Disclaimer: I don't own Rugrats or any of its characters. If I did it would still be on…
Questions and Answers
Nine-year-old Tommy Pickles entered through the front door and dropped his backpack at the bottom of the stairs, shooting his younger brother, Dil Pickles, an annoyed look for copying his actions almost perfectly.
"MOM!" he called.
"In here Tommy!" came the chipper reply from the kitchen.
He started towards the kitchen, but stopped abruptly when he noticed his brother following. He did not want Dil listening in on this. The elder put his hand on the younger's chest and shoved him lightly.
"Dil go upstairs." Tommy ordered.
"Why?" Dil asked. This seemed to always be his favorite question.
"Because I need to ask Mom a question." He replied.
The red-head looked thoroughly confused now. "Why?"
Tommy knew that Dil idolized and mimicked him so much because he thought he knew everything. This was an illusion that the elder was not ready to give up just yet.
"I just need to check something." He reassured his brother. "Its grown-up stuff you wouldn't understand."
Dil frowned, his cheeks puffing out slightly. "Would so!"
The purple-haired boy realized he had picked the wrong tactic and tried again. "It's boring, just something about grown-up work. You wouldn't be interested at all."
The younger folded his arms across his chest. "Then why can't I come?"
Tommy frowned at yet another failed tactic. Well, there was one last thing to try…
"WOAH! DIL! DIL!" he suddenly yelled excitedly, pointing at the top of the stairs.
"DID YOU SEE IT?! HUH! DID YOU?!"
"WHAT?! WHAT?!!" Dil asked now also very excited.
"THAT LITTLE GREEN MAN! HE JUST RAN PAST THE STAIRS INTO YOUR ROOM! HURRY AND CATCH HIM BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!"
"I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK! I KNEW IT!" the red-head shouted as he ran up the stairs, stumbling twice in his excitement.
Tommy smiled. That would keep him busy for awhile. Dil would search the entire house before coming back to his brother disappointed that this little green alien had eluded him again. He would sulk for about five minutes or so before forgetting about it and becoming engrossed in whatever Tommy happened to be doing. Plenty of time for Tommy to get his question answered.
"Mom, can I ask you a question?"The nine-year-old asked as he seated himself at the kitchen table, watching his mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. (The dish washer was the latest victim in Stu Pickles "upgrades.")
"Of course, sweetie." Didi replied as she scrubbed at stubborn grease spot on a plate. She was in a very good mood at the moment. All this morning's errands had gone so smoothly that she had gotten done in half the time it normally took her. The few resulting hours of free time had relaxed the strained mother immensely. She held the plate up higher to inspect it closer in the light coming from the window. Yes, nothing could shatter her tranquility…
"What's sex?"
It was not until she heard the loud crack that she registered that the stubborn plate had slipped from her fingers and broken as it hit the bottom of the sink. The horrified mother paid no mind to the ruined china as she spun around to face her son.
"W-what was that Tommy?" She must have misheard. Her sweet little boy could not have just asked…
"What is sex?" he asked again, emphasizing each word.
"Why…w-w-where…you…when?" Didi stammered unable to form a solid question.
"I heard some older boys talking about it at the bus stop earlier." Tommy supplied. "I just want to know what it is."
"Well I…Oh look at the time! Reptar's on!" Didi exclaimed.
The boy gave his mother a puzzled look. "Reptar was canceled a long time ago."
"The Dummy Bears…"
The puzzled look melted into an annoyed one. "Mom, I'm nine."
"Yes, Yes you are. So why don't you ride your bike to the store and get me a bag of potatoes for dinner?" Didi asked hurriedly. She never let her children do this, even though the store was only a few blocks away. Hopefully this would excite Tommy just enough for him to forget about his awkward question.
The boy-in-question studied the woman for a moment before letting out a frustrated sigh. "Fine. I'll just ask Angelica. She'll tell me."
Didi paled at the threat. Drew and Charlotte had given their daughter "The Talk" recently. The red-head had no doubt that the girl would be more than happy to traumatize her younger cousin with outrageous lies, or even worse; the uncensored truth.
For a moment Didi considered calling Lucy Carmichael. She was a doctor and had given "The Talk" four times now. Tommy was a little young for it, but… No. He WAS NOT getting this uncomfortable discussion for a few more years, at least not the full one. Now to use the parental art of dancing around the truth…
The red-head sighed. "Sit down, dear." She called after her son, who had begun to leave the kitchen.
Tommy happily returned to the kitchen and seated himself at the table with an expectant look on his face.
Didi seated herself opposite him and laced her fingers on the table. "Well Tommy… sex is… umm…" She shook her head trying to rid herself of an image of her son as a baby in his high chair. "Sex is how grown-ups, married grown-ups, make babies."
"Really?" the nine-year-old asked with wide eyes "So how does it work?"
Oh, dear. How do you censor that one? "Well… They kiss and hug and stuff, and the stork brings them a baby."
Tommy nodded. He already knew about the stork, but then he frowned as a thought occurred to him. "But you and dad kiss and hug all the time, so how is it just me and Dil?"
"Well, it doesn't work every time." Didi replied.
"Oh. So how do you tell?" the purple-haired boy asked.
Didi thought for a moment. "When a woman is going to be a mommy, she gets really sick. She doesn't feel well and throws-up."
"Oh, okay."
"So does that answer your question dear?" the mother asked anxiously.
"Uh-huh. So what's for dinner?"
One month later…
"MOM! MOM!" Tommy yelled as sprinted into the kitchen.
Didi spun around. His backpack was still on and he looked frantic.
"What is it? What's wrong?" she suddenly looked around frightened. "Where's your brother? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO DIL?!"
"No! He's fine. I left him at the bus stop." The boy dismissed quickly. "I'm in big trouble though!"
Didi, who had calmed down somewhat upon hearing her youngest was fine, placed her hands on her hips. "What did you do?"
"M-me and Rachel had sex and now I think we're gonna have a baby!"
"Rachel and I." his mother corrected absent-mindedly. "Wait, WHAT!?!"
"We were playing House at recess and Rachel and I got married. Then…well… we wanted to know what it was like…so we kissed. Then later I heard she went home early because she threw-up in the hallway. And… And…" He was breathing heavily from his tale, which had steadily increased in speed and risen in pitch. "What am I gonna do?! I don't know how to take care of a baby and I don't think I like Rachel well enough to stay married to her! And…and…AND…" the boy was now on the verge of hyper-ventilating.
Didi snapped back to reality after being momentarily overcome with relief upon remembering exactly what her son thought sex was.
"Breath, honey breath." She ordered as she placed a paper bag over the boy's mouth and nose. It was several minutes before her son's breathing returned to normal and she was able to remove the bag.
"Am I in trouble?" Tommy asked softly with tears in his eyes.
"Oh Tommy!" the woman cried as she pulled him into her arms. "No, sweetie, no. Rachel isn't going to have a baby. She probably has that flu that's been going around… which you might also have now." She placed her hand on his forehead.
"Are you sure?" the nine-year-old asked, still nervous.
"I'm positive . You can't make a baby by just kissing someone."
The boy jerked out of his mother's arms. "What! But you said…"
"Well, I didn't tell you everything. I just thought you were too young and… I'm sorry sweetie. I never thought it would cause you so much grief. I just wanted to protect you."
Tommy's annoyance faded as his mother apologized. "It's okay I guess, but I want to know how it really works so I don't have to worry about it anymore."
"Well…" Didi studied the boy's serious face. "Okay. Wait here. I need to make a call."
A few hours later…
"So do you understand now Tommy?" Dr. Lucy Carmichael asked.
"I think so." The boy nodded slowly.
They were all seated at the kitchen table, Lucy and Didi across from Tommy.
"Well, if you think of any questions later, you can always ask your mom." The African-American woman said as she put away her charts.
"Okay. Can I go watch TV now?" His mother nodded and he left for the living room.
"Thanks Lucy. I don't think I could have handled that by myself."
"No problem, Di. The first time is always the hardest, and he is a few years younger than is preferable, but everyone's different. I think he handled it very maturely. Here's a book of commonly asked questions just in case he comes up with any doosies." Lucy replied handing her friend a hardback book. "It's not Lipschitz, but I would recommend it to anyone."
"Thank you." The red-head said as her younger son walked in.
"Hey Mom, where do babies come from?" Dil asked.
Before either Didi or Dr. Carmichael could answer Tommy offered his assistance.
"Come here Dil, I'll tell you!" he called from the living room.
"Okay!" the younger boy cried excitedly as he ran toward the living room.
"No! Wait! DIL! TOMMY!!!" Didi cried as she chased after her youngest.
Lucy giggled as she picked up the forgotten book where it had been dropped on the floor and placed it on the table.
"Oh, dear. Well, it looks like she'll need this."
Author's Note: Just something I thought of while watching some old Rugrats episodes. I miss that show. ) : I think Rachel is the name of the girl Tommy dates for a while in All Grown Up!, but I didn't mean for it to be the same one. I just liked the name. I'm also aware that Tommy's first kiss is supposed to be in later, but who really counts any kiss they had on the playground as their first kiss? I thought this was rather funny, but tell me what you think. Hope you liked it!