Eyes narrowed.
A tentacle snorted.
A long curved nose reciprocated.
"Ah'll have you know, sonny boy, that ah'm Davy Jones," said the tall squid man thingy.
The tall greasy haired man thingy raised an eyebrow. "Am I meant to be impressed?"
"Ah could have yoor soul." This was spoken in a voice to inspire dread. A voice to speak directly to the primeval sludge in men's hearts and remind them that humanity was in fact just walking goujons without the breadcrumb coating.
It didn't impress this dude, one Snape by name. "You're about the tenth person to say that this week. Get a new line."
The tentacles reared with rage, a reddish tinge touching the greenish cheeks. "You'll never say anything like that again, lad."
Snape smirked. "I don't care. He's mine."
"Mine."
The object of their argument cowered on the floor, hair standing on end. As he was covered in hair (blue to be exact) this gave the impression that a blueberry pincushion had sprouted miraculously from the ground.
"I need his scientific knowledge. And the fact that he's a beast will help experiments."
"I want 'im to join my crew. One hundred years 'fore the mast."
Snape tapped his foot menacingly. It was a very menacing foot. Clad in pointy toes, heavy leather, and studded high heels. "It's hardly my fault that you keep on killing your crew with food poisoning. Honestly, it's hardly difficult to wash your hands." Snape leant forward. "Incidentally, do you know a good recipe for calamari?"
"ARGH! Damn you, Severus Snape!" cried Davy Jones, waving his claw in the air and dancing as though the floor was on fire. "We'll settle this in the proper way. With a race."
---
Which was how the First Squid v Kraken race had its origins.
---
And welcome to today's race. There seems to be a good crowd here today- many have travelled light years to be here on Betelgeuse, the only place in the galaxy that would allow this event to take place. The competitors seem to have quite a bit of rivalry- they've already had to be separated seven times. Mr Snape tried to fry Mr Jones, and Mr Jones retaliated by tried to claw him.
So, just who are these two men? While they're limbering up, we'll tell you.
Firstly- Severus Snape. Unfortunately, he was bullied as a child, so he tries to compensate for this by picking on every single child that passes into his classroom. Yes, folks, Snape is in fact a teacher. But let's not be too mean. After all, a man with that hair deserves sympathy.
Davy Jones doesn't have much hair. He is in fact a squid, a heartless personage who lost his one true love and then decided to roam the seas forever more. He claims to be the sea. Which probably isn't true, as he doesn't appear to have ships in him.
And, you might ask why they're fighting. Well, they're wrestling over control of one… um… being, one Hank McCoy by name. I don't know all the details, agents are keeping very quiet on this one.
They're off! Snape's in an early lead, the Great Squid moving easily with him. But the Kraken doesn't look too pleased about that… no, he's diving, and Jones doesn't appear to have any problem with that. Snape doesn't appear to notice as he rounds the first corner, no understeer appearing on the aquatic animal…
He drifts round the hairpin. Wow, that squid is REALLY putting on a show for us here today- I don't think any of us here realised just how quick that thing could be. There's still no sign of the Kraken or Jones… maybe they've drowned down-
Oh, what is that smell? For those of you listening at home, it's an awful smell… the sea is actually cracking, folks, but Snape still doesn't seem to have noticed, carrying on gamely on his Squid-
The Kraken has just eaten the competitor. Yes, you heard me right, Snape and the Squid are out of it by virtue of death.
Um… well… I guess that's it. Thanks for listening.