans' names. This is most common in the case in which your Mary Sue is the spawn of your favorite pairing. For example, Starfire and Robin's daughter would be named something like Nightfire, or some other species of bird. Forget about Nightstar. She's canon. And canon's a bitch.
Step 3.1: Descriptions- Eyes
Whoa! Hold on there! Before you even think about introducing your character properly in your story, you MUST describe her physical features, preferably in the first few paragraphs. That's right. We said a FEW. If your description is less than one paragraph, then you're not on the right track.
The perfect Mary Sue usually consumes about one chapter for physical descriptions. Remember that. Be sure to spend a few extra paragraphs describing those soulful eyes.
Your character's eyes should NOT be just one color. They should be at least three or four, depending on her mood. If you wish to create the perfect Mary Sue, her eyes should turn red when she's angry, like Raven's. At some points, her eyes should turn gold, and for the rest of the time, her eyes should be an icy blue or an amethyst purple, or your favorite color.
To ensure the waste of several paragraphs, you can use a thesaurus to come up with synonyms of "soulful", "deep", "piercing", and any other words that come in your descriptions. Hey, it worked for Ms. Meyer! Be sure to add some SPARKLE to color descriptions. Don't just say blue; say sparkling ocean sapphire. Don't just say red; say a furious shade of scarlet-crimson ruby that burned a hole in the hero's soul, causing him to swoon uncontrollably. If your character's eyes happen to be green, be sure to mention the word "emerald" at least ten or eleven times in the story.
You may notice the abundance of precious stones in these instructions. That is no mistake. The perfect Mary Sue is so beautiful, she's comparable to gems like diamonds, and sapphires, and rubies, and amethysts.
Step 3.2: Descriptions- Hair
Don't change the channel yet! We're just getting started!
The perfect Mary Sue also has perfect hair. Don't you DARE describe your own limp, boring, greasy mop of what you call hair. You should envision your dream-self, what you WANT to be. Not what you really ARE.
Remember, it's not what matters on the INSIDE, it's what matters on the OUTSIDE!
Any color will do for a Mary Sue, as long as you know how to beautify it. Your character's hair may be a midnight black, or a rich, chestnut brown, or bright, silky blonde, or maybe even something unique like a vibrant shade of violet that led the other characters to wonder if Mary Sue somehow got a hold of some purple Magic Markers.
As we said, any color will do.
As long as she has highlights.
Highlights are an essential part for a Mary Sue's appearance. Highlights practically say, "Hey! I'm an independent gal! Hear me roar!" This does not depend on what color the highlights are. They can pretty much be any color: red, silver, black, blue, pink, etc.
Her hair should be at least past her shoulder blades. If they are not, give her some Rogaine and get her hair to start growing, and fast! The recommended length for a perfect Mary Sue's hair is AT LEAST down to her ass. I mean hips.
Accessories are optional, but they add extra flair. These can include beads, ribbons, hair ties, braids, etc.
Step 3.3: Descriptions- Body
Every Mary Sue has a flawless body that makes Starfire look like a fat slob. In your description, be sure to mention the words "slim", "curvy", "hourglass", or "slender" a few times.
Or a dozen times.
Besides having that body that every model dreams of, Mary Sues are NEVER flat-chested. Her breasts should be round, wholesome, and healthy. They might even bounce and jiggle a little of you choose not to give your character a bra. Her breasts should be extra large, large enough to make Robin pass out from loss of blood and turn Jinx into a lesbian.
Of course, another important detail of your Mary Sue's body is her legs. Her legs should be long, slender, and so hairless that she can see her reflection in them. No stubble. Stubble is GROSS and unnecessary. Her feet should not be clunky or large, and her arms and hands and neck should be in proportion with the rest of her perfect body, so that her frame is lithe, athletic, yet as thin enough to be anorexic at the same time.
There are two choices of skin tone. Mary Sue's skin may be either pale and ashen, OR bronze and tan. She CANNOT be anything in between. Don't even think about making her yellow, or black, or pink! When you come to describing her (flawless) skin, take the time to repeat everything pointlessly. For example, if her skin were pale, you could say something among the lines of "Mary Sue's skin was ashen and pale. It was so pale that Raven looked like a Bahamas Beach Baby compared to her. Her skin was a light silvery-white that nearly glittered in the moonlight, and her ashen complexion only added to her infinitesimal beauty."
Oh, and don't forget to add in how GREAT she smells!
Step 3.4: Descriptions- Clothes
If you have followed the instructions up to here exactly, you should have the basic frame of a perfect Mary Sue on your hands. Here we come to another important detail: her wardrobe. The description of her clothes should take exactly one paragraph.
Each Mary Sue should have a casual outfit, a formal outfit, a crime-fighting outfit, and pajamas.
Her casual outfit may consist of a tube top/blouse/t-shirt and jeans/a skirt/shorts and shoes/heels/boots. Or, you can just give her a tight dress that barely covers her nether-regions. Make her clothes your favorite color. They should resemble something that you would really want to wear yourself, because YOUR opinions matter most, after all!
Mary Sue may wear her casual outfit during her crime-fighting outings, because you SHOULD NOT bother with the citizens of Jump City. They aren't important whatsoever. Why else would the Titans be protecting the city? However, if your Mary Sue enjoys shopping (which she should, unless she is a spunky tomboy) she may have a separate set of clothes for crime-fighting. They should resemble her casual outfit in some ways, like in color. DO NOT ever give Mary Sue spandex (like Robin), a body suit (like Beast Boy), or a leotard (like Raven) because those are just plain UGLY. If you must, you may give her a mysterious mask or a cool cape. But in all cases, your Mary Sue should be able to fight in ANY outfits, including those that have impossibly short skirts/shorts, very pointy heels, and other scandalous outfits that would make Starfire look like a nun.
Her formal outfit can be worn during dates or fancy dinners. It should be the same color as her other outfits. In fact, all of her outfits should follow a single color scheme. Anyways, Mary Sue's formal clothes should be a fancy designer dress that you picked out online but can't afford. Be sure to describe each individual stitch and the length of that really deep scoop-neck that shows off her big bust!
As with her formal outfit, pick out a pair of pajamas that you really want or admire, change the color scheme a bit to match her other clothes, and give them to her. They will be worn during those sleepovers where she will coax everyone else into playing Truth-or-Dare or Spin-the-Bottle.
Step 4: Personality
Everyone loves a Mary Sue! This is why you must make her the persona of an angel herself, to the point of every single character becoming infatuated with her perfection.
Your Mary Sue should not have any flaws. Flaws are what make those really annoying NORMAL people, anyways. She should be kind, yet witty, cool and suave, calm and collected, mysterious yet hilarious, and intelligent yet playful. In basic terms, your Mary Sue may resemble a mix between Raven and Beast Boy.
If your Mary Sue is one of those spunky tomboys, she should be playful, witty, and rude. But even if she's rude, everyone should still love her.
If your Mary Sue is the star of an angsty drama, she should angst. And by that, I mean she should angst A LOT, as in 24/7. The explanation for this scenario is taken care of in Step 5.
She should also be very proficient in at least one instrument. It should be something cool and sexy, like the guitar or piano. Every Mary Sue is good enough to put Jericho to shame. Most Mary Sues also have an angelic singing voice to accompany her originally written super-songs. This means that Mary Sue is extremely intelligent and has enough smarts to find the cure to the common cold.
Does your character resemble yourself so far? Yes? Great! You're on the right track! Your character should also share your likes and dislikes. Take the time to write down every single musical artist and movie/TV show that you positively adore, and clump them into your story at the most inconvenient points. Everyone will want to hear what you- I mean, Mary Sue likes!
This does not exactly comply with this step, but we ran out of room at the end. Your Mary Sue SHOULD NOT be a normal human. She should be either
A) an alien
B) from Azarath
C) a vampire
D) a neko (cat-person)
E) a fallen angel
F) half-anything (metahuman)
If she is an alien, her looks pretty much cover what she should be. This also applies to an Azarathian. To make a clear point, give her an unusual hair color.
If she is a vampire, give her fangs and (for Twilight fangirls) sparkly skin.
If she is a neko, your character should have fluffy ears, a fluffy tail, and vague cat-like characteristics like claws, whiskers, etc.
If she is a fallen angel, give her black wings and a constantly grieving expression on that lovely face of hers.
Fill in the rest yourself. SERIOUSLY.
Step 5: Background Story
The fun-loving Mary Sues that everyone loves normally have extremely DETAILED origins, including being an orphan and being trained by ninjas, monks, a secret warrior clan, or Pokemon masters.
However, if you plan on making your Mary Sue the center of an angst-genre story, be sure to explain every meticulous detail of her angsty and sorrowful past.
Her past should include at least 8 of the following, with Slade in there at some point:
1) Death of a loved one
2) Violence
3) Mental abuse
4) Sexual abuse (this includes rape, which is highly recommended!)
5) Being orphaned at a very young age
6) Being trained to battle at a very young age
7) Being the last survivor of her race
If it does, your Mary Sue should be cold and secretive (like Raven). She should also feel lots of angst, and have an occasional nightmare or two. Maybe a flashback. Whatever rolls your way. Who knows? She might even have an evil twin!
Step 6: Powers
Well, DUH! Of course your Mary Sue needs powers!
Even though she has super powers, she should be very skilled in martial arts. We recommend giving her all sorts of weapons including swords, knives, daggers, scimitars, katanas, sais, staffs, nun chucks, ball-chains, bow and arrows, and some sort of futuristic laser gun that makes everything go BOOM.
The most common powers that Mary Sues have include telekinesis, healing powers, super strength, super speed, ability to communicate with animals, shapeshifting, any form of energy power (like starbolt-ripoffs), teleportation, pyrokinesis, empathy, invisibility, invulnerability, magic or sorcerty, time/dimensional travel, excellent hand-eye coordination, the control over any other element (water, lightning, plants, earth, wind) and the ability to fly. If she can fly, we would recommend giving her beautiful wings that "illuminate in the dawn of light, each feather seemingly glowing radiantly in a shine of pure white flame."
Even if your character has complete control over her powers, she should ALWAYS be meditating at some point. You know, because it's really cool.
Step 7: Pets
No Mary Sue is complete without her own accessories- er, I mean, pets. Mary Sue pets are about as intelligent as her, painfully clever, and have no other purpose than to serve as some sort of sidekick. Huzzah for important side characters!
Options for this pet's species include dragons, phoenixes, unicorns, sea monsters, talking cats, talking dogs, or any other type of animal (mythical or real) that talks, really. This pet should have an unusual fur/scale/feather color. If it does not, give it some unusual markings that don't really do anything but make it look cool and BADASS.
It is optional to give this pet powers or not. That's the fun part of being completely ORIGINAL!
This pet's name can be anything to your liking. It can be named after your own pet, after your best friend, or after some anime character that you really adore.
In the end, Mary Sue might have a golden pet dragon named LUFFY! ... Or something like that.
Step 8: Interaction
Interaction between your character and the Teen Titans is one of the most important parts of your story.
Basically, all the Titans should be SMITTEN with your character.
At first, they may be distrusting and suspicious, but after one or two sentences, they should be welcoming your character into the team with open arms. Even Raven should, though she might be a bit squinty-eyed for another paragraph or so.
A typical Mary Sue outdoes all the Titans in everything. She destroys and PWNS Cyborg and Beast Boy at video games, meditates just as well as Raven does, shops often with Starfire (don't forget those 'bone-crushing hugs'!), and kicks Robin's spandex-clad ass in every physical challenge. She can also amuse the Titans with funny stories and jokes, her awesome cooking, a one-woman musical, or any other thing you can think of to fill in those tedious, boring chapters. In a broad view, interaction between Mary Sue and the Teen Titans should be quite flat and one-dimensional.
Slade should play a significant role in your story. Information for his role is in the next step.
Step 9: Plotline
Every perfect Mary Sue story ALWAYS centers completely around her. The other Titans only support her, and don't even think about the other honorary Titans.
Each Mary Sue fic usually begins with her either running away from some danger, walking around for no particular reason, or searching for something.
Here is where Slade comes in. It is your choice to make your character associated with him in the past. Either that, or Slade has become infatuated with your character. But who wouldn't?!? Anyways, in the beginning of your story (after descriptions, of course) Mary Sue might be being chased by Slade. Or she might be walking in the streets.
After several paragraphs of her innermost thoughts and feelings, the Titans come in, either to stop Slade or to be beaten up by some monster.
If it is the latter, your character WILL save them by kicking the monster's slimy ass.
After brief introductions (don't forget to include the questions that Starfire asked Terra!) have the Titans immediately invite her into the team. Usually, Robin is given the honors of doing this.
Your character's reaction can vary. She might be excited, or indifferent, or pissed off for no reason whatsoever. But in any case, have her join. Because the Titans NEED her.
Fill in the next few chapters with descriptions of Mary Sue's interaction with the Teen Titans. Include brief hints to Slade's plotting.
When the time is right, reveal the big surprise: Slade wants your character to be his new apprentice! EVERYONE will be shocked. No one will have suspected it.
Fill in the next few chapters with poorly written and rushed fight scenes and other complications that you can think up of.
Step 10: Romance
This is, no doubt, one of the major elements of a perfect Mary Sue story.
First off, pick your guy. It can be Robin, Beast Boy, Cyborg, Speedy, Aqualad, or Kid Flash. They're the cute ones.
We recommend Robin, since he's the sexiest of them all. Besides, the last three aren't very important in the episodes.
Mary Sue will seduce Robin with her mysterious allure. Robin will be drawn towards her. Don't even mention Starfire in these phases. She's a NOBODY.
All the way through your story, inject brief fluffy scenes between your character and Robin. They can also be angsty, too, such as Robin comforting your character when she remembers a piece of her TRAUMATIZING past. Be sure to have Robin take of his mask and reveal his secret soul to your character. That's a real sign of his devotion and love to her.
In the end, have a lemon. If you're squeamish, then don't. Simple, ain't it?
Step 11: Ending
Everything great must come to an end.
Only in some cases, though.
There are two main scenarios as to what can happen: 1) your character dies a DRAMATIC death at the hands of Slade or 2) she and the Titans live happily ever after.
Option one is recommended for the angsty stories. Stretch out the death scene as long as possible, and have her romantic partner (for example, Beast Boy) clutch her to his chest, wailing to the heavens and sobbing uncontrollably. It'll be sure to have your readers sobbing right along with him!
Option two is for those who cannot stomach death scenes. It can end with Slade being driven away, and yet another KISS scene between Mary Sue and Robin. It's perfect if you're planning a SEQUEL!
And those are the basic instructions to the construction of your very own Mary Sue. We hope that you have been satisfied! If you have not, please call customer services and you MIGHT get one-eighth of a refund. Just might.
Our product is not responsible for any flames, spam, or trolls that may result from use of your brand new Mary Sue.
Really, though. Who would ever take this seriously?
Amethyst Turtle lifted her hands off the keyboard and sat back in her chair, satisfied. Editing would come later. Sighing, she closed the page and turned to the side.
There was homework to be done.
"Damn..."
AN: Flames are perfectly welcome. I won't mind.
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.