Two words. That's all I needed.
'She's okay'... or 'she'll live'... or 'she's fine'... anything but...
"I'm sorry," Doctor Sanchez said apologetically and bowed her head. Any two words but those. That was all I wanted.
All I wanted was to see her clear blue eyes again, to hold her in my arms and kiss her soft, pouty lips, and to tell her how much I loved her... but I'll never even get the chance to say goodbye.
"No," was the first thing that escaped my mouth. I couldn't bring myself to accept it. "No!" I began to scream frantically and Quinn did her best to sooth me. She put her arms around me and rubbed gentle circles into my back with her fingertips.
"This can't be happening..." I sobbed as I slowly calmed down. Finally Quinn let me go and I walked weakly to her bedside. I grabbed her lifeless hand and the tears began to flow hard. "Why? Why did this have to happen?" I cried and bowed my head in guilt as I realised that the person I loved more than my own life was gone.. forever...
For a moment time stood still. I felt as if I was tumbling in a swirl of confusion as Doctor Sanchez spoke the words 'I'm sorry.' She stood there before me and watched with a sympathetic look on her face as I closed my eyes to the present and connected with the past.
I loved to walk on the edge of the water in the early morning, it gave me a chance to relax. Cheerleading camp was especially tough this year now that Sue Sylvester had decided to run the camp. I made my way up the cove where I stopped; there she stood, on the pier watching the seagulls in flight. I couldn't help myself, I was mesmerized by her long, flowing hair and the pale skin she so proudly displayed. I had walked this path every morning since cheerleading camp started two weeks ago. Now I felt that fate had other plans for me, and I could feel the change inside myself; swirls of blue light danced in the sun as I continued to walk nearer to her.
"Hello there."
She had a softness to her voice when she spoke. I found myself shyly answering her, then looking away.
"Have you been coming up to the cove much?"
I cursed myself for being so darn shy, I was never shy! I smiled.
"Yes, I have been."
I went back to watching the seagulls in flight, I could feel her eyes still looking at me, but she did not keep me floundering in that pool of awkwardness.
"I love it here."
She said it with such passion that I stepped back, almost as if there was a fire wall between us. I also loved it here. In fact, it was my favourite place to be, and now I was sharing it today with this beautiful stranger. I walked to the edge of the pier, only to have her follow behind me. I could feel the electric vibes, and I knew very well that she could feel it too.
"Do you have a name?" She asked.
I stood looking out over the water. I loved the way the early morning sun danced on the water; I could see our reflections perfectly on the surface.
"Santana Lopez, and you, do you have a name?"
Just the excitement of soon knowing her name sent shivers down my spine. She winked at me as if she knew what I was feeling .
"Brittany S Pierce..."
A light touch on my shoulder brought me plummeting forward through that tunnel of darkness, leaving me dizzy in the process.
"The nurse will come out to see you shortly, I'm so sorry about your girlfriend."
Watching the doctor walk away, I was barely able to speak and only managed to whisper an inaudible "OK," and closed my eyes again. The busy sounds around me seem to fade as I found myself flooded by memories that exploded into the inner recesses of my conscious. I could feel myself falling into a tunnel of dark mist and clouds twirling into another place in time.
"Hey, Santana!"
I could see her as she came running towards me, the smile in her eyes gave a light that said, 'I only see you.' I smiled. The very scent of her invaded my senses so much that it felt as if she was standing right beside me.
"Brittany..."
The whisper of her name escaped my lips; I could feel her arms wrap around me, protected, loved. I felt the tears as they made their way down my face. As one fell upon my hand the glistening drop slowly splashed, and the tiny wet particles took me back to another special day.
I heard the cry as I walked toward my locker on my way to Glee practice.
When I got closer, I saw that there was a crowd of people around mine and Brittany's lockers. I could hear someone crying and other people laughing. I pushed through the crowd until I was standing in the inner circle. My heart nearly broke at what I was seeing, even as boiling fury rose up within me. Brittany, my precious Brittany, sat sobbing on the floor in the middle of a rainbow puddle of slushie. Her clothes and hair soaked, her eyes red and painful looking. Karofsky and Azimio stood over her, pointing and laughing.
"How do you like that, you dumb lesbian?" Azimio taunted, Brittany curled in on herself and sobbed harder at the insult.
"You better go find your bitch to lick all that slushie off," Karofsky laughed, dumping what appeared to be a fourth slushie over the distraught blonde. Suddenly, the crowd parted and a furious shriek pierced the laughter.
"Shut up you bastards!" My voice was so loud, so thunderous it caused everyone to take a step backwards in shock. Even I was surprised at the sheer volume of it. I had become a whole different person. My eyes narrowed and my teeth clenched together, my hands fisted in rage. Suddenly, I reared back and slammed my fist into Karofsky's jaw, before turning and booting Azimio in the balls as hard as I could. When Azimio hit the floor, I whipped around and advanced on Karofsky again, the boy had the good sense to turn and run, shoving through the spectators and bolting down the hallway. A brief flash of indecision flashed through my face and I tried to decide whether to chase him, but it was gone as quick as it came when my eyes landed on the still sobbing blonde on the floor.
I was on my knees in the slushie puddle in seconds, wrapping my arms around the cold, sticky blonde.
"Shhhh, Britt. I'm sorry, I'm not going to let them ever touch you again or I will go all Lima Heights on their arses. Okay?" With shaky hands, I reached over and wiped the tears off her pale, sticky cheeks with my thumb.
"San?" she looked up at me slowly, and it broke my heart to see that sadness in her eyes.
"Yeah Britt?" I asked, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear.
"I-I love you..." She said it with such sincere honesty that it made me drop my hand so that I could take in her whole face. "I love you, Santana," she repeated with more strength and determination in her voice. It took me completely off guard, but there was no doubt about what I wanted to say back to those three words.
"I love you too, Britt."
xx
I was the last person left by her graveside after the service and if I had my way, I'd never leave. Everything was so surreal ever since she died and I haven't been the same. I barely ate, I barely slept and I felt nothing. It was as if all my feelings went with her. Every time I fell asleep, I'd wake up within hours after having nightmares all of which, included her.
Even though everyone knew that I wanted to be left alone, there was always one person who wouldn't listen and right now, that person was Quinn. I could see her from the corner of my eye coming up towards me, thankfully, alone.
"How are you?" She asked even though just like everyone else, she knew exactly what the answer was. She bit her bottom lip nervously, as if she instantly regretted asking me.
"I think the way I said the speech during the mass answers that question, don't you?" I questioned bitterly.
"Oh," she whispered and bowed her head.
I don't know how I got through that speech. We were usually so secretive about our relationship and I don't think anyone realised just how close we were, but I showed that. I couldn't hold any tears back. I loved her so much that saying goodbye hurt too much and for once in my life, showing how I really felt wasn't hard.
Suddenly, Quinn spoke. "She loved you, you know... more than anything. Which is why..." she began and reached in her jacket and took out... "You should have this," she handed me her camera. During our freshman year, she had become obsessed with photography. Her camera had been her most prized possession for many years. She followed me around for years capturing every moment we had together and every time I told her that I loved her. She carried it everywhere with her; recording every little thing that somehow grabbed her attention and she allowed herself to become engrossed in the beauty of it all. She loved watching the nature take its course and how the not knowing brought such an adrenaline rush. She loved the rush that ran through her veins when she captured something so unexpected and natural on film. It intrigued her.
"She would want you to have it," Quinn implied and I took the camera from her. I looked at the camera in my hands and held it as if it would crumble to pieces if I held it any tighter. It felt as if it was the only thing I had left of her. Then I remembered something and I knew that if anyone would know what she would've said, it was Quinn. I reached into my pocket and took out the tiny box. I lifted the top to reveal the silver ring which glistened in the sunlight.
I was going to propose to her that night until everything happened. I've been left wondering what she would've said if I did ask and I Knew Quinn would know the answer.
"Quinn?" I called and she looked up to me clutching the box with the ring. "You were her best friend. What do you think she would've said?" I questioned and she immediately knew what I was on about.
"I know she would have said yes," she confirmed before leaving me alone to collect my thoughts. I looked down at the ring in my hand and realised I was holding it as if it would crumble into pieces, just like I was holding the camera. I began to cry again like I have ever since everything happened and held the ring close to my broken heart...
I woke to a warm weight against my side. I didn't need to open my eyes to know what it was, and what it meant. I immediately know Brittany has climbed through my window at some point during the night. I know she has tugged everything but her bra and undies off and I know that Brittany will have her face pressed into my side.
It had become a recurring 'thing' about 6 months ago after an unusually bad night. I had awoken at 3am to a knocking at my window and within moments someone was tumbling in, a blur of limbs and a flash of colour and suddenly I had Brittany in my bed. There was a beat of stillness where I thought the girl had fallen asleep, but then she was there, whimpering and pulling at me like a lost child, and Brittany was in my arms.
It had become so frequent that now I leave my window open a crack and have a stool underneath. I sleep on the wall-side of my bed so Brittany doesn't have to climb over me at night.
I crack an eye open to check the time, 3:17, and shift to face the body next to me. Brittany's brow is furrowed, her breathing heavy. I lean forward and brush the tangled, blonde hair out of Brittany's eyes. I get a groan in return and then the sky, blue eyes are on me, blinking the sleep clear.
I wrap my arms protectively around her and she can't help but smile.
"You okay Brit?" I asked simply, squeezing the blonde tighter. Brittany nodded, nuzzling into my neck. It was what she did when she felt safe.
I didn't need to ask what was wrong, or what had brought the blonde to my window so early in the morning. I already knew the reason. It was always the same reason, the same dream. She had it nearly every night these days.
She dreamt of her parents. Their car crash which took both of their lives several years ago, and now their memory was back to haunt poor Brittany. She had been in the car, she had watched them die-unable to do anything to prevent it.
I kissed Brittany gently on the forehead, brushing a strand of blonde hair out of her face.
"It's okay Brit-Brit," I cooed into her ear. "It's all going to be okay, you're safe." There was silence for a few minutes, but I could tell that she wasn't asleep. "Move in with me," it came out barely in a whisper, and at first I thought she hadnt heard me but then she quickly propped herself up on her elbows to look at me.
"What?" She asked softly, as if she thought she hadn't heard me properly.
"You should- you should move in with me, Britt." Even though the only light in the room was coming from the street lamps outside my bedroom window, I could see an excited glint run through her eyes.
"Really?" She asked carefully.
"I want to keep you safe, Britt. I want you to move in here."
xxxx
One Year Later.
I remembered everything that happened on the same day a year ago as if it was yesterday. It had been a tough year. For two months after, my life was a total mess. I couldn't bear to sing or dance and I could hardly sleep. Things began to get drastic and there were times when I held a knife close to my wrist but a little voice in my head made me stop before I bled every time.
It took a while, but I eventually began to realise that I was thinking about what I wanted. I wanted to hold her in my arms, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, I wanted to kiss her soft lips and more importantly, I wanted things to be the same as they were before. But what I didn't think about was what she would have wanted. I know she would have wanted me to continue singing, she would have wanted me to sleep without having nightmares and she would have wanted me to try and move on with my life. With that in mind, I did what I could. I went back to singing and it was hard at first, but I kept going and I made it. I began to have no nightmares about her, and just had peaceful dreams. And I finally began to move on with my life. I still thought of her every day and that will never change. She always had my heard and even though she's gone, that will never change.
As I stood here by her graveside one year on, I realised that even now, my love for her was just as strong. I opened the box to find the ring that I still had and was never going to give to anyone else. Maybe I would marry or something in the future, but no matter what, she will always be the only one for me. I then took a look at the headstone that showed just how much everyone loved her, including me:
Brittany Susan Pierce.
1994-2018
A loving daughter, friend, team mate and wife.
I had told her parents and my parents about my plans before everything happened after the funeral and they knew, just like Quinn, that she would have accepted and insisted on putting "wife" on the headstone, which was fine by me.
Today, her headstone was covered in flowers and other memorial things since it was a year on. I placed the photo that I had of the two of us at the bottom of the headstone, as well as a rose. Roses were her favourite flower. I couldn't help but tear up as I saw how happy we were in the photo before everything happened.
Finally calm, I prepared to leave, but I had to say something before I walked away.
"I love you, Brittany."