Vocabulary
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Ann was a human dictionary, yet found that it was often that Larie was able to find the best words to sum up their situations. Like now, at three in the morning when they looked at the huge hole in one of the van's tires, Ann hyperventilating and holding her pregnant belly, their sons still in bed.
"Shit."
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Thanks
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Fifteen-year-old Mildred Kanker sat on the doorstep in her violet gown, tears and mascara streaming down her face, "I can't believe he stood me up! Now who am I gonna go with to the dance?"
She heard a whistle and saw her father pull up in her mother's van, the door opening up to her best friend, Max, holding out a flower and a hanky and smiling nervously. She smiled and hopped in to the van, when she got to the dance, she gave her father a kiss before she left the van, "Thank you, Father."
He then leaned out the window, pointed to Max and shouted,
"You make my little girl cry and I'll roast your nuts with a flamethrower and nail em to your front door!"
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Keys
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He burst into the kitchen while the nine of them were eating breakfast and shouted, "WHICH ONE OF YOU KANKER BASTARDS BLEW UP MY CAR!?"
He glared at Allbert, who was sitting with his pregnant wife and feeding his infant daughter, "As much as I would have liked to, I'm afraid my family and I are innocent in this." Allbert coolly replied.
He glared at Larry and Terry, who looked disappointed, "We were going to put that in this afternoon." Larry said with a pout. "But it looks like someone else beat us to the punch." Terry observed, put out that someone got to him first.
He glared at Emma, who rolled her eyes and said, "I don't need a bomb to get back at you for standing Milly up."
He then glared at Larie, who simply smiled impishly, then shrugged as he replied, "Too busy trying to decide what I'd skin you with."
He turned to look at Mildred, only for a different, mischievous gap toothed smile to catch his eye.
She got up, walked over and picked up a set of keys from the kitchen counter and dropped them into his hand, making her whole family light up with amusement as Ann calmly told him,
"I believe these are yours."
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Racing
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A pregnant Ann shook her head at her husband as they walked to their van, Allbert holding her hand and Larry and Terry in Larie's arms. All of them were covered in destroyed fruit.
"We were just racing!" Larie said.
"You were running around like a mad man with our children in a grocery cart!" Ann corrected snappishly.
"Tee and Jay were doing it with their kids too!"
"So that justifies us being banned from another grocery store?"
"Not my fault that they put that giant pyramid of random fruits in the middle of the aisle."
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Nap
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Larie came home from work, frustrated, he had just learned that they would cut back one of his classes next semester, and less classes meant less money for his family. He dropped his stuff in the family room and was going to go to the basement and beat his punching bag to a pulp when he saw a tired Ann holding their sleeping two-year-old son in her arms on the couch.
She glanced up at him, gave him a sweet gap-toothed smile and put her fingers to her lips. Larie felt the stress and anger wash away a bit as he slipped beside her and watched as she soon succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. Larie relaxed into the couch and gently leaned his head against hers as he closed his eyes.
Sometimes a good nap was just what was needed to make a day a little better.
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Panties
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Larie sat next to his eldest on his bed, "Come on, All, it probably wasn't that bad."
Allbert looked up at his father with frustrated tears in his eyes as he pulled a pair of purple and white striped panties out of his pocket and held it up for his inspection.
"I was halfway home when I finally discovered this in my pocket!" he cried, ashamed of his actions, "I don't even know how I removed them without either of us realizing it!"
"Wait, how do you know these are hers?" Larie asked. Allbert flushed and awkwardly rubbed his arm with his panty free hand, "I don't want to talk about it."
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Behavior
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"Lawrence and Terrance Kanker are the most ill-behaved children I've ever taught in my entire fifty years of teaching!" the old woman exclaimed angrily, "They hardly listen to reason and are constantly up to no good, they're always running around like it's recess and constantly interrupting me!"
"You do realize that they're in kindergarten, right?" Larie asked her.
"That's no excuse!" the woman said with a scowl.
"Pardon me, Miss Fellow, but why exactly did you summon us here?" Ann asked politely, but some irritation managed to seep through despite her best efforts.
"I believe that their behavioral problems start at home and have written up a list of ways for you to be able to cut back on their mischief." Miss Fellow handed the two a heavy stack of papers.
Ann staggered under the weight, even though Larie was holding most of it, Larie then picked up one of the pages and his eyes widened in shock, "Does this say castration?" he asked, horrified. Ann looked over at the page he was reading and looked up at the woman, appalled at her suggestions. "Have you lost your mind?" Ann cried, "Most of these are either medieval torture methods or forms of mutilation!"
"I admit, the methods are crude, but they're also effective." She said coolly, she then motioned for them to leave, "I'll expect the boys behavior to improve by next week, you may leave now."
Ann and Larie left the classroom, fuming, and dropped the papers onto the window of the front office before going home, where Luca was watching Allbert, Larry, Terry and Mildred.
Larry and Terry looked up at their parents, "Well?" they asked in unison.
"You were right, she's a psycho." Larie said, then smiled, "You know what that means…!"
"TOILET PAPER AND SHAVING CREAM BOMBS!" they cried cheerfully.
"And that you get to invite all your friends and cousins to join you too." Ann added. Their children ran inside cheering and Luca looked up at them expectantly, "Yes Luca, you're invited too." Ann said with a smile and a sigh.
"WOOHOO! I'LL GET THE BATS!" he cried, following the kids into the house.
Larie proudly wrapped his arm around his wife, "Larie, should we be concerned that we're allowing our children to do such petty things in an attempt to get back at unpleasant people?" Ann asked him.
"She told us to cut off our boys' junk just because they're hyper little boys."
"Valid point. BOYS! DON'T FORGET THE SPIDERS!"
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Art.
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She groaned as she came through the door, lugging the heavy portfolio with her drawing pad and supplies inside, wishing she had taken a music appreciation class instead of a drawing course for her art credit. She thought it would be fun, but she had to lug this big thing around and her instructor would tell her every time she brought something in that it had 'no feeling' and that her work was 'cold'. She had been told that she should draw something she loved, that maybe she might make her piece worth putting up on the wall for others to see. However, most of the things she loved were considered 'emotionless' by the instructor.
Then she saw Larie sleeping on the couch with a book open on his chest and she smiled and pulled out her sketch pad.
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Critique
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Larie walked through the art wing, he saw plenty of his own pieces on the walls, which made him a little proud, but his best ones were the ones he did of Ann when she still was asleep, and he kept those to himself. He shook his head, he was here to find someone else's work.
He stopped at a sketch near the end of the hall, where there were no doors, just space to display student work, he flushed and smiled proudly.
On the page was a young man sleeping on a couch with a book lying on his stomach, his bangs covering his left eye and a small smile on his face as woman with long dark hair was leaning over and kissing his forehead, on the bottom right side corner was her name written in her perfect cursive.
"So, what do you think?" she asked him as she walked to his side.
"It'd be better if we were naked." He said critically, "and if we were having sex."
Ann shook her head, "I'll keep that in mind, Larie."
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Headache
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They were sitting in bed when Ann took the medicine to rid herself of a horrible headache that had been bothering her for hours, Larie was reading his Karma Sutra book for the upteenth time, trying to decide which technique he should try once she felt better.
Ann smiled as she discovered that her head was no longer pounding. "Wow, this medication works wonders!" she cried happily, "My headache is gone!"
Larie froze at that statement and his eyes got wide.
It was his time.
He threw his book into his lamp, making his wife cry out, "Larie!" while it tipped over and crashed against the ground.
Ann turned on her own bedside lamp to find her husband's arms wrapped around her and his body laying on top of her own.
"Did you have to break the lamp?" she asked, exasperated.
He smirked, "Nope!" then turned out the lights.
Ann sighed, "What am I going to do with you?"
"I dunno, Muffin, but I can't wait to find out!"
Ann face-palmed.
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Blocked
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KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"MOTHER! FATHER!" terrified young voices cried outside their door.
"Dammit." Larie groaned.
They got up and walked to their door and opened it, finding all but their eldest child outside. Their daughters looking fearful while their brothers looked amused.
"You called?" Larie asked flatly, a little annoyed that they were interrupted, Ann, however, saw the fear bright in their daughters eyes and asked, "What's the matter?"
Mildred and Emma held each other as they trembled with terror, "There are scary noises coming out of Allbert's room." Mildred squeaked, Emma nodded fearfully in agreement.
"Yeah," Terry chuckled, "Real scary."
"Terrifying." Larry snickered in agreement.
That's when Ann and Larie heard the creaks, the moans, the panting and the female voice crying out "OH, ALLBERT!" Ann's eyes widened in horror, how long had their younger children been listening to this? Larie, however, was proud and a little amused at his eldest son's actions.
"That's my boy." He purred with a proud grin. Ann scowled at him, "Larie! This is serious!" she cried, pointing down the hallway to Allbert's room, "If this continues, we'll have to sound proof his room!"
They then heard the voice cry out, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Larie's smirk grew even larger, "That's my boy." He repeated proudly, Ann rolled her eyes, annoyed.
Emma tugged at the skirt of her mother's night gown, eyes brimming with tears, "Mother, we're really scared, can we sleep with you and Father tonight? Please?" she asked. Ann smiled at her youngest, knelt down and held out her arms to her children, Emma rushed into her mother's arms, sobbing as Ann replied in a soft, comforting voice, "Of course you can, Sweetheart."
Larie stood there, stunned, as if to say 'What?' as his wife lead their daughters and twin boys into their bedroom and had them all hop into the middle of the bed and began tucking them in as she said, "Alright, everyone, lets get into bed and get some rest. Tomorrow is a school day, after all. So lets tuck you in!"
Larie stood there and said, "Did I just get cock blocked by my own kids?"
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Soundproof
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Larie laid in his very full bed, his daughters curled up in his arms while his twin sons were snuggled by their mother. And, although he thought it was sweet and cute how his children were cuddling up to them, he still turned to his wife and grumbled, "I'm soundproofing his room tomorrow."
"Don't you have work?" she murmured in response.
"I'll call in sick."
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Author's end notes: hey guys, this was a little thing I wanted to try out, I've actually made comics of the last three little one shots on this chapter, so if you want to see them, go to deviant art and type in lolzwaitwhat, you'll find me.